{Zayn's POV}
I try to hold it in, but instead I bawl my eyes out. My forearms are resting against the steering wheel, my head resting against them as my eyes are clamped shut, tears flooding down my face as if there is nothing left inside me but pain that is drenched in water. I can easily turn around and pretend like it isn't a big deal, but it is killing me inside. All I want to do is scream and cry and let it all out because it is killing me inside. Fucking killing me.
Fourteen Hours Earlier
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOOPS!" Louis yells as he suddenly appears in our living room, scooping Ellie up and spinning her around rapidly as she squeals and laughs with absolute joy whilst Louis cheers and sings Happy Birthday to her.
I feel a smile creeping across my face as I watch how happy Ellie is. Nothing can spoil today for her. I refuse to let any other crap from this year get in the way of Ellie's fourth birthday. Fourth. Four years. It's actually been four years since Ellie was born. Where did those years go?
"I swear she was only a baby last time I blinked. What happened?" Perrie asks from where she is standing next to me, also watching Louis now playing with all three of our daughters in the lounge room.
"We grew up," I mutter. "When did that happen?" I ask Perrie in a whisper
Perrie doesn't reply, just continues to cut the fruit that she is preparing for when the others arrive. We said that they could come around ten- thirty, which is now. I don't think we're ever prepared for the future. We can try and be prepared and try and say that we are ready for whatever gets thrown at us, but the truth is, we can never see what's coming next.
The others all arrive shortly after Louis and I look around at the big group of people and how happy they all are. This is how it should be. All of us together, well apart from Niall, Ella, and Asha- but they're still part of the family. Yes, we're a family. Liam, Danielle, Zuri, Harry, Jade, Leigh- Anne and Jordan, Jesy and Jake (yeah, he's joined the family), Louis, and my clan. Even if it is for the last time.
Jonnie, Gemma, Luca, Evie, and Kayla (the extended family) arrive and so Louis and Jade start to conduct party games with the few children that there are, meaning Harry, Liam, Jake and Perrie are forced to put on fairy wings, black ones, and join in too. The good old black fairy wings.
After lunch my laptop starts making the funny Skype noise and Harry immediately accepts the call from Niall, connecting the laptop to the TV so we can see Niall, Ella, and Asha in big screen.
"Hey!" Everyone cheers.
"Hello!" Niall laughs. Ella and Asha greet everyone too and then the three of them sing Happy Birthday to Ellie. A conversation with the lads in Australia starts as Liam makes his way over to me, standing to my left.
"Any reason you're standing off to the side?" Liam asks me before sipping his drink, his hazel eyes giving me a questioning look.
"I never imagined this Liam," I tell him, watching Lillie and Rosie both grabbing at Ellie's legs and laughing with her as they all wrestle each other playfully. "I always wanted a family, my own anchor during rough waters, but I didn't expect three daughters that I can never stop loving, not until I draw my final breath will I stop loving them," I look across at Liam. "And to be honest, not even death will stop my love for them," I tell him truthfully.
I look across at Perrie who is talking to Jesy whilst watching Ellie, Lillie and Rosie. Her bright blue eyes accompanied by a bright smile on her face as Rosie starts telling her some sort of baby blabber. I still remember everything, it's a picture book imprinted in my brain. Nobody else has been worth thinking about since I met Perrie.
Flashback, 2011
I swear to God that the next time I see Louis, whether it be in the next thirty seconds or tomorrow, I will be giving him a word or two about keeping his bloody trap shut!
He was blabbering away to Jade Thirlwall, Harry and Liam about how I have a crush on Perrie, Jade's bandmate. Jade found it sweet whilst I sat there sinking further down into my chair with embarrassment.
As I turn down the next corridor, still trying to find Louis, I notice Perrie walking down the corridor in my direction.
"Hey Zayn," she smiles as she walks past, her smile brightening the place up, blue eyes sparkling.
I go to speak but nothing comes out as she walks straight past me. Oh well done! Now she's going to think your an ignorant ass who doesn't say hello.
I turn on my heels and watch her walking away.
"H- hey Perrie," I stutter out and she stops waking and turns around to look at me. "Right?" I question. Why the heck am I questioning that?! I know she's Perrie!
"Hi Zayn," she laughs a little bit and then gives me a cheeky smile. "And you know who I am. I know you do."
"You haven't seen Louis Tomlinson by any chance?" I ask, now panicking that he's gone and told her too.
"Yeah actually! I was just having a conversation with him. Very interesting conversation," Perrie replies with a slight smirk. Shit. Bloody Louis.
"Of course," I mutter, my cheeks going bright red. Its obvious what he told her, you can tell by the look on her face.
"Well if it saves you any trouble, I like Louis, he's a funny lad," Perrie smiles. "But, I like someone else more," she gives me a cheeky grin again and then turns around, running off. "Bye Zach!" She calls out.
"It's Zayn!" I call back and Perrie stops at the doors, turning to look at me with her gorgeous smile.
"I know, idiot."
I chuckle and smile back at her. "Bye Perrie," I smile as she bites her bottom lip and then disappears out the doors.
That was the first time I ever said goodbye to her. What followed from there was an endless string of hello's and goodbye's, each one with more emotion. Now hello's and goodbye's are becoming a struggle. We forget to say it .... or we just don't
"Zayn, I've always admired the way that you two stick together, through thick and thin," Liam says to me, obviously referring to Perrie and I. I watch though as his eyes look a bit sadder and he folds his arms across his chest.
"And it may hurt to let go, but sometimes it hurts more to hold on," Liam says to me, his worry and seriousness coming out through his voice before he walks away.
Perrie picks up Rosie and starts tickling her as they both laugh, but all I can think about now is what Liam just said. What if it's hurting us more because we're still together, still holding on, than it ever will if we're apart.
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I flick the light switch off in the living area and then make my way towards the stair case, bumping into Perrie half way up.
"Oh! Sorry," Perrie mumbles and then steps aside so I can go past her, which I do, but after taking a few more steps I turn around and watch her walking away.
"Perrie," I say, getting her to stop and turn around to face me. This time her eyes are sparkling blue and she doesn't have a bright smile on her face, like the first time I talked to her. I walk to the bottom of the stairs and look into her grey coloured eyes. "Can we talk?" I ask.
Perrie nods and we just stay where we are, looking at one another. Perrie waiting for me to say something whilst I think about whether what I'm about to say is the biggest mistake of my life.
"Nothing this year has been good, we both know that," I say, still looking into her eyes as she looks right back at me. "We're struggling. Any fool could see that whatever was between us before is dead," I admit, feeling a numbness drifting through my body. "And it doesn't mean I love you any less, but I just don't think that this is, this is," I struggle for words.
"We should break up?" Perrie's words cut me off. I can see the sincerity in her eyes and I know that this is what I was trying to say, but just because it's been put out there now as a mutual feeling, doesn't mean that it hasn't pierced through my body without any pain.
"Yes," I reply, nodding my head slightly as Perrie nods hers too.
"I agree," Perrie mutters. "We're not what we have been. And we can fight all we want and try and hold on, but that's not going to change anything."
"The way I've been feeling this is year is unlike anything I've ever felt before. You make me want to punch something because I get so angry and frustrated with you, you make me feel vulnerable and weak, you make me feel trapped but at the same time free, you make me feel like I am dying! But at the same time I am completely and utterly in love with you and it hurts. It fucking hurts so much," I tell her.
Perrie just nods her head and bites down on her bottom lip, her eyes piercing into mine, making me use all my strength to stop myself from walking right up to her and kissing her, making me do whatever it takes to fix her, and me.
"It's okay to let go," Perrie whispers. "I think I did a long time ago and we've just been too oblivious to notice it," Perrie sighs.
"I'll go up North for a week, see my Mum. I won't tell her anything, they don't need to know," I plan out loud and Perrie nods in agreement. "When I come back we'll sort the rest out, okay?" I ask. "You'll be okay with the girls?" I make sure.
"Yep," Perrie nods. "That sounds good."
"Okay," I whisper and Perrie walks towards the living area as I head back up the staircase, heading into our bedroom and into the wardrobe. Quickly and without any thought I pull out a bag and shove some clothes into it. I place my phone charger, laptop and a book in there too, and the things I need from the bathroom.
I put my shoes on and then slide a jacket on too, placing my phone, keys and wallet into the pockets and as I'm about to leave our bedroom I stop. My breath hitches in my chest and I turn around, my finger resting on the light switch but my eyes looking around our bedroom.
The unmade bed with random children's toys thrown all over it, clothes tossed next to the washing basket and not actually in it, books scattered across the nightstands, and the picture above our bed, slightly crooked. The picture of Ellie, Lillie, Rosie, Perrie, and I that Louis took on the twins' birthday when we were actually okay for a brief moment in time.
My finger flicks down the switch and I walk out of our room, placing my bag down and then walking into Lillie and Rosie's bedroom. The green walls are all dimmed out but the glow from the night light casts a nice setting in their room.
I gently kiss each of their foreheads as they peacefully sleep and then walk out of their room and into Ellie's squatting down besides her bed where she is sound asleep. I gently kiss her forehead too and then leave, trying not to wake her, or the twins, up.
I feel bad for leaving them, but I will be back. I'm not one of those people who's just going to run off on my family. I just need to give Perrie space and I need some too. I'm not leaving, I'm just going home.
I sling my bag over my shoulder as I make it to the bottom of the stairs. Perrie is walking out of the living area that is now dark again and she stops when she notices me.
"Bye Perrie," I whisper and she just looks at me. Perrie walks over and gives me a quick hug before pulling away. My hand is soon pulling open our front door and I go to walk through before Perrie's voice stops me.
"Bye Zach," she says with a hint of laughter in her voice. I turn around to see her chewing at her lip and giving me a sad sort of look.
"It's Zayn."
"I know," Perrie replies and I step out the door. "Idiot," she adds as I close the door behind me. The smile on my face creeps across as I walk towards my car, tossing my bag into the boot and then getting into the driver's seat, starting the car.
But as I start to drive away, getting further and further from them, my smile starts to vanish and I feel my chest closing up. My eyes start to water and the noises coming from the radio start to be a blur, just another hopeless voice in a world full of too much noise.
Pulling my car over, I try to hold it in, but instead I bawl my eyes out. My forearms are resting against the steering wheel, my head resting against them as my eyes are clamped shut, tears flooding down my face as if there is nothing left inside me but pain that is drenched in water. I can easily turn around and pretend like it isn't a big deal, but it is killing me inside. All I want to do is scream and cry and let it all out because it is killing me inside. Fucking killing me.
You really never know how strong you are.... until you're broken.