Comment Topic: Name 1 attribute of the protagonist that makes him/her appear as a real person who could exist outside of a book. Please be descriptive - 5 sentences or more, and don't forget to address the Author's note.
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Author #1: Danielle_Burton
Book Title: Excuse Me, First Love?
Book Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/47898239-excuse-me-first-love
Specified Chapter: Chapter 1
Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A
Author's Note: I'm so excited to be spotlighted this week because I have witnessed the wonderful comments here at NBR!
I have chosen my first chapter to be spotlighted because according to my stats it only has 58% completed reads! :( Also my reads tend to stagger from chapter to chapter.
My questions are as follows:
1.) Do you find this chapter and the characters it introduces to be interesting?
2.) Is there anything you noticed that you feel could be causing the drop off in readers?
Moderator Rating: PG
Genre: Romance
Winning Comment: I'm gonna go straight to the point and make a radical recommendation. Since this is your first chapter, I want the intro to be as great a hook as possible. In light of this, I suggest making the following dialogue the very first sentence:
"Sports are for manly girls." She went back to ...
"Excuse me??" I glared a hole into the back of her head...I don't know who Cammie felt she was (by the way, she hated being referred to as Cammie, but I couldn't care less now...)
And continue the chapter up until the end when she meets Jayson Adams. (And yes, this will be the first introduction of this character). Basically cut out all the beginning part before "Sports are for manly girls." The cut out section would come into play later, trust me.
Back to the first sentence. The reason why I have that as your first sentence is because right off the bat you have an apparent conflict between two characters. I like to think that conflict and tension is what makes a story flow. This intro would get people excited, probably controversially but believe you me, people love reading stuff that is imbued with conflicts and controversies. Also, it doesn't have to be that particular line (you can pick any dialogue that has enough spice to make you want to know what happens next). The point is that I think your first few paragraphs, as they originally are, really slows down the pace of the story and you may be losing readers there.
I also recommend ending with Jayson Adams being introduced for the first time. My guess is that this would leave the audience wondering, "what the hell?". And when people wonder that, I think, they are more likely to want to read the next chapter. In the next chapter, I'd recommend beginning with the following sentence:
"River Crest was one of those places people dreamed of moving to."
And continue up until the point where she say she is still waiting for her feelings to disappear. For now, you might have to make her introduction to Cam less of a priority or somehow work it into the story in the first chapter. All of these recommendations are based on the fact that the central theme of the story is Gabi and Jayson's relationship. There were quite a few parts of the your first chapter that seemed to slow the pace and serve no special purpose in moving the story along the main theme. Not of course, that every sentence has to be about Gabi and Jayson.
There is also another reason why I don't think it is a good idea starting with the obvious revelation that Gabi was once and still is in love with Jayson. The reason is that it makes things predictable. When I began reading, I made a mental note to myself that we were going to run into Jayson sometime in this chapter. And sure enough we did. I've always felt that when romance in stories are predictable it takes a little away from the entertainment and mystery. And I really like surprises in stories. But maybe I'm the problem. Maybe, I probably don't understand teen fiction. Maybe I'm too quick to judge. But I think I'm changing and I have your story to thank for that. Because I was consciously aware that this story was a learning experience for me and not just in terms of the writing, but in terms of how to read certain genres.
And even if you don't take my advice, I'm inclined to think you did your job excellently well. For a couple reasons. The chapter had a purpose, a very clear one. You began by highlighting the most relevant history. A history that would take meaning at the end of the chapter. You also built an amazing main character and helped her roommate further bring out her uniqueness by giving both those characters nearly opposite attributes. But that's not all.
The truth is I fell in love with this story before I began reading it. LOVED the cover and the picture for the chapter. And then I realized the main character majors in Astrophysics. LOVED it!
Fantastic job and thanks for sharing. - Medscifi
Follow this Winner: Medscifi
1st Runner Up: -Tweck-
2nd Runner Up: PipSqueeks88
Final Author's Note: First I'd like to thank DawnStarling [Thanks!] to giving me the opportunity to be spotlighted!
This experience was really fun and I learned a lot. The mot important being that everyone's opinion differs. I got so many conflicting comments it made my head spin. :) I also got a lot of great advice which I am very thankful for.
Last but not least I want to thanks everyone for their awesome comments and feedback. It was so hard choosing just one winner
Well, that all. I had fun!
~ Danielle ~
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Author #2: bclemens
Book Title: Cursed Angel
Book Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/3990939-cursed-angel
Specified Chapter: Chapter 2
Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A
Author's Note: Hi everyone! I want to know how you guys feel about my characters. Do they feel like they have real personalities? Or do they only feel like a string of words? Thank you! ^•^ Happy Reading!
Moderator Rating: PG, nothing scary at all - very humorous. You will laugh.
Genre: Paranormal
Winning Comment: Hello and congrats on being spotlighted! Very much deserved (:
I do this a little differently. I read it on my phone but write down my thoughts on here as I go so hold on tight! It might be a little long.
-Interesting use in "teeming", I have never used the word much before but placing it with a hallway is a great use! It makes it seem very full which explains why your character (I'm not sure if they are female or male yet) in such a rush and can only throw their backpack messily, haha. Also the messy locker gives us an insight to their character which I love!
-"After I deigned myself pleasant smelling" this sentence confuses me because "deigned" means something like "to come off your high horse" and doesn't really work here. Perhaps use "deemed"?
-I don't like gym either so I completely understand where they are coming from. I like how you let us inside their thoughts making us feel the hatred for the subject. A small suggestion, instead of saying "(note: I'm a geek)" I kind of want to figure out which team they are on rather than just tell me. Not only this, but later on the sentence you say "Guess what team I'm on? Hint" not with Ken" although you have previously told us which team they are on. For the record, I would be on nerd as well lol
-I laughed at the part about the couch potatoes staring at the clock. The hyper nerds are golden. I can just imagine them standing there trying to do this major calculation and then BAM! Very humorous!
-Try shortening the sentence "I ran through the gym and pushed open the locker room door, and quickly threw on some gym clothes after determining that mine weren't the cause of the horrific odor." Perhaps add a period after "door" and rephrase the next sentence slightly. Light editing! (At this point I find out the main character is a girl)
-Your character intrigues me! She is definitely not like the others. Her I-dont-care relaxed attitude is very realistic and entrhalling. I feel like we'd get along haha!
-Instead of using "and" in sentences like "She told me simply, but her green eyes twinkled with mischief and a smirk played on at her lips" maybe try to use a comma or break up the sentence. I see this occuring sometimes through the chapter (and the only reason I notice is because I am a victim of this as well). A simple fix no worries!
-The relationship between Kiara and Carmen is fantastic! I love their banter and again we see Kiara's spunky personality. Great job!
-"I didn't even get the chance to say who's going to bring cupcakes to my funeral" HAHAHAHAHA! This is freaking great! And what does the lovechild of an elephant sound like? Haha.
-I don't think there needs to be parenthese around"possibly suicidal"
-The part where Mariah apparently calls on her mini-me for her team confused me. I thought she was calling Kiara a mini-me at first instead of calling on someone. Maybe it needs a different placement or explination beforehand? Like, "Mariah's eyes scanned the options landing on the only real possibility. "Mini-me," she called out."
-Booty gloss omfg hahahahaha!
-Kiara is so freaking hilarious I can't stop laughing! I do like that she can also be very emotional too when her best friend thinks she knocked that poor boy out on purpose.
-I am a little thrown off by the "There's a pickle in my teapot" part. Is he okay?O.o
Final comments: Your character is very realistic to me! I really like how quickly relatable she is. Although she is very sarcastic she is also very emotional, especially when her best friend turns on her. She clearly cares about hat others think regardless of what she shows. I also like the plot from what I've read. As a stand alone chapter it is very high-schoolesque (That's totes not a word but whatever lol). I laughed throughout half of it and hope thats the tone you wish to continue. The part where her strength is suddenly hulk mode is an awesome twist and makes me curious. Great work! Hope I could help out some (: - AustenSnowWrites
Follow this Winner: AustenSnowWrites
1st Runner Up: thedeadlypen
2nd Runner Up: twin_cities
Final Author's Note: Thank you all for your input! It was really really helpful. I didn't even realize half the stuff and its nice to see it through a stranger's eyes. I'm sorry to those of you who were upset that it didn't have enough paranormal. Chapter 2 is still introductory and the plot takes on a more paranormal approach once you get past Chapter 3. I'm glad you guys liked Kiara. Umm.. Yep. Thank you and happy reading guys. ^•^
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Author #3: KaraMichelleBooks
Book Title: Breeder Nation
Book Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/47346959-breeder-nation
Specified Chapter: Chapter One ~Maddie~
Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A
Author's Note: Hi! I am the Michelle half of our Kara Michelle duo and author of Chapter One. As a new writer I would just love any and all feedback on this chapter. Most importantly, does it interest you and make you want to read more? *Biting my nails and hiding in a corner* Thanks!
Moderator Rating: PG
Genre: Science Fiction
Winning Comment: Lets get this straight. It took me three hours to write this whole thing. (And no. I haven't dropped superglue on my keyboard XP) I was so engrossed in reading this, that I forgot to look for edits. Based on that, I guess I wouldn't mind if you skip reading what is below. Its an achievement in itself, which according to me, doesn't deserve a critique.
I'll start with the teeny-weeny edits -
~ "I stared at my fingers soaked in red blood" Do you find blood of any other color? Well, then you can remove 'red' from there ;)
~ "I've started my period and the impossibility of the solution hits me" "I 'have' started my period and the impossibility of the solution 'hits' me." Rings some bells? You have used present perfect here, and then switched to present continuous. I think if you broke this into two sentences, it would make a punch line in itself. "I have started my period (in a different para). The impossibility of the situation hits me" Also, I'm thinking that 'situation' would be a better description of this than 'solution' ;)
~ "A million thoughts fight for the forefront of my mind." I think you should use 'at' instead of 'for'. (Just a trivial edit. You can ignore it if it pisses you)
~ "None of the girls are ever seen or heard from again." I think removing the 'from' would increase its readability by a notch.
~ "...rumors that the Breeders are locked up, free will stripped away.." adding 'their' before 'free' would enhance the flow.
~ "The rumors that I'm hoping, praying , are true are that of ..." this sentence is too long. I don't mind really since you used commas. Just add another comma after 'true', and remove the one after 'praying'. (that's me being nitpicky)
~"Not to my family, not even Travis, my best friend." add 'to' before 'Travis'
~"If they know anything, their lives are at risk..." replace 'are' with 'will be'
~ I have just realized that you have a pattern of structuring sentences. Look at this-
"I'm already making a mental list of everything I need to do before I go... "look at the whole paragraph, until the line "If I'm going to do this..." Did you notice something? You tend to divide sentences into three parts using commas. And that is okay with me unless you keep doing it in every sentence which can make me conscious of that. So try to break that flow by not doing it in consecutive sentences.
~ "What was once a city among thousands in this country' replace 'country' with 'continent' because right in the next sentence you have stated the same.
~"... so that when I leave here, I can..." you can remove 'here'.
~"And somewhere along the way he became my person, my best friend." I think you can remove 'my person' from there ;P lol
~"It was almost as if I knew it would affect my life in a worse way than most." This like sounds like a bit of unnecessary foreshadowing. There was no way she could know. You can do well without it :)
~ There is one odd thing that I feel like I'm reading my own writing because we both have a knack for writing long sentences that run up to Antarctica. Since I do that too, I won't complain xp
~ The transition from Travis, to her bracelet, and finally to her sister seems a little edgy. Try smoothening it out. When you say, "I immediately decide that I can't leave..." and then you suddenly say," My attention drifts to the bracelet...", I zeroed down on this sentence.
~ "My Mom gave me her bracelet when I was little." It would be 'had given me' instead of 'gave'
Now, time for my fangirl goodies.
~ There were certain places where I absolutely loved the way you made then relatable. Some of the most remarkable instances would be where she feels that her wrist is 'naked' after removing the bracelet. Its far too relatable, and I loved it. Similarly, the hum of the refrigerator, the crunch of the gravel, the soft 'click' of the door. You used these subtle things to create a three dimensional visual for the reader. *pats your back* Good job!
As for her being relatable, I found her very real and relatable, keeping in mind that this is just the first chapter. No major flaw in character structuration. You made her look vulnerable, brave, and definitely 'real'.
Overall, it has a Katniss-Gale dynamic, and a Hunger Games feel to it. Though, its very different, I still like it all the more.
I wish you all the best for the future. And guess what? You just earned yourself a reader (an extremely picky one at that, if cant tell by now.) :P
Happy Writing! My message for Maddie (which is a very cute name) - Go get 'em tiger! And please for God's sake don't fall in love with someone like Peta ;P lol - Debismita
Follow this Winner: Debismita
1st Runner Up: PipSqueeks88
2nd Runner Up: nberry34
Final Author's Note: Being in the spotlight is cray to the zay! Mostly, I want to say thank you to everyone who took the time to give us an . I was overwhelmed with the amount of positive, helpful, and inspiring comments we received. The NBR contest is full of amazing people and is really cool to be a part of. Thank you Dawn [You're welcome!] for making that possible!
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Week ending 11.06.15