Amid applause and television music, the spotlights danced, and Raphael bowed for the camera.
"And we're back here with the Monster Mash guys! Let's move on to the next comment," Raphael snapped his fingers, and the screen lit up.
I can exercise every day of my life, but I will never reach my goal because my ideal weight is Everett on top of me.
"I hope my sister isn't watching this," Everett said and covered his face, "Or my brother. Aspem will never be silent."
"Is no one is going to talk dirty about me?!" Draco asked. "Is it because I'm five foot six?!"
"You're actually five foot two without your boots," Everett said.
"Hey! My true height was a secret!" Draco exclaimed.
"Well, Draco... I think you're handsome, no homo, of course," Kevin said, and Draco looked him up and down without saying anything, turning away.
"No homo, but you're member fans consider the cutest, Draco," Everett said, blinking rapidly and smiling, "I do too."
"Like Baby Yeti," Kevin snapped his fingers and Everett nodded, and then Alex put his arm around Kevin.
"You've adjusted very well, haven't you Kevs?" Alex winked at him.
"Yes, too well in my opinion," Draco whispered and looked away from them, grunting.
"Someone's jealous," Alex wiggled his eyebrows, and Draco clenched his fists but didn't say anything.
"That comment was left on Personal Trainers," Finn said. "I guess from the part about exercising."
"Mr. Seamons, you are very good at this game!" Raphael said. "Let's add another thousand to Jade! She has twenty-five thousand for her charity now!"
"I'm very heavy," Everett said amid applause. "I don't understand why anyone would want me on top."
"I think you misunderstood that," Draco said. "That person means... You know, bees and stuff."
"I'm too big to be bee," Everett said. "I want to be bigger insect. Tarantula."
"Tarantulas are arachnids," Alex said.
"Then scorpion," Everett replied. "They're dangerous, like me. And cute, like me."
"That's an arachnid too," Kevin said.
"Here we go again," Jade rolled her eyes, sighing heavily, "The fruit bowl conversation."
"Do you think scorpions are cute?" Raphael raised an eyebrow and Everett nodded.
"They are misunderstood beings," the big man said. "They have repressed feelings and emotions... Like me." And he got lost in infinity.
"Can we move on to the next comment please?" Finn suggested to the show's host. "We don't want Everett to get philosophical again. The last time he started talking about the secrets of raisins."
"Of course," Raphael nodded with a confused face, and the screen lit up again. "How about that one?"
There's something about cowboys that makes me horny and I want to sit on Zeth's face and ride it like I am riding a bull!
"Wow, that person has very, very good taste! I'm flattered," Zeth said, inspecting his nails. "It must have been the jacket I was wearing, or the hat. Or maybe it was just me!"
"Sometimes I wonder what it is about Zeth that drives us all crazy," Jade whispered, but Zeth turned to look at her with seductive eyes. Jade turned fifty shades of red and swallowed hard, looking down at her podium, "I said it near the microphone, didn't I?"
"We all heard you," Everett said, "I have answer. Zeth is 'Wattpad Boy' and handsome."
"Everett's honesty has spoken," Zeth swaggered.
"I wish I had the confidence that Zeth has when he's told he's hot," Kevin said, "Damn! Those are confidence goals!"
"What can I say?" Zeth ran a hand through his hair with a smile. "Not everyone can accept compliments with the same elegance and humility as... Me!"
"There's only one cowboy video and it's Happily Rejected," Finn said, and Raphael nodded.
"That answer is correct! Twenty-six thousand dollars for Jade's charity! The next one, please."
The screen lit up again.
Kevin can suffocate me with his pecs or slit my throat with his jawline, and my ghost would return and say thank you.
"Well, thank you very much," Kevin said, blushing and rubbing his chest. "I've worked hard to get these pecs and... What am I supposed to say now? Zeth? I need your help."
"Just go with the flow," Zeth said with a dismissive hand, "If people know you're hot, who are you to question it?"
"Oh, don't be so modest, Kevs!" Alex laughed and put his arm on Kevin's shoulders, making Draco frown. "You're such a hunk!"
"But I'm not as good-looking as Draco," Kevin said, glancing at the vampire. "And damn! Those are chest goals!"
"Oh please!" Draco said, waving his hands dramatically. "You have more meat on your bones than me! You're me but better in every way! You're a turkey, I'm a chicken! And it seems that the wolves are no longer satisfied with eating the chicken, no sir! Now they prefer the turkey!"
"I like to think I'm a peacock, but I am flattered," Zeth said, looking at his nails.
"I was talking about the other turkey, Zeth," Draco rolled his eyes.
"Me?" Everett asked.
"You are more of a huge ostrich! I'm talking about the other turkey!" Draco threw his hands in the air desperately.
"I think you confused foxes with wolves," Frank said, "Foxes eat chicken."
"Hey, I don't eat chicken, or meat in general," Alex growled.
"Well, it seems like you really like tofu meat quite a bit, you know, the one that comes in a 'transparent' package, right Kevin?" Draco looked at him with his red eyes shining.
"Why do I feel like there's something here that has to do with me and I don't know what it is?" Kevin looked at both Draco and Alex with irrefutable confusion, "Weren't we talking about chickens?"
"Please not the fruit bowl conversation again," Jade began to smash her forehead against her podium, "Please, please, please not the fruit bowl conversation, please."
"It's nothing, Kevs," Zeth stood between the two boys, "This is getting tedious already. Kevin, Draco, please."
"I didn't do anything, Zeth," Kevin whispered, "We were talking about my physique and suddenly I didn't understand anything. I don't understand if I'm the turkey or the chicken and with my little dysmorphia problem I now feel skinny again and it scares me because it makes me feel small like when I was a child and..."
"Well, you are all quite big, Kevin, that is a fact," Raphael said.
"Oh! Thanks Raphael," Kevin patted him on the shoulder, "I apologise, but I have a trauma with feeling small and powerless. I don't expect people to tell me I look good or give me validation, but I'm truly terrified of feeling small."
"Young man, you are huge and just a little shorter than Alex here," Raphael said nodding, "In fact, it surprises me that even Zeth, who is the thinnest, is so muscular but very aesthetic and proportional."
"It's just that I'm a gymnast," Zeth inspected his nails. "Although I think we can all agree that I have the most attractive body for the ladies."
"Girls like mountains like me," Everett puffed out his chest. "We bodybuilders have easier time protecting baby yeti from prey!"
"Women prefer guys with athletic bodies, I read in an article," Draco said, scratching his nose.
"Athletic how?" Frank cocked his head.
"I mean, Alex and Zeth are ripped so visually they are the most attractive," Draco explained, "They are relatively slender but..."
"Slender? Me?" Alex flexed his huge bicep, "Bro! I'm not slender at all!"
"I mean, you two are slender but muscular, athletic or aesthetic, per say. Everett and Frank are bulky," Draco pointed back where Everett was already lost staring at the ceiling.
"Wait, so what am I?" Finn asked.
"You, me and Kevin are lean," Draco said, pointing back at Kevin who was already rubbing his own chest, and he looked worried, nervous even, "It's somewhere between bulky and ripped."
"So I'm not attractive?" Frank pouted.
"No! I didn't mean that!" Draco said, shaking his head way too quickly, "But surveys have revealed that Alex and Zeth have the most attractive body types. They are not very robust, but their muscles are well-defined, raw per say."
"I thought lean men were the most attractive," Kevin blinked rapidly, "Where did you read that?"
"A survey that..."
"Surveys must be wrong." Everett interrupted Draco.
"Oh no, big guy," Zeth said with a slight laugh, flexing his strong biceps. "Surveys never lie. Obviously, ladies love me."
"Zeth..." Alex crossed his arms, "They love us, you and me."
"They love us, yeah, whatever," Zeth rolled his eyes. "But I think we can all agree that, of the two of us, I am certainly the most handsome!"
"Hey, Jade's here," Frank pointed back, "Maybe..."
"Maybe we should ask her who has the better body!" Draco said with little skips, "Good idea, Frank!"
"I mean we shouldn't talk about other girls in front of Jade," Frank frowned.
"The problem is, they're not talking about other girls, Frank," Jade rolled her eyes from her place behind the podium, "They're competing with each other... Again."
"I'm the biggest, I'm perfect guardian..." Everett growled. "And handsome. Yeti women dig that."
"If all female yetis are like your sister," Alex began, scratching his head, "I'm pretty sure they actually protect male yetis."
"Why do you say that?" Everett cocked his head.
"Everett, your sister is a killing machine! She has more abs than all of us combined!" Draco replied.
"My sister is very strong, like all yeti women," said Everett. "In fact, she knocks down trees with one punch. One time, she ripped door off a car that kept honking because she was putting on makeup at green light. People can be very disrespectful and cynical sometimes."
"Hey, I don't want to interrupt, but we're in the middle of a game," Raphael said, pointing at the screen, "And it looks like Finn is the only one playing."
"We're just in the middle of a friendly discussion," Draco said with a nervous laugh, "We'll be done in a second."
"Do they always get lost in their own conversations like this, Jade?" Raphael asked, and Jade rubbed her forehead and nodded.
"My best friend, Evangeline, says it's testosterone," she replied.
"I have bad news for everyone," Kevin said, his eyes lost on his phone, "From what I see, it doesn't matter at all about our body types. Everett is the favourite of the group and in fact, he is the one who has the most followers in all his..."
"You've got to be kidding!" Zeth exclaimed, "Why?!"
"According to this," Alex said, looking from behind Kevin at the phone, "Women consider Everett a, quote: Giant teddy bear, sensitive but powerful."
"I feel as emotional as when I won ax throwing contest when I was Kid Everett," Everett said, with a cute smile on his face, wiping a tear, "Mama Yeti was very proud of me. She even gave me sword, but Papa Yeti said I was too young for that."
"Looks like Draco is in second place and third place is Zeth," Kevin read from his phone.
"I'd be upset and sue whoever did that survey if it weren't because it's you guys," Zeth said with a reasonable gesture, "I'll take the third place humbly just because of that."
"Raphael, while my friends do... Whatever they're doing," Finn cleared his throat and the host turned to him with a relieved face, "I'll play the game. I'm curious about the fact that this person mentioned that their ghost will return," Finn rubbed his chin while reading the words on the screen. "And Día de Muertos is about those who have already left returning to earth, so... The Place I Came From?"
"Finally! The answer is correct! Jade now has twenty-seven thousand for her charity!" Raphael said. "Let's continue. What video does this comment come from?"
Alex can take me to the jungle, without a cell phone or internet, leave me abandoned and without food, at the mercy of tigers, and I'd still suck that D.
"Oh Lord Jesus Christ the Reddemer! Take that away!" Jade shouted and everyone, including Raphael, turned to look at her.
"Do you feel uncomfortable, Jade?" Raphael asked, "Was it too much?"
"It's not that!" Jade covered her face with one hand to avoid the cameras, "It's just that I... I wrote that from a secret account I had."
"You're a naughty girl!" Alex said with a laugh, turning to look at the screen again, "I mean, I'm flattered but... Do we have to do that in that specific order?"
"Alex! For Fucks Sake!" Frank lost it.
"You can't say the F word on national television, Frank," Raphael said, "This is a family show."
"Jungle Spirit," Finn answered. "The reference to the jungle is not subtle at all."
"You are really good at this, Finn. Now Jade has twenty-eight thousand dollars for Huellitas! And she also has a comment to delete." Raphael said, pointing at the screen. "Now the moment we've all been waiting for! Monster Mash will make a donation to both girls. So now, it's time to find out how much each girl will give their charities, and we will know..." There was a drum roll, and then Raphael spoke, "When we return from the commercial break! Don't move from your seats at home! We'll be right back!"