Diamonds & Pearls

Diamonds & Pearls (22)-The Bitter Taste of Betrayal

Recap: Diamonds & Pearls (21)-You Are Never Alone

 Daleela excels in her training with Cole and Rafiq. She and Cole share a cute moment but the burden of the information she finds on an audio clip from Cole’s necklace weighs heavy on her mind.

 Daleela meets Cole’s mother when she comes to pick up Clover and immediately gains a dislike for her.

 Missing Zayan, Daleela goes into his room for the first time since he’s left. Rafiq finds her and they have a heart to heart conversation. He opens up about spiraling out of control while living in Europe as well as how much he misses Aiken. As Rafiq mourns his death, Daleela reminds him of Allah. Rafiq admits that he thinks Cole and Daleela would make a cool couple if he ever accepted Islam.

 Cole is invited over by Daleela’s mom. He meets Daleela’s parents and they bond over dinner with a few awkward moments. Cole enjoys her family a lot and opens up a lot easier than Daleela thought he would. Daleela finally gathers the courage to tell Cole about his mother’s betrayal and he takes it badly.

 Cole destroys his USB necklace, getting rid of all gathered evidence against the Howards.

 Daleela receives a strange stream of text messages offering her assistance. Suspicious of these anonymous texts, Daleela shrugs them off and tells the person not to text her again.

Diamonds & Pearls

Before You Read: Hey guys! Quick reminder here! If you're delaying a prayer right now to read this story, stop whatever you're doing and go pray! Don't let anything take you away from Allah. Especially not this story. Now if you're all prayed up, go ahead and enjoy this chapter.

 CHAPTER TWENTY TWO-The Bitter Taste of Betrayal

 I sat at lunch alone. I needed time to myself, away from everything and everyone. That’s why I spent the whole time just focusing on my school assignments. My mind slowly but surely filled with the content of my textbooks. I wrote and finished assignments until my hands were tingling as they began to go numb. Amazingly, by the end of lunch I’d finished everything I’d been assigned. For the first time in my life I wished I had more work to do, that way my mind would stay clear of the worries and anxieties that had been haunting me for days.

I got up with my bag and hurried to go pray Thuhr. It had been thirty minutes since the prayer had come in and I’d completely forgotten. I needed a lot more focus than I’d been having lately because if I didn’t focus, I’d forget about things that were very important to me. Prime example; my prayers may Allah forbid. I sighed and emptied my bag into my locker, taking only the books I’d need for the last two periods. I made my way to the storage closet I normally prayed in. I left the door half open as usual. I always did things like this without giving it a second thought. Very small, closed off areas always caused me to freak out but as long as the door was open a little and I could feel a breeze, I was okay. Completely weird, I know. It’s a long story made for another time.

I started my prayer and put all of the focus I could muster into it. Soon enough I was relaxed enough to only think about Allah. I was no longer in the crowded storage closet. I was standing in front of Allah alone in that moment. I prayed that my sincerity was accepted. I asked for forgiveness. I begged for guidance as well. All I wanted was for everything to be okay. That’s all. I only asked for Allah to find me worthy of his love. My heart tingled at the thought of Allah loving me. As I finished my prayer, I felt an ease spread through me. I made thikr and raised my hands in du’aa.

As I stood to leave, I remembered a hadith I had memorized and repeated to myself a billion times.

Abu Hurayrah radiallahu anhu said that Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa’salam said: Allah subhana wa taa’ala said: "Whosoever shows enmity to someone devoted to Me, I shall be at war with him. My servant draws not near to Me with anything more loved by Me than the religious duties I have enjoined upon him, and My servant continues to draw near to Me with supererogatory works so that I shall love him. When I love him, I am his hearing with which he hears, his seeing with which he sees, his hand with which he strikes, and his foot with which he walks. Were he to ask (something) of Me, I would surely give it to him, and were he to ask Me for refuge, I would surely grant him it. I do not hesitate about anything as much as I hesitate about (seizing) the soul of My faithful servant. He hates death, and I hate hurting him."

I remembered reading it in Al-Bukhari right before Rafiq and Juwayrah had come. That same hadith has been a means of comfort for me over these many months. Since then I have made it a mission to memorize the whole hadith and I succeeded somehow, even with all the drama around me. It really struck a chord in my heart as far as knowing the bounty of Allah’s promise. It has kept me going on the days when I was at my very worst and it still does now. One thing that bugged me endlessly was the fact that I had not sat down and read the Qur’an in about a month. I really needed to just put aside the time and sit still. I wanted the peace and quiet thoughtfulness that came with it.

I got to class late and handed my English teacher the excuse I had to be ten minutes late because of prayer. She took it without a word since she was used to it. I took a seat near the classroom door so I’d be able to leave faster when the time came. Every once in a while I caught a glimpse of Cole on the other side of the classroom. He was staring at one spot on his desk during the whole class. He hadn’t looked my way once and from what Rafiq said, he’d been short on conversation since the big revelation about his mom. Dante and Marz were seated in front of him and they kept whispering while stealing worried glances at Cole. I turned back to my work with a sigh. He was avoiding us all and not even sparing a simple hello.

When the bell rang, I picked up my books quickly, prepared to leave the classroom as soon as humanly possible.

A piece of paper floated to the ground, stopping me. I picked it up curiously. There was a locker number on it and the words come at 2:55pm. I turned to look around, hoping to figure out who had left me the anonymous note. I caught Cole’s eye as he was rising from his seat but he quickly looked away before shoving his hands in his pockets and exiting the classroom.

Since I had a free period during this particular afternoon, I went to sit in the courtyard. It was kind of my favorite spot in the whole school. I used to sit kind of behind the school but stopped because Cole had told me it was dangerous. Nobody really hung out around here though. Strangely enough, today the area was nearly empty. I was grateful because I didn’t feel like entertaining people at the moment. So I started on some more school work since I hadn’t brought a Qur’an to school to read. Just as I was finishing up my English assignment, Charice sat down at my table.

“Hey,” She said nervously. I looked up in surprise.

“Oh…hey,” I replied, very much confused as to her presence. She had been avoiding Jade and I for the most part. I rarely saw her unless we were in the same class. I tried to play it cool although I was disappointed in the fact she’d only now made an effort to communicate. But it was better than nothing. “What brings you here on this fine day?”

“I just wanted to see how you were doing and make sure you were okay.” Charice said quietly. For some reason, she refused to make eye contact with me and I found that strange. She was always bold, looking a person straight in the eye when she spoke to them.

“Umm…thank you. I’m fine I guess.” I responded awkwardly. “How are you?”

“I’m good, you know, just trying to get around my parents. They’ve been a bit strict since you guys came over.”

I nodded slightly in understanding. “So is that why you’ve been avoiding us or is there a deeper reason because you still haven’t told us what went down in that school? It’s been so long since you’ve tried to talk to us Char.” I said very stoically. Charice’s eyes held a small bit of nervousness in them. “Why are you still telling us that nobody pushed you? Why did you change your story? I need a real answer.”

“Daleela can we just put that behind us? Why do you and Jade have to know everything?” Charice moaned in annoyance, letting her face into her hands.

“We’re your friends and we care about you. You know what I think Char, I don’t think you’ve been avoiding us because your parents are racist bigots. I think you’re avoiding us because you’re hiding something about that night and you refuse to be confronted about it like a coward.” I said angrily, finally snapping. A hurt look flashed over Charice’s face. I placed a hand over my mouth, my eyes widening slightly. I groaned in disappointment at my behavior. “Oh Allah, Char…I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me. I’ve just been so stressed lately and I let my mouth speak before my mind could catch up.”

“No…you’re absolutely right.” Charice said, her voice quivering slightly. She cleared her throat in an attempt to also clear the conversation. “How are things with Rafiq and Cole?”

I didn’t say anything at first because I still felt terrible for my ridiculous outburst. I really hadn’t meant it. “Everything is okay I guess, things are a bit crazy right now.”

“Oh, I hope things get better.” Charice replied, her voice distant. “So how’s your mom, did she have the baby yet?”

I shook my head. “No, she still has a couple months before the baby comes.” I said with a small smile. “After the baby is born, we’ll have this thing called the Aqiqah for the baby. It’s like a little gathering where you can come and enjoy company as well enjoy the food we’ll provide. It’s like a baby shower after the baby is born. I was wondering if you wanted to come. Jade already said yes.”

“Sure…if you still want me to be there after she has the baby, of course I’ll be there.” Charice said, still not looking me in the eye.

“Of course I’ll want you to come, why wouldn’t I?” I laughed but stopped when Charice expression didn’t change. She cleared her throat again.

“What time do your parents get off of work today?” Charice questioned, quietly. She played with her fingers with what I could only describe as nervousness.

“Um,” I said, thinking hard. “My dad gets off at like eight o’clock tonight. My mom isn’t going in to work this week…but why do you ask?”

“I just wanted to see if I could sneak by but I guess not. I forgot you have to work today anyway.” Charice sighed dramatically. She quickly stood up. “Well I have to get going.” She said, looking somewhere behind me anxiously. I looked back to see what she was looking at but there was nothing there.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.” I said with a small smile.

“Yeah, maybe.” She replied with a small smile in return before quickly walking back into the school. I took a deep breath and finished up my work. I was worried about Char and because of a sudden burst of random annoyance; I’d probably just made things worse between us. I gathered my books sulkily before remembering the note in my pocket. I was curious and couldn’t help myself. What if it was Cole trying to tell me something important?

I hurried off in search of the locker number on the paper. Given that the order of the numbers weren’t for the lockers that we use on a regular basis, I headed to the locker rooms. I passed a few people in the halls who kept staring at me in a way that made me completely uncomfortable. I ignored them though. It wasn’t as if it was something new.

When I got to the locker room, the door was already open. I pushed it aside and walked into the room. My heart raced slightly as I went from one locker aisle to another. Eventually I came to the realization that no one was here. I started walking back toward the exit in disappointment. Was someone really messing with me? I looked down at the time on my phone. It was already 3:00pm, yet whoever had left me that note wasn’t here. I glanced at the note once more. The locker number! Maybe I wasn’t supposed to meet someone. Maybe I was supposed to find something. I went from locker to locker searching for the number 9698. I ran my fingers along the cold metal of several lockers until I got to the one matching the number on the paper.

Unlike every other locker in the room, this one had no secure lock on it.

I thought I heard a strange sound but when I turned, no one was there. I ignored it since I had been way too paranoid lately. I turned back to the locker and slowly opened it. Unfortunately, all of my detective work was futile because the locker was completely empty. I placed a cool hand against my forehead and groaned. What was I thinking would be here anyway, a warrant for Jim and Erik Howards’ arrest? Ha, in my dreams. I leaned forward, trying my best to make sure I wasn’t missing anything.

And that is when I felt a hard shove in my back. Before I could understand what was happening, I felt the door to the locker closing me inside. As soon as the door shut, my mind went into immediate panic mode. I could hear the sound of light chuckling outside. I did my best to turn myself around in the confined space and it was very difficult. My breathing was labored and I was having a hard time taking in oxygen. I peeked through the slits at the top of the locker door and all I could see was the sparkly silver pumps Aimee Hale had worn in English class.

With the flat side of my hand, I started banging on the cold metal in desperation. “Aimee!” I rasped. “Open this door. Do it now!” I screamed. I felt like someone had a firm grip on my lungs and I tried to lean closer to the slits where fresh air came through in an attempt to keep my sanity.

A cold, heartless laugh met my ears. “Oh come on Daleela, you have to admit you brought this one on yourself.” Aimee murmured, moving closer to the locker. “This is really interesting. I guess she was right about you being claustrophobic.” Aimee muttered in amusement. I frantically continued to beat my hands on the walls of the locker. I felt like the walls were closing in on me and I could do nothing to stop them. I was drowning or at least that was the easiest thing to compare this feeling to. I couldn’t breathe correctly no matter how I tried. I closed my eyes as hot tears seeped from them.

“Please…o-open it.” I gasped, fear beginning to consume me. She wouldn’t leave me in here? She couldn’t be that evil. I could hear the sound of her heels clacking away from me and right then I knew that she truly was that evil. Why did I doubt it in the first place? She was Aimee Hale after all. My chest tightened as the walls seemed to begin crushing me. “I’m begging you!” I screamed in tears but all I got in response was the sound of the locker room door closing.

I balled my fist, banging on the door as hard as I could. It was happening again, I could feel it. I hadn’t died last time but surely this time I would. “Aimee!” I screamed once more, praying for her to have a change of heart but she was long gone. “Oh God, Oh Allah,” I whispered, my body becoming increasingly weaker. I couldn’t breathe. Every time I tried, it was an utter and complete failure. I began to wheeze as I continued to beat on the door to the locker.

The fear was building stronger inside of me as flashes of the incident from all those years ago passed through my mind. “Rafiq! Zayan! Somebody please!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. But no one came for me. Just like before, no one could hear my pleading. I began to cry, beating on the walls several more times before giving up completely. I was seeing flashing colors in my vision and my head felt lighter than usual. I could feel myself slipping away as my blinks became a lot slower. My cell phone began to ring but it was on the floor of the locker, unreachable in the tight space. I wouldn’t dare attempt to reach for it. I could feel the sweat building on my skin as I began to shake uncontrollably.

I tried to think of something happy, an open place…a field full of flowers. It didn’t work this time though. Zayan wasn’t here to talk me through this and calm me down. I couldn’t keep the panic at bay. Thinking of an open space wasn’t helping the feeling that the walls around me would squeeze the life out of me. I heard the door to the room burst open. “Daleela! Are you in here?” I heard Rafiq shout out to me. I could barely gather my strength to speak.

“Raf,” I mumbled, my eyes closing. “Rafiq,” I called, hitting my palm against the cold metal once more.

“Daleela, make another sound. I can’t find you.” I heard Rafiq say, full blown panic echoing in his voice. I meekly hit the door a few times more with my fist. A few seconds later he was in front of the locker. I could see his lips through one of the tiny slits in the door. “La, I want you to focus on my voice. Don’t think about what happened. There’s a lock on the door but I’m going to get you out okay.”

I nodded even though he couldn’t see me. “Rafiq…I can’t…breathe.” I cried with much difficulty. I heard him trying to find something to break the lock.

“Daleela it’s in your head. It’s all in your head.” He told me, a desperation ringing in his tone. “Close your eyes and take a deep breath. You can do this; you’re not eight years old anymore!”

I tried to do what he said. I swear I did but it was so hard. I only managed a few shaky breaths before my eyes shot open and I was panicking again. “I can’t…” I sobbed, my body going limp against the door. I could hear Rafiq talking to someone before a new voice met my ears.

“Daleela…can you hear me?” Cole said softly. Why was he here? I didn’t want him here, not while I’m like this. “Daleela,” He repeated, his voice melting against my ears.

“I can hear you.” I responded as loud as I could, which wasn’t very loud at all.

“I want you to press your body against the wall behind you and cover your ears.” Cole ordered gently. I did as he said. “I’m going to get you out. Are you ready?”

“Yes,” I whispered, closing my eyes tightly. There was a loud banging sound and I whimpered at the loudness of it, pressing my hands against my ears. They hit the lock again and I felt like I was literally going to die.

“It’s not working Cole, we should just get the janitor.” I heard Rafiq say, his tone panicked. But the banging did not cease. “Cole, I said it’s not working! If she stays in there too long-“

Right then, a loud cracking sound rang in my ears before I was met with crunching metal. The door swung open on its hinges and Cole stood beside Rafiq breathing heavily. I basically fell out of the locker and Rafiq somehow caught me before I could hit the ground. He hugged me to his chest in relief. I gasped frantically as if I had come from under water, trying my best to take in oxygen. I probably sounded like a washed up sea animal but I could care less. I was alive and breathing. “Ya Allah, ya Rabb.” Rafiq muttered, rocking back and forth with me in his arms. I clutched onto him for dear life until finally, I could breathe again.

“I don’t understand, what’s wrong with her? Why is she so pale?” Cole asked, his questions coming one after the other. Rafiq ran his hand over my cheek, wiping the sweat away. When I had gotten my fill of air, I managed to speak.

“Thank you,” Was pretty much all I could say. Cole rubbed the back of his neck anxiously as he stared at me with honest concern. After that I managed to wrap my arms around Rafiq. He was my anchor right now and I needed to stay planted. He held me close and I could feel his relief in his embrace.

“Are you okay?” He murmured in my ear. I nodded, burying my face in the crook of his neck as I tried not to cry. No, I wasn’t okay. I had been so insanely scared in there that my heart was still beating against my ribcage angrily. Cole crouched down beside us, a disturbed look in his eyes.

“Who did it?” He questioned, doing that familiar Cole eye-glare thing.

“Worrying about me now, are you?” I said jokingly before breaking out in a fit of coughs. Neither of them seemed amused.

“I asked you who did this to you!” Cole shouted at me. I jumped at the sudden noise before sitting up completely.

“You know it was her.” I grumbled, trying to stand. Rafiq helped me by supporting my weight on his shoulder. “Thanks Raf,”

“You saying that b---- locked you in there?” He said in disbelief. I sighed, trying to regain my composure.

“I don’t understand why you’re surprised. She said she would get back at me.” I croaked, walking over to the water fountain in the corner. I needed a sip of water for my parched throat. I heard Cole throw the hammer he’d used to get me out. It hit the concrete floors with a loud smack. I turned to look at him.

“I’m sorry, this is all because of me.” He growled in severe disappointment with himself. “Damn it, this is exactly why you guys should let my problems stay my own.”

“It doesn’t have anything to do with you. This was bound to happen eventually Cole. Both Erik and Aimee have their own reasons to hate me. Most of them have nothing to do with you.” I replied weakly. My voice was rough and it hurt to talk because I’d cried and screamed so much. I headed toward the exit in exhaustion.

“There’s something I don’t understand,” Cole muttered, looking me in my eyes. “Why aren’t you angry? You have a right to be f---ing pissed off right now.”

I allowed him a small smile. “Being angry is so tiring Cole and after what I just went through, I only have the energy to want to go home. I’ll be mad at Hale tomorrow. I’m just way too tired today.”

                  * * *

When I got home, I went straight to the sofa and spread out there. I literally couldn’t make it up the stairs, I was so exhausted. But no matter how hard I tried, closing my eyes wouldn’t bring me sleep. I laid there for about an hour, barely blinking. That time from eight years ago shined brightly in my memory and refused to quit torturing me. I hadn’t had one of these episodes for several years.

The last one I could remember was when I was trying to hide from Zayan a long time ago. I’d slipped under the crawl space below the staircase in our old house. I had been fine until my dad walked by and shut the door, not knowing I was inside. Needless to say, I freaked out and screamed bloody murder. That was the last episode I’d had for six years. I was ten years old at the time and after it happened, I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t stop cry. It didn’t help that my dad wouldn’t stop apologizing for accidently shutting me in there.

My whole family knew I was claustrophobic under certain circumstances but we didn’t talk about it since I rarely had any problems. They always discreetly did things to help me like rolling down the windows in the car when they could or installing a light on the ceiling of the shower.

I think they’d realized that the subject really bothered me and that’s the reason no one spoke on it. I hadn’t thought about it for so long that I’d basically forgotten I’d been diagnosed with claustrophobia. The thing was it only occurred when I was in dark and tight places. I mean, sometimes I got really sick if we rode in the care too long but that even happens to Zayna. Luckily for her, she isn’t anywhere near as bad as me.

I sat up and looked at the time on the cable box. It was seven thirty. I looked over at the house phone longingly. I shouldn’t do it…I shouldn’t bother him. At the same time, the big problem was that I needed my brother’s voice. So selfishly, I picked up the phone and dialed his number. Even as I waited for him to pick up, I felt the tears gathering at the corners of my eyes. In a panic, I attempted to hang up but just as I pulled the phone from my ear I heard him answer. “Hello,” Zayan said in a neutral tone. I hesitated, unsure what to do at this point. “Hello, Ummi is that you?” I heard him ask in confusion. Regretfully, I placed the phone back against my ear.

“N-no, it’s me Zayan.” I responded in a chipper tone. Of course it wasn’t real happiness. It was all for the sake of not worrying him.

“Leels? Ya Allah, it’s good to hear your voice.” Zayan sighed in relief. I was surprised that he didn’t immediately realize something was wrong. Maybe he’d been away for so long that he couldn’t tell the difference anymore. This saddened me but I was all too glad to hear his beautiful voice alhamdullilah.

“Same here,” I replied, choking on a fit of tears and transforming it into what sounded like laughter.

“I was thinking you were so busy you couldn’t spare me a call.” He laughed. His laugh rang in my ears like bells of joy. He was happy and it almost made me smile…almost. “But Leels, your voice sounds really weird. Are you okay?”

“No, no I’m fine!” I said quickly, wiping little tear streaks from my cheeks. “I caught a bad cold fooling around in the snow with Rafiq.” I lied without a second thought. I winced at the fact that I’d just lied to him. It was like a betrayal almost. I rarely ever lied to Zayan. He was such a hard person to lie to without feeling guilty afterwards.

“A cold? Nobody told me you were sick. I would’ve called you sooner. I’m sorry.” Zayan said worriedly. As if on cue, I felt a pang of guilt erupt in my stomach.

“Zayan don’t be silly, it’s just a cold. I’ll be fine in a few days inshallah.” I responded, trying to reassure him.

“Inshallah,” He groaned. “You really need to take care of yourself. Why would you go playing in the snow like that? I bet you stayed out there until you were basically frozen.”

“Yeah,” I finally laughed whole heartedly. “You know I always do Zay.”

“I know,” Zayan responded with a joking disapproval. “One of these days you’ll get hypothermia if I’m not there to tell you to carry your behind inside. Do I need to come home?”

“Of course not Zay. As much as I miss your nagging, you should focus on your career path. That’s what I want to see; you on top of the world inshallah.” I said quietly, biting my lip. What I really wanted to do was beg him to come back but I couldn’t find it in me to do so. He deserved happiness too. He’s going to be nineteen soon and he needs to do this for himself. I get it…I understand. That is why I kept my mouth shut.

“You’re so sweet sometimes, you know that?” Zayan inquired, his tone one of warmth.

“Of course I have my sweet moments; I’m your little sister. I learn from the best.” I mused, smiling to myself. I could hear Zayan’s light chuckle through the phone.

“Stop Leels, you’re making me blush. That’s unmanly.” He mumbled with a cough. I continued to smile to myself in the empty living room. Although I didn’t feel so alone with Zayan’s voice nearby. “What have you been up to trouble maker?”

“This and that, you know. I haven’t been doing anything all that interesting.” I murmured, picking at the edges of the furry blanket I was lying under.

“Mmhmm,” Zayan grumbled, not buying my story. “Daleela you always find something to get into. You’re a troublemaker. It’s in your nature.” We laughed in unison before the laughter slowly faded into silence. “But Leels…I wanted to let you know that Rafiq called me earlier and told me about what happened to y-“

“It was nothing,” I snapped, annoyed Rafiq had called Zayan without my permission. I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. What I’m trying to say is, there is no need to worry. I’m fine now.”

“You know you can talk to me. I was the one who found you when it happened, remember?” Zayan asked softly. I felt the tears coming and tried my best to hold back as memories flooded my mind. Some were good and others absolutely terrifying.

           

When I was eight years old, Zayna, Zayan, and I stayed with our grandmother in the countryside for the summer. Great grandma Skye was related to us on Ummi’s side. She’d invited us to come and spend time with her on her ranch in Oklahoma so she could teach me about our ancestry. She’d inherited the land from her parents whose ancestors were Natchez Indians. When most of their tribe was wiped out by the French, they’d joined the Cherokee tribe after being forcibly relocated to Oklahoma during the Indian Removal Act. I remember being so enthralled by the stories grandma had told us that summer under the star lit skies. We’d all sat around the fire listening to all of her tales on some of the struggles that our Native American ancestors endured.

           

During that summer we met some of our Native American cousins who taught us to swim and do archery. I still remember swimming in the lakes with them, my sister, and my brother like it was yesterday. One thing that Zayna and Zayan got to do that I didn’t was ride horses. I was so jealous watching them race each other and have a great time without me. They’d learned years before because they were older and it was only my first time visiting the ranch. Grandma wanted me to ride just as much as I did but she didn’t have a horse small enough for me at the time. When she’d told me that I had to wait, I cried. I’d stalked up to the room Zayna and I had shared in anger. I was so bitter about it at the time because I thought I knew my limitations better than my guardians. So, like a disobedient child, I went out to the stables and saddled Zayna’s favorite horse Aiko.

It took me a while but eventually I figured out how to get onto the horse. When I finally did though, the horse took off faster than I could comprehend. I tried my best to get it to stop but it wouldn’t listen or comply with me and that’s when I got scared. I tried to imitate the sounds I always heard Zayan make when he rode but it did nothing to slow the animal. Before I knew it, Aiko was running down a path into the deeper parts of the woods. I fell off the horse about a mile into the woods and Allah must’ve been protecting me because I didn’t attain even one scratch from the fall. By then it was completely dark and I’d wandered through the woods aimlessly as I cried out for my parents. I couldn’t see in the dark and ended up tumbling down an old well that hadn’t been used for many years. I’d fallen into the dark, tight pit screaming. I couldn’t see and all I felt surrounding me was one round wall of imprisonment. It took my family ten long hours to find me. I still had a scar on my thigh from falling down that well.

“Daleela, are you there?” Zayan asked through the phone. I snapped back to the present and tried to quietly clear my throat but failed.

“Yeah, I’m here.” I somewhat croaked. Zayan stayed quiet for a second before speaking.

“You were really scared today weren’t you?” He said softly. I bit the inside of my cheek as tears swelled in my eyes.

“Yeah,” I whispered, pulling my knees to my chest.

“It’s okay to be scared Leels but you’re safe and sound now. You’re going to be okay inshallah.” He responded comfortingly. I nodded even though he couldn’t see me.

“I know,” I sniffed, wiping the silent tears as they fell onto my blanket.

“If you feel like something isn’t right or like you’re sick, please don’t stay quiet. Tell Abi immediately, you understand me?” My brother commanded with a strong sense of worry.

“I will,” muttered with another quiet sniff. “I promise you.”

“Good girl,” Zayan murmured a smile in his voice. “Wait Leels, are you crying?”

“Of course not,” I lied, halfway laughing and halfway crying. My lip quivered threateningly and I bit it softly so as not to let out a cry of internal pain. “Zayan,”

“Yes?” He replied curiously. I stared down at my bare toes that peeked from under my blanket nervously, holding the phone to my ear.

“C-can you recite to me please…I can’t sleep.” I asked him timidly.

Zayan hadn’t read or recited Qur’an to me in a long time. It was mainly because he was often busy and I was old enough to read on my own now. But I secretly missed his melodious recitation. It always put me at peace no matter how bad I was feeling.

“You want me to recite to you?” He repeated, unsure if he was right in what he’d heard. I kind of panicked a little.

“I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to. I just thought it would make me sleep a little better but if you’re busy I totally get that. You’re trying to make a better life for yourself and you’re doing stuff, I understand.” I blurted out all at once. I heard Zayan chuckle.

“What are you even talking about? Calm down sis, if you don’t mind my insanely unattractive tajweed then of course I’ll recite for you. It’ll be like old times.” Zayan muttered with an awkward laugh.

“Zayan, you’re an idiot. You recite beautifully mashallah. You always have. It’s one of your few gifts.” I teased, a small smile making its way onto my face.

          

“Oh, so you’re saying my gifts are sparse?” Zayan accused jokingly. We laughed in unison and I felt my heart lighten a bit. “So m’lady, what surah would you like to hear?”

I thought quietly for a few seconds before deciding on a surah. “I want An-Nahl…surah An-Nahl.”

“Coming right up,” He said, amused by my choice. I heard him clearing his throat and rearranging his position through the phone. “A’oothu billahi minaa shaytanir rajeem. Bismillahir rahmanir raheem,”

I laid myself back onto the sofa and put the phone on speaker. I sat it down on the coffee table and pulled the blanket over my body as Zayan began the surah. “Ata amru Allahi fala tastaAAjiloohu subhanahu wataAAala AAamma yushrikoona.”I sighed deeply and closed my eyes.

The command of Allah is coming, so be not impatient for it. Exalted is He and high above what they associate with Him, I thought silently. I’d memorized the English translation as well as the Arabic of many surahs so I could understand them better.

I felt my eyelids grow heavier and my heart lighter. Time seemed to move quicker and soon I could hear that Zayan was on the eighteenth ayat or so. “Wa-in taAAuddoo niAAmata Allahi la tuhsooha inna Allaha laghafoorun raheemun.” He recited clearly. His recitation along with the words of Allah brought tears to my tired eyes as well as comfort to my worn heart.

And if you should count the favors of Allah, you could not enumerate them. Indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.

“Wallahu yaAAlamu matusirroona wama tuAAlinoon.”

And Allah knows what you conceal and what you declare.

“Wallatheena yadAAoona mindooni Allahi la yakhluqoona shay-an wahumyukhlaqoon.”

Those whom they (Al-Mushrikun) invoke besides Allah have not created anything, but are themselves created.

Soon I lost track of what ayat Zayan was on as my mind rested and I allowed the Qur’an to takeover. It’s an amazing feeling when you fall asleep and the only thing that is on your mind is your Lord. Before I realized it I was sleeping. “Daleela,” I heard Zayan’s voice call through the phone.

“Yeah?” I mumbled, my eyes blinking open tiredly.

“You sleep yet?” He asked softly.

“Mmhmm,” I replied, drowsily rearranging my blanket.

“I’m going to go now okay. I love you for the sake of Allah and when you need me, never hesitate to call, you hear?” My brother said with a loving reassurance. I nodded, curling into a ball.

“I love you too Zay,”

“Assalamu alaikum Leels,” Zayan said with a slight note of relief. In my half-conscious mind, I mentally laughed. What, did he think I didn’t love him?

“Wa alaikum assalam.” I responded with closed eyes and a smile. “Thank you.”

                    * * *

I walked up the sidewalk to the school entrance in dread. Yesterday I hadn’t been angry at Aimee but today was a different story. Today, I wanted to wring her neck. As I was walking, I caught a flash of red out of the corner of my eye. I turned my head to see what it was and a serious displeasure met my eyes. Erik was leaning against a red Mustang with black stripes, kissing one of the hundreds of female students that fawned over him. He was kissing her with his eyes open and I watched as he began to kiss her with more enthusiasm while staring at me. A sick smile formed as he continued to kiss the girl, keeping eye contact with me the whole time. He winked at me and a shiver of anxiety went down my spine. Luckily, I felt an arm sling over my shoulder and looked over to see Rafiq’s face. His brown hair tickled my cheek as I watched him glare Erik down. I grinned, grateful that he attended school with me every day.

Once we were inside the school, I walked to my locker quickly, not wanting to run into anymore unwanted company. I got my locker open with impossible speed, slipping the books that I needed into my shoulder bag. I shut the locker, looking over to see if Cole was there, hiding behind the door as was per usual but he wasn’t. Since the night he found out about his mom, he hadn’t been the same. He not being around me was supposed to be a good thing though; it helped me stay steadfast. I guess him not being around was especially good since I had come to care about him so much but it didn’t negate the fact that I felt a loss without him around. He always popped up at some point in my day but not lately. Even after I’d had that whole panic attack situation, he’d disappeared soon after with nothing else to say.

Was it selfish of me to have expected him to come and make sure I was okay? It was stupid and I shouldn’t want him to be around when he makes me feel the things I do but…I can’t stop wondering where he is and how he’s feeling. I groaned inwardly and tried to clear my mind. I was tripping and maybe even going utterly insane. Some months ago Cole would’ve been the last person to cross my mind this way but he had changed into a much more attractive person. Or maybe he was the same but I was just seeing things I hadn’t been able to notice before.

I walked to History class silently. It was first period today for some stupid reason. Unlucky for me, sophomore and junior classes were also being merged in this class, which meant Cole, Erik, and Aimee would be in one place. This was going to suck big time.

I walked into class and a few eyes glanced at me before going about their business. I quietly made my way to a seat in the back of the class. I was purposely wearing my hijab in a hooded style today to somewhat hide my face from the people around me. I heard the heels before I heard the irritating voice. I kept my head down, glaring at my wooden desk and keeping my hands clasped. “Hello Lewis,” A female voice drawled. I said nothing, my jaw clenching. “You seemed a little pale when you left school yesterday. How are you feeling now dear?”

I squeezed my eyes shut as I tried not to leap from my seat and smash her face in. I didn’t want to look up; I refused to give her the satisfaction of acknowledging her existence. I heard her take a seat beside me. Ya Allah, help me…before I break her. “I see you’re not one for small talk today,” She leered at me. I felt her lean in closer and tensed so as not to pin her against the wall. “But you were enunciating so well when you were practically begging me to let you out of that locker yesterday.” Aimee sneered.

“I advise you to get the hell out of my face Hale,” I stated very quietly so she’d be the only one to hear me. She burst into laughter.

“I see you wore your big girl panties today.” She declared with a smirk. Luckily, for the sake of Aimee’s face, the teacher walked inside the classroom. “I guess we can finish this a little later then Lewis.”

I bit my lip and glared up at the board. “Morning class,” The teacher blandly greeted us. “This week we will be studying Iz-lomic culture…“

“Oh God,” I muttered, letting my forehead meet the flat wood of my desk. Not today. I can’t handle so much stupid in one sitting.

I hate when they mention Islam in American history books. A lot of it is straight bull crap. So for half the class I tuned out, ignoring it all. Of course Aimee wasn’t going to let that fly.

“Mr. Harris, I need you to answer a few questions for me.” Aimee interjected while we were in the middle of reading a passage.

“Yes Aimee, ask away.” Mr. Harris replied with a grungy looking smile.

“Well sir, I heard that most Muslim women are oppressed by the men of their religion. Is there any truth to that?” She asked with an unnervingly sympathetic tone. My fingers gripped the pen in my hand a little tighter.

The whole class turned to look at me, including the teacher. I looked from face to face and everyone was seriously curious for my answer. Oh great, so now I’m the source of all knowledge on Islam. My eyes searched for Cole’s but his eyes were shut and he had on headphones. There would be no back up on this one.

“Daleela, since you might have the firsthand point of view. Why don’t you answer that question?” Mr. Harris suggested. Really teacher, are you serious? I slammed my history book shut and slouched back in my seat. They wanted a piece of my mind. Well today they would get it.

“No, I’m not oppressed if that’s what you’re all thinking.” I assured, attitude laced in my tone. I tried my best not to glare at every single person staring at me. “Islam does not allow oppression of any kind. It is forbidden and condemned by God himself. As far as the males in particular being the oppressors, that sounds like slander doesn’t it? Women have a high standing in Islam and our men treat us with respect. We’re their advisors when they aren’t thinking straight and we are their mothers as well as the mothers of their children so what right do they have to oppress us? We are meant to be treated like treasure because that is what we are. Islam also gives a high standing to the mothers in particular. Did you know that in Islam our mothers have more rights over us than our fathers? Why do they have more rights? Because we recognize the fact that our mothers went through the pain of giving birth to us, losing sleep over us, crying over us when we are sick, and raising us. We believe that heaven lies at your mother’s feet, which means that she is one of your opportunities to reach paradise. If you please her, God will be pleased with you. You aren’t even allowed to raise your voice at her, let alone a hand. So how can a man oppress a woman in our religion and God still be pleased with him? Oppression has no place in Islam and a human being has no higher rank over another human being except by the level of piety in his heart. Only God alone  knows how pious anyone truly is.” I ranted in pure annoyance.

There was a long silence as everyone watched me with raised eyebrows. Yes, the Muslim girl speaks and she’s tired of taking all of your sh--. “What if your mom’s a b----? Does ‘heaven’ still quote on quote lie at her feet.” I heard Erik chuckle in the background.

“No cursing in my class Erik.” Mr. Harris said halfheartedly. Erik ignored the teacher and turned to me with a patronizing grin. I tried not to squirm in my seat.

“I heard that your religion allows men to marry up to four women?” Erik said with a wry smirk, his blonde hair neatly combed over one eye. I swear to Allah that I hate him.

“Yes, that’s true.” I said, not denying it.

“What the hell?” I heard a few girls mutter. I just rolled my eyes. I wanted to mention that polygamy doesn’t just exist in Islam but refrained from doing so.

“Where do I sign up?” Erik chuckled, his buddies laughing their behinds off. I clenched my fists in anger.

“That’s disgusting,” Aimee snapped, flipping her dark hair over her shoulder. No Aimee, what’s disgusting is your cleavage spilling out onto your desk for all to view, I thought in aggravation. “How can you say you’re not oppressed if such a thing is allowed in your religion?”

“Think what you like but this type of thing can be a mercy for some women.” I replied, not allowing myself to be affected by the judgmental gazes being pointed my way. “Did you ever think of the women who are widowed and have children to be cared for? Some can’t afford to work and care for their children at the same time. It’s harder for them to find a new spouse to help them and care for them as well as their children. If a man has good intentions and he marries her, it will be of benefit to both of them. He will be doing a good deed and the widow and her children will be cared for. If a man has a wife who is barren or in other words can’t have children, he might marry another so that he may have children and not separate with the one he loves. Anyway, a man can’t marry more than one woman if he cannot treat them all equally. He also has to have enough money to care for them, which isn’t often in this day and time anyhow. It’s not as simple as you all make it out to be.”

Some people still seemed to hold an en extreme dislike of the idea but that was expected. Some others seemed slightly more understanding and for that I was relieved. That was my only point in speaking up. “Do you mind telling us why you wear that burqa thing?” One blonde girl spoke up from the front of the class.

I tried not to laugh. “It’s not a burqa.” I responded calmly. “This scarf is called a hijab and this dress is called an abaya or jilbab. A burqa covers you from head to toe. Anyway, I wear this first and foremost for God. He commanded me to cover my body and protect my modesty. At the same time, it also protects my honor and doesn’t leave much for the disrespectful eyes that may potentially try to roam over my…assets. I have all control over what guys do and don’t see. And contrary to popular belief, I do not wear this because men can’t control their desires. I want my future husband to be the only one to enjoy my beauty and I think that it’s my right to save my body for someone special if I see fit. Think of it this way. Just like you all have a right to show as much skin as you prefer, I have a right to cover as much skin as I prefer. It’s pretty empowering if you think about it but to each his own.” I sighed and shrugged.

“Ladies don’t listen to her, we like your assets just the way they are; out in the open, ready and waiting.” Erik insisted with a smirk. I tried my best not to gag. A few girls giggled but not many. I saw Erik grimace in annoyance at this.

“She sounds very intelligent if you ask me.” A Spanish girl said, zipped up her jacket in disgust, covering her chest. I smiled to myself, looking down at my desk.

“But why don’t men have to wear that too? Isn’t that unfair?” Angela, Aimee’s groupie asked.

“Muslim men have a dress code too. They can’t show anything between their navel and knees. They’re also supposed to grow their beards as well, which is kind of like their own mini hijab if you ask me. The reason they don’t have as strict a dress code as the women is because of several reasons. In Islam a man is obligated to work and take care of his wife and children to the best of his ability. A woman on the other hand has the option to work or not. A man’s job can vary from laborious work to a job behind a desk but I’m pretty sure it would be a lot more difficult for him if he were trying to work in this on a construction site or something.” I explained, gesturing to my clothes. “Not to mention how weird and awkward a man would look in female attire. But that isn’t the only reason. I don’t know if you guys have noticed but men and women are made completely different. Women, we’re made with a natural beauty that men just don’t possess.

Not to say men are ugly…but they aren’t pretty, I guess you could say, like women. They weren’t made to be pretty anyway. Plus men don’t really have boobs, voluptuous behinds, and insanely sexy curves last time I checked.”

I earned a few laughs here and there and a lot people seemed to be interested in what I had to say. I liked the feeling that they were actually listening, even if some of the questions they asked weren’t asked in the kindest manner. “Is Islam peaceful or is that a pretense? Doesn’t your Koran say to kill all the infidels or something? That’s what my uncle is always saying.” A guy with blue hair asked. He had on dark eyeliner and a fitted cap.

“You know what’s funny,” I said reflectively. The boy with dark eyeliner never took his eyes off me. “I’ve never heard a Muslim say the word infidel in my whole sixteen years of living. It’s always used by people who aren’t Muslim to explain the way they believe Muslims think of them. There are a lot, and when I say a lot I mean plenty, of people out there who hate my religion without learning about it. And you know what they do? They take the words of our holy book and switch them to fit their bogus points but if you actually find the parts of the Qur’an they took their fake proof from and read everything before and after it, you’ll see the great lies they’ve told. Islam is nothing but peace. We do not promote violence and most of the so called proofs that people present to say that Islam is not peaceful are from chapters telling the believers that if they are attacked or threatened first, they are permitted to defend themselves only by necessary means. Even if we must go to war with someone else, it isn’t permissible to harm the women, children, and elderly of the opposing side like you see many people do today. Does this answer your question? I can bring the Qur’an and show you if you bring whatever you’ve read that states your point.” I smiled, daring someone to try me. I could easily prove them wrong, inshallah.

“Actually yeah, can you show me some time tomorrow?” The blue haired boy asked sincerely. I nodded with a smile.

The bell rang and I got up first. Everyone kind of watched me as I walked past the teacher. I stopped with my hand on the knob before looking back at him. “Mr. Harris, I’d appreciate it if I didn’t have to teach class tomorrow. With all due respect, I’m a student.” I murmured politely before turning to everyone else. “By the way guys, it really isn’t Muslim men that oppress Muslim women. It’s the ignorance of the people who actually believe that we’re oppressed. Just like you did today, try asking a real Muslim instead of guessing and making up your own theories. I think a lot of Muslims would appreciate that.”

I left the classroom and once I made it outside, I let out a deep sigh of pent up anxiety. That was crazy and I kind of felt like I was about to throw up from nervousness. My hands were shaking visibly. But hopefully less people will look down on me and Aimee can finally shut the bleep up. I was elated by the fact that my parents had taught me an understanding of my religion and I had to admit that I felt pretty badass being able to answer every question thrown my way respectively. It felt fantastically exhilarating. I was surprised I’d kept my poker face up for so long. But even more so, I was surprised I’d gotten through first period without killing Aimee Hale. Kudos to me!

                       * * *

It was finally the end of the school day and I was mindlessly walking around with nothing to do. I’d talked to Jade at lunch but there was no sign of Charice. Did she hate us for caring about her? I wish she’d just open up and tell us why she was lying to us about being pushed down the stairs. It was killing me knowing that she was hiding things from us. It was just my luck that Charice found me on my way to the library.

“Hey Daleela,” She said, her blond hair windswept and her breathing labored. I looked her over and she didn’t look like the usual well put together Charice.

“Hey…are you okay?” I questioned, grabbing a piece of gravel out of her hair. “Where have you been? You look roughed up.”

Charice shrugged. “I’m fine, just having a bad hair day is all.” She replied, running a hand through her roused locks. “So, when does your dad get off of work again? You did say he works at Google right?”

I looked her over worriedly before starting to brush the dirt off of her outfit. “I told you, he gets off at eight and yeah he works at Google. But I can’t understand what’s so important about that.” I mumbled.

Charice’s phone buzzed and a Christina Perri song played. The alarm on her face would’ve made you think that the song was a call to death. She quickly snatched the phone from her jacket pocket. After staring at the caller I.D. for a long while, she finally answered it. “Yes?” She said, her hand shaking slightly.

“I’m coming out now.”

The phone hung up and she pulled it away from her face. “Char, what’s wrong?” I asked but she didn’t seem to hear me.

“I have to go.” Charice stated blatantly before hurrying down the hallway opposite of me. I stood there in confusion. What was going on here? Why was she acting so freaking weird? Before I could ponder on it further, a loud crashing sound erupted from the library down the hall. I turned in that direction, confused by the sudden flock of students heading that way. I ran after them, Charice momentarily forgotten.

Many more crashes could be heard as I ran towards the library. Once I got there, people were crowding the doorway completely. I tried to push through but to no avail. Rafiq had somehow got wind of the situation and was running toward me. “What’s going on?” He asked, his breathing unsteady. I shook my head, breathless myself.

“I’m not sure. I can’t see.” I responded worriedly. Rafiq looked around for a familiar face.

“I have an idea, come here.” Raf said, basically grabbing me.

“Hey!” I snapped but he wasn’t listening.

“You’re too heavy for my shoulders. Get on my back, put your feet in my hands, and tell me what you see.” He encouraged, gesturing for me to hurry. I did as he said even though I had a gut feeling he’d drop me. Surprisingly enough, he didn’t have that much of a hard time holding me up. Right, he’s a boxer. “What do you see?” Rafiq grunted under my weight. I tried to balance and then finally I could see over everyone’s heads.

“Oh my God, Raf it’s Cole!” I shouted in alarm. Inside the library it was a mess. Books were thrown everywhere and Cole was slamming some poor kid onto one of the study tables causing one of its legs to give out.

“W-what?” Rafiq stuttered before putting me down.

“It’s Cole; he’s in there fighting some kid.” I repeated, unable to understand what was going on. Before I knew it, Raf was pushing his way through the crowd mercilessly. I tried to keep up and eventually with a lot of pushing and shoving, I made it through.

The guy Cole had been fighting was on top of him, punching him in the face violently. Cole’s face was a bloody mess and so was the other guy’s. The guy on top of Cole stood and starting stumbling away. Cole stayed on the ground for a second moaning in pain before he stood up himself, trying his best to catch his balance. He ran towards the other guy yelling and gripped him around the waist before tackling him to the ground. I held my hands over my mouth as I watched in horror. People around me were egging the fight on and the library was an utter trash heap of books and broken furniture. Cole grabbed the guy up by the collar and dragged him down a row of books.

The librarian was trying her best to stop the fight but she was such a soft spoken soul. She’d get hurt before she could actually stop the fighting. When Cole lifted a chair into the air, my heart nearly leaped out of my chest. “Stop,” I said, my voice ringing out. Several people looked at me like I was being ridiculous for trying to ruin the fun. Cole slammed the chair down but luckily, the boy rolled out the way. The chair shattered into chunks of splintered wood. “I said stop it!” I shouted angrily. I saw the principal burst through the crowd of teenagers out of the corner of my eye. Cole meanwhile had the guy slung over his shoulder, preparing to slam him to the ground.

“Brackson!” The principal shouted, his voice booming through us all. “Get your hands off of that student or you are expelled, no questions asked.”

Cole’s body tensed and he dropped the guy he’d been fighting in aggravation. He turned to look at everyone, blood dripping from his face onto his white sleeveless shirt. I noticed for the first time that he had a tattoo on his right arm. I couldn’t tell what it was from this distance. He started walking toward the principal slowly. Several people took a few steps backward in fear. “Expel me sir, I don’t even have a reason to be in this f---ing school anyway.” Cole muttered in a strangely respectful tone. I watched him walk past me and out of the library. As he pushed past the other students, they parted like an ocean not wanting to touch him.

“Brackson…Brackson! Cole!” The principal shouted after him. “Damn it.”

Rafiq and I rushed after him as he stalked out of the rear school exit. I pushed the double doors open and Raf followed close behind. “Cole wait!’ I called after him but he refused to stop. Rafiq ran ahead of me and grabbed ahold of Cole’s arm, pulling him to a stop. He jerked away from Rafiq angrily.

“What the hell is wrong with you man?” Rafiq questioned. Cole tried to keep walking but Rafiq wasn’t having any of that. “I’m talking to you!”

Rafiq grabbed onto his shoulder and this time Cole swung on him, hitting him square in the chest. I gasped, running to my Rafiq’s side as he hit the ground. Cole looked surprised, almost like he was confused about who’d done it. He walked forward hesitantly. “Raf, I’m sorry man-“

“Don’t touch him, just don’t okay.” I snapped in a temporary moment of anger. I turned to Rafiq. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” He responded with a cough. He stood up without any problems and I sighed, relieved. I turned to Cole in annoyance.

“That’s twice that you’ve hurt one of my brothers so you better have a good reason for acting like such an ass Cole. When you left our house, I told you to go and find healing, not go around beating people up and reverting to your old ways.” I stated, trying not to sound as angry as I felt.

“I told you two to just leave me alone.” Cole groaned, holding his head.

“And we told you that you’re family now and family doesn’t leave family behind.” I replied without skipping a beat. He glared down at the concrete before dropping onto one of the school steps.

“Why were you even fighting?” Rafiq asked him with a deep groan. Cole let his head drop, his fingers going through his thick black hair.

“I lost control of my anger,” He muttered, his face hidden from us. “That guy called my brother a murderer and I just lost it.”

I felt my heart soften for a moment. Rafiq stood closer to him and sighed deeply. “We know who your brother was and I understand why you were pissed but Cole, you’re going to end up expelled for real if you don’t knock it off.”

“I don’t care anymore,” He announced, lifting his head to look at us. “What is the point of all of this? I finish school and then what. Work for some fancy company like your parents? That kind of thing is only a dream for me. If I’m lucky, I’ll become a garbage man or some simple sh—like that.”

“You’re being ridiculous,” I insisted, unhappy with his dejected tone.

Cole stood up and laughed bitterly. “I’m being ridiculous?” He said in disbelief. “Maybe I’m being realistic Daleela. I can’t be what you want me to be all the freaking time. I’m not going to become the prince charming you’re waiting for so why don’t you just leave me alone! I was born to live a sh—life and that has become more apparent with every passing day. I’m not meant to be happy like you and Rafiq. You have this beautiful outlook on life because you’ve never been through the kind of pain that I have. All that this pain has done is made me realize that the world I live in isn’t like the one you live in and it never will be.”

I stared into his eyes for a long time before grabbing my bag off the ground and glaring at the sidewalk. This new pessimistic Cole was slowly killing me. Since I’d met him he’d always been strong. But right now he was a complete mess. “I can’t stand this anymore.” I murmured with a deep sigh. Cole said nothing and Rafiq sat down beside his best friend. I crouched on the ground a few feet in front of him, biting my lip nervously as I tried to find the proper way to comfort him.

“What is hurting you the most right now? You can tell us.”

“I don’t want to talk about this right now so can you just shut up Daleela. You’re not f---ing Oprah!” Cole shouted sharply, shooting up from his seat on the stone stairs. I stood there with my mouth ajar, unsure what I’d done to make him so angry.

“Cole, chill the hell out man. What’s your problem, yelling at her like that?” Rafiq said angrily, ready to defend me. I held up a hand to Rafiq and turned to Cole.

“Your sister misses you.” I said out of the blue. Cole’s eyes shot up to look at me in confusion.

Cole looked a little overwhelmed and severely bewildered. “W-what do you mean?”

“Clover…she’s signed up at the day care I work for.” I replied, my heart skipping a beat. I should have said something a long time ago but for some reason I’d kept it to myself all this time.

“For how long?” He whispered, his eyes glistening. I was confused by his reaction. It wasn’t supposed to be so…like this. “How long has she been there?”

“I don’t know. Before I started the job till now, she’s been there. Your step dad picks her up usually but recently it’s been your mom.” I said, rubbing the back of my neck through my hijab awkwardly.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked, wiping a hand over his pale face.

“You were so worried and busy with the evidence thing-” I tried to say but he interrupted me.

“Do you know that I haven’t seen her face in almost a month? My mother lied to me…again.” Cole groaned angrily. He placed his hands in his pockets and took in a long breath. “She told me Clover was in California with Grams. Why would she lie about that?” He said more to his self than to us.

“You haven’t seen her? I didn’t know. I swear I would have told you sooner if I knew.” I said quickly, my heart aching. “Clover talks about you always. She really wants to see you.”

Cole ran a hand through his dark hair before looking at me with pleading eyes. “Take me to her, please.” He basically begged. “I need to see with my own eyes that she’s okay. I can’t trust my mother with that responsibility anymore.”

“S-sure, we can go now.” I responded with a small smile. The corner of his mouth was just starting to lift in a relieved smile when all of a sudden the sound of screeching tires met our ears. I clenched my jaw, the sound giving me the creeps. I turned to see a deep blue sports car parked crookedly on the side of the road. Cole saw the car and his eyes widened tenfold. I heard him swear under his breath.

“Rafiq, get her out of here.” Cole said frantically. The panic in his eyes was serious. Nothing was more real to me in that moment than that sense of panic.

“What’s going on?” Raf and I asked in unison. Cole was breathing hard, trying to block me from the car’s view.

“Take her and go, now! They can’t see her…either of you! Just get out of sight!” He said desperately. Rafiq grabbed me but I couldn’t move when I saw the person who got out of the driver’s side of the blue car. It was Jim, Cole’s step dad. My bones suddenly went rigid as a cold fear crept up my back. Why was I so afraid of him?

“You little asshole!” Jim shouted in fury. Rafiq pulled me along toward the stairs. I watched as Alayna emerged from the same blue car and walked toward her son, her jewelry clinking. Jim was about to hit Cole but Alayna grabbed onto his arm.

“I can handle disciplining him myself.” She snapped irritably. Jim glared at her as he lowered his hand. Alayna turned to Cole with hard green eyes. “What did you do?”

“Nothing,” Cole replied, his voice turning cold. Rafiq kept pulling me until we were on the opposite side of the stone steps. A loud smacking sound met our ears. I looked back and Cole was glaring to the side, his face red. She’d actually hit him.

“Don’t you dare lie to me after I’ve given up so much for you!” She hissed in disgust. I watched in disbelief and so did Rafiq. “Now tell me why the hell this school is calling me, asking for two thousand dollars?”

Cole spit blood to the side and glared up at her angrily. He was still scarred and bleeding from the library fight. “You want to know why?” He breathed, an annoyed look on his face. “I got in a fight and destroyed most of the school library. Ah and some jock is probably going to sue us because I beat the hell out of him as well. Anything else?”

“Jim, can you go and see what’s going on with the principal?” Alayna asked through gritted teeth. “I need to deal with this alone.”

His step dad scowled, leaning against the blue sports car. “You’d better take care of it.” He responded curtly. Jim walked up to Cole and pushed his head with brute force. I knew it hurt because Cole winced ever so slightly. “Because if this punk does anything else, I swear to god he’s dead.” I knew that the threat was real as soon as I heard it. Jim literally meant he’d have Cole killed. I felt my heart skip several beats.

Cole’s jaw clenched tightly as Jim Howards walked up the stone stairway and into the school. Rafiq and I ducked backward to hide from his glaring blue eyes. After he was gone, we leaned forward once more to see what was happening. Alayna was staring after Jim before her gaze changed. She grabbed Cole’s face in her hands desperately. “My baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hit you.” She exclaimed, looking into his eyes nervously. “You forgive me don’t you?”

Cole grabbed her hands and slowly removed them from his face with a grimace. He swallowed deeply before responding. “I know,” He said distantly before taking a step back. She took a hold of Cole’s hand and I saw him stiffening visibly as she pulled him into a hug.

“I love you Cole but you’re making things difficult. He’s going to kick you out if you keep doing stupid things like this.” Alayna murmured. Her concern felt almost forced. She had her arms wrapped around Cole but Cole’s arms stayed at his sides, not returning the embrace.

“He doesn’t have to kick me out.” Cole informed as he gently pushed away from her. He placed a hesitant hand on her cheek. “I’ll leave by my own choice…we can all leave together. I have some money that Aiken left-”

Even though Cole was offering his mother a chance to redeem herself, I could see the refusal plain on her pale face. “No,” His mother interrupted firmly, her face one of stoic determination. Cole let his hand drop from her face in utter shock at her tone. “We’re not leaving Cole. That’s ridiculous. I’m happy where I am.”

Cole shook his head in anger. “He bruises you up but as long as he buys you nice clothes you’re happy? That’s fine, you can be happy living like that. You know, since your happiness is all that f---ing matters, right?” He raged and started walking away.

“Sweetheart you can be happy too. You just have to give it a chance. We’re going to be rich soon and I’ll buy you everything you want.” Alayna called after him. When Cole didn’t respond, she ran after him, grabbing onto his arm in needy desperation. He yanked away from her mercilessly.

“Give it a chance?” He scoffed in disbelief. “For three years I gave this cruel life a chance. I don’t want that filthy money and I don’t want to know about all the evil things you and your wretched husband are doing to get it. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to act like a real mother. You don’t love us. You didn’t love dad! You don’t care about anyone but your damn self so stop acting like you give a sh—about my wellbeing!” Cole shouted, peeling his mother’s clinging hands off of him. She let him go in shock before an angry scowl appeared on her face, replacing the fake expression of care it’d held before.

“I’m not a real mother? I’m doing this for you…your brothers and your sister.” She spat in tears, pushing Cole backward. She hit him and punched him lamely before Cole grabbed her arms tightly, restricting her movement.

“Don’t use us as an excuse anymore. It’s pathetic.” He growled in disgust before roughly releasing her. His mother held her wrists in pain. He began to walk away once more.

“You father would have been ashamed of you.” Alayna whispered cruelly. “He wouldn’t even be able to look at a son like you!” Cole kept walking, ignoring her. When he didn’t turn, her face turned completely cold. “Your father died because of you Cole, so don't act like this situation is my doing!”

Cole froze mid-step. Alayna looked satisfied in a twisted way. “Yeah that’s right. He’s dead because of you.” She taunted with a shaky voice. “I told you to stay with him while I went out. I told you to keep him company but you didn’t do that did you. He needed your help but you came too late-”

“Shut up!” Cole roared, turning to face her. Tears were streaming from his eyes. He lifted his hands and held his head like it was pounding. “That was not my fault! It had nothing to do with me…it wasn’t my fault.”

“You’re a murderer just like your brother.” His mother shouted. My mouth gaped open and I tried to stand as Cole dropped to his knees, still holding his head. Rafiq wouldn’t let me go to him and I knew I shouldn’t anyway but this was too painful to watch. Rafiq held me to him and I fought his vice grip. I wanted to tell Cole that she was a liar but I couldn’t. “I’ve moved heaven and earth to make this family whole again but you just can’t stand to see me happy can you?”

“Stop it,” Cole begged, tears streaming from his brown eyes. He was in agony. “Why are you being like this? I’ve made sacrifices for you too.”

“Sacrifices? You don’t know the first thing about sacrifice. I’m doing this because you’re an ungrateful child and you need to learn some respect. I am the only reason that you’re alive Cole.” She replied, flipping her dark hair over her shoulder. “I’ve tried to be nice. Don’t say I haven’t. This is called tough love sweetheart.”

Alayna walked over to Cole, crouching beside him. She pulled him close to her and ran her fingers through his hair. He tried to push her away. “D-don’t,” Cole stammered, doing his best to push her off but she wouldn’t let go no matter what.

“Shh,” Alayna hushed him, hugging him closely. “It may be your fault that your dad is dead Cole but I forgive you. I forgive you baby.”

It was official for me; this woman was completely insane. She fit right in with the Howard family. Cole was literally sobbing harder than I’d ever witnessed before. “I was twelve years old, it wasn’t my fault.” He trembled, his face soaked with tears. “He said it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t mean to leave him alone.”

Alayna patted his head lightly. “Of course it wasn’t.” She said patronizingly. I gritted my teeth just watching her manipulate him that way. Cole didn’t kill his father! He wasn’t to blame. His father had cancer. By Allah’s will, it was his time to go. I tried to stand but Rafiq roughly pulled me back. I pulled against him before he grabbed my shoulders, turning me to face him.

I turned to him with tears in my eyes. “She’s lying to him, I know it.” I whispered angrily.

“I know.” Rafiq responded, his jaw clenched. “What happened to his father wasn’t his fault at all. Aiken told me the story. His mother is manipulating him. Cole’s memory of that time isn’t good. She’s filling in the gaps with lies. She knows that he knows the truth about her.”

“We’ve got to do something!” I whispered anxiously as I tried to stand again. Rafiq grabbed my upper arms, shaking me lightly.

“Daleela focus,” He said urgently. He cupped my face in his hands, forcing me to look into his eyes. “You see Cole is changing, don’t you? He’s lost all hope and he’s hit an all-time low. We can help him but we have to do it ourselves. I don’t think he’s thinking straight anymore.”

I let out a small sob. “She’s hurting him.”

“I know it hurts to watch but what other choice do we have? If she sees you or me, she’ll know our faces in the future. It’ll be easier if they can’t figure out how they’re being attacked or where the attack is coming from. We’ll help him, I promise. But you can’t keep mindlessly putting yourself in danger like this. Do you understand me?” Rafiq said sternly. I nodded reluctantly as he wiped my tears with his thumbs.

Rafiq dug through his pockets before finally pulling out his cell phone. He dialed a number then brought the phone to his ear. “Dante, I think Cole’s going to need you and Marz. Did you hear about the fight?” He asked as I peeked around the stone steps. Cole was standing now and his mother was saying something to him, his face in her hands. He held a blank expression as his mother walked into the school. Cole sank to the ground near a wire fence. I hurried from my spot to where he was without Rafiq’s permission.

“Are you okay?” I asked him breathlessly. He closed his eyes tightly.

“Why are you still here Daleela?” He sighed, letting his head fall back against the fence.

“I asked you if you were okay.” I said, nearly yelling. He opened his eyes but didn’t look at me.

“I don’t know. I’m not…completely sure what okay is anymore.” Cole muttered with a humorless laugh. His distant eyes were two deeply depressed pools of endless pain.

“Let’s go see Clover,” I insisted desperately. I turned to start walking toward the subway, praying that he’d follow but instead I felt a soft tug on my jilbab. I turned to see Cole holding onto the fabric at the bottom edge of my dress. He was shaking his head.

“I changed my mind. Let’s not do that.” Cole said softly. He let go of my jilbab, leaving it to blow in the late winter wind. I stood there in shock, my eyebrows furrowing.

“I’m confused. You don’t want to see her?” I whispered, finally seeing how hopeless Cole really was. He picked up a pebble on the ground and threw it down the sidewalk absentmindedly.

“Of course I do,” Cole replied emptily. “But now I realize it’s better that she doesn’t see me.”

“How can you say that?” I exclaimed in distress. I felt dizzy all of a sudden as I clutched the wire fence. “She wants to see you and you want to see her. What’s the problem?”

“I’m the problem,” He sighed deeply. It took me a second to process his statement.

“Cole,” I groaned, trying to stay calm. “Don’t you see what’s happening? Your mother is making you believe that you’re worse than she is when you have done nothing wrong!”

“Daleela, you barely know me.” He murmured, throwing another pebble. “You don’t know about the things I’ve done. You don’t know about my past.”

“I don’t need to know, I honestly don’t. I trust the person I’ve slowly uncovered these past months, the person sitting before me. I believe he can become someone great. Why should his past matter? Why can’t we think about fixing what is now to create a better future?” I responded with firm persistence.

Cole smiled sadly. “You make anything sound possible.” He then let his gaze fall as he frowned at the ground. “You’re so beautiful…I swear you make me wonder if you’re real sometimes.”

I stared at him in shock over his blunt statement. He slowly clambered to his feet before turning to face me. “It’s because you’re so beautiful inside and out that I really wish you’d keep better company.”

“Cole-” I started but he raised a hand to silence me.

“You’re not supposed to be around me anyway right? That makes it much easier to do this.” He replied with a weak smirk that shadowed the same wolfish grin he used to give me. “I’m going to leave for a while but before I go, I need you to know that when I come back…I’m going to act like I don’t know you. I’m going to forget about you and I want you to forget about me. You understand?”

“That’s not fair,” I snapped, my throat feeling drier by the second. I felt light headed, angry, and confused all at once. You can’t just come into someone’s life and then dip out when you feel like it, I wanted to shout. But instead I held my tongue.

“I’m trying to do the right thing by you. Don’t make it harder than it already is.” He replied with a deep sense of guilt. His hands were twitching as if he were trying to keep himself from doing something.

“Okay fine,” I said, my eyes burning. “I won’t make this about me but what about Rode, Kale, and Clover? How are they going to survive without you?”

“They’ll be fine. I’ll get Marz and Dante to check on them every few days.” Cole answered with mild reassurance. I fiddled with my hands, causing my charm bracelet to jingle noticeably. He looked down at my wrist and his jaw clenched as he opened his mouth to say something. I could see that he was having a hard time getting it out. “I’m going to need that back.”

I followed his eyes and realized he was looking at my bracelet. I protectively covered my wrist with my left hand, shaking my head. “What? No…you can’t just take away something you gave me.” I replied in mild defiance. “T-that’s not how things work.”

“Then return it to me. So I won’t be taking it, give it back to me instead.” Cole said quietly. “I want everything about me gone from your presence. Believe me, that meant a lot more than you could ever know but I need you to be the strong one and give it to me. I can’t touch you, remember? So you have to hand it over.”

I could see Rafiq standing a few feet away watching us carefully. I lifted my right hand and blindly unclasped the wolf charm. After many failed attempts, it finally came off. I held it in my fist for a second. It was mine…he couldn’t do this. With a shaky grip I dropped the charm into Cole’s waiting hand anyway. His long fingers closed around the shiny charm and I closed my eyes.

“You’ve been planning this for a while right?” I murmured, clutching the fabric of my jilbab. My lashes were soaked with oncoming tears. I let my head fall as an angry tear finally managed to slip down my cheek.

“Yeah,” I heard him say in a regretful tone. I quickly wiped the tear away with a sniff and lifted my head. I clenched my jaw, trying not to look the way I felt. “I can’t be here. It’s just too much, you know?”

I nodded, looking everywhere but at him. “Well, take care.” I declared, my voice distant.

“I will,” He replied, his voice insinuating he wanted to say more. I took a deep breath, straitened my back, and forced a smile onto my face. His face changed to one of hidden emotion and when I looked in his eyes, all I saw was something broken and far away from my grasp. Why hadn’t I noticed it before? “It was nice having you care about me while it lasted but from now on, I’m personally asking you not to do that anymore.”

“You’re right. I should stop.” I responded, my heart beating hard. This should stop. Slowly, I was coming to an important realization. What was I doing here? I was desperately clinging to a person that I wasn’t even supposed to be involved with. This was the wrong that I’d been running from for so long. When had I just stopped running and given in to these feelings. Talking to him, thinking about him, evolving around him…when did it start? Where does it end? Reality slapped me in the face hard. I’m not nearly as strong as I once thought I was.

Cole smirked as if it were hurting him. “Good, that’s good.” He said, making a huge effort to look reassuring.

I opened my mouth to speak but no words came. I tried to console myself into actually saying something good…something two people should say when parting. Unfortunately, my mind refused to function correctly. “Goodbye,” I whispered before turning on my heels and bolting down the sidewalk.

                    * * *

I sat at the dinner table pushing sweet peas around on my plate. It was just Rafiq, Ummi, and I eating tonight. Abi was late today for some strange reason. No one spoke and it just gave my mind more time to think about Cole leaving. I was worried about several things but the most recent worry was over the strength of my faith. I’d lost something that I’d tried so hard to keep; the shield that was part of my modesty. Over time Cole had become the norm for me. Talking to him and being around him became a lot less difficult for me and that frightened me a little. I’d let myself fall so fast in such a short time. I felt like I’d shamed myself in the eyes of Allah and Cole leaving was a good time for me to rethink things. I needed to repent and ask Allah for guidance because I needed it.

“Something’s wrong,” My mother said all of a sudden. I looked up and finally noticed the expression on her face. Her face was filled with anxiety and she was clutching her cellphone tightly. Alarm shot through me immediately.

“What is it aunty? The baby?” Rafiq asked worriedly, rising from his seat.

“No sweetie, that’s not it.” Ummi said with a sigh, rubbing her temples. “Your uncle, he’s supposed to be home by now and when he’s late he usually calls me. I dialed his phone several times and he won’t answer.”

“Maybe Abi is held up in traffic and his phone died.” I suggested, taking her hand in mine. She squeezed it lightly. I was worried from seeing her worry. She’s never like this.“Inshallah, he is fine.”

“Maybe you’re right sweetheart.” Ummi replied with a nod. She still looked unnerved though. “But if the phone was dead wouldn’t it just go straight to voicemail?” Before I could respond, Ummi’s phone lit up and began to ring. Maher Zain barely finished singing the first line of For The Rest of My Life before she pressed talk. “Assalamu Alaikum sweetheart, I was so worri-” Ummi started before her mouth snapped shut.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as she stood from her seat with the phone against her ear. She held up her index finger, signaling for me to wait.

“Yes this is she,” Ummi said to the person on the other line, her voice small. I could tell she was listening closely to whoever was on the other line. All of a sudden her face changed completely, her breathing escalated. “W-what? That can’t be.” Ummi said, her voice breaking. The pure despair in her tone let me know that something was very, very wrong. “I-I’m on my way, thank you.” She murmured into the phone before pressing the end button.

She dropped the phone into the mashed potatoes and Rafiq and I stood up as she nearly lost her balance.

“Ummi!” I gasped as she clutched the edge of the wooden table. “What’s wrong?”

Rafiq stood close to her, just in case she fainted. “Your father…I think he was in an accident.” She confessed with a terrified look on her face. I blinked a few times before the words could sink in completely.

“What?” Rafiq asked with a scared look on his face.

“I-is he going to be alright? He’s fine right?” I whispered, my heart constricting painfully. Ummi shook her head and my heart dropped like led.

“I don’t know…I just need to sit for a second.” Ummi said, her voice quivering slightly. Rafiq helped her back into her seat. We watched her as her eyes filled to the brim with tears. It broke me apart to see her trying to hold them back for our sake. “It was a passerby that called me. I was the most recent contact so he called and told me that the ambulance was loading your dad in to take him to the hospital. The person said something about seeing a red Mustang with black stripes running your father off the road.”

Red Mustang with black stripes…

Erik’s car…it was a red Mustang with black stripes. I gasped loudly, my knees going weak. He’d done this, I thought in disbelief. And that’s when everything hit me all at once.

“What time do your parents get off of work today?” Charice questioned, quietly. She played with her fingers with what I could only describe as nervousness.

 

“Um,” I said, thinking hard. “My dad gets off at like eight o’clock tonight. My mom isn’t going in to work this week…but why do you ask?”

It all made so much sense now. I shook my head slowly, trying not to believe it.

“So, when does your dad get off of work again? You did say he works at Google right?”

 

I looked her over worriedly before starting to brush the dirt off of her outfit. “I told you, he gets off at eight and yeah he works at Google. But I can’t understand what’s so important about that.” I mumbled.

No…no! She was my friend. She wouldn’t do this to me. We cared about each other. We supported each other. Charice would never do this to me.

“You told Jade that someone pushed you. Did you see who it was?” I asked softly, my hands folded tightly in my lap.

 

“What are you talking about? I tripped, no one pushed me.” Charice replied, her blue eyes telling me something totally different.

Memory after memory flashed through my mind as tears fell from my eyes. I could feel someone hugging me and telling me Abi would be fine but I couldn’t see. All I could see was painful betrayal.

“Char, you told me yourself that someone pushed you down those stairs!” Jade exclaimed, standing up. I sat there in pure confusion. Why was she lying to us? “You are many things Charice O’paul but you are not clumsy. Why are you changing your story?”

 

“I’m not changing anything. I fell and if I made you believe anything different, I apologize.” Charice murmured, her voice wavering.

I’d trusted her. I didn’t question the fact that she’d lied. I’d believed that she had a reason for lying to us.

“But Rafiq, why didn’t you tell her that it was you?” I asked, turning to look at him questioningly.

 

“That what was me?” He grumbled, closing his eyes as he took a deep breath.

 

“You know exactly what I mean!” I snapped, my patience going out the window. He opened his eyes and gave me a long look. “Why didn’t you tell her that it was you who found her?”

Rafiq had realized that something was weird but why hadn’t I?

“Before I went outside…I overheard Charice talking to Erik.” Rafiq whispered.

I cried, letting the tears free fall from my eyes openly. I’d put all of my trust into Charice and she was working with Erik against me this whole time. After a minute, I realized that it was Rafiq hugging me. I sobbed into his shoulder, closing my eyes tightly and hanging onto him like life support. I could feel my mother patting my back gently, trying her best to comfort me while she herself was in tears.

But they didn’t understand the unspoken puzzle that was being put together in my brain. I was crying for more reasons than one. I was not sure if my father would be okay. I didn’t know if Cole would ever be the same again. My mother was completely stressed out and she, as well as my unborn sister or brother, could now be in serious danger. I was afraid of Erik even more now because I’d realized that he doesn’t take his threats lightly. I was also scared out of my wits because I didn’t know who would get hurt next. And most of all, the fact that this was all because of me is what wouldn’t allow the tears to stop spilling from my eyes.

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Salam guys, it has definitely been a while. I'll tell you guys that it takes me a while to upload honestly because I have a condition and I get sick every few weeks. This in turn affects my school work and I get behind so I have to spend most of my time making up work. Which means I barely have time to write. It's really hard for me and I didn't want to say anything because it's sort of embarrassing. All I ask, is that as annoying as it may be, please have patience with me. Writing takes a lot of effort. I can't snap my fingers and a chapter be written, you know?

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-PurityInMyHeart