Warm air rushed through Fjodor's lungs as he leaned against the building wall outside. It was a hot summer day and he was certainly glad that the rooms inside had air conditioning.
"You okay?", Dunja asked. She stood next to him and didn't say a word up to now. He wasn't sure what to answer. It was like, not matter what he said, it was wrong. He felt okay because he was out of the situation right now. He felt not okay because he knew he had to go back in in a few minutes.
"It's just like... All words disappear and all that's left is the images I don't want to see. I feel like... I don't know. I actually don't know how I feel but I don't want to say all that out loud. Why do I have to do it?" It was a silly question. Pointless. He knew why. He just didn't know how. How do people do things they are afraid of? How do you overcome that fear?
"Hey, Fedja, you've come so far. You accomplished so many things these past few weeks, this past year. So many things you never thought you would do. You have to do this now so it all won't be in vain."
"Just five more minutes", Nikolai said as he walked towards them. "I don't want to. I can't do this." He let his head fall on Nikolai's shoulder. Nikolai raised his hand and gently stroked Fjodor's head. "You can, Fyo, I know you do." - "No I can't. It's like all words disappear, no, like, speaking feels wrong. I don't know, I..."
Then Nikolai pulled out his phone, dialed a number and pressed the loudspeaker button. It beeped a few times. "If you don't know, then why not ask someone else?" It beeped another time, then someone answered the phone. "Gogol-San? What is it?" Confused Fjodor stared at the mobile phone in Nikolai's hand. "Sigma?!"
Nikolai grinned. "I thought we ask someone who seems like he's afraid of everything most of the time." - "That's not really true. Well, mostly, but still. Anyways, what did you want to ask me?"
Nikolai looked at Fjodor, as if he knew what was going on in his mind. Then Nikolai sighed. "How do you overcome fear? Like if you have or want to do something but fear doesn't let you. What do you do?" Fjodor turned away from the phone. This was too embarrassing. And as if it would help something anyway.
"Well, I can't speak for everyone, but for me it's like... If I want to do it, I tell that to myself. I imagine what good may happen if I do it. Sometimes I also imagine that many other people do things naturally. Like just talking. It's normal. Just weird for me but if I want to talk to someone, I tell myself that it's not a big deal. I know this can also feel wrong because everyone is different and for some people things are harder than others but sometimes it also works. Because most fear, at least for me, stems from overthinking." He paused for a moment. "Aahhh, sorry, I talked too much. Was that even helpful? And why did you ask, if I may ask that?"
Nikolai opened his mouth to answer but Fjodor's lawyer cut him off. "The trial is starting again. Please follow me in."