A/N: PLEASE READ THIS LOL. So Paul's birthday is next weekend, and ROWW has partnered with a company called Represent to release some new merchandise in honor of Paul's birthday. 100% of the proceeds go to ROWW. If you want something, it's only available until September 15th, so hurry hurry hurry! It's available at represent.com/forpaul there's also a link on ROWW's store homepage.
Also, Paul's friend Jesse is doing his International Sunrise/Sunset & #OneMillionforROWW campaign again, so make sure you participate! It has a Facebook page too. If there are any questions, don't hesitate to comment or PM me!
--
December 13th, 2013 (9 weeks, 4 days)
"Meadow still won't talk to me," I sigh, locking my phone. I've pushed her away, even though we need each other now more than ever. Tomorrow marks two weeks that Paul has been in a coma. Although he made a significant improvement by coming off of the ventilator, that's about the only thing that has changed. Every day since Meadow left four days ago, I've been texting her updates. Despite what is going on between us, she deserves to know what's going on.
I can't think straight through this messed up head of mine. When I was driving to the hospital, I was absolutely convinced that I was going to forgo this pregnancy. Nothing should've changed between that time and the ultrasound, but it did. I'll admit I'm absolutely crazy for deciding to keep these babies, but I just can't bring myself to end the pregnancy. If Paul were awake, he would probably drag me to the hospital to have an abortion. It's not that he doesn't want them or love them, he just doesn't want to lose me. I don't want to lose him, but I have a strong feeling that I will when he wakes up.
When I look up at Callie and Andrew, they are both staring at me. They don't know the full story behind everything that's been going on, right down to my dangerous pregnancy. It's not like I don't want them to know, I just haven't thought about telling anybody about the whole situation because I've been so focused on my husband. Paul's family doesn't even know about the babies. They'll probably have the same reaction as Paul, the same goes for two of my favorite people sitting right in front of me.
Callie is the first one to speak up. "So, are you going to catch us up to speed?"
With a slight nod, I begin the story. I tell them how I found out about not being able to have kids and how devastated Paul and I were. Then, how shocked I was when I found out about the pregnancy at Luke's checkup for his shots. I tell them how I didn't tell Paul about the pregnancy and he found out on his own right before he had the accident. "He was so pissed off for keeping it from him. Then he said that we had to get rid of 'it'."
"Wait, why would you have to get rid of the baby?" Andrew questions, his eyes slightly narrowing. He's catching on to the fact that something is wrong.
"Because from where the bullet hit, it will cause me to bleed out when I go into labor or if I have a miscarriage." I look down at my hands on the table as both of them take a sharp breath in.
Callie stands up from her chair. "Are you serious? You didn't tell me that when you told me you were pregnant! Sierra, you can't go through with this!" Andrew nods his head in agreement.
I bite my tongue to keep the bitterness from trying to make its way out. "I can, and I will. Believe me, I had every intention to end this pregnancy, but you don't know what it's like to hear your child's heartbeat for the first time. To know that your carrying a pure soul inside of you that knows no evil, something that was created by you and the person you love so dearly. Now, imagine trying to take not only that away, but a second life as well."
Andrew beats his fist on the table. "Seriously? Just because you're having twins doesn't change anything! I'm sure the doctors and Meadow told you this, but you are going to die. God, Luke is almost three months! Neither he or Aubree will ever know you. Do you really want that?"
"Exactly! Think about it," Callie begins, sitting back down, "I understand that you want these kids, but the ones you have right now need you. Especially when it's not guaranteed that Paul will wake up."
"Don't say that," I snarl through my teeth. He will wake up. He will.
She rolls her eyes. "I'm just telling you how it is. You're being completely idiotic and I can see why Meadow won't stand by to watch. Do you know how badly pissed off Paul is going to be if he wakes up?"
"When," I correct her a second time. I'm very much still optimistic about Paul waking up, but nervous about how he's going to react to everything.
Andrew rubs his face with his left hand and grabs Callie's hand with his other. "Okay, we're not going to leave this house until we've convinced you to do the right thing." I open my mouth to interject, but he holds a finger up. "Please, let me finish. Sierra, you need to think about the kids you have now. They need you because their father is laying in a hospital bed fighting for his life. What if you were to miscarry and die within an hour? Your kids could possibly be orphans."
"Not to mention Paul would be devastated that he lost you while he was in the coma," Callie adds.
I know that they're right and I know that I should do the right thing to save everybody pain, but I will lose two children in the process. They are both looking at me for an answer, but I can't give them one. Today is already so tough, and I still have the meeting with Universal to go to. I nod softly, choosing my next words. "I need some time to think. This won't be our last discussion about this, but I have that meeting to go to soon." I look past them toward the clock on the wall, and I only have about an hour.
Both Callie and Andrew stand up as I do, but Callie is the one to speak. "We love you so much, and we want you to be here for a long time. Not only just us, but your kids, and more importantly, Paul does too. Do it for him. He's going to need you when he wakes up."
The smile that comes to my face from her choice of words is bright. Paul will wake up, we just all have to have faith in that. "I'm going to go say bye to the kids, and then I'll leave. The meeting shouldn't last too long, so I'll be home shortly after that." They nod and I turn to go to each of my kids' rooms.
Aubree is putting one of her dolls in her pink Barbie convertible that Paul had bought her. Just like her daddy, her smile lights up the entire room. I live for that smile. My heart wrenches at the thought of her growing up without me. I was thirty years old when my mother passed away, but my little girl is only two. She wouldn't have any memories of me if I died. How could I do that to her?
She catches sight of me in the doorway, her smile reaching her eyes. "Mommy, look!" Aubree pushes her Barbie convertible across the room and giggles. "Fast!" That right there is an indicator that she is indeed Paul's child. Her blue eyes find me again. "Is Daddy awake yet?"
Right when I thought I would be able to hold it together, a tear escapes and falls down my cheek. I quickly catch it, hoping that Aubree won't ask me why I'm crying. She doesn't, so I answer her. "No, princess. Daddy's not awake yet. I'm going to go see him in a couple of hours, but I will tell him that you love him, okay?"
"Okay," she replies, going back to playing with her dolls.
I walk out of her room, holding my hand over my mouth. Is there any other way around this? Is there any way where I get to keep the children I love inside of me and still be able to be around the ones I have now? My subconscious nags at me for the stupid thought. There's only one way I would be able to live, and that's an option I don't want to choose.
--
There isn't a time that I can ever recall being at the studio. It's weird because Paul is so heavily associated with Universal, but I've never been here. I can understand that, though. There's always paparazzi around the studio, and that hasn't changed when I step out of my car. Normally, I have a whole lot more space when the paps are around, but it seems like this time they are flooding around me. With every step I take, there's a flash. They keep asking a bunch of questions about Paul. I should answer, but I don't trust myself to say anything. The flashes are starting to get on my nerves and I know that I would say something bad if I were to open my mouth.
The flashes don't last for long once I step inside the studio. I'm greeted by the receptionist, the same one that I talked to over the phone. We exchange greetings, and she tells me that the director and producers will call me back into the office soon. In the meantime, I check my phone to see if Meadow has sent anything. I can't hide the disappointment on my face when I see nothing, and the receptionist calls me out on it.
"Is everything okay?" she asks uneasily.
"Yeah, I was just hoping to hear an update." Michelle texted me this morning to tell me that she and Jordana would stay at the hospital while I was in the meeting. I'm extremely grateful for them and all that the Fast family is doing. They are so supportive, but I can't help but wonder if they'd be supportive if they knew everything.
My phone vibrates from a text message. The hope in my chest swells, but deflates when I see that it's just a text from Cody.
A door next to the reception desk opens, and James's head sticks out. "Sierra? We're ready for you." I get up and follow James past the door, leading to a hallway with multiple offices. He starts telling me about what we are going to discuss, basically preparing me for it. The thought of Fast & Furious going on without Paul is really weird. Paul's the reason the franchise even started in the first place. Of course, Paul would want the franchise to carry on without him, just because he loves cars so much and he doesn't want the movies to stop on his account. I beg to differ given the fact that I know he will wake up, it's just a matter of when.
We walk into a well lit room close to the end of the hallway. The door says 'Fast & Furious table read room'. There is a huge round table with many chairs around it. Some of the people I do not recognize, but I do see Vin and it gives me a slight sense of comfort. He has a chair open next to him, so I sit in it. When I look up to see everyone else, I also see Paul's mom and dad across from me. They smile, and I do my best to return it. My stomach turns when I think about having to tell them about my pregnancy.
Before I can put any more thought into that, James calls for our attention. "I would like to welcome Paul's wife, Sierra, and Paul's parents, Paul Sr. and Cheryl, to our meeting here today. What we called you three to talk about is the future. With the utmost respect to Paul, we do have a deadline to finish. There's no way of knowing when he will wake up. We would like to move forward, and we have an idea of what that may be. All of us here at Universal thought it was best to discuss it with you three before anything was set in stone."
The three of us glance at each other. I'm totally nervous about what they are going to say, as I'm sure Cheryl and Paul Sr. are.
James sits down, and motions toward Vin. He's probably the one to tell us what's going on because we know him best. "Everybody here has talked about it, so we've prepared this plan. Like James said, we would like your blessing to move forward with it. Since there's no way to know for sure if Pablo will wake up to finish his scenes, we thought that his brothers could step in for him and finish it. Of course, if Paul were to wake up, we would reshoot them with Paul in it. This is just a way to make sure that Fast & Furious 7 is finished in time. Of course, we are not going to write his character out. Nothing in the movie changes, only the fact that in some spots it won't be him." Vin looks down at his hands. He seems really uneasy, and it's obvious as to why. Just like everybody else, they are concerned about Paul. They want to make sure they do this right and I respect them for that.
"Have you spoken about this to Cody and Caleb?" Cheryl asks, looking around for an answer.
"No, we haven't. We wanted to ask you three about it before we asked them," one of the other producers answers. "This is all a sensitive situation, and we want to respect Paul first and foremost."
My mind wanders off to Cody's text message. Does it have to do something with the movie? Then again, how could he know if they were asking us first? Before I can stop myself, I begin to think of the worst possible scenario. What if he's at the hospital and Paul has had a setback, or worse? I chew the inside of my cheek while I begin to grow more and more anxious about the text. James is still talking and I have to listen to him, but I can't seem to focus on his words.
The meeting goes on for another fifteen minutes. Everyone agrees upon asking Cody and Caleb to stand in until Paul wakes up. They kept using the word if, but I refuse to tone down my optimism. When I get outside of the room into the hallway, I'm stopped by Paul's parents.
"Hello, sweetheart. How have you been?" Cheryl's hug is warm and inviting, but it can't calm my stomach or the racing thoughts going through my head.
How am I supposed to answer that? Am I supposed to answer honestly or just give them an answer that they want to hear so it makes it less awkward? This family used to be so tightly knit together, but after the accident, it's like we're afraid to talk to each other. We're afraid that the other will break, along with ourselves. I know for sure that I'm almost at my breaking point.
Before I can answer her, my phone starts vibrating repeatedly, signaling that someone is calling. I look down at it to see who it is. "It's Cody," I say, frowning a little. I hold my finger up to them and answer the call. "Hey, Cody. Is something wrong?"
"Yeah, you need to get to the hospital immediately. Paul's had a setback."
--
Vin's car comes to an abrupt halt in front of the hospital doors. Thank God for Vin and his fast driving, because I wouldn't have been able to drive us here. I'm a nervous wreck. I don't think that Paul's parents enjoyed his fast driving, especially Cheryl, but checking to see if they're okay is the last thing on my mind.
Cody wasn't specific about what was going on with Paul. He basically said that we just needed to get here. The thought of him leaving this Earth had crossed my mind, but I had pushed it aside. There's no time to think about it when he's alive and he needs me.
I run past the automatic doors, straight toward the ICU. It reminds me of running towards the burning car. I don't know what to expect, so that makes this whole situation ten times worse. Some of the nurses tell me that I need to stop running, but I don't. I don't stop until I'm standing inside of Paul's room. Cody is sitting at his bedside, his eyes closed and his hands in a praying motion. Felicia is standing behind him, her hands on Cody's shoulders. Elizabeth is sitting in a chair in the corner, playing with some dolls. She looks up and smiles at me before going back to her dolls. My mind absently wonders where Jordana and Michelle are, but that's not the most pressing issue at hand right now.
Cautiously, I approach Paul's bedside. Nothing appears to be different about him, except an extra IV and he's now receiving oxygen through a nasal tube that wraps around his ears. He still looks like the same, handsome person that I fell in love with. "What's wrong?" My eyes begin to fill with tears. Paul has only been able to move forward. This is his only setback, and it sure is heartbreaking.
Cody takes a shaky breath and looks at me. "The doctors can only do so much when it comes to moving him around. They do range of motion and sit him on the side of the bed, but sometimes it's not enough. He's contracted pneumonia. Did the doctors tell you what might happen if he got pneumonia?"
"Yeah, they did." I swallow the lump in my throat. The doctor said that it could be fatal from where his lung is still trying to heal. I can imagine that the pneumonia is making it harder for him to breathe, so that's probably why he's on oxygen again. "Why don't they just put him back on the ventilator?"
"If they were to do that, it would make the pneumonia worse. That's why they didn't want him to be on the ventilator for too long, because it helps people get it. But he still got it anyways. He also has uncomplicated pleural effusion." He takes a deep breath and looks at Paul.
Felicia shakes her head and kisses the top of Cody's head. "Cody..."
He looks up at her, silent communication passing between them for mere seconds before he turns back to me. "Oh, yeah. Sorry. I'm used to talking in medical terms. Uncomplicated pleural effusion means that he has fluid in his lungs, but it's not infected right now. It was brought on by the pneumonia."
"Right now?" I ask.
"There's a possibility it could get infected. If that happens, they'll have to insert a chest tube to drain it." Cody grabs one of Felicia's hands.
My head feels like it's swimming. A chest tube? It would be just another thing between us and him getting better. I send up a big prayer to the Lord above that my husband will be okay. "Well, are they doing something to prevent that? He can't get worse! I need him here for the kids when..." I trail off, stopping myself short of saying something that I shouldn't say.
"When what?" Cheryl asks behind me.
I turn around to see Cheryl, Paul Sr, and Vin standing in the doorway.
Shit.
Everyone in the room is staring at me, expecting an explanation. What am I supposed to say? Am I just supposed to bluntly tell them that he needs to be here for the kids when I could possibly die? They're going to tell me the same things that Paul told me, which was to get rid of them. I hate that, though. 'Get rid of them' sounds so cruel, and that's definitely not what a mother should do. I'd give my life for these kids just so they will have a chance at life. To deny them of that would make me a terrible person.
As I explain what all is going on for the second time today, I watch as each one of their faces fall when I tell them about me bleeding out. It's not something I like to talk about. I've made my decision and I'm sticking to it, regardless of what they're going to say. I take a deep breath in, bracing myself for the possible harsh words, but they never come.
However, I do get more looks of disapproval than anything. Cheryl has her hand over her heart, and Paul Sr leads her to a chair so she can sit down. Vin has his arms crossed and he's looking down, avoiding my eyes. Cody is shaking his head at me, and Felicia's mouth is dropped. It's not as bad as when Paul lashed out at me. Honestly, there's nothing that hurts worse than when Paul is upset, because his mouth doesn't really have a filter.
"So, that's that, I guess," I say, taking a seat on Paul's bed. I need him.
I can feel Cody's stare on me. When I turn to look at him, those same blue eyes that Paul has are looking at me. I can see the confusion and anger in them, and his bitter words soon follow. "You know, I agree with my brother. This is so messed up, but you're even more messed up for wanting to continue this pregnancy!"
"Son, please calm down. We don't need to fight around Paul, it's not good for him," Paul Sr says softly. He always seems to be the voice of reason in the family, so maybe he can back me up on this.
Vin takes a step toward the bed, his arms still crossed. "Sierra, I agree with Cody and Paul. This is not a good idea, especially with Paul being in such a delicate situation. He needs you, more than you think he does. It's not okay to allow him to wake up to a world of being a single parent."
Cheryl finally musters up enough strength and puts her input in. "Sweetie, I want you to know something. You mean everything to my boy, and I mean that. When you two parted ways, the light left his eyes. I can't even begin to imagine what would happen to him if you were to actually leave this world."
All of their comments make me feel as if I'm being pushed into a corner with no way out. No one is taking my side, not that I would really expect them to. Despite what the doctors say, I know that I can do this. Normally, I would know if something was wrong inside of me, but everything feels right. Besides, maybe the doctors can do a C-section and save my life. I have faith in it.
However, the back of my mind is nagging at me, saying that I won't get to see that day.
--
After an extremely long and exhausting day, I'm finally able to climb into bed and be able to rest. Well, at least rest as best as I can. The last time I got a well rested sleep was before the accident. Even when Paul does wake up, I probably won't get much sleep then. We will be at each other's throats about the babies and Meadow going to Hawaii.
Despite the likelihood of being in a fight, I'd give anything just to have him awake and be here. I miss the way his lips felt against mine, the way he'd look at me with those ocean blues, and how the words 'I love you' sounded coming from him. The little things is what makes our relationship so great. Like when Paul would push a strand of hair behind my ear, or the way he'd look at me when he thought I didn't notice. I crave his touch and his love, and it's so painful to think that it won't happen again. Even if I were to end this pregnancy, there's no guarantee that he will wake up.
He has to, though. I know he will. There's no way that God put his beautiful soul on this Earth just to have his life end here. He's made such a big difference in the world, and in my world too. Paul has given me a chance to be a mother, and a chance to know what it's like to love and to be loved.
As I sit here in the dark with all of the silence around me, I'm finally allowed to cry the tears I've been holding in today. It seems like the walls are closing in, and I'm desperately reaching to get out. The one person I love more than myself isn't here to pull me out of the void that is all consuming. Darkness consumes every inch of this room, not even the brightest of memories can penetrate it.
I sit up in bed with my knees tightly against my chest. It's my way of trying to hold myself together, to keep the pieces from shattering into oblivion. My husband's energy is still ever so present, but it's nothing like having him here. There's nothing like him holding me, shielding me whenever I need it. That side of his bed is empty, though. Even if I were to go to the hospital and lay in bed with him, it wouldn't be the same. Nothing may ever be the same.
The moonlight is streaming in through the windows, offering a little bit of light to counter the darkness inside of me. My eyes glance toward the box on my dresser. Of course! The letters! How could I forget? My feet move before my mind even tells them to.
Open When...
...You Need Me
When I first thought of writing this letter, I knew that I would have to take the time to think about what I would say. So, I will start off by asking: what is your favorite memory of us? Think about it and hold it in your heart, because that's where it will stay. No matter what happens between us or what happens around us, there will always be the good memories that we've had together.
I think I can speak for the both of us when I say that we've had a lot of good memories. We've cried together, laughed together, fought together, but most importantly, we've loved together. With the good memories, there are also the bad ones. Of course, they will always be there in the bad of our minds. It's something we can't erase. Even if I could, I wouldn't. I wouldn't change our story or our love because it's my favorite. You may be rolling your eyes right now and calling me cheesy, but that's okay.
There simply isn't enough time or words or letters for me to tell you how important you are. I'll always need you in my life. You're always in my heart and always in my mind. A lot of times when I'm on set in between takes, I try to think of the ways to sweep you off your feet. There's nothing that makes my heart pound more than seeing the love you have for me in your eyes. I live for that, and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that you're my angel and my forever. Everything about you is so beautiful, but I feel like a lot of the time you don't even know it. Just the smallest things you do make me go crazy. I'm so unbelievably in love with you, and that feeling is never going to stop.
My favorite memory of us is probably something you don't remember, because it might not be something that would particularly stand out in your mind. Like I said, it's the small things. Of course, every day that I spend with you is my favorite, but there's just something about this certain day that I love the most.
In the envelope, you will find a flashdrive. Please hook it up into the laptop to see my favorite memory of us.
All my love,
Paul
I stare at the letter for a few seconds before grabbing the envelope and running across the house trying to find the laptop. When I do find it in the kitchen, I anxiously take the flash drive out of the envelope and plug it into the USB port. The laptop seems to take way to long to power up, almost like it's taunting me.
Finally, after a few curse words at it, the laptop powers up. A window pops up, saying that an external hard drive has been detected. I click on it, and it brings up what is on the flash drive. Instead of seeing tons of pictures or videos, there is one single video, simply called 'Favorite'.
My heart leaps and bounds at the fact that the file is a video. Obviously there are tons of videos of my husband all over the internet, but there's nothing better than a personal video. After a few deep breaths, I click on the video, and watch intently as the video comes up on the screen.
The first thing that is shown is a door. After a couple of seconds, Paul comes on the screen smiling. Obviously he is the one who is filming, which makes me smile more than his already goofy smile.
He looks toward the door then back to the camera. "Okay, so, it's 7am and I'm about to wake my baby girl up before I go to work. I want to be the first one to wish her happy birthday!" Paul opens the door quietly, revealing the master bedroom from the beach house. It clues me in that this was my birthday that we spent at the beach house back in 2010. It makes me wonder why this is Paul's favorite memory of us.
Paul continues to be quiet as he walks around the bed and points the camera at me sleeping. "Just look at her. She's so beautiful and she's not even trying. I'm a lucky man." He comes back into the frame. "I'm proposing to the woman of my dreams today at her birthday party. Fingers crossed she says yes!" He pauses to laugh and shakes his head. "If you ever see this, Sierra, I want you to know that I love you. It doesn't matter what day it is or what time, because my love for you is never going away."
"Well, that's mighty cheesy," I say behind him.
His face turns the cutest shade of red as he looks toward me in the bed. "How much of that did you hear?"
I smile at him and the camera. "Enough to know that you love me. Come here," I whisper, patting the bed.
Paul lays down next to me and puts his arm around me. The camera is still pointed at our faces. "Happy birthday, baby. I love you." He kisses my forehead and I close my eyes.
"So, why exactly are you filming this?" I ask, looking up at the camera. The memory of this day is coming back to me.
My husband looks at me while I'm still looking at the camera. That look is enough to make my heart melt, even though this video is almost four years old. His blue eyes are so bright and loving, and I love that he's not taking them off of me. Instead of him answering, I look up at him and he gets the little smile on his face that I love him for.
"What?" The smile on my face mirrors his. He rolls on top of me, kissing me on the lips multiple times before moving to my neck. I giggle and look at the camera that was still pointed at us. "Are you seriously going to film this?"
"Maybe," he says into my neck.
"No! No way!" I protest, reaching for the camera.
Paul keeps it out of my reach, laughing at my failed attempts to grab the camera. After a minute or two of struggling, he finally puts it back within reach. "Okay, I'll turn it off. Say bye to the camera." We both wave goodbye. Before Paul turns the camera off, however, he kisses me one last time. The video stops and turns to black.
I'm left sitting there at the breakfast bar in tears. We were so in love in that video. I can see now why that's Paul's favorite memory of us. I wonder if that's what he was thinking of before he crashed. At least, that's what I hope he was thinking of.
My phone rings from my bedroom, and I abandon the laptop to go answer it. The caller ID shows the familiar number of the hospital's ICU station. "Hello?"
"Yes, Mrs. Walker. I'm afraid there has been a change in your husband's condition."