"So how long have you known?"
"Since the day I got my tattoo."
Seungmin raised his eyebrows as he took a sip from his mug, eyes set on me as he waited for me to continue. I took a deep breath, turning to face the street outside the window. I couldn't look at him if I wanted to keep talking.
I heard the sound of the mug being placed down as I drew one knee to my chest, resting my chin on it.
"Why don't you just....tell him?"
My eyes focused on the dark sky. "Because I would only hurt him."
Seungmin scoffed. "And how would you do that?"
"My mom always said I reminded her of my dad," I started, watching as a group of people walked into a restaurant across the street. "I used to think that was a good thing, but the more she said it the more I realized how wrong I was."
I played with a loose string on my sweater. "My parents were soulmates. They had the....symptom that let them feel each others' emotions, so they could feel when one of them was sad or happy or...." I trailed off before starting again. "....excited. It was cool until it became the very reason my parents broke up."
"What happened?" Seungmin said.
I played with the straw in my drink, stirring it around but never actually taking a sip. "Well, it turns out that it's hard to hide you're a cheater when the other person can feel it."
Seungmin was silent as I stared back out at the road, memories filling up my mind. I have never told anyone this. No one knew this side of me except Chan, and now I was telling Seungmin. It was somehow....refreshing, in a way.
"My parents never really fought. Because they could feel what the other was feeling, one of them would always fold to not make each other upset. So, when they started yelling that day I just kind of....shut down. I never really imagined them fighting seriously. I never saw either of them in a bad light until that moment, and I remember I couldn't tell who to be angry at when I heard my mother scream that she rejected my father."
I let out a humorless laugh. "I was just a kid. And I knew my dad did something wrong but I was so angry that my mom rejected him. Even as an adult, I still don't know who to blame."
"But your dad cheated," Seungmin said. "Why can't you just blame him?"
I met his eyes. "Because he may have been an awful person, but he was a great dad."
Seungmin sat back in his chair, waiting for me to continue.
"Trust me, I want to blame him," I started. "He cheated on my mom, and every time I think about it, it pisses me off. But he really did love me," I said, looking at Seungmin. "When someone rejects their soulmate, it's like they're cutting the thread between them, and that thread unravels with every person that was connected to their soulmate. It makes them unable to feel any emotions towards anyone in that unraveling thread, like they become completely emotionless. When my mom rejected my dad that day, she lost every feeling she's ever had for me. Love, happiness, sadness, all of it was forgotten whenever she thought of me."
"I expected him to reject her back. I expected to hear him scream the same words to her that she did to him but I heard nothing. My dad was the one who found me, hiding in the closet trying to drown out the fight, and told me everything was going to be okay." I stopped stirring the straw around in my drink, taking in the laughter and talking that was happening at the tables around us. "He never rejected her. My dad died because he wanted to make sure I still had a parent who could love me."
Seungmin hummed. "So that's why the staff at the hospital knew you."
I nodded. "I spent a lot of time there. My dad started the treatments almost immediately, but he still only stayed for five more years. Then I was left alone with my mom. I ended up spending a lot of time at Chan's house, he became my safe place."
The two of us went silent, Seungmin not knowing what to say as I looked anywhere but at him. I grabbed the fabric of my shirt tightly in my hands, trying to force myself to keep going and get everything out before I shut down.
My voice was unsteady as I spoke. "My mom ended up remarrying my step-dad, who is perfect for her and loves me but it's still hard. Sometimes they'll call and he'll be happy to talk to me, but I'll hear my mom's voice change from monotone to loving whenever she speaks to him or my....sister. Eventually I just stopped taking their calls. It's not like she would care, and the worst part is I can't even blame her!" I sniffled as I looked out the window, forcing myself not to cry here. "My dad was a jerk. He cheated on her, and she was completely right in rejecting us. She ended up happy, outside of the soulmate connection, but sometimes it feels like she's starting over."
I took a deep breath. "I wish I could hate her."
"So you won't reject Chan, because you'd be rejecting almost everyone you know," Seungmin said.
"My real family, Seungmin." I pulled my other leg to my chest. "They're all I have left."
"So just tell him," Seungmin finally said. "I don't see how you could hurt him if he knows everything about you."
"I'm not the one he wants," I answered.
I heard Seungmin scoff and I snapped my eyes to him, catching him at just the right time to see him shoot a glare out the window. "Is he stupid? Why the he—"
I sat up in my chair. "Seungmin calm down," I hissed, looking around the place to make sure nobody was paying attention to the seething brunet. "I'm—I am okay with this."
"Oh, so you're stupid."
"I'm not going to stop him from loving someone!" I said, careful not to raise my voice. "I'm Chan's best friend, if he loves Ivy then I'm not going to get in the way of that."
"Who the frick is Ivy??"
"Look!" I leaned forward, forcing Seungmin to pay attention to me even though he didn't want to. "My mom found love outside of the soulmate connection and she's happier than she's ever been! It's not a bad thing to fall in love with someone who's not your soulmate—"
"So you're just going to give up??" Seungmin seethed. "When you died Hyunjin told me how long you've been saving up for these injections, and now you're just going to throw it away?!?"
"The only reason I wanted them in the first place," I muttered lowly. "Was because I wanted to prove to myself that soulmates could work, because all I've ever known them to do is fail."
I squeezed my eyes shut. "For once, I wanted something that I wanted to work out. But now I know everything was against me from the start."
"So just let her win then, huh?"
I shook my head. "She's already won."
Seungmin went silent, for a second I thought I'd convinced him. There was no way to win this, no way to stop what I had put into effect. Chan loved Ivy and that was it. I just hope they make each other happy before three months are up. My ending wouldn't change.
Then I heard him laugh.
My eyes snapped over to him, widening as I took in the evil grin on his face. His laughing was causing a few other people in the little restaurant we were in to look in our direction, and I wanted to actually shrink through the floor.
Seungmin's laughter finally died down, but the smirk stayed on his face. He took a sip of his drink before looking dead at me.
"Not if I can help it," he said.
"What?"
"I said—" he put down his mug "—not if I can help it. If you think you've lost this, think again."
I shook my head to clear it. "What are you even talking about Seungmin?"
"What I'm 'talking about' is that freaking Fern—"
"Ivy."
"I don't care—is not going to stand a chance because I'm going to be your wingman!"
"Seungmin," I started. "Don't."
He laughed again as he pulled out his phone.
I realized what he was about to do too late.
"Hey Chan," he said, moving the phone up next to his ear just as I made a grab for it. I scowled as he smirked across the table, phone still pressed to the side of his face.
"Yea, Felix gave me everyone's numbers a while ago," he spoke into the phone. I reached again for the thing next to his ear, but my knee banged into the table so loudly I immediately pretended I didn't exist as a few people turned in my direction.
"No that was just Haewon being an idiot—yes, she's fine, she's just stupid 90% of the time."
I flipped him off, which only made his grin wider.
"Speaking about Haewon, I actually have a favor to ask you—"
"Shut up!" I whisper-yelled.
"—Could you come pick us up? We missed the bus and I don't want her to have to walk all the way home when she seems so tired."
I banged my head on the table, this time not caring if the other customers were looking. I was going to unalive myself.
"The bus runs for 24 hours," I mentioned, still face-down on the table.
"Not today, it doesn't," he hissed. "Yea I'm still here, Chan. Haewon's distracting me."
I banged my head down again. "Stop saying stuff like that!"
"So you'll pick us up? Yea, I'll send you our location." Seungmin stopped, thinking for a moment before turning toward me with an evil smile on his face. "Hey Chan—"
"Whatever you're about to do, don't."
"—Before I hang up on you—"
"Seungmin...." I warned.
"—Did Haewon eat with you? Because she won't buy anything to eat—" Seungmin smirked. "He hung up."
"Seungmin you whore!" I exclaimed, looking at my section of the table that only held a drink. I was so dead. I was so dead. "Why would you do that??"
I felt fear course through my veins as my phone buzzed in my pocket.
"You better answer that," Seungmin said, taking a sip of his drink.
"You freaking—!" The phone buzzed again and I could almost imagine myself going pale. "Oh, I'm so screwed."
He laughed into mug as I debated whether or not to throw my phone out the window and pretend I've been kidnapped. Chan and I each have our things that we make sure the other does. I make sure he goes to sleep, and he makes sure I don't forget to eat. I had forgotten to eat, with everything going on. To be fair, I wasn't even hungry, but I knew Chan was now on the opposite side of the ringing phone, probably absolutely pissed that I hadn't answered yet.
And all because of Seungmin.
"You're my thirteenth reason," I said.
"Am I not all of them?" He replied.
I cursed under my breath as I pulled out my phone, hesitantly raising it to my ear as I answered the call.
"I called you twice."
I winced at Chan's tone, clearly being able to hear he was upset.
"Oops?" I said.
I heard the sound of a door shutting and then a car's ignition. "Why haven't you eaten, Won?" Chan asked, his voice softer.
"I'm not hungry," I answered.
"When was the last time you ate?"
Ah frick. "8..."
"8 what?"
I winced. "....this morning?"
"8 a.m?!?" Chan's voice was so loud I could still hear him after I took it away from my ear. "Wonnie! It's almost 10 p.m now!"
"Oops?" I tried.
From across the table, Seungmin choked on his drink as he started laughing. I kicked him under the table. Stupid snitch.
"Go eat something."
"I'm not hungry," I replied. I wasn't even lying. I haven't been hungry all day, and part of me wonders if it's from the sickness.
"I don't care," he said. I heard the sound of his blinker filter through the call.
You know what?
No.
For some reason, I feel like being a brat.
"You can't really make me," I said.
I could imagine his face as he let out a frustrated noise, probably pinching the bridge of his nose as he drove. Despite not wanting it, I felt a smile form on my face at the situation. He couldn't call my parent like I would for him if he didn't sleep. He was out of options.
"If you don't get food right now, I'm adding Felix to this call and letting him cry until you feel bad."
The smile dropped from my face.
He did have options.
"You wouldn't—"
"Want to bet on that?" This time I could hear the smirk in his voice as he spoke.
I made myself stand, walking toward the counter of the book cafe with a slightly pissed off expression. How dare he use Felix against me! Does he want the blond to show up at my door with an entire pan of brownies? Knowing Felix, he would stay there until I ate all of them because he's concerned, and I can only eat like 3 at a time before feeling sick. Actually, I think Chan does want that. I think he'd find it hilarious.
"I'm surrounded by snitches," I muttered, pointing at the smallest thing I could find in the display case for the worker to grab.
Chan gave a musical laugh. "No, you love me."
I gave the worker a polite smile as I accepted the small muffin. "Unfortunately," I replied.
Chan's side of the line went silent for a moment as I walked back to Seungmin and I's table, quickly pushing the brunet in the shoulder as I passed him while mouthing different words in his direction. Finally, after hearing nothing but the quiet sounds of the car he was driving, Chan spoke.
"I'm here," he quietly said.
I quickly looked out the window, immediately recognizing Chan's black car with the lights still on as he waited for us to walk out.
"Coming," I said, before hanging up and grabbing the small muffin that I haven't touched yet. I gestured for Seungmin to follow me, and he rested his arm across my shoulders as we walked. I gave him a weird look, but maybe this was just a habit of his?
I haven't seen him do it to anyone else, though.
The air outside was could, hitting my neck in a way that made a shiver travel down my spine. It wasn't cold enough to snow, but it definitely took me off guard as I walked toward Chan's passenger door. Before I could even reach for the handle, I heard the car turn off and Chan stepped out of the driver's side.
"Is that all you bought?" He questioned, his face filled with concern as his eyes caught on the muffin in my hand.
I shrugged. "I told you I wasn't hungry."
Chan let out a big sigh and smoothly slid his hand into mine, tugging me back toward the book cafe that I just left.
"What are you doing?" I whispered, but he didn't answer me as he open the door and easily walked toward the counter without letting go of my hand.
I went silent as he ordered something from the worker, trying to process what was happening. I had a muffin. I was fine with my muffin. Usually Chan would accept that I at least got something to eat, whenever I pulled something like this, but with a really judgmental look. So why was he doing this?
And why did it feel like something a boyfriend would do?
I shook the thought out of my head. Trying not to think of that too much, I focused on the other food in the display case or the decorations on the walls. Control yourself, Haewon. You can't let your heart get tied up in knots when he's in love with someone else.
"Here."
I looked up, my eyes meeting Chan's immediately. Gosh, he was beautiful. My eyes traced the slope of his nose and the dimples in his cheeks, careful not to focus on his lips and how badly I wanted to kiss them.
He smiled, his dimples deepening. "The sandwich, Wonnie," he said.
My eyebrows furrowed together and then I snapped out of it, feeling red crawling up my cheeks as I took the sandwich from Chan's hand.
I looked up. "This is a waste. What if I don't finish it?"
Chan shrugged. "I'll eat it whatever you don't eat."
He squeezed my hand. "Now, let's get you home."
The two of us walked toward the car outside, the cold air greeting us again and making me shiver. Chan pulled me closer to him without a second thought, his arm wrapping around my shoulders.
He moved to open the passenger side door, only to reveal that Seungmin was already sitting there.
"Oh. You're back," Seungmin said.
The two boys stared at each other for a few seconds, still as statues as a silent conversation happened through their eyes. Chan stuck his tongue to the side of his mouth before closing the door, walking around the car with me to the side he was on, opening the backseat door and closing it after I sat down.
I shot Seungmin a silent question with my eyes, to which he just smiled.
What the heck is going on??
The car was mostly quiet as Chan pulled onto the road, the only lights from the passing street lamps. Seungmin told him his address and he quickly got on the road that would be closest to Seungmin's on-campus apartment. As soon as he stopped, he turned to Seungmin.
"This is your apartment, right?" He said, gesturing at the building across the grass courtyard.
Seungmin nodded. "Yea, I better go. Innie might be worried." His eyes met mine and the evil grin was back on his face. "I really had a fun time with you, Zombie. Let's do it again soon!"
With that he shut the door and started to walk across the grass.
"I thought you were running errands," Chan mentioned as I climbed over the center console, too lazy to walk around the car.
I struggled to phrase an explanation that didn't sound bad or admitted to Chan that I had lied. "I did run some errands," I answered vaguely.
He raised an eyebrow as he looked out the windshield, pulling back onto the road. "So where are the groceries?"
"Groceries?"
"When you left. You said you needed groceries," Chan said.
My mind blanked. "We—uh—didn't get them," I floundered. "Seungmin had some....other stuff he wanted to do."
He glanced from the road to me. "Do you need me to go with you now?"
"No, I'm okay. I'm too tired now," I answered, feeling the beginnings of the side effects from the soulmate injection, namely exhaustion.
"Are you feeling okay?" He said, glancing every so often over at me, his hand moving to hold mine.
"Just....tired." My words came out lazy and I laid my head back against the seat.
I heard Chan turn on his blinker and the car turned. I drifted in and out as he drove, humming when he asked me questions to show that I was still semi-conscious. I felt his hand carefully move a hair that was stuck to my face, but I was too tired to talk or feel flattered. Eventually he stopped talking, instead turning on low music that he sang along to softly, his voice like a lullaby.
I felt him gently shake me, causing me to open my eyes as I blinked rapidly. My eyes focused on the building he parked beside, my building. I fumbled with my seatbelt, getting it loose eventually but not before Chan had already gotten out of the car and opened the door for me.
"You didn't have to do that," I sleepily said.
Chan put a hand on my lower back. "Come on. I'll walk you up."
He kept his hand on my back as we walked up the staircase, making sure I didn't stumble or fall. I knew I was leaning some of my body weight on to him, the events of today as well as side effects from the injections making me physically and mentally tired. I just wanted to go to sleep at this point.
It didn't seem to bother him anyways.
He took the keys from my pocket, unlocking my door so I wouldn't have to. I stop in the doorway, not wanting him to leave yet, wanting him to stay.
Chan smiled, turning to leave. "Bye, Wonnie. I'll see you tomorrow."
He turned his back, starting to walk down the hallway. I wanted him to stay. I wanted him to stay with me, but I knew that wasn't my decision.
"I love you, Chan."
The words came out with no thought, nothing holding them back because of my tiredness. I did love him. I loved him more than he'd ever know.
I heard his steps pause and I held my breath for his response.
"I love you too, Won," he spoke. "Now get some sleep, I'll see you tomorrow."
And with that he disappeared into the stairwell.
I closed the door gently, legs feeling like lead as I made my way over to the couch, burying my face into a pillow.
"I do love you, Chan," I repeated. My fading vision caught on a petal, half-way hidden under that leg of the coffee table, with me never having noticed it.
A sigh built up in my throat as I closed my eyes.
"I'm just sorry I'll never get the chance to show you," I whispered, falling asleep with my mind caught on the image of pink and blue petals, all of them splattered with red.
- - _ - - _ - - _ - - _ -- _ - - _ - - _ - - _ - -
Hope everyone liked this chapter!
We finally get some background for Haewon's decisions, whether that's better or worse. What do you think about the situation?
*Once when studying for a major exam, Haewon didn't eat for two days, locking herself in her room to force herself to work. Chan tried his best to convince her, but ultimately resulted to calling Felix and telling him what was happening. Felix and Chan ended up staying over at Haewon's apartment for about a week, Felix making her food to eat every few hours, and Chan staying up to help her study*
Don't forget to like/comment if you liked this chapter!