A/N: Hey guys! This one is kind of a happy chapter, a little break from all of the sad ones! For the rest of the chapters I'm going to include a song, then write the lyrics with it that are most relevant to the chapter. I know I said in the last book that I was going to do this but I'm sticking to it this time haha. xoxo
Song: Like I'm Gonna Lose You by Meghan Trainor & John Legend {So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you / And I'm gonna hold you like I'm saying goodbye}
December 21st, 2013 (10 weeks, 5 days)
When the sun rises, bringing in a new day, it doesn't bring the normal feeling of joy and happiness that it usually does. Today marks three weeks that Paul has been in a coma. No matter how much time passes, I can't lose hope that he will wake up. The day I do will be the day I lose myself. However, it's hard to face a world where the sun doesn't shine as brightly and the ocean isn't as calming as it used to be. Without Paul, the world just isn't the same.
A couple of days ago, I decided that I was going to have an abortion. Although I wish that it didn't have to come to that, it has to. For my husband's and my kids' sake, it's better for them. This is the only way that I will get to grow old with Paul and watch our grandkids play like we always talked about. I'm doing my part to get there, I can only hope that Paul will do his part too.
Even though I'm getting an abortion, I scheduled it after New Year's. It is four days away from Christmas but this holiday season doesn't feel right without my husband. I want to be able to spend time with him during the holidays, instead of being down about getting an abortion. Cheryl called me yesterday and we talked about what the family would do for Christmas. None of us are in the holiday mood, but we all know Paul would still want us to have fun. Personally, I would rather lay in bed with him and watch Christmas movies on the TV in his room. Just being with him calms all of my emotional thoughts and keeps me from thinking about the bad things.
It has been a while since Paul and I have watched a sunrise together. Actually, I can't even place the last time we did. I frown at the thought. It's one of our favorite things to do together, but this year has been such a whirlwind and we just haven't had the time. That's definitely something we will start back once Paul wakes up. There's nothing like laying in our chairs and watching the sun rise, lighting everything it touches. I'll never forget how the soft amber light would shine on Paul as he looked at the sun coming up. His blue eyes would occasionally look down at me, then he would make a joke about how I look at him more than I do the sunrise.
My heart aches for those times when everything between us would flow so easily. That's not to say that life is easy, but we would weather the storms together and come out strong. How can we possibly make it through this if he doesn't come back to me? He's the other half of my soul, the one who I crave more than anything. I love how I feel when I'm around him. We build each other up and help each other if one of us falls. Right now, we are both falling but I don't have the strength to get both of us back up.
The door to the porch opens and Callie steps through, a blanket wrapped around her. "Good morning," she says, taking a seat next to me. "Did you get much sleep?"
I don't look at her when I answer. "Nope. The bed feels too cold and lonely without him. I'm supposed to be strong for the kids but I've already pushed one away. Aubree's starting to get anxious about him waking up. Of course, Luke is entirely too young to know what is going on, but Aubree is starting to realize something is wrong." I haven't tried to talk to Meadow in a couple of days, mostly because there hasn't been anything new to report. Paul's condition has been the same but I can't say whether that is a good or bad thing.
Callie nods, switching her gaze from me to the sunrise. "You know, maybe if you told Meadow that you are getting an abortion, she will come back. She just wants to know that someone is there for her and is on her side. She's afraid of losing two people she cares about, that's why she is so upset." Callie tightens the blanket around her as a cool breeze begins to blow.
I run her answer through my mind, trying to think of what I would say to Meadow. Would she really come back if I told her I am getting an abortion? I'm not sure. There's only one way to find out, but I have to think of what I will say to her first. For now, I put it aside and switch the topic. "So, how does Andrew feel about becoming a dad?"
"Oh god," Callie laughs, covering her face with her hands. "You should've seen his face when I told him I was pregnant. It was like he had seen a ghost." She smiles at the memory.
"And that's a good thing?" I ask, the confusion clear in my voice.
She waves her hand at me, dismissing my question. "No, I didn't mean it like that. It's just that he doesn't know if he will be a good father. I told him that was nonsense because he's good with Aubree. Obviously he will be a good father if he allows her to put tiaras on him," she says, laughing softly.
I laugh along with her. "You have a point there. I'm sure you two will make great parents. If it helps, I'll let you guys keep the kids more so it gives him some practice. He'll need to start changing diapers too."
Callie laughs harder this time. "Maybe changing diapers is what made his face so pale when I told him!"
"It might've been!" I agree. Sitting here laughing with my best friend lightens my mood, although it could change quickly depending on what might happen at the hospital today. Every time I go, I always half expect to see Paul awake when I walk through the door to his room. But, every day since three weeks ago, that hasn't been the case. My emotions want to do a complete 360 from my happy attitude, but I don't allow it to. This sunrise should give me hope for a new day, not tear it down before it really even begins.
"What are you ladies laughing about?" Andrew asks, stepping onto the patio.
"Oh nothing," Callie mumbles, smiling at him as he walks over and kisses her.
I turn my head as the gesture makes me slightly uncomfortable. The times where Paul and I would share sweet kisses like that seems as if it's a distant memory. It's not, though. My husband is alive, not exactly well, but he is alive. I have to hold onto that.
--
As I pull into the hospital parking lot, I realize that I'm here thirty minutes early. If it were another day I would leave and come back when it was actually time, but I'm going to go to his room anyways. There isn't a nurse or a doctor that is going to stop me from seeing my husband.
Initially, I had hoped that when I told Paul that I am getting an abortion, he would wake up. However, that doesn't seem to be the case. He is still lying in bed, looking as if he is asleep. Knowing that he looks that way helps ease a little bit of the stress. Accepting the reality is still a hard pill to swallow. Each and every day that I'm in here sitting by his bedside feels as if it's all a dream. In another place where I'm awake, we would still be loving each other and not worrying about car accidents or life or death situations.
Today, when I enter pass the ICU nurse's station, I'm not met with looks of pity. In fact, most of the nurses smile at me, which is something that hasn't happened within the past three weeks. Has something else happened and I've not been notified again? A couple of times I wasn't told about an improvement that had happened overnight; while I was extremely grateful for that improvement, I was frustrated with the fact that the nurses had not called me. I want to know what is going on with my husband and if he is improving. Their smiles tell me that it's something positive, so I rush into Paul's room, not wasting any time.
I'm met with the ICU doctor that I met the day after the accident and strangely enough, Cody and Caleb are in the room. Maybe I didn't get a call because his brothers are here. If so, that's okay.
"Ah, Mrs. Walker. It's good to see you again," the doctor walks over to me and shakes my hand. He's smiling too, but what exactly for?
"Has there been a change?" I ask, looking around him to Paul. To my disappointment, nothing seems different. Instead of standing and waiting for the doctor to say something, I automatically gravitate towards Paul. I smile at Cody and Caleb before sitting next to Paul on the bed and grabbing his hand.
The doctor stands at the end of the bed, his smile not faltering one bit. "Your husband has made significant improvement overnight, and I'm actually quite impressed. It leads me to believe that he may come out of the coma very, very soon."
Both Cody and Caleb turn to me, judging my reaction. It feels as if my mouth has dropped to the floor and I need to pick it up. To hear those words come out of the doctors mouth is almost heavenly, like the clouds have opened up and the angels are singing. I knew that I was right to believe he would make it back, even when all of the doctors and nurses thought he wouldn't.
"What improved?" is all I can get out. My mind is still reeling from the fact that I might be seeing those beautiful blue eyes so very soon.
"Well, we ran some tests a couple of hours ago. His oxygen level is back at one hundred percent, and there is no more infection in his lungs. That means that his pneumonia is gone, and we are out of the woods in terms of that. We also did an MRI to compare the results with the ones a few days ago, and the brain swelling has come down immensely. To sum it all up, your husband is doing great."
I don't notice the tears falling until Cody moves over to hug me. "Thank you so much, doctor. Thank you for taking care of him."
The light is at the end of the tunnel, and we are almost there. It seems like it won't be long before I'm back in my husband's arms and that makes me so happy. This long journey is almost over and we can go back to being us again. We can go back to early mornings and laughing over the small things. We can go back to sneaking glances at each other or doing little things to make each other smile. Most importantly, we can go back to loving each other as if there were no tomorrow.
The doctor quietly excuses himself as Cody lets go of me and Caleb takes his turn to hug me. "It's all going to be okay," he mumbles, rubbing my back. This is what is so great about having family to turn to. We are all here for each other when the times get rough, and all the other days too. I'm so proud to be a part of this family.
When Caleb lets go of me, I take a moment to calm myself down and wipe the tears away. "Okay, so," I begin, grabbing Paul's hand once again. "He said that there isn't any more infection in Paul's lungs, but why is the drain tube still in?"
Caleb turns to Cody, since he is the one who has all of the medical training. "They just got the results back on that test. We heard the lung part right when you did. So I would say they are fixing to take it out momentarily."
I nod, accepting that answer. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure if I can watch that happen. It is one thing to see my child being stuck with a needle, but it's another to see my husband have a chest tube pulled out of him.
A couple of nurses come in and explain that they are going to be taking the tube out. They tell me that I can stay, but I choose to step outside. Both of the boys come outside with me. "Well, I would call Meadow and tell her the good news but it's still four in the morning over there. She probably wouldn't accept my call anyways."
Cody puts his arm around me. "Everything will get better. Don't you see that things are starting to turn around? I'm sure it will be the same with Meadow."
Caleb agrees with him. "Yeah, exactly. You know that she loves you, so she will come back. It's understandable that she left though, she is only fifteen years old." He leans against the wall.
I look down at the floor, trying not to think about what the nurses are doing in there. Can Paul feel that tube being pulled out? Is he in pain? I want to go in there but I don't think I could stomach seeing that. Cody must be able to sense my nervousness because he starts rubbing my arm.
Ten minutes later, the nurses come out. One of them is carrying a bag, which I assume has the chest tube in it. The other one smiles at us and tells us that we can go in, but to be careful touching his chest area. We walk back inside and I take my spot next to Paul on the bed. Out of curiosity, I check the site of where the tube was. There's a small piece of gauze on it, probably to prevent it from getting infected. I'm not even going to think about that possibility. Today is a good day because Paul has made so much progress. He doesn't know it, but I'm so proud of him.
Even though I have company in the room, it feels like they aren't there. It's like Paul and I are the only ones here. His hair is ruffled but I smooth it down. God, I love this man so much that my heart almost can't bear it. I fell in love with him not because of who he's known to be, but who he actually is in his heart. His inside beauty is so pure and loving and quite frankly he's the greatest person I've ever known. How I got so lucky as to have him fall in love with me, I'll never truly know. I'm nothing special, just a girl from Tennessee who had high hopes and big dreams, only for everything to change when I looked into a pair of ocean blue eyes. If Paul was to hear me say that I'm nothing special, I know he would disagree. I'm not sure why though; I'm not anyone's role model and I didn't start a charity dedicated to helping people. That's why I love being in love with him and being his wife. I get to watch him grow and learn new ways about helping others. I love being able to support him and being able to lay next to him at the end of the day.
When I look up to say something to the boys, they aren't there. I guess they must've wanted to give me some privacy, and I silently thank them for that. The room is too quiet, so I grab the television remote and turn it on to chase away the silence.
--
Around lunchtime, Caleb and Cody come back in to say their goodbyes for the day. They tell me that Ashlie and Amie will be in later, then they hug me and leave. Once the door closes, I lay back down next to Paul. Just when I'm starting to get settled in to the next movie, my phone begins to buzz. I frown at it and consider not even answering it, but something tells me to. It's actually a Skype call, and it's Meadow.
It takes a couple of seconds for my brain to register what I'm seeing before I answer the call. I sit up in bed right as Meadow's face appears on the screen. She looks indifferent, as if she doesn't really know what to say. Truth be told, I'm not exactly sure what to say either. "Hey there, Meadow. It's nice to talk to you and see you."
She nods and looks down, not meeting my eyes. "How is Dad doing?"
"He's doing really good, sweetie. I was actually going to call you later to tell you the good news," I say, smiling into the camera.
Her wide eyes look up into mine, and they're filled with hope. "What? Is Dad awake? Let me see him!"
My smile faints a little, but I still manage to keep the smile on my face. "No, not yet." Meadow looks back down again. "But, the doctors are very optimistic now that he will wake up soon! The swelling in his brain has gone down a lot, and his lungs have cleared up and they are strong now."
Meadow smiles again. "That's great news. I'm sorry for the random call. I'm just bored and I miss home." She looks off the screen toward something. When she does, the camera moves and I instantly recognize the background.
"Mead, are you at Vince's?" I ask her. She nods. "Why? I thought you were staying with your mother?"
"I was, but I wanted to come to Vince's for a while. He lives closer to the ocean, and I feel closer to Dad here than I do at Mom's house. Besides, Mom's new husband tries too hard to get me to like him." Meadow rolls her eyes and laughs a little.
I can feel my eyes widen at her answer. "New husband? How come I haven't heard anything about this?" Paul has never told me anything about Rebecca marrying somebody. However, we rarely talk about her, so that's probably why.
She shrugs and picks at her nails. "I don't know, it's just never come up. Mom met him shortly after I left Hawaii to come live with you guys and he made her clean up. She had my other baby sister earlier this year."
"Wow," is all I can really say. This is surprising news. I knew Rebecca had cleaned up because she came to Meadow's birthday party the last two years, but I didn't know she had gotten married and had a baby. "Are you thinking about coming home?" My heart is hopeful for her answer, but it falls when I see her facial expression change.
"I'm not sure if I'm ready to come home," she says honestly.
"That's okay, sweetie. Oh, and just so you know, I have scheduled an appointment to get an abortion." As much as I hate to say it and hate to go through with it, it's what is best for my health and my family. Abandoning them over my own selfish choice is wrong, and I'm trying to make it right.
Meadow's smile is back on her face. It reminds me of her father's smile, one that I miss terribly. "You're making the right decision. I know it's hard because I'd love to have more siblings, but you have to be around to see them. I forbid you to leave me," she laughs softly with tears in her eyes.
Just seeing her cry is enough to start the waterworks for me as well. "Please don't cry, you're making me cry too!" We share a short laugh for a few seconds. Once the moment is over, I say my final words to her. "Okay, well, I'm going to go. Hopefully I will talk to you later. I love you, Meadow."
That smile lets me know that she agrees with me on talking later. "I love you too, Sierra."
--
Normally, at the end of the day, I leave the hospital feeling drained and exhausted. But today, I leave feeling a little happy. How could I not? Some good things happened today. Paul has made significant progress, and the doctors believe that he will wake up soon. Meadow and I talked over a Skype call, and she doesn't seem as upset with me anymore. Things seem as if they are finally starting to turn around, and I cannot be happier about it.
With Christmas around the corner, it's pretty obvious that my Christmas wish is for my husband to wake up to me. I made that wish a few days ago; now with this news, the possibility of that wish coming true is almost overwhelming, but in a good way. It would be so great to look into my husband's eyes and kiss his soft lips under the mistletoe. We've been able to do that for the past three years, and I don't want that to end this year.
I feel like reading another letter, so I go to our bedroom and pull the box out from the nightstand. The other letters I have opened remain in the nightstand, separate from the unopened ones. As I thumb through the letters, trying to find one to read, there is one that catches my eye. It's one that I hope I ever have to open. The letter says 'Open When...I'm Gone'. A cold chill runs up and down my spine, making me shiver. If I ever have to open that letter, my heart will break.
Instead of dwelling on it, I look through the other letters. There is one that fits so I open it.
Open When...
...You Had a Good Day
You know, it makes me happy to write this letter knowing that my baby girl has just had a good day. Regardless of whether you spent it with me or not, just knowing that you were smiling makes my heart sing. There is nothing more beautiful or heavenly than your smile and I would do anything in the world to make you smile. Actually, that's one reason I wrote you these letters. You're always saying stuff about my smile, but I feel like I'm in paradise when I see yours.
I can only hope that I shared this day with you, but if not, that's okay too. No matter what, I'll always want my sweetheart to be happy. There will be bad days in your life but hopefully whatever happened today will outshine the rest.
For this letter, I figured I would tell you about a good day and add on to the already good day that you're having. A good day would start off with waking up in bed with you in my arms. It doesn't matter whether you would be awake or asleep, although I do love seeing them green eyes looking right back at me. We'd have those little conversations we always do, talking about everything and nothing. I would tell you how beautiful you are, and hope to God that you know how much I love you. Each and everyday I try to tell you that, even if it's through letters like these.
Then, our children would come in and jump on the bed, yelling about breakfast. We would get to look at each of them and know that they are a part of us, something so pure and innocent that we created together. As they would run out of the room toward the kitchen, I would whisper those three simple words in your ear that I know drive you crazy.
Throughout the day, as we would spend time together as a family, I would marvel at how just the sunlight touches all the right places, making your beauty even more alluring than it already is. I'm not really sure how to explain it, but my favorite time to be with you is during a sunrise or sunset. That's what automatically makes a day so good for me. Whenever I'm not with you, I watch the sunrise and sunset and think of you. I think of how captivating and enchanting the sunrise or sunset is, but you make the difference. You are what makes everything so good and worthwhile.
Your love is something I will always live for. The good days reaffirm just exactly how much I love you. Whether it's a smile or those beautiful green eyes that remind me, I know that there is nothing or nobody that I will ever love more than you. And yes, baby, that means I love you more than cars. Here's to good days together for rest of our lives and forevermore.
Your madly in love husband,
Paul