Stale Words

Self Sabotage: Resurgence

It aways happens.
No matter what I do.
My heart, it blackens.
I thought I grew.
Grew past these old faults.
I thought I moved on.
But it was all just locked in my vaults.
Pushed back so the thoughts wouldn't spawn.
I can't not mess up my own life.
I really thought I improved as a person.
But I still get tempted by the knife.
And as time goes on, the thoughts only worsen.
I only have myself to blame.
I need to hide these feelings to spare others.
I need to hide my shame.
But this feeling, it always smothers.
There is torture afoot, but it is only towards me.
I'm back at square one.
Back where I never felt free.
Trapped in my thoughts, where I cannot run.
I can never escape from sabotaging all I care for.
It's a habit I really wish I could break.
I really hate having this internal war.
I can't stop making mistake after mistake.
"I'm only human," I need to keep saying.
I need to allow myself to fuck up.
But these mistakes I make, I'm always replaying.
Always making me squirm like a little pup.
I can't ever keep my mouth shut.
Everything I say turns things bad.
I really don't want to cut.
But of course, I do get extremely sad.
Despite all this, I am better.
I am in a happier state.
I am more of a go getter.
And yet, I still contain so much hate.
The only people I blame for my sorrows are me, myself, and I.
No one else deserves to deal with my shit.
No, I don't want to die.
My life just sometimes feels like one big skit.
This reminds me of the old times.
Back when I first started writing.
When I had to make sure everything rhymes.
Where everything always ended with intense feelings igniting.
Despite everything happening, I like where I'm at.
I've experienced many new events.
Ones that lessons' still never fall flat.
I hope it prevents.
Prevents me from causing anymore issues.
Issues for both me and those I care about.
I'm tired of needing tissues.
At this point I'm just hoping I can sprout.
Sprout into what I've always been destined to be.
Until then, I hope my self sabotaging doesn't keep having a resurgence.