I don't know why I expected to have a perfect time with absolutely no problems when I decided to run away with Chan, but I know I hadn't even thought of this as a possibility.
I rested my head against the cold bathroom wall, holding onto the counter as the world spun. I was overly hot, and the way the bathroom was starting to look like a kaleidoscope made my stomach turn. I didn't have a lot of time to fix this. Chan had gone to the register to order so I had to make it back to our table and look normal before he got back.
Easy peasy.
I grabbed a paper towel, wetting it under the faucet before putting it on the back of my neck, determined not to pass out. I probably had a fever, but that was normal now. There was also a pain in my chest that wouldn't seem to stop, even as I pressed my hand hard against it.
I opened one eye to the empty bathroom. Why was I so hot? This couldn't be good.
Then I felt the petals come up my throat.
I rushed to a stall, a little off balance and banging my elbow into the open door. I didn't have time to curse at the pain because my head was already over the toilet, throat burning as my stomach forced everything up. Bile, petals, and blood were the only things that filled the basin. I dry heaved, nothing else left because I couldn't keep anything down.
Breathing heavily, I sat against the side of the stall, trying not to cry. If I cry, Chan will definitely notice something's wrong. I feel so weak, and I can tell I'm sweating now as my hair felt like it stuck to my skin. My makeshift pass-out cloth was gone, lost somewhere between the sink and the toilet in my panic. Everything was falling apart.
My hands shook as I buried my face in them. I took breaths in and out, but with every one I took I could feel the petals rattle in my lungs. At this point, I'm starting to feel like one of those machine they use for bingo.
I looked over at the sink, sniffling a few times to stop the tears from coming out my eyes. Slowly, my hand reached for the phone in my pocket, debating what to do. My finger paused over the call button, dread filling me before I shut off the phone and put it away. If I call Seungmin, today is over. Chan and I just got here, to the same street market we used to go to every day after school. I haven't been here in a while, especially not with Chan. And he was so happy on the way over as he talked about all we could do. I wasn't going to ruin that for him. And, this was my one day to throw all caution to the wind. Calling Seungmin to come get me would end all of that, even if I was sick.
I held onto the toilet paper dispenser to force myself to stand, slightly wobbly on my legs. I flushed the toilet, watching the mixture of petals and blood turn the water pink as it disappeared. I took a deep breath, carefully walking back over to the sink and immediately washing out my mouth.
When I looked up, everything froze.
The last time I looked into a mirror, I looked okay.
Now, I looked like I was sick.
My skin was pale, absent of color except for the part around my eyes which was flushed with an unhealthy red. There were dark circles under my eyes, standing out against my red cheeks. My eyes were tired looking, refusing to open fully. My lips were pale too and my hair stuck to my neck. I needed to fix this before Chan noticed.
I immediately turned on the faucet and started splashing my face with the cold water.
There was no make up to be worried about as I continuously covered my face in water, trying to scrub the image of myself in the mirror from my mind. That's not me. That couldn't be me. I was taking the injections now, why did I look so bad?
"I can confidently say you're in stage four of the sickness."
I put my hands on either side of the sink, looking at myself again as water dripped down my jaw. The cold water had brought a better looking flush of color to my face, making me seem healthier from all the movement. I quickly pulled up my curls, putting them in a ponytail that was off my neck so it wouldn't stick. I looked okay. Exhausted, but....okay.
I rolled up the sleeves of my sweater, still feeling overly hot. Time to go back to Chan.
I exited the bathroom, walking back to our table like nothing was wrong even though everything was. My eyebrows furrowed together as I noticed Chan wasn't there even though the food was, and I turned to the vender's station where I saw him last. He wasn't there either.
Suddenly, someone's hand covered my eyes.
I felt them rest their chin on my shoulder, their other hand pulling me into them. I crossed my arms over my chest and waited.
"Aren't you going to ask me who I am?" He said.
"Do you not remember last time?" I responded.
The person paused, and I could feel their chest move with every breath. "Where did you even get the name Jinhwa?"
I laughed and Chan let go of me, walking around to the other side of the table after I sat down. I shrugged. "I saw it somewhere."
Chan nodded, then suddenly his eyes lit up. "Come on, let's eat! I haven't had a lot of this stuff in a while."
I grinned at his cute expression, but that grin immediately dropped as I looked at the food in front of me. I was starving, and a lot of it looked really good, but I can't keep anything down.
I was just staring at the empty plate in front of me when a hand entered my vision.
I looked up into Chan's worried eyes.
"Please eat something," he said quietly. "You haven't eaten since this morning."
In his hand he held a gukhwappang, one of my favorite street foods.
But I had forgotten it was shaped like a flower.
I took the thing from his hand, not wanting to see that expression on his face again during our "date". He smiled and I forced one too. Ironic that this is the second time he's given me flowers, and both times he extended his hand.
"Sorry, I just....couldn't decide," I lied.
For some reason, I wanted him to pick up on the lie. Instead, he waved me off. "No you're fine, I'm just worried because finals are coming up and you tend to starve yourself."
I widened my eyes. "I do not!"
"Yes you do," he said, leaning forward.
"Name one time when I have done that."
"I can name seven recently."
"There's no way."
Chan rested his chin in one of his hands. "Last semester all you ate was a saltine cracker before I came over to help you with your Chemistry exam prep."
"I was going to eat," I defended. "I just hadn't gotten around to it."
"What about the time you skipped dinner five nights in a row, one for each exam?"
I looked away. "I just forgot."
Chan smirked. "Did you forget the other day when Seungmin had to call me too?"
You know what? Screw both of them.
AND the disease.
I stuck the gukhwappang in my mouth out of spite and sarcastically smiled.
Chan went back to eating, a smug smile on his face.
I looked at the other tables around us and all the couples or families that were laughing and eating together.
You know what? I'm going to have as much fun as I want with Chan.
I'm going to get sick anyways, so why not?
Reaching forward, I grinned as I stole the gukhwappang that was in Chan's hand.
Chan grinned as he leaned over the table to try and take it back, but I had already put the bread in my mouth. He gave me a look that said "really?" before sitting back down. I watched as he pulled out a napkin and started placing different foods on it.
I leaned forward on my elbow. "What are you doing Channie?" I asked innocently, knowing full well what he was doing.
"I'm making you a plate of food—" he looked up "—so you can stop stealing mine!"
"What if I want to keep stealing yours?" I teased.
He stopped. "Does it just taste better when you steal it from me?"
"Definitely," I said. "It's the crime."
He shook his head, a smile on his lips that he tried to hide as he slid the napkin over to my side of the table. I happily picked up a steamed bun, taking a bite as I watched people walk through the market. There was a sudden pain in my lungs and I winced, my knuckles turning white against the fabric of my shirt as I held in an exclamation.
Chan let out a sudden cough and my eyes snapped worriedly in his direction. He put a hand to his chest, pausing with his food in his hands, face in a confused expression.
"What's wrong?" I asked, trying to seem fine past the sudden tightness in my lungs.
He shook his head. "I don't know...." He trailed off. "I think I just....ate too fast."
I put down the steamed bun, tilting my head slightly as Chan went back to eating. Something doesn't seem right. My eyes paused on the hand that still rested on his chest. He ate too fast? Then why was he still holding it? And why did it happen at the same time as—
My eyes widened.
He can't—
It can't be.
I felt the hand holding the steamed bun lower as I stared back outside. I'm freaking out too much, I'm sure there's nothing wrong. He probably just has heartburn or something.
I carefully started back eating, slowly getting rid of the last steamed bun because of the discomfort in my chest. I didn't want to throw up petals because I ate too fast. That would be one way to tell Chan. Like 'Hey! Yea I just threw up a bunch of petals, what about it? Oh yea, did I mention I'm dying?'. What a mood killer.
"Wonnie?" I looked up at Chan's voice. "Do you want to walk around while we finish the rest of this?"
He gestured the few pieces of food left, and then the direction I had been zoned out in. "You look like your mind wants to wander," he said.
I crushed up my napkin and put it in one of the empty containers. Grabbing it and one of the ones with food left, I nodded with a smile. "Yea, let's explore," I said. "I wonder if anything has changed since we were last here."
Chan grabbed a gukhwappang from the container in my hand, popping it into his mouth. He took the empty stuff from my hand and threw it away with his.
He shrugged. "I'm just happy to be here with you."
Chan slipped his hand into mine, lacing my fingers with his. I tried not to think about it much as I ate the last of the flower bread, throwing it in the trash can at the door of the little restaurant we were leaving. I also tried not to think about the fact that my breathing felt weak and my lungs felt tired.
Chan kept his hand in mine as we weaved through the crowds of people. At one point he had to let go to put a hand on my waist as we passed by a large group, but as soon as we were free his hand was back in mine. My heart was racing, and I couldn't tell if it was from him or the disease.
I jumped out of my thoughts when I felt his hand disappear. Looking up with wide eyes, I turned to try and find him, figuring he couldn't have gone far.
I figured wrong.
This man was no where to be found.
I cursed under my breath, trying to catch a glimpse of my new favorite sweater but the boy wearing it had disappeared. I quickly moved to get out of the walkway, bumping into a few people and a very angry ajumma who I immediately said sorry to and bowed. Leaning against the edge of a random stall, I took a deep breath as a wave of nausea suddenly hit. Where was he?? My fingers itched to pull out my phone, to call Seungmin because I suddenly felt like I wasn't okay anymore. Screw not okay, I felt sick. Why didn't I feel like this when I was with Chan? Where is he??
"Are you looking for your boyfriend?"
I jumped at the voice, turning to see small old woman standing behind the stall counter. She gave me a small smile as her hands worked with some kind of rope.
I nervously laughed. "We're not—"
"I know a couple when I see one," she interrupted.
"He's the handsome boy in the lavender sweater, right?"
Eyes widening, I walked further into the stall. "Yes, that's him."
Her crinkled up as he smiled. "He's right on the other side of that crowd. He stopped to talk to some tourists, but I'm sure as soon as he notices he'll be right over here for you."
As I walked closer my eyes picked up on just what the woman was making. The table in front of her was covered in cord bracelets, decorated with different beads and woven into intricate patterns. I picked up a small black cord, light green beads braided within.
"You picked a good one," the woman said. I held up the bracelet questioningly and she laughed. "Not the bracelet, the boy."
I felt a blush creep up as I shook my head. "Thank you, but we're not together."
The woman stopped braiding. "Well why not?"
I opened my mouth to answer but stopped as I felt arms wrap around my waist from behind. Chan rested his chin on my shoulder, speaking lowly. "I'm so sorry, I thought you were right behind me. I was helping a British couple with directions."
"You're fine," I said. "I'm okay with waiting."
I shot him a smile, feeling the nausea subside. My eyes switched back to the woman, who gave a small knowing smile as she continued to braid. I fingered the small bracelet in my hand as Chan buried his face in my shoulder. This is fine. Everything's fine. Chan likes hugs. This is a hug. A normal hug. A completely normal—
Who am I kidding.
My face was one big blush.
I probably look like a traffic light.
"Can I buy this?" I blurted, wanting to get out of this situation.
I felt Chan's head raise as I extended my hand toward the woman. She took the cord from my hand, and slowly stood up, walking closer so I could give her money.
As soon as she extended her hand, Chan's arms left my waist.
He pulled out his phone to pay before I could say no. I crossed my arms over my chest as he turned around, a triumphant smile on his face with the bracelet in his hand.
I rolled my eyes. "You know I could've paid for it, right?"
He took my hand again as we left the booth. "I know."
"Then why did you?"
He grinned. "Do I have to give an explanation?"
I felt one corner of my mouth turn up. "Maybe."
Chan stopped and waited for me to look at him. "Well maybe I just want to give you a gift, for no particular reason."
I felt myself freeze.
Say something, Haewon!
You've been silent for way too long!
What do I say?!?
I narrowed my eyes at the grin growing on Chan's face. Fine. I'm not going to be the only one speechless.
"That's too bad," I finally said. "Because I wasn't going to buy that for me."
Chan's smile dropped.
I let go of his hand, walking forward through the market without him. Serves him right for making me all flustered and blushy and not able to remember words. Why did he seem so much less....reserved than usual? Don't get me wrong, Chan is a huge hugger. Part of his love language is physical touch, so whenever he's around me or one of the boys he's leaning on us or trying to hug us. That part isn't the part that's phasing me.
It's the fact that this 'date' feels an awful lot like a date.
The physical touch, the teasing, sharing food, all of it was normal but different, like every action was turned up to ten. It was driving me insane. He has feelings for Ivy, he went on a date with Ivy. And I was already feeling sick and exhausted, to play with my feelings was just cruel.
How does someone do that when they don't even know the other person has feelings?
I heard footsteps and suddenly Chan was in front of me, face slightly pink as he put his hands on my arms to stop me from walking. He took a deep breath. "Who?" He questioned.
"Who what?" I said.
"Who did you buy it for then? And don't you dare say Jinhwa," he added.
A grin lit up my face "Why not?"
Chan's eyes widened. "Because he's not real?!? Is it for someone in our friend group?"
I looked past him. "Maybe."
Chan looked into my eyes as he started listing off names. "Felix?"
"No."
"Minho?"
"Eww. Definitely not."
"Han or Hyunjin?"
"Why would I?"
"Changbin?"
"That's your bromance, not mine."
"Jeongin?"
"Tempting, but no."
Chan paused. "....Seungmin?"
I looked him in the eyes, tilting my head with a smirk growing on my face. "Is that your final answer?"
He furrowed his eyebrows, rest one knuckle on his bottom lip. "Hold on, I can think of more..."
I rolled my eyes. He's not going to get it, is he?
Reaching up, I flicked his forehead. Chan jumped, his eyes meeting mine.
"It's you, stupid," I said.
Chan's face gradually brightened as his expression changed from confusion to recognition. A grin slowly filled his face, bringing out the beautiful dimples that I love and making his eyes become little crescents. He reached into his pocket and brought out the small cord.
He gave a lopsided smile as he pointed to himself. "Me?"
I took the cord from his hand. "It matches the rest of your closet." My finger ran over the green beads and I teasingly add. "And it finally adds some color to all your clothes."
Chan forced a gasp. "What do you mean 'adds some color'?"
"I mean you only own clothes that are black, with the occasional grey, but you'd probably call that 'pale black'."
He pointed at his chest. "I have colors, see? I own this sweater."
"Not for long."
"What?"
"What."
Chan shook his head. "So it's really for me?"
"No, I lied." I deadpanned.
He paused for a moment, and then rolled his eyes as he stuck his wrist forward. I stared at the hand in front of me.
"Do you want me to....hold it?" I said.
"Not right now, but yes after." Chan shook his wrist with a soft smile on his face. "Can you put it on?"
I felt my face grow red for I swear the fifth time tonight, and I prayed that the dark night was covering it from his eyes. I cleared my throat, eyes going to the bracelet in my hand and then to the wrist in front of me. Taking his hand, I carefully pulled him closer as I tried to focus.
I was suddenly glad that I had walked into a more secluded, open spot of the market earlier as the two of us went silent. We were very close now, close enough that as I tried to focus on tying the cord into a neat little bow, I could see that the tips of his shoes were almost touching mine. My fingers fumbled a bit. Why can't I tie this? He was too close, way too close. I cleared my throat. I got this, I won't lose it.
Chan reached forward and tucked a hair behind my ear.
I almost screamed.
"There," I said, finishing the knot. I took several steps back and tried to take deep breaths without it being noticeable. Finally, I looked up. "Should we start walking home?"
Chan almost looked pink under the dim lighting from the street lamps as he grinned. "Actually, today isn't over yet." He pulled out his phone and his grin widened. "It looks like I still have a few hours planned so, are you okay with spending the rest of the day with me?"
He held out his hand.
I'm starting to realize that whenever Chan extends his hand, I can't seem to ever be able to turn it down.
I slipped my hand into his and smiled. "Where to?"
- - _ - - _ - - _ - - _ -- _ - - _ - - _ - - _ - -
"I'm confused. Are we picking up something quickly? Why are we at your apartment?"
Chan didn't answer as I held onto his hand, reaching into his pockets to find his key. My eyes wandered around the hallway, picking up how quiet and empty it was due to the late time.
I hid behind Chan's back without so much as a thought as he swung open the door.
"What are you doing?" He laughed, looking over his shoulder.
"I don't want to wake up Changbin," I whispered back.
Chan walked backward as he pulled me into the apartment after him. "Don't even worry about that. He's working overtime at the recording studio."
"This late?" I furrowed my eyebrows.
Chan shrugged. "I think he was thinking about pulling an all-nighter."
Weird.
I followed after Chan as we walked into his living room and stopped. I looked at him curiously, completely lost on the reason we were here. Then my eyes focused on the tray of snacks on the table and lots of blankets and pillows.
Everything clicked.
"You didn't—!" I turned to Chan with wide eyes.
He grinned. "I bought the movie."
I covered my mouth with my hand. He bought the movie, the movie that we talked about in Minho's cafe a week ago, the one that he remembered I wanted to see months ago but never had the time. I looked at the pile of blankets and pillows on top of the couch. I didn't even know he owned that many pillows. Heck, I don't even own that many pillows! And he got snacks too?!?
"When did you set this up?" I asked.
"I started between my classes, but I didn't have a lot of time so Changbin finished it while we were at the market before he left for our internship," Chan explained. "I was trying to steal you for as long as I could because I didn't know how long he would take."
I walked forward, my shoes quickly kicked off at the door. "So that's why you looked so happy earlier when you pulled out your phone."
Chan laughed. "Yea, Binnie texted me that everything was ready."
I plopped down face-first into the mounds of pillows, letting out a little laugh as I buried myself in them. I felt a hand on my lower back and I lifted my head to see Chan leaning over the back of the couch.
"Do you want to change first?" He asked.
I sat up. "Do you have something I can borrow?"
"Of course," he said. "Give me just a second."
Chan disappeared down the hallway as I laid down on the pillows again. Weirdly enough, I felt....better now around Chan than I have in a long time, other than when I threw up earlier. I noticed before that when I'm around him, I seem not to hurt as much or notice any nausea. Was being around Chan helping me or making it worse, because every time I am away from him after spending a lot of time with him, the disease's attacks become more threatening and frequent. I rubbed the area where my shoulder met my neck absentmindedly, trying to get rid of the soreness. That was another thing I couldn't feel when Chan was holding my hand. This just doesn't make sense. He rejected wanting a soulmate. I am his soulmate, so how is it that all of this is happening??
Chan walked back into the living room, clothes changed into a black t-shirt and grey sweatpants. He handed me the bundle of clothes he had been carrying as I stood up. "There's a pair of shorts that you should be able to adjust and a hoodie in there," he said.
I looked him up and down. "Aww look at you, branching out," I teased. "You're even wearing pale black!"
He playfully pushed me toward the hallway. "Oh shut up!"
I gave a laugh as I walked away, closing the bathroom door behind me. I quickly changed, slipping off my jeans and dark purple sweater and switching them for a hoodie. Pulling on the shorts and tightening them around my waist, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
I looked completely different than how I did just a few hours ago.
I was still paler than normal but a little bit of color had returned around my cheeks and nose. My eyes were fully open, awake instead of filled with exhaustion. The dark circles under them were still there, but much less noticeable, and a few wisps of hair curled around my face naturally instead of being glued to my skin.
I didn't look sick anymore.
Was this because of him?
How??
I tore my eyes away from the mirror and forced myself to leave the bathroom.
Gone was the sickly appearance I've had probably all day. Gone was the nausea, and the dizziness, and the petals, at least for now. Why now? Why was all of this happening now?
Even as I sat down and Chan turned on the movie he bought, I was distracted by the thoughts running through my head. It was like trying to solve a puzzle you're missing half the pieces in. None of it was fitting with what I already knew.
Beside me, Chan shifted, one hand moving up to rub his shoulder with a frown. I turned my body more toward him. "What's wrong?"
"Just sore," Chan answered. "I only went for half the practice before I ditched, but my back and shoulders are killing me."
Shoulders?
I pointed to the area where my shoulder met my neck. "You mean right here?"
Chan tilted his head. "Yea, almost exactly right there. How did you know?"
Oh no.
Frick.
"Just guessed," I lied.
Chan nodded absentmindedly as he yawned, sliding down a little on the couch so he could rest his head against the back. My eyes were still on him as his eyelids fluttered closed, and I felt myself smile despite everything running through my head. I reached forward, pushing a few strands of hair from his forehead to which he hummed. His breathing slowed, the sounds of the movie becoming background noise as I played with his hair.
I rested my cheek on my fist, arm on the top of the couch. "On a scale from one to ten, how tired are you right now?" I whispered.
Chan's words came out as a mumble. "Eleven."
"You can go to sleep, then," I said.
"No~" Chan dragged out. "I wanted to watch with you."
"Your eyes are closed," I pointed out. A crease formed between his eyebrows so I continued. "Just go to sleep. I'll be here."
"Don't leave."
"I won't." Not yet, at least.
It didn't take long before Chan was asleep.
And I was left alone with my thoughts.
Why is everything so confusing now? I heard him reject his soulmate. I was there when it happened. But the way that he's acting is erasing the lines that I had so carefully drawn for myself. One minute he's with me, and I think we're happy, and the next minute I see him through a restaurant window, sitting across from Ivy. He's taken her out on dates, he walks with her to different places, and from the small details I've gotten from Felix without being suspicious, they are together outside of classes and practice as well. So why everything with me? Am I reading into it because I want so desperately for him to like me back that I see signs that aren't there? Am I so delusional that I am only focusing on the colored petals, forgetting that there are thorns until one day I get pricked? Where is my line? How close will I be able to get before I am hurt?
Or have I already crossed it?
I put a hand to my chest at the memory of the aching pain I felt earlier, and Chan's confused face. The uncomfortable feeling in Chan's neck and back that mirrored my own. The subtle glances at my wrapped up hand that I pretended not to notice but I did. Every lie I said with a straight face because I was scared of not only letting Chan recognize what was happening, but myself as well.
Do I not only lie to those around me, but to myself now too?
My thoughts were a mess of loose strings, everything so jumbled together that I couldn't make sense of it and what it could mean. I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want the small thoughts to escape and run rampant and change everything that was happening, messing with my head and ruining my understanding. I didn't want to give myself an excuse to imagine that things weren't as hopeless as I thought.
But I couldn't deny it anymore.
The pain. The shoulders. The soreness. The cut. The reactions. The mirroring.
My parents could feel each other's emotions.
I can feel Chan's pain.
And even though he rejected me, even though he cut that thread that connected to me....
Somehow, he could feel mine too.
- - _ - - _ - - _ - - _ -- _ - - _ - - _ - - _ - -
Surprise! I updated.
I might be updating more frequently during the holidays, but it all depends on when I get chapters done so be on the lookout.
Also this chapter was way longer than I intended but oh well. Did you catch the hints revealing their soulmate symptom in previous chapters?
*Chan and Haewon used to go to that market everyday after school. They would buy street foods, especially gukhwappang, after a particularly bad day. It is where they went after they fought their senior and Chan gave back Haewon's clips. It is where Chan bought Haewon her butterfly keychain. And, it is where Haewon told him everything about her parents, and Chan held her as she cried. The last time they went there was to celebrate their acceptance to the same university*
Don't forget to like/comment if you liked this chapter!