"Is that a Birkin? I thought Vinnie was still trying to get on the list."
"Oh girl," Amara smiled so big I thought her face was going to split. "Yeah it's a Birkin! Someone hooked me up."
"You have friends with Birkin bag access? It must have cost-"
"Don't even think about it," she cut me off with a flick of a hand. "But you know... I love being your friend. You will always be stuck with me."
Okay... weird.
Is she on something?
And where did this mystery Birkin come from? It's kinda of crazy that she just popped up with a Birkin... something smells fishy and it's not this fish ramen.
"If you say so babe," I let it go picking at my food.
I miss Hajoon but... I don't know.
I said I still love him and that I'm in love with him which is true but, I don't know... I think I still have some resentment towards him from before. I just feel like I have to protect my heart.
But I can't deny that sometimes, I just want to run back into his arms.
In a bid to try and forcefully get over him, I stopped going to places I knew he'd be at. If Jaylen was gonna be there, so was he so I simply removed myself.
I thought I'd feel better.
But I feel worse. It's like I'm forcing myself to go through heartbreak again. I don't feel hungry. I just wanna bury myself in work. I don't wanna hang with anyone.
And I'm even... finding myself bursting into tears when I'm by myself. I think it's all hitting me hard.
"So what's up with you?"
"Nothing," I lied. "Just busy at work. I haven't h-"
"Girl you're avoiding Hajoon," she cut me off, rolling her eyes. "You're a terrible liar. Don't even try it."
"So what if I am? Why do I have to be in the same places as him?"
"You don't have to be, you're right. But... is avoiding him the right choice? Look at yourself? Girl you look tired."
Gee, thanks.
"Amara I'm not using my lunch break on-"
"Why won't you get closure on what happened? He's right here. He's a phone call away. Get closure and move on."
"How could I ever move on," I asked with a small voice. "After everything... that day I lost a lot."
It was the hardest day of my life.
"You did. You lost a lot but you're gonna keep losing things if you don't address it and start looking at the future," she softly reasoned holding my hand from across the table. I wiped my cheeks with a my free hand focusing on my breathing.
Where is the air in this room?
"I'm... I'm scared that he'll leave again but, I don't want to lose him. I love him but, I- I don't know what to do."
"Tell him how you feel. Put yourself first and get closure. What you do after that, you don't have to decide now."
"B-but... I just- I just love him so much," I softly cried. "I'm just so scared."
Amara came to sit next to me as she hugged me rubbing my back. Once I had calmed down she put a bit of sugar on my water urging me to drink it.
"If you feel that way, it's worse to bottle everything in. You've been bottling it in all this time. It's okay to just let him have it. No more running, Neuza. You're going to make yourself sick," she stated patting my back. "It's your turn to start living."
Maybe... I do need a conversation with Hajoon. Time to put it all on the floor.