{Perrie's POV}
Here's my analogy that my relationships with other people are like the make up of the Earth. Each layer providing a different purpose to me, but all of them keeping me going in some way.
The crust is everyone else in the world who has supported me, those people who kept Little Mix going, gave me something to strive for. They never gave up, true fans. At the end of the day, if the inside of everything is messy, they make the outside look neat, look believable. The mantle are people like the lads, the girls, my brother, all those close people who support us through everything. They burn bright.
The outer core is what I would consider Ellie, Lillie and Rosie. So close to my heart that one slip and they would ruin me. If anything were to happen to them, I would be wrecked. And then my core is Zayn. Well, it was Zayn. The centre. Now, something so close is so far away. And nothing seems right, but at the same time, it all feels correct.
"Mummy," Ellie's voice breaks my trance. I look up from the table to where Ellie is standing in the opening, Duckie under her arm and the red knitted blanket tightly in her fist. "I cannot sleep," Ellie tells me, waddling over and standing next to my chair.
I push my chair back a little and pull her onto my lap, my left arm securely around her waist as she rests on my knee. I place a gentle kiss on the back of her head and then pick up my pen again in my free hand, continuing to fill out the forms for various things.
It's only eight o'clock and I put Ellie to bed about half an hour ago. I know it's Saturday, but after Ellie's birthday yesterday, and going to see Arlen today, Ellie and the twins were pretty worn out. Also, the others invited themselves over to watch the football, have dinner, drinks, and a child free evening.
"I miss Daddy," Ellie mumbles and that well known moment of guilt passes through my body.
"He's only been gone one day, and he'll be back soon," I reply, rubbing Ellie's tummy as a form of comfort. Ellie nods her head and then relaxes back into my chest, her head resting in the crook of my neck.
"Sing?" Ellie whispers.
"This is the start, of something beautiful. This is the start, of something new. You are the one, who'd make me lose it all. You are the start, of something new," I sing gently to Ellie.
I turn Ellie around in my lap and get up, walking into the lounge area with her on my hip, her face buried into my chest, slightly bouncing my step to soothe her.
"And I'll throw it all away, and watch you fall, into my arms again. And I'll throw it all away, watch you fall, now," the lyrics seem to catch onto what's going on at the moment.
"Settle down with me, cover me up, cuddle me in. Lie down with me, and hold me, in your arms," I change the song, my voice coming out slow and quietly as I hear Ellie's breathing getting deeper.
"And your hearts against my chest, lips pressed to my neck. I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet. And with a feeling I forget, I'm in love now," I stop walking and just stand looking out the window into the dark backyard, my eyes finding the black sky, coated in stars.
"In this time, I've lost all sense of pride, I've called a thousand times. If I hear your voice I'll be fine," I change the song again, rocking Ellie gently.
"And I, I can't come alive. I want the room to take me under, 'cause I can't help but wonder, what if I, had one more night for goodbye, if you're not here to turn the lights off I can't sleep, these four walls and me," the words tumble out of my mouth.
I hear a clink noise behind me and turn around to see Louis, Jesy, Jade, Jake, Liam, Danielle, Harry, Leigh, and Jordan Kiffin standing there.
"Sorry!" Jade whisper yells.
I look down at Ellie who is sound asleep now. "No, it's okay. I'm certain you'll make yourselves at home. I'm just taking her back to bed," I tell them, and then head upstairs and into Ellie's room. I rest Ellie down in her bed and pull the duvet up over her small body, brushing some hair out of her face and then pressing a gentle kiss on her cheekbone.
"Sweet dreams, I love you," I whisper, standing up.
"Love you Mummy," Ellie mumbles subconsciously. I feel a small smile tug at my lips and then I head back downstairs where they have all found a space to sit in the lounge area, there's bowls of crisps, beer and vodka bottles, soft drink cans, and a lot of pizza everywhere.
The television is on and the pre- game show is on at the moment. Manchester United is playing Tottenham tonight in the Premier League, so the boys are all excited for it, and so are us girls. Trust me, being around these men and growing up with brothers, we're all accustom to football.
"It's on!" Louis exclaims and we all look at the television as I sit down on the end of the couch next to Louis, picking up a piece of pizza. The players walk out in their two lines onto the field, line up, shake hands, and then the captains do the toss before they set up in their eleven a side formations, ready to play.
"I'm going for Tottenham, they're underrated," Jesy says and we all crack up. "What? Just because Man United have had more wins and come across as the better team, doesn't mean they're going to win!" Jesy tries to prove her point.
"Okay, okay. They're a good team. They have done well, but most people will be going for Man U, just to let you know," Harry smiles at Jesy and we all laugh at the look she gives him. Laughing is a better form of therapy. Alcohol never got anyone anywhere.
Half time arrives quickly and Manchester United are winning by one goal, so we're all okay at the moment. Hopefully it stays that way to save our dignities. I don't think we'd ever hear the end of it if.
"I can't remember the last time I had sex," Louis mutters and we all turn our heads in his direction, giving him a worried look. "No! I mean, come on. They reckon it's one of the most important things for a healthy relationship."
"Louis, you're not in a relationship," Liam states.
"No!" Louis rebuts, trying not to laugh with us. "I mean, you guys all get to have sex and I just get to be a loner who spends way too much time writing songs."
"Well at least you're doing something productive," I pat his shoulder, getting up and going into the kitchen to grab a glass of water. Some of the questions that come out of people's mouths make me really worry about the mentality of us all... okay, maybe not. But talking about sex?
The others continue to talk about how long it has been since they've last had sex, whilst I stand in the kitchen, drinking my glass of water, looking at the bench and partially listening to their conversation, which triggers the thoughts that come through my mind. All thoughts about one certain man. The man who took my virginity, who took my heart, who took my sanity.
"It's weird to think that you've slept with other people, not just the person you marry. Like, way way back you married a man and then had sex to make babies. No contraception or sex before marriage. No one night stands," Jade says.
"I'm sure there were one night stands," I add into the conversation, making them all go silent and look across at me. "What?" I ask.
"Have you ever had a one night stand?" Jesy asks, a hint of laughter in her voice. "You were the Virgin Mary for a very long time," Jesy adds, making the others laugh a little too. I can't help but smile at Jesy. I don't find it embarrassing, I do find it kind of funny. The other three all had gone there and that is one of the reasons (besides me being the youngest) that they called me their baby.
"Yes," I reply and Leigh- Anne spins around at the speed of light.
"You cheated!" Leigh exclaims, knowing that my husband is the man who took away my 'innocence'.
"Who said we had sex after we got together?" I ask and then go back to drinking my water, leaving them all questioning what the hell actually happened at the beginning of Zayn and my relationship.
I know for a fact that we didn't particularly like one another. Correction, I wasn't too fond of him. Once I got to know him I found him, well, I ended up marrying him if that says enough. But, we met on X Factor and then after the final in December, I didn't see him at all for two months, until I ended up going home with him one night and waking up the next morning in his bed. Things continued from there way better than I ever imagined.
The first time we kissed, the experience left a lingering sensation upon my lips. The taste of his lips pressed to mine was something I couldn't get enough of. His hands gently placed on my lower back but with the more passionate kisses his arm would be wrapped up around the back of my neck, pulling me closer to him, our hips pressed against one another.
The way he would hug me. His long arms wrapped around my back as my arms found around the back of his neck. His face buried into my neck as he would whisper things into my ear, his lips so close to my neck that his breathe sent shivers throughout my body.
It all happens so quickly, that you don't even think. You don't even imagine that your last kiss will be your last kiss. Or that the person you once fell asleep with every night, is suddenly so far away. Apparently change in behaviour comes from a change of the heart, and that scares me to death.
"Hey Per," Liam pipes up from their conversation and I snap back to reality, looking up from my spot, still behind the bench, looking into the lounge area where they are all sitting. "Where's Zayn?" Liam asks, putting a stop to all other conversations.
Fuck. Yes, I know it was going to have to be noticed at some stage, and that they were all going to find out somehow, but it's not like I have been sitting down, planning how to tell them. I mean, we have to tell them. We don't have to tell our families just yet, but these guys practically live in our house, so they need to know.
"Yeah!" Harry adds. "What have you done with him this time?" Harry jokes and they all laugh a little.
"Where'd that husband of yours get to?" Leigh asks me. My chest tightens a little but I push through. I can't let this situation over run my life.
"Um, he went up north to see Tricia for a week or so," I reply, placing my glass into the sink. They all give me confused looks. I knew that would be the response. A week is kind of a long time to visit your Mum without taking your family.
"A week. When did he leave?" Liam asks, confusion obvious in his voice. "This morning?" Liam guesses.
"Last night," I reply, adding more confusion into their brains.
I notice Louis sitting on the furthest couch and his face says it all. He knows the truth. Louis' blue eyes are giving me a sad look. For one of the first times in forever, Louis eyes hold true, sincere sadness in them. His lips are pursed together, and he's playing with his hands subconsciously.
"No," Louis mouths to me, both of us looking dead into each other's eyes. I nod my head slightly and Louis' mouth drops open a little as he closes his eyes, his reaction like he's almost about to cry.
"Why'd he leave last night? Why has he even gone? He never mentioned anything to us," Harry says it out loud and then he stops, realising what has just left his mouth. "Perrie, did something happen?" Harry turns to look at me, his green eyes filled with worry and confusion.
Louis is still looking at me, in a way distracting me from thinking about the questions being asked by the others. I can't think when he's looking at me like that. I don't want to tell them but it's the only thing I can do, the right thing to do.
"Um," I mumble, looking down at the bench, almost as if I'm unable to face them. "We, I think, no, we, well," I mutter, not in control of forming a sentence. My gaze switches to the ceiling and a soft laugh escapes my lips as I think about how ironic it is.
We were the only relationship that hadn't called the quits at some stage over the past ten years. And now what, we've joined the rest in the book of Failed Relationships. Now that they're all finally happy, we get the crap.
I look back at them all, of them looking back at me, worry in most eyes, apart from Louis who has tears swelling in his eyes, his skin turning a very pale colour as his shoulder shake a little. I can't do this to him. This isn't fair on Louis. Sometimes it feels like we're the only thing he has. We aren't, but sometimes, just sometimes we are.
"We broke up," I finally get it out in a quiet tone, but loud enough for them all to hear. To cause all of their mouths to drop, to hear small gasps, to be able to watch them all give me looks of shock. Enough for a tear to roll down Louis' cheek.
"What?" Jesy asks in disbelief. "Tell us we just misheard you. Please tell us you didn't just say-"
"That Zayn and I have broken up," I cut her off, restating my point.
The room goes dead silent and I can see them all looking like they've seen ghost. That they all want to yell and scream, that they believe it is the most stupid and idiotic thing that they have ever heard. I know they want to try and change it, but they know that they can't.
I hear footsteps and turn to look to my right where Ellie is sleepily walking into the room. The others all look across and I walk over to Ellie, squatting down in front of her.
"Mummy," Ellie pushes her arms out towards me, wobbling around and almost tripping over her own feet as her head is filled with sleep still, barely awake. "Sleep. I want to sleep in your bed," Ellie mumbles as I pick her up, her legs wrapping around my waist as I hold her up, her small arms tight around my neck.
"I'll take you up, Mummy needs to do something and then she'll come up too," Jordan Kiffin walks over, taking Ellie out of my arms. "Okay?" Jordan asks Ellie and she nods her head sleepily.
"Thank you," I whisper to Jordan.
"It's okay," he gives me a small smile and then walks off with Ellie.
I turn to look back at the others and Harry pats the seat next to him. I walk over and sit down besides the curly headed lad, looking around at them all. Jake and Danielle both have looks like they don't know what to think. Louis looks on the verge of an emotional breakdown, Harry is sitting next to me, just looking at me with worry in his eyes. Jade, Leigh- Anne, and Jesy all look sympathetic like Zayn just died, and Liam, well he looks shocked.
"Is it really the end?" Jade asks with a fragile voice.
"I don't know," I sigh. "We're going to talk properly when he gets back," I tell them. "And we didn't have some giant fight, I didn't kick him out," I reassure them and they look a little more relieved. "It was a mutual decision."
"Okay," Liam nods.
"I better go and be with Ellie. I'm sorry for spoiling a nice evening. Thank you," I stand up, giving them all a weak smile. I walk away from the couches, feeling my throat starting to burn and a wave of light headedness comes through me. I shake it away and continue to walk, meeting Jordan halfway up the stairs. I thank him again and he gives me a small smile before walking off.
When I get to my room I take off my clothes and change into my pyjamas. I receive a text from Louis saying he turned everything off and locked up on his way out. I turn off the bedroom light after I'm ready and then hop into my side of the bed, pulling Ellie closer to me, slowly letting sleep over take me, but not without thinking.
Was it all a lesson, or was he a blessing that I have destroyed?