In honor of Meadow's birthday this past Wednesday (November 4th), here's a picture of Paul and Meadow that you guys might not have seen.❤️
Song: Fix You by Coldplay {Lights will guide you home / And ignite your bones / And I will try to fix you}
--
January 9th, 2014 (13 weeks, 3 days)
Once I put my car in park in Paul's parent's driveway, my phone begins to ring. Instead of the happiness that would usually follow seeing Paul's name on the screen, I'm hit with a feeling of guilt. I left him to wake up alone after he had a nightmare about the crash last night. Since Meadow stayed at a friend's house last night, I left the house early this morning so I could come talk to Cheryl. I'm beginning to get so worried about my husband that I just don't know what to do anymore.
I sit in the seat for a moment, staring at the screen and debating on whether I should answer it. I'm afraid that he will be upset with me for leaving him alone, but I needed to come talk to the woman who gave birth to him. She will know how to help the man that I love so dearly.
Before the screen goes to black, I answer the phone call. "Hello?"
"Baby? Where are you?" I can hear the slightest sense of panic in his voice, even though he's clearly trying to hide it. My heart squeezes in my chest and I instantly regret leaving his side. He's had another nightmare, I can tell.
My left hand grips the steering wheel as I try to hold myself together for him. "I'm at your parents' house. Are you okay?" It's a stupid question to ask when I already know the answer.
"No. I need you to come home." The desperation in his voice is hard to bear. The picture that comes to my mind as he's asking me this isn't a pleasant one. If it's anything like what happened a few hours ago, it can't be good.
I quickly run through different answers in my head. I came here to talk to his mother, and that's what I'm going to do. "Listen, I'll be home as soon as I can. I promise. Just check on the kids and I'll be home within the hour." Tears threaten to spill over but I manage to keep them at bay.
"Alright," he says, seeming a little calmer than he did a minute ago. "I love you so much."
Those words can always bring a smile to my face, no matter what the situation is. "I love you too, Paul. I'll be home soon." The phone call ends and I'm able to breathe better. When I step out of the car, I can feel the large cloud of guilt hanging over me. It's consuming my thoughts, and filling up every empty space inside of my body. By staying here and talking things through, I will be able to help him better. This will be a good thing, I hope.
I step up to the front door with my hand raised ready to knock, but Cheryl opens the door before I'm able to do so. She pulls me in for a tight hug, something that I really needed. "Come on in," she says, letting go of me and stepping aside. Once I'm across the threshold, she says, "I was surprised when you called and said that you needed to talk to me about Paul. Is everything okay?" The concern of a mother is something that I can easily identify with.
Before I say anything, I motion to sit down in the living room. Cheryl takes the spot right next to me on the couch and patiently waits for me to begin. "Well, Paul has been having these nightmares about the crash. From what I gather, the same thing seems to happen every time, and it's exactly what he experienced when the real thing happened. But, the thing is, he can't get away from it. It's the nightmare that tugs at his consciousness even though he's awake. Now, he's saying that he wants to go to the crash site and see it, but I'm afraid it will send him further into his depression. I feel so helpless when he wakes up screaming during the night about how he can feel the fire. All I can do is hold him and bring him back to reality, but I feel like I should be doing so much more. I just don't know what to do and I feel like I'm failing him. He's helped me through my dark times but I can't seem to help him." At the end of my little speech, the tears are finally free. The last thing I want is for Paul to be hurting, and it's even worse that I don't know how to help him.
Cheryl gathers my hands in hers and squeezes tightly. "I know that these past few weeks have been rough for you, but especially for him. His world has been turned upside down in a way, since he essentially lost three weeks of his life. Paul has just been through a traumatic event. All you really can do is just be there right by his side. Be there for whatever he needs and try to make his life a little less stressful. Honestly, I think the best thing you can do for him is to get that abortion as soon as possible. I know how much my son loves you, and he's scared that his world will stop turning if something happens to you."
I nod, trying to formulate an answer. It all seems so easy in theory, being right by his side, but that's what I have been doing. I wouldn't be here if that weren't working. "What should I do about the crash site? Should I take him? I just don't see how visiting the location of his nightmare will help anything."
"You're absolutely right about that," Cheryl agrees. "It could hurt him more than help him, but you just have to take it on faith that it will resolve something for him. For all we know, going to the crash site could help him start to move on with his life and his family. However, that's not to say that day won't stay with him forever."
My phone begins to ring in my pocket, and I know without looking that it's Paul calling me. That's my signal that I need to leave and get back home. "I hate to be leaving so soon, but he needs me back home." Both of us stand and share a hug. I glance around the room, noticing that a certain person's presence is missing. "Where's Dad at?"
For a tiny second, a look of pain crosses Cheryl's face. She is able to recover, reverting back to the smile she welcomed me into her home with. "That's a topic we can discuss another time. Go ahead and get back to Paul, and give my grandchildren a kiss for me."
Without pressing too much into things, I depart the house rather quickly, wanting to get back home to my love.
--
"Paul! I'm home!" I yell, tossing my keys onto the table next to the front door. There is no answer, and that worries me a little. I was just on the phone with him about ten minutes ago, so there shouldn't be a reason for him not to answer. I turn down the hallway, stopping to check in on both Aubree and Luke. They will be getting up soon, so I need to go ahead and start on breakfast for them.
Turning my attention back to finding my husband, I travel back to our room at the end of the hallway. To my relief, Paul is sitting in our bed on the laptop. He has headphones in, so that would explain why he didn't answer back. Just to tease him, I walk over and pull one of the headphones out of his ears. "Hey!" he grumbles, looking up at me. His sour attitude doesn't last long and he smiles at me. "I'm really glad you're home."
I lean in to hug him, but my ears register the familiar sounds coming through the headphones. With a look at the computer screen, it only confirms what I hoped it wouldn't be. Paul is watching the reports about his accident. Of course, they are showing pictures of it and even a video from a nearby building. My stomach turns at the sight. "Why the hell are you watching this?"
Paul quickly exits out of the report and closes the laptop. "I just wanted to see it. God, I can't believe I survived that and one of my best friend's didn't." He stares off in a direction away from me, and I know that he's reliving the accident right now.
My heart hurts to see him like this. With Cheryl's words in mind, I sit down in front of him, ready to be whatever he needs. But first, I have to ask him something. "Can I ask you something without you getting totally pissed at me?"
His eyes move to mine, and I can see uncertainty in them. "Depends, does it have anything to do with the abortion?"
"No, it doesn't." I grab his hand, wanting even the smallest bit of contact between us. "Are you sure going to the crash site is the best thing for you? Even since you woke up, I can see it in your eyes that you aren't the same anymore. Not that I would expect you to be after everything you've been through, but I just don't see how going to the crash site will help."
Paul sighs and breaks eye contact with me, but keeps holding my hand. "Baby, I love that you're trying to look out for me, but I will decide what's best for my recovery. Seeing the crash site may not help, but I have to try. I've had nightmares every night about it and it just follows me everywhere I go." He lays back in the bed and I lay next to him.
"It's just that you always know the right things to say and I'm struggling to find the words myself," I say into his chest.
Instead of getting a reply from him, he rubs my back. Back when I was in my dark times, he was always there to help pull me out of the deep water. Now that the situation is reversed, I'm unsure of how to go about things. Even though he said that he will get to decide what's best for himself, I don't think going to the place of his nightmares will help. If anything, it would only make it worse. However, I don't see any other way of helping him, so I guess we will have to do it his way.
"Alright," I tell him. "I'll take you to the crash site."
--
The drive to Santa Clarita is rather quiet, even though there is music softly playing through the car speakers. With each mile that passes by, the higher my anxiety gets. I can feel it deep inside of me that this won't turn out as well as both Paul and I hope. This will be the first time that both of us are back here. Maybe this visit will not last long and we can resume somewhat of a normal life.
Several times throughout the drive, I'll sneak glances at Paul just to see how he's doing as we are getting closer. He seems to be holding up pretty well, but then again, that could be the mask of his I'm looking at. This situation is giving me perspective on how hard it was for him when I was in his shoes. I can only imagine the torment his mind is going through right now, thinking about how he was stuck in a burning car, no way to get out. It makes me uncomfortable to think about when I tried to get him out, so it's a hundred times worse for him.
First, before we walk over to the crash site, we stop at the car shop. Paul gets out of the car and stares at the building while unbuckle Aubree and take Luke's car seat out. I stay a little bit behind Paul as Aubree walks up to him and grabs his hand.
"Daddy? Are you okay?" she asks, looking up at him.
Paul looks down at her after a couple of seconds and smiles. "Yeah, I'm okay." Their little exchange pulls at my heartstrings. He leads the way inside, but stops in his tracks a couple of steps in. If I wasn't paying attention, I would've ran into him. I follow his gaze to see him looking at a picture of Roger on the wall next to the reception desk. It says 'In Loving Memory of Roger Rodas', along with his date of birth, and the day of the car accident.
My husband makes no sign of movement, even after I grab his hand and squeeze it. The receptionist working today has a smile that carries so much empathy for him, but he doesn't notice. If it wasn't for the name plate on the desk, I would've forgotten her name. "Hey there, Julia. How are things here at the shop today?"
"Well," she says, taking a deep breath, "it's a little crazy today. We just updated our social media about a car meet in memory of Roger, and the phone has been off the hook all morning long." The phone rings, backing up her statement. She smiles again politely and answers the phone.
There is a lot of laughter coming through the door to the car show room, and I know exactly who it is. Before I picked Paul up to bring him here, I called Jesse and Brandon to come meet us here. I figured they could help ease Paul's emotional stance a little as well as watch the kids as we walk up to the crash site. This time, I lead the way into the car show room and immediately see Jesse and Brandon goofing off. They turn to us with big smiles, and I look back at Paul to see that he's smiling too.
"Hey guys!" Paul yells, making his way over to them and still holding Aubree's hand. It seems as if seeing his friends has brightened his spirit, and for that I am grateful. I hope that it's not just building him up just to crash him down as soon as we're at the site.
I follow close behind, but stay in the background of the conversation. Of course, I'd love to know what they've been up to since I saw them last, but I'd rather just watch Paul. The smile on his face is radiating through this entire room, and I never thought just a simple smile from the one I love could make me so happy.
After a couple of minutes of looking at cars, I squeeze Paul's hand. He looks at me, and I know that just the look we share lets him know what I'm asking. I can visibly see his smile dampen in the slightest, but I don't call him out on it. This is something that he needs to do, and I can't take that away from him.
"Can you guys do us a favor?" Paul asks his friends. "Sierra and I are going up to the crash site, so could you two watch Aubree and Luke while we are up there?" Just with that question, the lighthearted mood in the room changes. Any mention of the crash site can do that. They both nod somberly, and Paul tells them we will be back soon. The next thing that breaks my heart today is when Paul leans down to kiss Aubree on the cheek. "Mommy and I will be back soon, baby girl." I can see the tears in his eyes, even though he is trying to hide them. He then leans down to Luke, who grabs ahold of one of Paul's fingers. Luke is dressed in one of his Star Wars outfits, obviously something that Paul chose.
We wave goodbye as we walk hand in hand out the car room doors, and the out the front doors. I can sense the nervousness in Paul, so I loop my arm through his, latching onto him tightly. Maybe if I hold him to me, his darkness won't pull him under. I refuse to let that happen; we are going to make it through this together.
Before we make it past the car shop, I stop and pull Paul away from the view of the crash site. He looks at me confused, and I hold a finger up to keep him from talking. "I just wanted to ask one more time if you really want to do this. It's going to add on to the already traumatic events that you've been through, and I just want you to be okay."
Paul frowns and pulls me into a tight embrace. "I know it's going to be hard, but with you by my side, I'll be okay." He kisses the top of my head before pulling away a little to kiss me on the lips. I almost don't let him pull away from the kiss, just because I want to stay like this. I want this Paul, the one that will kiss my forehead to alleviate my concerns, when I'm the one who should be doing just that. I don't want my husband to be a broken shell, the one whose spirit is gloomy and cracked. Regardless of which one I get after this crash site visit, I will love him just the same.
As our lips part and our foreheads press together, I silently pray that his sweet soul doesn't shatter. I can only do so much for him before he has to do things for himself. Hopefully, our love and our family will be enough to spark that fire I fell in love with once again.
With my arm in his once again, we walk together toward the crash site. I try sending him positive thoughts and strength as we make the final stretch. The anxiety running through me is at an all-time high, though I imagine his is skyrocketed into space. Though we are silent, the space between us is loud with the sounds of that dreadful day. It's all still so clear to me, as I'm sure it is for him. I look up at him, his forehead wrinkled in thought. I try rubbing his arm, and he smiles down at me.
My heart drops when my eyes come in contact with the tree they crashed against. Tears automatically well up into my eyes, and I press my body against his. I don't want to go any further, but he keeps movie so I move along with him. "I love you," I tell him, right as we stop where the Porsche was a little over a month ago.
There are still many flowers and candles covering the burns on the ground, and some of the tire marks on the road. Strangely enough, there is a sense of calm and peace, but that doesn't seep into my thoughts. I remember screaming through my tears, and cursing at the ground on that day. I remember not being able to unlock the seatbelt, and hopelessly trying to shake my husband awake. Time has not erased any detail from my mind, though I so desperately wish to forget every part of it.
Amidst the racing thoughts in my mind, I fail to notice the silent tears falling down Paul's face. Before I can reach up to wipe them away, he falls to his knees. "This is all my fault. This memorial wouldn't be here if I didn't ask Roger to take it for a spin." His hands cover his face, and I can see his body shaking from his sobs. "I'm so sorry, Roger. I'm sorry!" He yells, and I jump back a little bit.
I kneel beside him and he cries out in pain. What do I do? I've never seen him like this and it scares me. Instinctively, I wrap my arms around him, trying to hold all the pieces together. "Shh, I'm here. It's not your fault." I rub small circles into his back, my eyes never leaving his face.
Once he removes his hands from his face, I watch as he takes a deep breath and puts his hands on his knees. The tracks of his tears are still visible on his face, as is the pain. "How am I supposed to get past this? Everywhere I go, I seem to feel the heat not far behind. It'll spread throughout my body, but it doesn't carry me away. Why am I the one who gets to survive, and not Roger? He has kids, too." Paul reaches for one of the candles and holds it with both hands. "I'm nothing special, so why did I live and he died?"
His comments have rendered me speechless. What am I supposed to say to the man who always knows what to say to me in times like these? "Baby, I don't know the answer to that. But what I do know is that you are special, and don't ever think that you aren't. You're an idol to millions of people and they love and care about you so much. You have three beautiful kids and you're not only a hero to them, but you're the best father they could ever have. Add on the fact that you have a wife who loves and adores you and would do anything to see those beautiful blue eyes light up with love. I hate that you're hurting and I would take every ounce of pain away if I could." I hold him again tightly, hoping to not let any part of him fall away.
Paul puts an arm around me, and I can feel his sobs lessen by the second.
"You're everything in the world to me and I'd be lost without you," I tell him. I jump again slightly when another sob comes through him.
"Promise me something," he begs.
"Anything."
He looks at me straight in the eyes. "Don't leave me. You make life so much better and enjoyable, and I love being loved by you. If I ever had to live without you, I couldn't do it." More tears fall down his face, convincing me even more that this abortion has to be done.
I lean over and kiss him softly on the lips. "I promise." I lay my head on his shoulder as we stand and walk back to the car shop.
--
Open When...
Things Seem Hopeless
Hey baby girl, keep that chin up. Nothing is as bad as it may seem, I can promise you that. Even if things do seem hopeless, you always have me and our love to fall back on. Please come to me if you ever feel this way.
At times, we all feel this way and feel a little weak. Believe it or not, I feel this way too sometimes. You tell me that I'm the strongest of the both of us, but even the strongest are sometimes at their weakest. If I'm the reason you're reading this letter, please just be there for me. You're the light that leads me from the darkness into the place that I find the most peace. Your love lifts me up, and it's almost like I'm Heaven. There's a reason our souls chose each other, and that's because we were meant for each other. As cheesy at it sounds, it's true. I love you, and I never want to be apart from you. That's why we have to stick together in the rough times.
Since the day we got married, I feel like I'm the richest person in the world because I'm loved by you. Our love will never make me lose hope no matter hopeless things may become. As long as I have my wife by my side, there's nothing in this world that can bring me down. You shower me with affectionate love when I need it the most and you light up my darkest days.
The thing I love most about our marriage is that we are each other's biggest supporters and that we love each other more than life itself. I know that I haven't always been the best person to support because of my acting, but I love you even more for sticking with me through it all.
Just remember to stay strong through the tough times. Again, if it's me you're reading this letter for, just be there in every way possible. There is no greater reward than coming through a rough time than having you as my wife, my soulmate, and the mother of my children.
With all my love,
Paul