So I don't know if you guys knew but today (October 30th) marks 23 months since the accident, and I've just been an emotional wreck all day because of it. I miss you so much, Paul.
Btw, happy early Halloween!! Enjoy the picture of the pumpkin that I carved on the side lol. What are you guys dressing up as? I'm going to be Captain America lmao. Follow me on Instagram @makaylabrooke15 to see a picture tomorrow! And add me on snapchat @makaylabrooke15 because I like snap chatting people and I want to interact with you guys more!
Song: Halo by Beyoncé {Everywhere I'm looking now, I'm surrounded by your embrace / Baby I can see your halo / You know you're my saving grace}
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January 6th, 2014 (13 weeks, 0 days)
"Do you have your lunch money, Meadow?" I ask her, frantically looking around for my keys. It's Meadow's first day back to school and I never thought I'd be so disorganized. Usually Paul would be here in the morning rush, but he has been staying at the beach house since New Year's. We haven't talked at all since our fight, even though I have tried multiple times to get him to talk to me. I don't blame him, though. I'd be mad at me too.
Meadow walks up to the kitchen island and waves my keys in front of me. She is carrying Luke's car seat and Aubree is right beside of her. "These were on the dining room table."
I smile and take them from her, but she doesn't reciprocate the smile. In the back of my mind, I know that the only reason she's staying here at the house is because Paul isn't allowed to drive yet. If he could, then she would probably be staying at the beach house with him. "Okay, let's go!" I walk around the island and grab Aubree's hand, leading the way to the front door. Meadow takes Aubree the rest of the way to my car as I lock the door.
"I don't want to be late on my first day back," she says, a hint of malice in her voice. I brush it off, trying to not let that bother me.
"We will get there. I'm surprised you're so ready to get back," I mumble, buckling Aubree's seatbelt as Meadow buckles Luke's. We get into the front seat and I start the car. I hope this doesn't turn out to be a silent car ride.
She sighs as I pull out of the driveway. "I just want things to get back to normal, like it was before Dad's accident. Everything is just so different and there's so much going on. I hate it. I feel like going back to school will put things back where it needs to be." Meadow pulls her phone out of her purse, signifying that she doesn't want to talk anymore. So much for having a conversation during the ride to school.
I press the volume knob on my car radio, turning it on. Instead, my CD player is on, and the song 'Do You Wanna Build A Snowman' from Frozen comes on. Aubree loves the song and the movie, so the squeal that follows after the first couple of music bars doesn't surprise me.
"Mommy! Turn it up!" Aubree yells.
Of course, I turn the music up, and my little girl is as happy as she can be trying to sing along. It makes me happy inside to see her singing in her car seat, but Meadow's words still linger in my mind. This family is cracking from the inside out, and I'm the only one who can repair it, because all of this is my fault. I accept full responsibility for the things I have done to hurt this family.
Paul was right about everything he said during our fight, and I'm going to make things right. My abortion is scheduled for the middle of next week, on Wednesday. Like Meadow, I want things to get back to normal. For over a month now, I've longed for the days where I'd be woken up by my husband and my children, just like the day of the accident. I've dreamed about the days that I'd fall asleep in his arms, right in the place where the world isn't so cold and I know that I'm truly loved.
It tears me apart inside that I haven't got to experience that at home yet, all because of my stupid mistakes. As much as I would love to bring these babies into the world, I just can't, and I fully realize that now. It's not going to happen. If it were to happen, I could very well lose my life and everything and everyone I love. After everything Paul has been through, he doesn't deserve to unwillingly become a single parent because of my own selfish decisions.
Part of being a married couple is to take everything head on together. If I were to do this without him, then what does that mean for our marriage? Well, it wouldn't be a very good one, I know that for sure. He's the one that I want to experience life with, no matter how tough it gets. He's the one I want beside me every step of the way. I know that he loves me just as much as I love him. I'm now starting to understand his position, and I can't believe that I was about to put him through his worst fear: losing me.
Aubree squeals again when 'Let It Go' comes on. It gets both Meadow and I laughing when she starts to sing. Somehow, Luke is still asleep through all of this, though I am kind of glad that he can't see how crazy the women in his life are.
Meadow turns around in her seat to take a video of Aubree, and I glance over at her phone to see that it's Snapchat. All of her friends are going to see just how cute her sister is, even though they already know that if they've been over at the house. I notice that Meadow sends the video to Brian, and I take that as an opportunity to start the conversation again. We don't have much time, since we will arrive at Meadow's school in about seven minutes.
"So, how is Brian these days? I saw him at the New Year's party but I never got to talk to him." I keep my eyes on the road, but I'm able to look at Meadow when I stop at a red light. She's looking at me, but I can't tell what the expression is on her face.
"Brian and I have a better relationship than us two right now," she says, and I know that she means it. I shift my gaze back to the road, and luckily, the light turns green. I can still feel Meadow's eyes on me, though.
I don't blame Meadow for telling her father everything, nor am I mad at her. I can't believe how this day is already turning out, and it may as well get worse later on. Cody told me that Paul wants to see the kids. My question is why would Paul tell Cody that instead of me? However, I already know the answer to that. My guess is that Paul doesn't want to talk to me at all, and the whole seeing the kids thing isn't going to involve any conversation.
When I pull up to the front of Meadow's school, she gets out without saying a word to me. Instead, she says goodbye to a singing Aubree and an asleep Luke. Once the passenger door is shut, I let out a deep breath that I didn't realize I had been holding. My relationship with Meadow used to be so good, but it's just another thing I have messed up by my decision. Of course, I have faith that it will be repair once this is all over with. I know that she's just scared and hurt, and on top of it all, she's just a teenager; that's a lot for her to deal with at her young age.
I park the car in a parking space to make way for other parents dropping their kids off. Aubree continues to sing as I grab the box of letters out of my purse.
--
Open When...
...You Think You're Losing Me
Right now, I'm on set and I just got off the phone with Callie. She told me that you've been really down in the dumps after I left last weekend. Naturally, I called you to make sure you were okay, which you said you were, but I didn't believe you. I know it's hard for you when I'm away on set, because it's equally as hard for me. During random points in the day, I'll wish that I wasn't an actor, just so I could spend time with you and our kids. But then, I'm reminded that without this job, I wouldn't have met the love of my life. The whole long distance thing isn't easy, but you're never going to lose me.
I love you, Sierra. I love you, I love you, I love you. Sometimes I don't think you realize just how much I love you. I'll say it once, I'll say it a million times over. Whatever it takes to make you believe that it's true and I'm not going anywhere. Losing me is something you never need to worry about because I can tell you that's never going to happen. If I can't even fathom being without you, then there is nothing to worry about.
However, I'm not going to say that what you're feeling right now is silly or something that you're not allowed to feel. Although I hope that you never feel this way, there may come a point where maybe I'm on set or we've had a fight and you begin to think. Please baby, if you ever start to think that you're losing me, call me. I'll spend all the time I have to telling you how much I love you. Your feelings matter to me and I always want my love to be happy and smiling. You know what your smile does to me and if you're not smiling, it's my job to make that happen.
If need be, I'll shout my love for you to the world and to the stars. We can watch as our love makes beautiful new constellations that will linger among the stars forever. You will never be apart from me because our love is eternal. You are my past, present, and future and nothing is ever going to change that. You are the hope in a new day, the peace in a sunrise and sunset, and the tranquility of the ocean that I love so much.
When I took my marriage vows to you, I meant them. That binds us together forever, and so does our children. I'm never letting go of you.
Forever and always,
Paul
--
With a deep breath, I let the words of the letter spill over my brain and calm me down. I pull out of the front lot and make my way back to the freeway to go to the beach house. Paul knows that I'm coming the kids, but only because of Cody. I had to tell him so Paul would know. It's really weird that Cody is acting as our delivery boy, and we're like little kids passing notes. I hate it, and I hope that we can talk when I get to the beach house. Whether he will be willing to talk or not remains to be seen.
We've almost made it through the whole soundtrack of Frozen when I pull into the driveway of the beach house. Instead of nerves floating around in me, there is confusion. There's a different car parked in the driveway, one that I don't recognize the owner of. Did someone from the family or one of Paul's new friends get a new car? I'm left with this question as I get my kids out of my car and walk to the front door. It's unlocked, so I step right inside and shut the door behind me. I can hear laughter coming from the kitchen; not only Paul's laughter, but the sound of a woman's laugh as well.
Aubree leaves my side and takes off running toward the laughter. I hear her yell for her father, and Paul greeting his daughter. Before I go into the kitchen, I put my purse and my keys on the table beside the front door. Then, I hear the woman say, "Hello there, Aubree! It's so nice to finally meet you!" I instantly recognize the voice, and for a moment I can't believe the voice that I'm hearing.
My feet move as fast as my mind into the kitchen, and I come face to face with a woman I thought I'd never see again: Jasmine. She turns in her chair at the breakfast bar and smiles at me, while holding my daughter in her lap. What the hell is she doing here?
"Hey, Sierra! Long time, no see!" she grins.
Yeah, I'd planned on keeping it that way.
However, instead of making a scene in front of my kids, I put on the nicest smile as possible. "Nice to see you, Jasmine." I imagine that there is chains around my ankles, anchoring me to my spot. I don't want to send the wrong message by grabbing Aubree from her.
"Jasmine was in the neighborhood," Paul says, answering only one of the questions that's running through my mind right now. Yeah, I'm sure she was just in the neighborhood. This girl has a history with my man. Of course, it's not near as big of a history as ours, but she has shared a bed with my man. Not to mention the handful of times while Paul and I were broken up a few years ago. I inwardly cringe and put so much energy into not showing how uncomfortable I am, but I think my lack of speech gives it away.
I don't have to be looking at Paul to know that he's trying to judge my reaction to Jasmine's visit. It could very well determine how our conversation is going to go. "Oh, really? It was nice of you to drop by." I notice her face fall slightly, a sign that she knows what my tone of voice meant.
Jasmine stands from her chair and puts Aubree down on the chair instead. "Well, it was nice seeing you guys." She walks around the breakfast bar and hugs Paul, and my free hand clenches into a fist. "I'm so glad that you're okay and out of the hospital. I'll see you around." Once she lets go of him, she turns to me to hug me next, but she hesitates and ends up smiling and walking around me. When the sound of the front door is heard, I place Luke's car seat up on the counter.
"That was awkward," I mumble, trying to start this conversation in a lighthearted way. The last thing I need is for him to yell at me some more. I probably deserve it, but I'm tired of fighting. Like Meadow, I just want things to go back to the way they used to be before. That seems like another lifetime ago though, impossibly out of reach.
Paul looks at me, and I am unable to read his expression. He seems so distant and I hate that. Could it really only have been six days ago that everything went so wrong? I start to wonder if he's even going to say anything to me, and I even open my mouth to say something else, but he beats me to it. "What are you still doing here?"
I physically take a step back, surprised by his question. I guess six days wasn't enough for him to calm down. My mind has slowed down from its current speed only moments ago, and now I have no idea what I'm supposed to say to him. "Um... well, I wanted to talk to you."
He glances toward Aubree, who is looking at us, and smiles at her. I'd give anything to have that sweet smile directed at me. "Sweetie, why don't you go to the living room? Daddy and Mommy have to talk."
Aubree smiles and gets down from the chair, and walks off to the living room.
My heart is pounding by the time his eyes look into mine. They're still the hard blues from the New Year's party. "Okay, you said you wanted to talk, so let's talk." He leans against the counter and crosses his arms.
I take a deep breath before I begin. "I thought that I was doing the right thing by cancelling the abortion to be with you. That's what I thought was right. Obviously, I was wrong, and I'm so sorry for that. Nothing I did was ever meant to hurt you, you know that I could never do that. I'm so in love with you that the thought of hurting you hurts me. You might not be ready to forgive me and come home, but I just want you to know that the abortion has been rescheduled for next Wednesday. I'd still like you to come with me, so we can go through this as a married couple." I subconsciously bite my lip, awaiting his answer.
The first thing I can tell about his reaction is that his eyes light up when I tell him about the abortion. I knew he'd be happy about it because he's so adamant in me getting one. The next thing that he does is uncross his arms. When it comes to body language, that's a good sign. I can even see the smallest hint of a smile. "I'm happy to hear that you're getting an abortion, but I still don't think you understand my view on it. You say that you were cancelling it for me, but you should've known that cancelling it was the last thing I ever wanted. I'd never allow you to be in harm's way of anything, and the fact that you gave your condition more time to hurt you upset me. Were you really thinking about me when you cancelled it, or were you thinking about you?"
As much as I hate to admit it, he's right. In truth, I was thinking about him, but I was thinking about me, too. It doesn't sit right with me that I'm giving up on these miracles so easily without truly fighting for them. But, I guess I've done just about as much fighting as I can do. The longer I wait, the more damage that's done to my family, and I don't know how whether it's reparable or not. "I've had a lot of time to think about it, and I'm going to go through with it for us and for our family. I love you, and I couldn't dream of leaving you."
Finally, that smile that I've waited for comes onto his face, and his arms open so I can go in them. This is right where I want to be. Anywhere else just could not compare to the feeling that my husband gives me. This doesn't mean that everything is all rainbows and sunshine now, but we're getting one step closer to that.
While I'm listening to the soothing beat of his heart, he asks, "Can you do something for me?"
I don't hesitate. "Anything."
A few beats of his heart go by before he says what he wants. "Since I can't drive for another week or two, I need you to take me to the crash site. I need to see it."