I had spent the last two weeks trying to get Jake to reply to me. He answered the phone once, only to tell me that he didn't want to hear from me again. He said that he hated me and he would never be able to forgive me for lying to him.
Then he hung up and left me with nothing.
I had nothing worth fighting for anymore and I had nothing to want to go back to Manchester for either.
Especially since Jake had wasted no time in telling people the truth. I'd already had several people text me and ask me if it's true, or if Jake was just lying about it for attention, I couldn't be bothered to reply to them and I really wasn't in the mood for people to be arguing with me either.
I didn't need people telling me that I'd made the wrong choice and reminding me that Jake had the right to know about the baby being his.
Max had already given me that lecture. I didn't need to be getting it from other people; or from the people that had no interest in my life until this point.
I decided that I would have a look at Twitter, just to be nosey and see what was going on. But I soon wished that I hadn't done that and I had just remained feeling sorry for myself. The first tweet that I read ruined any hope that I had left and made me wonder why I even thought, even for a second, that there was a chance anyone was going to listen to me or what I had to say to them.
@YouBitch_Jake: You were supposed to be my bestfriend, now I just wish nothing had ever happened between us. You're a bitch.
Guess that was him mkaing it clear that he meant what he said to me and he really did want nothing more to do with me.
I had really hurt him and upset him more than anything. I didn't even mean to do that and I never thought he was even going to find out the truth.
I always assumed he would never need to know, mostly because I knew this would happen if he ever did find out. All my worst fears had been confirmed and I had lost the best thing to happen to me.
With the exception of Tom, Siva, Jay and Nathan, I was basically all on my own now and had no one.
All because I made a stupid mistake and arrogantly thought that the truth would never get out. I was an idiot to even think I could trust my brother.
I should have known something like this was going to happen, especially after the way Max kept going on about Jake having the right to know about his baby and the way that he wasn't impressed when I said that I wasn't going to tell the truth. It should have clicked with me at that point that this was always going to happen.
This was always going to be the inevitable outcome of my lies and my deceit.
I decided that I was going to reply to Jake. Even if he didn't want to talk to me, at least everyone would know what I have to say; they wouldn't have to make up their own rumours about everything that was happening between me and Jake.
They would be able to read it for themselves.
@NikkiLove_xo: @YouBitch_Jake Subtle. If you answered me, then you'd get the truth. Would only take 5 minutes...
I contined to stare at my phone, watching all the tweets roll in from people that wanted to know more. It did make me laugh that so few people really did care about me. But it made me laugh even more knowing that there were so many people who would do anything for a cheap laugh in their sad, pathetic lives.
I was only distracted from everything buzzing through my mind by a quiet knock at the door. I wasn't really in the mood to talk to anyone right now.
But, then again, I hadn't really been in the mood to talk to anyone for the past two weeks now.
I hadn't even been eating properly. In the last three days, I think all I've eaten is an apple, a packet of crisps and a sandwich; even I know that's not enough for a pregnant person to be eating. But with everything going on, I just forget to eat because there's always something else on my mind.
"Nik, can I come in?" I heard Siva's accent ask. He sounded worried and kind, like he wanted to make sure I was alright and I wasn't doing anything stupid to myself.
"Sure. It's open." I replied, sitting up from my pillow.
"You alright then?"
"Well, my bestfriend hates me more than anything. My brother hasn't had the guts to talk to me since everything happened. And I just hate everything right now. But, apart from that, I'm just fabulous." I said more sarcastically that intended. I didn't need to treat Siva like this, he was only trying to make sure I was alright and doing his best to help me.
"Sorry, bit of a stupid question really. You know, we're all really worried about you, especially Nathan?"
"Well, he doesn't need to be worried about me, and neither do you. I'm totally fine." I lied.
"We know you're not. Nathan says you spend all your time crying and you're not eating properly either; he says the last time that he saw you leave this room was three days ago. Is that true?" Siva asked, giving me a serious look in an attempt to get me to tell him everything.
"That might be true, but-"
"No Nikki, you need to start eating before you do some serious damage to yourself. I know you're hurting more than anything right now, but you don't want to put your baby in danger, do you?" he half smiled at me, trying to make me understand what he was saying.
I knew that he was right though.
Not eating was only putting my baby in danger and that wasn't fair. None of this was the baby's fault and I was punishing it for something it doesn't even know about yet.
This is a good example of why I shouldn't be allowed to keep the baby and why it was going to be better off with someone other than me in its life.
"No. That's not what I want at all..." I sighed as Siva took a seat on the edge of the bed, gesturing for me to move over next to him. I just did as he was saying and he pulled my into a hug; the ones which made you forget about everything and you imagined your life was perfect.
Just for a second, there was nothing wrong and you were happy with your life.
I liked those moments. Then reality took over me again.
"I'm not going to pretend to know what you're going through right now, because I really have no idea; but don't do this to yourself. By doing this, you're letting them all win and you don't want that. We all want the old Nikki back, especially Nathan. He cares about you a lot more than you even realise sometimes..."
"Yeah, that's because he loves me." I chuckled slightly.
"Yes, I love you, but that's not the reason that I care about you. I don't want to see you doing this to yourself, I told you the day you came here that I was always going to be here for you and I meant that. I miss the old you. The one that was always up for a laugh, taking the mick out of me and just making me smile by having a conversation. Now you spend all your time in here crying, and it's like I don't know who you even are anymore!" Nathan said, giving me the fright of my life because I thought he was downstairs and Siva was dealing with this one on his own. But what Nathan said really hurt, because I had decided to go through this on my own rather than telling him and asking for his help.
I can't even imagine how he was feeling right now. And it was all because I didn't want to tell him the truth; I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to care about anyone else and what they were feeling.
I could be such a selfish cow sometimes and I could be really inconsiderate with people's feelings.
Yet another reason why I shouldn't be allowed to keep this baby. It would just end up hurt and it would grow up hating me more than if I gave it for adoption.
"I'm sorry Nath. I never meant for any of this to happen. I just want things back to the way that they were before." I replied, trying to hold back the tears which were buidling in the corners of my eyes.
"I know you do, but you need to let us help you. Tell us what's going on and then we might be able to help you." Nathan stated.
"I should just have told Jake the truth, then none of this would have ever happened. My friends would never have turned against me, my bestfriend would still want something to do with me and my brother would never have been put in this position. I'm such a selfish person, I don't see why anyone would ever like me..." I sighed, thinking about all the ways that this scenerio could have been avoided.
"Look, we still love you and want to help you. How about you let me take you out for dinner?"
"But Nat-"
"It won't be as anything other than friends, I promise. I just want to make sure you eat a proper meal, how about it?" Nathan smiled at me for the first time since he had been in the room.
"You need to eat something. Going out for dinner with Nathan can't be any worse than everything that's already happened." Siva pointed out which made me laugh slightly.
"I guess you're right, but one thing?"
"And what would that be?" Siva replied just as Nathan opened his mouth to speak.
I couldn't help but laugh at the pair of them. Probably the first time I've laughed in the past two weeks I've spent locked up in this bedroom. It was a good feeling.
It was nice to be laughing and smiling, rather than crying and hating everyone that I knew.
"I am old enough to answer for myself!" Nathan pointed out sarcastically. I swear his first language was sarcasm, it's all he knew most of the time and I don't think he knew how to give a serious answer some of the time.
"You're an idiot Sykes." I giggled, looking up to see Nathan with a cheeky grin on his face.
"Shut it George..."
"Or what?" I replied.
"There will be a lot of trouble."
"What are you going to do? Lock me in the house and ban me from leaving?" I replied sarcastically, trying to keep a straight face. But it was no use. I couldn't help but laugh at how god damn hilarious I was.
Even Siva thought I was funny because he was unable to stop himself from laughing as well.
"That's exactly what I'll do, then you'll be stuck here with me and no one else." Nathan chuckled.
"I'd escape out the window. Down the drainpipe and away I go. You wouldn't even notice I was gone." I laughed again.
"Anyway, can you two stop the flirting and get back to what you were talking about before?" Siva laughed, making the moment slightly awkward. I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks and I already knew that they had changed to a deep shade of red.
I'm not sure if that was because of the embarrassment or if Siva was right and I was actually flirting with Nathan.
If that's what I was doing, then I wasn't on purpose. It was just something that happened and I couldn't really do anything to control that. I just went with everything that other people said.
Poor old Nathan couldn't even look at me. He was looking around the room and avoiding any eye contact with me. He was probably just trying to make the situation less awkward or he was attempting to get away from the tension which had now appeared in the room.
"Yes, erm, well, I was just going to say that, if we do, erm, go out for dinner, then there is one rule!" I said suddenly, finding it difficult to actually get my words out of my mouth and into a sentence that actually made sense and wasn't going to make the whole thing sound like a load of words just jumbled together.
"And what would that rule be then?" Nathan smiled shyly, still avoiding making any eye contact with me.
"There's to be no mention of the baby and what's happening with it. Max isn't to be a topic of conversation. And there is definitely no mentioning of bestfriends."
"That's three rules though." Siva pointed out with a slight chuckle.
"It's three things which all fall under the same rule. That alright with you?" I laughed.
"That's fine with me. Now, I'm going to wait downstairs for the others to make an appearance while you two make arrangements. Don't get up to anything once I leave..." Siva said, just adding even more awkwardness to the situation. He really was one clever bunny sometimes. It amazes me that people allow him to be involved in things like this sometimes, he should just be told to leave and not even be involved.
That would stop things like this from happening and life would be even easier.
"So, I'm guessing that's a yes to dinner then?" Nathan smiled.
"You would be correct. What time are you back this afternoon?" I replied.
"Erm, not really sure. Depends how long they talk about crap for today. Is half six good with you?"
"That's great with me." I replied, a smile appearing on my face. I might have been hard work and unable to deal with certain things some of the time, but I still had people here for me at the end of it all. They were still trying to make sure I was alright and I hadn't done anything to myself; there were still people that cared about me and took the time to put me before themselves.
It was kind of cute that they did that for me.
"Great." Nathan replied as he began walking out of the bedroom, wearing a small smile on his face.
"And Nathan, I really am sorry for everything I've put you through recently." I smiled and, with that thought in his head, he disappeared from the door. He had a smile on his face and I had feeling he was going to be in a good mood for the rest of the day now; it was amazing that I really could change his mood with one conversation.
He wasn't lying when he said that earlier.
Before I left the room, I decided that I was going to have one quick look at Twitter again; just to see if anything new had happened. It was amazing how many new stories had appeared on my timeline in the time I had sent my tweet to Jake and the time that I started looking at me feed now. I realised that both Nathan and Siva had tweeted, I also noticed that Jake had replied to me and that Jamie, someone who played football with Jake, had also sent me a tweet.
I was popular today.
@YouBitch_Jake: @NikkiLove_xo You are a bitch though. I have the truth. You lied to me. Simple.
@NikkiLove_xo: @YouBitch_Jake Whatever Jake. Yes I lied, but you need to understand why. Just answer the bloody phone!
I wasn't going to bother with him for the rest of the day now. I was just going to leave him to it because he was doing other than bringing me down and I couldn't be doing with it right now.
I needed to try and be happy. I had to cheer up before tonight.
Nathan was doing something nice for me, and I couldn't spend the night being miserable. I was going to be happy and I was going to enjoy myself this evening.
@JamieW: @NikkiLove_xo No one should lie about a baby in the way that you did. That's just cruel. Grow up Nikki.
@NikkiLove_xo: @JamieW Stay out of this Jamie. It's nothing to do with you.
I didn't even know why he was getting involved, or why he was sending me messages. I had never really spoken to him before. I only spoke to him when I was with Jake because they were always talking to each other; organising something to do with football.
Other than that, I had never seen him or spoken to him about anything to do with me.
He was only getting involved because he was Jake's friend and he had only heard his side of the story.
Not that there was much to hear from him because he didn't know everything.
But there we go.
He can say and do what he wants to do. I'm not even bothered by it anymore because I know the truth and, if he isn't willing to listen to me, then that's his problem and has nothing to do with me. Not my fault he's an immature twat who won't pick up the phone and talk to me.
Not even for five minutes.
@SivaTheWanted: Some people are meant to be. Even if they don't realise it.
@NathanTheWanted: Literally so happy right now. Thank you so much.
I couldn't help but smile as I read both of them. I mean, I knew what they were both about, but not many other people would do.
Siva was on about me and Nathan being together, but me not wanting to be with him. But, there was one big reason that I didn't want to be with Nathan and that was because I was afraid to fall in love again. I didn't want to give someone my heart, just for them to break it again. And there is always the chance that Max would end it somehow. I decided that never falling in love again was the easiest option.
And Nathan was just happy that I had given him this chance. He was happy that he was taking me out for dinner. EVen though it wasn't for a date; he as still happy to be going out with me.
By himself and with no one else there to ruin the moment.
I guess I would just have to wait and see what happens tonight. I'm not going to say I'll declare my love for him, because that wasn't going to happen, but it would be nice to get to know him a bit better.
That's a good place to start and who knows, I might actually be happy and forget about everything that has happened. Now that would be nice.
@NikkiLove_xo: @NathanTheWanted and @SivaTheWanted are amazing friends. Looking forward to tonight x
**
Hey people,
I need your help because I'm struggling with something at the moment. I need your ideas on how I could bring Zayn back into the story because the idea which I have is totally crap. So, if any of you have an ideas, then I would really appreciate it and if I use your idea, then I'll dedicate the chapter to you.
You have no idea how much you would be helping me out. Thank you guys. I love you so much.
Em:)xx