I stumbled through the apartment door giggling clinging to Violet's sweaty hand.
"Vi why are your hands so clammy?"
"It's so dam hot in your apartment thats why!"
We both started to laugh and as I switched the lights on we galloped towards my bedroom and jumped on it. There was a moment of serenity where I could hear the buzzing in my head from the alcohol and my breathing began to settle. I lazily rolled over to face Violet face on who had her eyes closed.
"Vi how drunk are you?"
"Really not that drunk anymore, I sobered up on the way back I'm just super super jet lagged."
"Right, I'll get us some water then we can go to bed. We are meeting Amelia for brunch tomorrow so we have to be on good form."
I heard a mumble from the other room. I stole a glance at the cookers time 5:18am fuckkkk.
I grabbed the glasses from the cupboard and filled them up with chilled water from the tap. I wondered back into my room to see Violet tucked up under the covers so I placed the glass next to her and kissed her head. I wondered over to the window and looked out. It was still dark and the windows hazed up with my gentle breathe against it. My head immediately switched back to James and I could feel my anger burning inside me and I swallowed hard. I went back to the living room as I couldn't sleep. I fished for my phone in my hand bag and plugged it in to a charger. It died about 2 hours into the after party. Suddenly the phone started pinging so I quickly silenced it. I hesitated to unlock it. 42 missed calls from James and 32 texts. Shit! I opened the chat from James and saw his last message.
'CECILY I'VE BEEN AT YOUR APARTMENT FOR 2 HOURS WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU. I can't do anything more. I'm sorry..'
I scrolled up to the top of the chat and saw these long essays of apologies and how much he appreciated me and how sorry he was and they got shorter and blunter and then eventually they stopped. At 3:47am he stopped. He gave up. I felt my stomach churning and tears built up in my eyes. I dropped my phone and wiped the few tears that escaped my eyes and stumbled into bed. I cozied up to Violet and drifted into a deep sleep.
I glanced at the clock and it was 7:15am. I couldn't sleep any more. I turned my head to see Violet fast asleep with her mouth open and make up wiped down her face and on the pillow. I wondered into the bathroom and washed my face and brushed my hair. I grabbed some sweats and some headphones and headed for the door. I plugged in the headphones as I opened the front door and the bitter chill of the winter breeze hit me like a truck. 'Our own house' came on and I began to jog down the pavement in the dark winter morning. I headed towards the city center and didn't stop. My mind was racing with so much and I couldn't do anything but run faster and faster. I ran all the way to the art studio and checked the time on my phone it was 9:17am. Woah how did I run all the way here? I unlocked the door and walked in. The room had a bitter chill and there was the stale scent of the food from last night. It was so quiet and still that my mind settled. I wondered around the room looking at each sculpture and studying them before they were to be sent off to the various bidders. There was a faint tap on the glass door and I turned round to see James biting his lip with a furrowed brow. He looked like he had been crying, his hurts were tired looking, he looked so vulnerable. I stared at him and began to bite the inside of my cheek as I felt myself welling up again. All I do is cry when I'm with him. He can make me so happy but he can make me so sad.. How has he got this hold over me? I shuffled over to the door and unlocked it before swiftly turning my back and walking away.
"Hey."
His voice was low and husky. I turned to look at him and a single tear fell down my cheek. I wiped it of quickly before anymore joined it.
"Cecily, I really really don't know what to say or do anymore. I can't imagine how bad I made you feel last night for missing your show..."
"I don't really know what you expect me to say to you James. You knew how important this was to me and all you had to do was be there and support me. You've never even seen my work properly and this was the one time I got to showcase it to people and the only person I really wanted to be there was you. And you weren't."
He put his hands over his face and began to rub his eyes with his fingertips.
I shook my head and laughed sarcastically,
"And even your mom came! But my own boyfriend couldn't make it because you were off with Seth for god sake. You could have gone out with him afterwards James. Ah this seems so silly but it meant so much to me."
"Your not being stupid Cecily it was me being selfish and thinking about myself."
As he said it his eyes reddened and glazed over with water before he looked down and hid his face from me.
"Why are you hiding your face James! Just show me how you actually feel. You know what I can't anymore. You make me feel like I am the only girl in the universe and you make me feel so happy and I forget everything that is wrong in my life but you also make me feel so weak because I'm so dependant on you and I need you with me because thats when I feel safe."
He put his hands together in a prayer motion and began to bite the tip of his right thumb, his eyes still red and small tears fell gently down his darkened skin.
"I also just.. You are some super star and I'm just an artist with a damaged background and I don't know why you're wasting your time on me. Whenever it is just us I forget who you really are but then its times like this I am reminded of your lifestyle and I really don't think I fit in to it. As much as I want to I just.."
"Cecily please please don't do this."
I felt the plea in his voice and his eyes shut further as more tears ran down both our faces. He stepped towards me and our faces were close. I swallowed hard and licked my lips. I wiped the tears from his cheek and his head lulled into my hand and his touch and smell was so familiar I didn't want to let him go.
"I don't think we should do this anymore."
"No Cecily please I need you in my life so much I can't let you go. I'm sorry I missed your art show but I can make it up.."
"It's not that simple James, you missed it yeh and it hurt but its the principle. You chose Seth over something that was massive to me, maybe not to you but to me this was huge. I don't fit in with this whole lifestyle and I just worry because I don't think I'll be enough for you."
"You are all I need Cecily and I should have thought how important this was to you, I just wasn't thinking, I was distracted! I'm sorry just please please don't end this."
I stared at him and he was desperate.
I wrapped my arms around his waist and put my head on his chest. His grip tightened around my lower back and his breathe quickened into my head and his throat began to choke. I felt the top of my head become moist from his tears. I couldn't help but stroke his back and soothe him. He hadn't really done something that bad but it felt 100 times worse because my feelings were so strong with him.
"I need you so much Cecily you really don't understand. We've been dating for a couple weeks and this has been the best time in my whole life. I have never ever felt like this before. I feel dependant on you and I am at my most happiest when I'm with you and when I make you sad I make my self sad and I just.. I'm so so sorry."
I looked up at him and kissed his cheek before looking down at the floor.
"I understand James. I just don't think you fully understand how big this was for my career. I really don't think you understand.. unfortunately."
"No I do..."
"No you don't otherwise you would have been there, supporting me not running off drinking with your friends! See this is what I mean you have a completely different outlook on the world to me. We are so similar yet so so different."
"Cecily. Look at me."
I gazed up at him and saw the familiar smile creek across his mouth. His eyes softened and the crinkles grew in the corner of his eyes.
"It's you."
"Whats me?"
"You are my outlook on life. To me you are perfection and to me making you happy is all I want to do. I know what I did was wrong and I don't know how I can make it up to you but I will! I want to start by taking you to the lake house tonight. Please?"
"Violet is here I don't want to leave her alone. I haven't seen her in a while and I think it would be best if I.."
"I already planned this with Amelia a couple days ago and she told me Violet was coming to surprise you and Violet thought it would be a good idea to come to the Lake house to. I just forgot she was coming last night, which was my fault entirely."
"What?"
I stepped back from him and the familiar feeling of uncertainty washed over me again.
"Whats wrong?"
"See this.. this is whats wrong. You plan with my friends and my family to do this and you promise you'll come and then you let me down and try and make it up with a trip. You are so confusing James you have no idea."
He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head.
"You really will never know how sorry I am will you?"