Hiiii! Just letting you guys know that there won't be another update until October 23rd :( I'm going to be out of town for most of next week and my midterms are the week after that so I have to majorly study. I might put up half of the chapter or maybe a bonus chapter to tide you guys over lol. Xoxo
Song: When I Get Where I'm Going by Brad Paisley & Dolly Parton {Yeah when I get where I'm going / Don't cry for me down here}
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December 29th, 2013 (11 weeks, 6 days)
As soon as I walk out the front doors of the hospital, I'm met by my three beautiful kids. Callie and Andrew wave at me from inside their car, but I don't have much time to react because Aubree is running toward me. "Mommy!" she yells, a big grin on her face.
I bend over just in time to pick her up. "Hey there, baby girl. Are you excited to see Daddy?" She nods enthusiastically and I laugh. It always brightens my day to see my kids, but seeing them with Paul given the current situation makes everything ten times better.
Meadow walks over to us, carrying Luke in his car seat. She gives me a small hug. "How's Dad doing today?"
"He's doing really good. We've already walked a little bit today. He's resting right now and waiting for you and your siblings." I smile at her as we walk inside of the hospital.
I don't know what it is, but today has such a positive vibe to it. Even though it's only been five days since Paul has woken up, he is getting better and better with each passing day. He's so excited at the possibility that he may be getting to go home soon, and I'm just as excited for him. I long for the nights that I get to lay next to my husband and sleep in his arms. The fact that those nights could be coming soon makes me want to jump for joy. Of course, there's still the physical therapy for him to get back into the swing of things, but Paul is excelling at everything the nurses want him to do.
During the short walk to Paul's room, Aubree tells me about how she has made the house into her own castle. It makes me laugh when she goes into detail, saying that she has made everyone her servants in her kingdom. My daughter has such a wild imagination. Paul may not be happy to hear about this, because I know that he's still holding out hope to get her into cars. With this news, however, that may be a long shot.
When we step into his room, my heart squeezes in my chest when I see Paul's face light up. Aubree immediately starts reaching for him, and I sit her in Paul's lap. "Aubree, be careful with Daddy, okay?" I tell her, but it's useless. She has her small arms wrapped around his neck. It worries me a little with all of the wires that are still connected to him, but those worries are alleviated when my husband grins at me.
"Daddy, when are you coming up?" Aubree asks him, pulling away from the hug.
Paul looks between Meadow and I, unsure of what to say to her. We've all missed him being at home. It's just not the same without him there, and I know that Aubree can sense the difference. She may not be old enough to fully realize what is going on, but she can tell that things aren't the same since before the accident. "Well, sweetheart, I hope to come home soon. I will as soon as the doctors tell me that I'm okay."
Aubree frowns and her eyes water a little. "Are you okay, Daddy?" She loves him so much, and it tears me to pieces to see this taking place.
He kisses her forehead softly. "Yeah, I'm okay. When I get home, we will ride around your castle in your pink Barbie jeep that Uncle Ty got for you. Does that sound good?"
Before Aubree can say anything, Meadow inserts herself into the conversation. "What about me? Am I going to get a car anytime soon?"
Paul chuckles and says, "Mead, you're not sixteen, and you don't have your permit yet."
"So?" Meadow puts Luke's car seat in a chair, but I take him out of it.
A nurse knocks on the door and walks in carrying what looks like a shower caddy filled with needles and tubes. "It's time to do your blood work, Mr. Walker." She smiles and sets her things on his bedside table. "Do you need to go to the bathroom first? This will take a couple of minutes."
I divert my attention from them and focus on the kids. "Meadow, could you take your brother and sister to the cafeteria while she does this? Caleb and Stephanie are down there." She nods and they are out the door in seconds. I turn around to see if Paul needs help getting out of bed, but he is already opening the bathroom door.
"Just call out if you need any help in there," the nurse says. She moves away from the door to start getting her stuff ready.
While Paul is in the bathroom, I decide to ask the nurse a couple of questions. "So, what exactly is the purpose of the blood work?" I sit down in the chair that my son's car seat occupied only moments ago.
"It's just to see if he's getting the appropriate amount of vitamins and minerals in his blood. Since he can eat on his own now, those levels will be fluctuating more. Plus, this is also to detect changes in his condition. Anything that could be low could indicate a problem." She smiles softly at me while laying three empty tubes on his bedside table.
My thoughts begin to run rampant at the possibility of another complication. I just got him back five days ago, and if something else were to happen, I'd go crazy. He's already been through so much and he doesn't need anything else on his plate. My doctor's appointment is supposed to be in three days, but I may need to cancel it to be with him, depending on the results of this blood work. "I'll be right back," I mumble, stepping outside of the room.
I take a deep breath and pull my phone out, then type in the number of the doctor to call and cancel my appointment. I'm not canceling because I'm backing out of it, I'm doing this because Paul needs me to be here. There's a fear that I have in the back of my mind that if I leave him for a little while, he will slip back into a coma. It probably sounds absurd, but going twenty four days of not knowing whether he was going to live or not was pure torture.
Once I cancel my appointment, I turn back into the room to see Paul exiting the bathroom. Normally, seeing him walk brings a smile to my face, but not this time. He has his hand on his chest, and his face looks like he's in discomfort. I immediately go to his side, as does the nurse. "Paul, are you okay?" I ask him.
He nods and starts to smile. "Yeah, I just feel a little weird. Almost like I'm out of breath or something."
"Let's get you into bed and rest for a few minutes," the nurse says. We carefully set him in his bed, and he begins to relax.
I grab his hand and squeeze it. "I love you," I tell him, not really sure of what else to say. He looks over and smiles at me.
Over the next couple of minutes, the nurse lets Paul rest before she takes his blood. She tells him exactly what she is going to be doing, and what the tests are supposed to show. Even though I've had two kids, needles still make me queasy so I have to turn away while his blood is drawn. After the fact, she asks him how he's feeling and if his chest is hurting. He says no, but I'm not sure if I can believe him or not. "You can't be up and moving around until we get the results back, okay? I think you've exerted yourself enough for now anyways."
She probably doesn't know it, but that bit of information went in one ear and out the other for him. He thinks that he's getting stronger by the day, and I agree, but he did have a major car accident four weeks ago. He has to take it easy.
When the nurse leaves, he looks over at me and asks, "Can I have your phone?"
"Why?" My stomach flips and turns. If he looks at my call log, he will ask why I called the doctor's office a few minutes ago. My lying skills aren't that great especially when it comes to him, so lying wouldn't be an option.
The smile that lights up his face is contagious. "Because I want to dance with you. Now give me your phone so I can play the song." A smile is now on my lips as I give my phone to him. "This should've been our wedding song," he says as he types something into my phone. Once the music starts playing, he gets up from the bed.
"Baby, she told you to rest. You need the rest." My eyes stay on him as he walks around the bed and holds his hand out to me.
"Please? You've been through hell the past couple of weeks and I want to dance with my wife." There is something particularly mesmerizing about his eyes at this moment. Of course, I can't deny him of anything he wants. I take his hand and he smiles that smile I fell in love with.
We start slow dancing around in circles, and I recognize the song 'I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing' by Aerosmith. I can't help but laugh. "Really, Paul? Aerosmith as our wedding song?"
I can feel him laughing softly. "Yes, love. I think it kinda fits perfectly in this situation, don't you think?" When he says that, the lyric about not falling asleep to miss anything is sung. He does have a point, but I don't like how it fits.
"You shouldn't joke about that. I thought I'd lost you." I lay my head against his chest, listening to his heart beat. It's the most calming sound.
He kisses the top of my head. "I know I shouldn't joke about it, but that's over now. I'm here and I'm never going to leave you. Doesn't the letters you've read tell you that?"
Instead of saying anything, I try to enjoy this moment dancing with the love of my life. I'm so lucky to have him here with me, especially dancing with me to this particular song. It's such a cheesy song, but this moment isn't. I love him so much, it's almost more than I can take.
"I'm so in love with you," he whispers. "My love has been so strong through all of this. I'm so proud of you." He takes a second to tilt my chin up and kiss me, and my heart feels like it could burst at any moment. How does he manage to do this? Every time I'm with him, he just blows me away with anything he does. I'm so glad he wants to spend the rest of his life with me just as much as I do him.
As the song is coming to an end, so is our dance. Paul groans, and I giggle at the thought that he could be getting turned on in the hospital. But, when I look up at him, his face tells a different story. He has that same grimace he had about twenty minutes ago. "Paul? What's going on? Are you okay?"
"I feel like I can't breathe," he manages to get out. His legs start to shake until they give out. I try to hold him up, but it's impossible. He falls to the floor, as do I.
Oh my god, no. This can't be happening! He was just here! "Baby, wake up! Nurse! Somebody! I need some help in here!" My eyes do no leave Paul, hoping that he will just wake up.
A couple of nurses rush in and ask me to back away. One of them checks his pulse, and I notice his eyes widen. "Get me a d-fib! He's code blue!" The other nurse runs out of the room while this nurse stays with Paul and starts giving him chest compressions.
I move away from them into a corner. "What's code blue?" I ask, even though I don't really want to know the answer.
He glances up at me for a second, not stopping the chest compressions. "Cardiac arrest."
All of the air rushes out of me as I hear code blue and Paul's room number being called out over the intercom. More people rush into the room to help him. They put him in his bed so they can work on him more effectively. The nurse that came to draw Paul's blood enters the room and leads me out to give them space. Once outside the room, however, I collapse against the wall. This cannot be happening! I was just talking to him and we were dancing. Why did I let him get up?
My fingers aren't fast enough to wipe away the tears that are streaming down my face. Is this punishment for canceling the appointment? I feel someone's arms around me, and I look up to see that it's Caleb. Stephanie is holding Luke and she has her hands over her mouth in shock, and Meadow is down on her knees crying. Aubree is clinging to Stephanie's leg. This is all so surreal, just like the day of the accident. We might just be losing him again, and I'm powerless to stop it, again.
The door to Paul's room opens up, with a doctor stepping out and taking a deep breath.
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'You don't realize how much you appreciate something until somebody takes it away.' Paul's quote from Fast & Furious 6 is haunting my mind right now. Before the accident, I him for granted. Then, when he woke up from the coma, I fell back into old habits. I expected to see his smiling face everyday from that day on. Now that he's gone, I'm not sure what to do.
There's this empty, hollow feeling in my chest that I know can never be replaced. Throughout our life together, Paul always kept me surrounded by love and happiness. Occasionally we had our fights, but they didn't happen as much because there was more love than anything. However, I'd give anything to have another fight with him if that meant I'd get to see him one more time.
I know that for the rest of my life, I will blame myself for the fact that I let him get up. He only wanted to cheer me up by dancing with me, just to make me feel better. I should've listen to that nurse and made him sit back down. Maybe if I'd done that, I'd by laying next to him in his hospital bed watching television.
There are numerous hugs that I'm pulled into, but none of them can bring the warm feeling that came with Paul's hugs. I don't know what it is really. It might be the fact that I was in love with him that made his embrace feel so much better than others. Or maybe it was because Paul had so much light inside of him that being in his arms couldn't have made you anything but happy.
As the casket is brought in, I feel my spirit chip away slowly. With each step the pallbearers take, another piece of me dies. I'll never get that back. I'll never be the same, nor will I ever fall in love again. My heart and soul belonged to him, but now he has carried it away with him to Heaven.
"Sierra, wake up!" a soft voice says, shaking me.
I open my eyes to the bright lights of the ICU waiting room. Oh my god, was that a dream? Is Paul still here? I'm not sure what to feel. Last time something like that happened, it turned out to be real. My walls are up as high as they can go, but they will come crumbling down if it's true. I need my husband to alive. My eyes focus on Meadow first, then the kids, then Caleb and Stephanie.
"What happened? Has a doctor talked to you guys yet?" There's a huge lump in the back of my throat. Tears are already beginning to brim my eyes as I await their answer.
Caleb shakes his head. "They just told us to wait here."
I sit up in my chair, stretching a little bit. "Have you guys called any of the family?"
"No," Stephanie replies, tightening her hold on Caleb's arm. "We didn't want to call anyone until we knew what was going on."
My mind flashes back to what the nurse told me. Paul went into cardiac arrest, but I don't understand that. My husband is one of the healthiest people that I know. Well, before the accident, that is. He's never told me of any heart problems in his family, so there shouldn't be a reason why his heart just suddenly stopped. It doesn't make any sense.
Just when I'm fixing to ask them another question, a doctor appears and calls out my name. I immediately go over to him, but I look back at my family and tell them to stay. If it's something bad, I'd rather be the one to tell Meadow than her hear it from the doctor. "How is he?" I ask uneasily.
"He's fine. We have him stabilized, but we put him under sedation for now to keep him calm. It surprised me to look at his file and not see any family history of heart problems, as I'm sure you know. Basically, the electrical side of his heart failed and sent him into sudden cardiac arrest. I took a look at his lab results, and it showed that had low levels of magnesium and potassium. Under different circumstances, just one of those low levels would cause it, but both of them being low almost killed him. He's lucky to be alive," he says, finishing with a small smile.
I try to take that all in, but focus mainly on the fact that Paul is still on this planet. "Okay, so when can I see him?"
"You can see him right now, if you'd like, but we would like to only have one person at a time."
"Alright, thank you doctor." We part ways and I walk back to my family to explain what is going on. They embrace each other and me as we rejoice over the fact that he's still here. It will be even longer until he gets home, but the fact that he will come home outshines the negative. "He's still sedated but I'm going to go back there for a while, then I'll let you guys go see him."
Caleb pulls out his phone. "While you are back there, we will make some calls."
I smile at him, thankful for the fact that I have such a great brother-in-law. He's come a long way from being the teasing, hilarious person that he used to be. Although, Paul's accident has forced him to be more serious. I sigh internally when I think about all of the pranks that are going to resume once this is all over.
When I return to Paul's room, it frightens me a little to see more machines hooked up. I'd gotten so used to them not being there because he was getting better. I take a deep breath and try to remind myself that those machines won't be there forever, possibly for just a day or two. It seems as if we are right back to square one, and these past five days with Paul being awake didn't really happen. We were just dancing less than two hours ago, and now he's back to laying in the bed. The tears finally let loose, along with a soft sob.
It takes all the strength in me to sit next to him and grab his hand. He only wanted to do something sweet for me, but I should've told him no. If I knew that this was going to happen, then I wouldn't have wanted it. But, there's no changing anything now; what's done is done. All I can do is hope and pray that he will come through this soon. Yes, the doctor did say that my baby will be okay, but they had no idea that this was going to happen. They are doctors, not God.
My eyes move from his face to my bag in the corner. I had left it in here when the nurses rushed me out of the room. The letters are in there, just as they always are. There are a couple of letters that I know I could reread, but I'm in the mood for something different. I quickly walk over to retrieve my bag, then return to my chair to hold Paul's hand.
Open When...
You're Worried
Baby girl, I want you to do something for me. Whatever is going on right now, whatever is worrying you, just let it all go as you're reading this letter. Just give me a couple of minutes to help you relax and ease your mind a little bit.
Of course, if I was right there beside you, our way of winding down and relaxing would be the bathtub and some candles. But, since I can't do that over these letter, this will have to do.
Please love, do not worry about anything that's going on as you're reading this. That is easier said than done, but you don't need to worry your beautiful mind. I wrote this letter because I know you have a tendency to worry about things you shouldn't. If what you're worrying about is some sort of obstacle you and I are facing, you know that we got this. Easy peasy, right? Nothing that life throws us we can't overcome. Considering all that we've been through, we are strong enough to handle anything, and that's why you shouldn't worry.
I want you to be able to relax because when you do, that soft smile that reaches your eyes sends my heart into overdrive. My love for you is so incredible that sometimes I can't believe it myself. The dream of being with you never ends and I know that it never will.
If the situation were reversed and I was worried about something, I know that you would be telling me the same things. There are an innumerable amount of reasons that I love you, but I would spend eternity naming them all with every last breath I have. You're not only my world, but my universe as well. All of the stars that make it up cannot shine as bright as you, because you're my light in the darkness.
Is it selfish of me to want to be the only one you turn to in troublesome times? I want to be able to hold you in my arms and shelter you from all of those worries. Even though this letter can't fully justify how much I long to embrace you as you read this, I hope that somehow you can feel my arms around you.
If I were right there next to you, I'd hold you ever so softly, making sure that you're warm and safe. Then, I'd touch your cheek tenderly and place an intimate kiss on your lips. Even though our hearts would be racing like two teenagers who are in love, the beats would be together as one. You're my soulmate and I'd do anything to make sure that you're always as happy as can be with a smile on your face.
Your crazy in love husband,
Paul