Multo tempore non videre! I'm so so sorry for the long wait. I was stressing about exams, then results, then acceptance into university (which went perfectly, thanks for asking ;D) then Freshers Week, then lectures starting...well...you know the drill (some of you do anyway). But here's chapter nineteen! I hope I've done this chapter justice not just on its own but for the previous chapter too.
- Admeta's P.O.V -
My first encounter with Remy was laced with suspicion because I was never really liked and people would play on my loneliness just for a kick. But the more he spoke to me and asked me if I wanted to play with him, I've retained a semblance of hope that whispered to me; not everyone hated me.
No one hated me because I was a tomboy and because my clothes were ill-fitting. No one hated me because I fought back against oppression rather than passively accept it like most girls. Not everyone always had ill intentions whenever it came to me but I was too blind to see it because I had been emotionally scarred from my other ordeals.
Remy has always looked at me as his equal. He's never treated me with an ounce of differentiation because we had deviating anatomies. He always saw me for who I am - acknowledged my strengths and used my flaws to make me stronger. I would go as far to say that he sometimes gave me more credit than what I deserved and it's because of his attitude that I always treasured our friendship. I never once doubted him, or ever feel the need to replace him. He gave me strength when I lacked it and pushed me to overcome all the names, teasing and bullying I suffered.
Sure, we saw each other as rivals (what best friends didn't?) But it was friendly rivalry - one that pushed us to become better than we were yesterday. We teased each other to make us push harder but we always encouraged one another whenever one of us came to a standstill.
Out of the two of us, I was the one that had the most standstills. Each time, I realised that I had never truly escaped the bullying, just simply locked it away somewhere deep in my mind and forgot about it. I pretended that it didn't faze me anymore but it actual truth, I was scared. I was scared and a coward. All my insecurities would come to the surface like a bubbling brew on a stove and I'd end up stopping. Stopping myself from progressing. Stopping from achieving the future I always wanted.
But each time that happened, it'd be Remy to deliver that shove I desperately needed. He'd figuratively put his hands on my back, whisper encouraging words before giving me that push to start me off. And I'll keep going. I'll keep going because I didn't want to disappoint him. I didn't want him to think that all the time and energy he donated for me would have gone to waste.
So I kept pushing myself, failing to realise that Remy would never grow tired of me. I failed to realise that he'd never leave my side even when I became painstakingly infuriating at times (shout out to PMS). I concentrated so much on improving myself that I didn't notice my best friend standing happily on the side lines, content on watching me improve.
But when I did, in fact, realise that, I saw the strength Remy harboured within himself. He had enough for the both of us and more and instead of me counting on it, I simply disregarded it. Nonetheless, it didn't stop him from sharing it and I soon come to realise that I've always counted on Remy even when I didn't even notice. He was my rock in times of need and my smiles in times of tears. Whenever I tripped up, he'd hold out his hand and say "why cry when you're almost at the finish line?"
Those nine words always served as a reminder of the kind of strength Remy had - enough to keep pushing me forward despite my many failures. And more to help keep my feet firmly on the ground.
But all of that is null and void as I stare at the man beside me. His azure eyes gaze ahead of him unseeing; his body slumped pathetically against the side of the exerceo building. Bandages wrap his arms to the elbow and the blood that stains his shirt and pants have dried to a nasty brown.
"Stop staring at me, Addy..." The hoarse whisper causes me to force my eyes to the chapped lips that uttered the request, and my eyes stray to the dry tear tracks on either side of them before finally settling on the sunken eyes of my best friend, the once bright eyes now dull and basically lifeless.
"How can I not stare?" I reply softly, forcing my gaze away from the shell of a man I once knew. "I stare because I'm trying to find the man that is my best friend but all I find is a self-harming person..."
"Pathetic, isn't it?" Remy snorts dryly as he turns his face away and leans his head back.
I scowl. "No, it isn't."
Why am I lying?
"Yes, it is..." I glance guiltily at Remy from the corner of my eye to see his reaction. He just smiles humourlessly.
"This isn't funny, Remy." I admonish, turning my head to frown at him. Remy just continues smiling, blinking hooded eyes elsewhere.
"Isn't it?" He fires back and I pause with my mouth open. "A man of twenty-five years of age self-harming at the mention admitting his feelings to himself. Give this to a director. I bet it'll make the Grammys for best pathetic TV show to ever come into existence."
He runs a hand up and down his bandaged arm, swallowing thickly before moisturising his lips with his tongue. I open my mouth again to retort but nothing comes.
What could I say that doesn't make him feel so useless? I've always hated sentimental situations. My words are as comforting as security guard groping a woman in an airport.
"Remy...please don't say something like that..." I whisper sadly, down casting my eyes that shine with unshed tears. "You...you were always the strong one out of the two of us. I can't bear seeing you like this..."
Remy doesn't respond for a while, as he stares elsewhere, adamantly not meeting my gaze. He suddenly turns his hooded eyes to me, staring so intently at me to the point I start to shift uncomfortably.
Just as I'm about to open my mouth and ask why he's staring at me like that, he burst out laughing, throwing his head back as his laughter spills. I must have resembled a deer caught in headlights, my mouth opening and closing, unsure of what to say.
"The strong one?" He questions, his laughing growing harder. He wraps a bandaged hand over his stomach and keels forward, his laughter turning to guffaws. "That's a new one."
"Remy, this isn't funny!" I yell frustratedly, jumping to my feet and glaring down at the brunette. My hands ball into fists the moment Remy emerges into another fit of laughter.
"How isn't this not funny?" He retorts, wiping away his tears, his laughter cooling down. "You deemed me the strong one. I bet you recently started viewing me as Atlas; holding the world up and shít."
My hand springs out before I knew it, connecting with Remy's cheek and forcing his head to the side. The harsh, stinging contact of skin resonates through the expanse behind the exerceo building.
"I can't believe you find this whole situation hilarious." I mutter with my head down and my fringe shadowing my eyes. Remy slowly turns back to me, eyes resuming their hooded gaze. A red, angry handprint stains his left cheek.
"That's like watching Tom and Jerry and declaring Tom's misfortunes as mundane."
"Don't compare this to a fúcking cartoon show, Factorem!" I explode, slamming my fist into the side of the exerceo building. I immediately feel shards of the broken cement dig into my skin, drawing blood. I yank it out, turning to Remy to glare at him.
He gazes at the indentation with nonchalance before slowly looking over to me, blue eyes hooded. "This...situation...what you're going through...it isn't a joke," I express lowly, fringe shadowing my eyes as my hands shake at my sides. "The humour you're seeing, the laughter. I don't see it. So I don't understand why you're treating it as such. You're obviously hurting, Remy and it...kills me that I don't know what's causing you so much pain but you can't be so...callous about it. It's not right. It's not normal-"
"Do you think I find this normal?!" Remy suddenly bursts out, causing my head to snap up and eyes to widen. He shakily gets to his feet, pinning me with this intense glare I can't look away from. "Do you really think I'm...OK with all of this?! Cutting myself?! Running a blade over my skin again and again until I'm numb to the feeling of cold metal?! Do you really think, Admeta that I'm alright with any of this shít?!"
Remy hardly uses my actual name except for the times he's serious, angry or upset.
"Do you wanna know why I'm finding this all a joke?! Fine! It's because I'm ashamed!" My eyes widen further, mouth dropping open as I take in the pained expression Remy adopts, closing his eyes and gritting his teeth, his fists balling.
"I'm a grown man..." he says quietly, his eyes squeezing shut. "And here I am...turning to self-harming because my life gets rough. I'm not proud of this...I...this isn't something I want people to know about...and it's because I'm so fúcked up in the head!"
I gasp when Remy viciously tugs at the bandages on his arms, ripping them apart before jabbing his arms in my vision, under arms faced up. "Look at this!" He shouts, exposing the blade wounds that have yet to be healed. "What man my age would be proud of this?! I'm so fucking ashamed of what I do that I hate myself for it! I loathe myself, in fact! And what woman, especially a woman like Clara would ever love someone who bares such... repugnant scars such as these?!"
He suddenly cries out, gripping his hair as he drops to his knees in resignation, sobbing in such distraught that my heart breaks into a million pieces. This isn't Remy. Remy is strong, funny and amazing. Not weak, pained or so resigned...
"How can a woman...or anyone love a man like me...?" He continues to sob, head bowed and eyes shut tightly. "I'm broken and no one in this world likes a broken object. I'm pathetic...a-all of this is so...pathetic..."
Remy bawls quietly, tightening his grip on his hair and shaking his head softly. He stops when he hears a tear drop land on the floor in front of him, lowering his hands from his hair as he slowly looks up.
His eyes widen when he sees tears leaking from my eyes with fervour, my bottom lip in between my teeth to prevent myself from bawling my eyes out.
"You're damaged; Remy...I can see that now..." I say quietly before dropping on my knees and picking up the bandages from the ground. I begin re-wrapping them around Remy's arms, all the while trying to keep my tears in check so that I can speak.
"But...no one in this world...hates damaged people..." I continue in a low voice, carefully wrapping my best friend's arms, feeling his shocked stare on the top of my head while I focus my gaze on his arms. "I for one definitely do not hate people who are suffering. Remy, I don't hate you because you harm yourself. I never could hate you even if I wanted to..."
Once I've wrapped his arm, I knot the bandages before moving onto his other arm. "You're broken, Remy and you just need someone who will be there for you to pick up the pieces and glue them back together..."
I knot the other bandages, lifting my head up and hearing Remy have a sharp intake of breath at the big closed eye smile on my face. "And...I'll be the one...to pick up the pieces and glue them back together," I declare resolutely and Remy's eyes widen further. "I'll aid you on that difficult road to recovery. I'll shoulder your burdens with you to the point I'll even take most of weight onto myself. I'll do everything within my power to build you back to the man you truly are in my eyes. After all...we're best friends and what are best friends for?"
It's silent between us before the sound of Remy's sobbing reaches my ears and I open my eyes to see his head bowed, tears falling in numbers on the floor. However, these tears are the tears of gratitude, of relief and my smile softens as I place a comforting hand on Remy's shoulder, giving it a squeeze.
"T-Thank you, Addy..." My best friends says through his tears, lifting one arm and pressing the heel of his hand into his eye as he cries harder. "Thank you...so much..."
I shuffle forwards on my knees, placing my hands on either side of Remy's face and touching my forehead with his before closing my eyes. "You're welcome..." I reply softly, letting his tears fill the silence around us.
Because no matter what my friend goes through or what he has to endure, I'll be there for him. I won't run away but stay by his side until this time...I'm the one helping him get his feet firmly on the ground.
Like he did with me...all those years ago....
I know it's a bit short and the reason is it's showing the aftermath of Remy's lapse. I don't think it'll be exactly nice if I wrote this then immediately jumped back on the bandwagon of missions and such. Besides, I like how it ended and I hope you did too!
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