After talking tough to myself, my nerves start getting the best of me. Why the hell do I have to blush so easily? Seriously. This has been an issue since I was a kid and it has never gone away. The way these two keep glancing at me as we are walking, has me a little nervous. They keep glancing over at me and then each other. I can tell they think I haven't noticed.
"Ok boys, why do you keep staring at me? Did you think I wasn't going to catch on? I know I blush a lot. I can't help it! And you are not helping. I'm already self-conscious as is."
Of course, they both start laughing and just looking at each other and back at me. I start looking down at my feet and slowing down. My self-doubt all comes rushing back out. Maybe I should just go back to my apartment. I don't think this is a good idea. Especially if they are going to just start laughing at me because I blush. I can't help it. I feel tears welling up as I slow down even more. Who am I anyway, to think I can actually talk to them? I'm a nobody.
All of a sudden, I feel hands on my shoulders to making me stop.
"Hey, hey, we're sorry. We didn't mean to make you upset."
I realize it was Felix who grabbed my shoulders when he starts talking. But I still can't quite get the nerve up to look up. I've been laughed at too much; made fun of one too many times in life. Even at my age, those memoires still kick in and punch me in the stomach. I don't like these feelings. They still hurt. I try. I try so hard to not let these memories overtake me. Sometimes they still slip through, like now. I had hoped my weight-loss would help with these feelings. Therapy has helped, but... Well obviously not enough. I just need to leave.
I pull away from Felix, not saying anything. I start walking away, still not looking up. All I want to do is run away from them. I don't have the chance though, as Chris comes to stand right in front of me. Felix runs up behind me and engulfs me in a hug.
Take some deep breaths Lynn, you can do this. One breath at a time. It's all I can keep saying in my head as I'm desperately trying to hold my tears in.
I slowly look up at him and what I see surprises me. His eyes are full of genuine concern for me. I really wasn't expecting that. I figured on pity, not concern. And if I was being truthful, I really thought he'd be looking at me like I've lost my damn mind. I mean, what grown ass woman is like this? I hate myself for being like this. Leave it to me to have a freaking mental break-down in front of my ultimate bias! Just why do I have to be this way?
"We are so sorry Lynn. We really weren't laughing at you and I'm sorry it felt that way. It's just you're saur adorable when you blush! And well, we really do love your voice. It's not often we get to speak to American's and especially not one who doesn't absolutely fan girl all over us. It's nice just getting to talk to someone who treats us as...well, like normal guys."
Felix releases me from the hug and comes to stand beside Chris. He reaches up and brushes away the tears that started falling unbidden. Next thing I know I'm in another hug, but this time from both of them.
"Now, no more tears love." Felix tells me as we separate. "By the way, where exactly is your accent from? I love it, but I can't remember where we've heard it before. It sounds familiar, but at the same time it doesn't."
I mentally shake myself from the melancholy that had overtaken me a moment before. Will this feeling of inadequacy and self-loathing ever fully go away? What the hell, why now? I look down as another tear slips out unbidden. I quickly wipe it away hoping they don't see.
"I'm sorry guys. Old demons coming back to haunt me just now. Thought I'd conquered the self-loathing, but obviously not. It's not you, this is all on me. I'm a work in progress, in many ways. And to answer your question Felix, I'm from Texas. I was born and raised in Texas. I've lived there longer than any place. It's home. Always has been, always will be, no matter where I live."
When I look at them, they are looking at each other. I'm embarrassed by my actions. Even worse, I probably made them feel uncomfortable. They must think I'm crazy. It's time for me to just go back to the apartment. There is no way they'll want me to meet the others now. I'm not even going to ask for my ramen and snacks, I just start to walk off. I'm surprised when they start walking with me again. Well, ok then.
"So, they call that a southern accent, right?" ask Chris.
"Well, pretty close. More southwestern, but close." I tell them.
"Guys, I am really sorry for freaking out. This has been a long struggle. I was always the fat friend, so sometimes things just kinda set me off at times. I try to keep it at bay, but I think my upcoming surgery is bringing out some stuff I thought I'd dealt with. Obviously not. I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable. You probably think I'm crazy right now. I-I don't blame you if you do."
"Are you kidding me, don't worry about it. We all have issues with ourselves. Things we don't like. You being a Stay, you know how I am about myself. I know the self-loathing. I still struggle at 32, so I understand how that feels." Chris tells me as we walk.
"And as for crazy, no, we don't think that. Chris is right. We all struggle in different ways. You didn't make us uncomfortable at all." Says Felix.
We finally make it back to the apartments. We enjoyed talking and laughing the rest of the way after my breakdown. I'm embarrassed that happened. They've been cool about it though and have made me feel at ease. Which is rather nice. They really are down to earth for being such massive idols. I don't know what I was expecting, but to be able to talk to them with such ease is amazing.
We get off the elevator on our floor. It suddenly strikes me as hilarious to say 'our' floor and I giggle to myself. What has my life become that I can say our floor about Strays Kids and the kids and I? Even though it's only for a year, this is wild!
As we are walking down the hallway, I realize that we have an apartment literally right next to one of them. I just don't know who, but I have a feeling both Don and Tony know. They are so getting it! I actually let out a loud giggle as we get to the apartment right new to ours. Both Felix and Chris look at me.
"What's so funny?" ask Chris.
"Oh, just the fact that I am living right next to my absolute favorite K-pop group. And that I just know my kids probably know which of you that we live directly next too. This doesn't even feel real! I feel like I'm going to wake up from this dream soon. Are you really sure you want me to come in and meet the other guys? It's ok if after what happened on the way here you don't want me to."
"Nope, not a dream! This is my apartment. I told you, stop worrying! The guys have been wanting to meet you since they found out about you. My apartment is the biggest one. Yours is the next biggest on this floor. Everyone comes over all the time, day or night. We all have a tendency to just chill over here and we always have meetings over here. Plus, family dinners." Chris says with a huge smile.
"So, come on in! And it's fine Lynn, trust me. We've all dealt with and still deal with some messed up thoughts. After all the hate we've received through the years and still sometimes received, it can be hard. Don't get me wrong, we receive way more love and support, but the negative can sometimes take us down hard." Felix tells me this as Chris opens the door.
As I walk in, I realize it's nearly identical to mine. It is bigger than my apartment and mines big. His is all modern with dark tones, mostly black, with some silver and white, everywhere. Very Chris honestly. This man still wears mostly black so I didn't expect his apartment to be any different. It just, fits. I don't know how else to explain it, but I feel like this just fits him so much. Also, I don't know what the smell is, but I need it. It smells so good.
It hits me that it smells like him. I smelled it when he stood in front of me and hugged me. Wow. Now I want to know what it is! I take a deep smell and let out a soft sigh. I really hope he didn't see me do that.
"It smells good in here, doesn't it? I still sniff the air every time I come over." Felix whispers in my ear. My eyes go wide. Oops. One of them saw me. "It's good. We all have a tendency to do it!"
We enter the kitchen and set all the ramen down. I look over and Felix is on his phone. He looks up at me sheepishly and gives a grin. Then, I hear them! They'd left the door cracked, so I got to hear how loud they can be. Oh, so Binnie really is loud! And Lee Know. OMG, what have I gotten myself into? And how have I missed this the last few days? I've really been zoned out this week to have missed this.
Changbin and Hyunjin are trying to come in the door at the same time with no luck. All of a sudden, they nearly fly into the living room. I look over at Lee Know standing in the doorway with a wicked grin. All I can do is burst out laughing at their expressions as they turn around and glare at him while the rest walk in. All at once, I have 6 pairs of eyes turning toward me as one. Well, that's a little unnerving. There is silence as they stare at me.
"Ok boys, take a picture. It last longer." I say with a smile.
"Hi...so your Lynn...your voice...oh...I like your accent...hello" all comes out at the same time as the rapidly talk over each other. OMG, seriously, how have I even remotely missed them being right next door to me? These walls must be super insulated and sound proofed. There isn't any other explanation. Either that or they've been quieter, but I somehow doubt that.
"Whoa, slow down kids!" shouts Chris.
"Ya, chill guys! Introductions?" shouts Felix.
All I can do is start laughing again. They are too much.
"And this is why I call y'all chaos gremlins all the time. Is it always this way?" I turn and ask Chris.
"Chaos gremlins? Naur! You're the one that calls us that in Bubble!" shouts Felix. Oh no, what did I just do? Why did I give them that info? He and Chris start laughing again and talking to themselves as they get out all the ramen and drinks we got.
"Yes, pretty much it's like this all the time." Lee Know answers with a smirk, as he comes to stand beside me.
Oh, this man is hot! All of them beefed up when they went to the military. Chris and Felix decided to do military type workouts too, so they would match the rest of the group. Since then, they've just kept it up. I think I should ask for help from them once I can start working out after surgery. My inner diva rears up in all lace lingerie knowing exactly how they could help me "work out". No, NO! I can't have these thoughts right now! Down girl, down! I look over at Lee Know and realize he's watching me. Why do I feel as if he knows exactly what I was thinking?
"Guys, meet Lynn. You've all already met her kids, Don and Tony..."
"What?" I interrupt. "They've already met ALL of you? And then you decided they needed to not tell me? (looking at Chris and Felix) Ohhhh, you are all in trouble for that one. Why would you, no they, do that to me? UGH!!!!" I said glaring at each of them.
Han, Seungmin and I.N at least look contrite. Lee Know has a rather wicked glint in his eyes and smirk on his face. Damn Cat Man. Trouble with a capital T. Changbin, Felix and Hyunjin are smiling from ear to ear. These men. Oh, they are all going to be trouble. Chris is smiling, but there is a glint in his eye that I'm unsure about. It's making my inner diva prowl and me worried what that means. It's definitely going to be an interesting time living next to them. Well, now that I know they live next to me.
"I already know what Chris and Felix are ok being called. Now it's each of your turns. Let me know so I call you by your preferred name. If I'm going to be living here for a year, I would like to make sure I address you properly."
Changbin immediately speaks up and tells me Changbin, Binnie or Bin is fine. I.N says I.N or Jeongin, but he'd prefer Jeongin, if I don't mind. Lee Know or Minho, Han or Hannie, Seungmin or Minnie is even fine, and Hyunjin or Jinnie. I love that I now know what they are each ok with. It makes things less awkward since we live on the same floor. I'm sure I'm going to see them a lot going back and forth. I also learn this floor has its own gym and that my family is welcome to use it too. And Changbin even says he'd love some early morning work-out partners when we're up for it. Freaking awesome!