Everyone seemed on edge in Newport, and the trains carrying papers up from New York were mobbed as soon as they stopped, people desperate to read anything about what was happening in Europe. Of course, I wasn't mobbing them. In fact, I was doing my level best to ignore everything, and we had stopped attending parties since it seemed like it was all anyone could talk about. I couldn't stand to hear everyone talking and speculating about a war, it made my stomach twist and left me feeling ill for the next day.
But then Oscar showed up on the porch, a rolled up paper under his arm.
"Anastasia," He spoke softly once we had all gathered in the rear parlor, even reaching over to take my hand. "I wanted you to see this from a friend, here." He handed over the paper, the day's Times, and I felt my stomach drop. Plastered all over the front page were articles about countries mobilizing for war in Europe. "There hasn't been anything about the Reserves, so I'm hopeful that maybe-"
But I didn't hear the next part, for I had turned to Will and clasped my hands around his head, my voice a hiss. "You aren't going!"
"Ana," He reached up, trying to dislodge my hands. "We can discuss this later."
"No!" I yelled, my heart hammering. "No, you're staying here. You're not going."
I could barely hear Mother, "Oscar, perhaps it would be best if you left."
"Ruth, I just wanted to-"
"I know, but you need to leave." Her voice was firm, but my breath was coming faster and faster. All I could see was Will gone, dead in the water, not even a body to bury just like Father and I could feel my heart in my throat. I stood, trying to draw in enough breath to tell Will that he was staying, that it was foolish for him to leave, he could resign from the Reserves, I wouldn't care. No one would think less of him, we could stay here where there wasn't any war.
But then I swayed, my vision blurred, and my knees gave out.
When I came to I wasn't surprised to find myself back in my bed, the curtains drawn over the windows to shade the room. I also wasn't surprised to find Will sitting in a chair next to me, his brow furrowed and the paper in his hand. Once he saw I was awake though, he put it aside and reached for my hand. "Ana, are you alright?"
"No." I shook my head, "I'm not."
"You knew this could happen." He moved his chair closer, his eyes soft. "We both did."
"And you told me not to think about it. You said that it wasn't going to happen." I was trying to not sound like a petulant child, but wasn't succeeding.
He sighed, "I was wrong. But I only said that because you would make yourself sick with worry."
"As if I won't now," I snapped, pulling my hand away. "You're not going."
"I may not have a choice." He looked at my hand, his expression wounded. "I may have to go Ana, and you will have to let me."
I closed my eyes, trying to fight down the sob in my throat at that. "Why? Why do you have to go? You can resign and stay here, stay with me! Isn't that better?"
"It's my home." Will stood, pursing his lips. "And you are not my only family. Would you have me leave Da and Peg and Sam to the Kaiser's mercy? Or what about Lights and Sylvie? You know he's going to be going, and she's in the same boat as you. Roger, Trevor, Mavis, you think they won't suffer from this?"
I sat up in the bed, "They could come here, your family and Lights and Sylvie, with the boys and Mavis. I could pay for it, Will, please."
"You can't solve everything with money." His voice was harsh, and he began pacing around the room. "Ana, you know I don't want to leave."
"You're acting like you want to!" I swung my legs over, trying to stand briefly before I sat back down. "You're acting like you're going to abandon me, Will, I don't want to lose you." The sob escaped at that, as did the tears. "I don't want to lose you, I can't! Because then I'll be all alone, and I won't have anything left of you and I can't do that Will! I can't!"
The bed sunk beside me, and I felt him slip an arm around me. "But what if you don't lose me? You seem very certain that I'll won't come back for some reason, why?"
"Because," I sobbed into his chest, my words barely able to come out around the cries. "You used up all your luck on Titanic, and you still almost died! I love you Will, and I don't want to be a widow!"
"Ana," He actually chuckled, holding me tighter as one hand shook out a handkerchief to wipe at my face. "You do realize I'm the luckiest man in the world, right? I married you, I think that's a sign that I'm rather favored in terms of luck." He pressed a kiss to my hair. "Do you think I wouldn't want to come back? If I go, I'll think of you every day. Every night, it'll be your name that I'll whisper." I whimpered at that, and latched my arms around him. Will held me close, "I think we need to go back to the city, and I think we need to talk more about this. But not now, not today."
It felt like everyone was walking on eggshells for the next day as things were hastily packed and the railcar called up. Will and I didn't speak of the war again, and Mother seemed determined to keep up a stream of pointless chatter to distract me. She even had Liz ride back with us for awhile and insisted on talking about color schemes for her wedding. I wished that it helped, that I could shove my worries to the side and earnestly help my friend, but my answers were half-hearted and I barely thought about what she was asking. James sat awkwardly by her side, until Liz decided to head back to her own car. I stared bitterly after her, for she didn't have to worry about James in the slightest, he wasn't in the Reserves. So long as a draft wasn't started, he could keep on with the company.
I fear I hurt her, but I couldn't distract myself. All that echoed through my mind was Will leaving, leaving me, and putting himself into danger. I had grabbed the latest paper from the station when we had boarded, and spent half the ride reading it and trying to figure out exactly why everyone was fighting. It was all over the Archduke, just like Oscar had predicted, and after awhile I threw it aside and stared out the window.
I couldn't look at Will without bursting into tears.
The staff at the house was subdued when we arrived, and I could hear the whispers when they saw Will. Even Rigel could sense the mood, his head hanging low and he gave a whine as Reggie approached us when we got to our rooms. He held out yet another paper, "Sir, this was in this morning's edition." I clutched Will's arm, unwilling to let him read it alone.
ENGLAND WANTS SAILORS
Other Nations Seek Reinforcements of the Military Arm—Consuls Spread News.
Germany and France have recalled from this country all their military reserves. Through their Consuls in various cities they are summoning their sons of arm-bearing age to the colors. Great Britain yesterday sent the order by cable that all naval reserves in the United States should report immediately for duty with the colors. The order will be officially promulgated by the British Consul General here, and will affect several thousand members of the Royal Naval Reserve who at present are connected with the British mercantile marine, in addition to perhaps 1,000 others who are engaged in business in this country. Of the reserves who are not now at sea, it was said that about 200 are in business in this city. The proclamation calling the naval reserves into service is issued in the name of the King, and the Consul General Is ordered to post it in prominent places on piers where British vessels dock, in places frequented by British sailors, on the ships themselves, and to give it publicity in all other ways that are possible. The proclamation aftects only the sea arm of the British military service. The proclamation is printed on red paper, and is as follows:
SFECIAL ADMIRALTY ORDER
Mobilization of the Royal Naval Reserve men absent from the British Islands. His Majesty the King- having issued his proclamation ordering and directing that the Royal Naval Volunteers (commonly known as the Roval Naval Reserve) under the Royal Naval Reserve Act, 1859, as many or such part of them as the Lords Comissioners of the Admiralty may direct to call into actual service; Notice is hereby given that all men in the Royal Naval Reserve who are absent from the British Islands are liable to serve in the Royal Navy if called upon by the officers commanding any of his Majesty's ships. Royal Naval Reserve men serving in merchant ships abroad, on receiving notice of the royal proclamation at any port they may call at are to report themselves to the senior British naval officer at that port or to the first British naval officer they may meet, or, failing that, to the nearest registrar of Naval Reserve on arrival at the British Islands. Royal Naval Reserve men abroad, but not serving In merchant ships, are to report themselves to the nearest British naval, consular, or colonial officer forthwith. Any man failing to report himself without delay in compliance with this order will be liable to arrest as a deserter.
By command of the Lords Commissioners of the Admiralty.
R. L. NOSWORTHY.
Acting Consul General.
Dated Aug. 2, 1914, and affixed with the seal of the British Consulate, New York.
It was said at the Consulate General yesterday that the order calling the Naval Reserves into service was cabled from London yesterday morning to Sir Cecil Spring-Rice, the British Ambassador in Washington, who in turn telegraphed the proclamation to the various consulates throughout the United States for promulgation. Of the 200 Royal Naval Reservists living in New York it is said that practically all are officers of the Reserve. Many of them have already signified their intention of returning. While there was official information of the calling out of the British Army reservists in America, the impression was that the order for them to join the colors would come soon, possibly today. In the event that the Cunarder Lusitania is dispatched as scheduled tomorrow, many of the Naval Reserves undoubtedly will be sent to England on that ship.
Suddenly it was all I could do to stay upright, and I felt Will bring his other arm around to steady me, the paper fluttering to the floor. He was leaving, he was going to leave me, it was all real. Will was going to war and I couldn't do anything to stop it, he was going to die and I would be alone. But then Reggie held out a card, to me specifically. I hastily tore it open without even listening to what he said, my mind barely able to focus on the words.
Mr. Murdoch, Mrs. Murdoch,
You have no doubt seen the announcement in the paper about the Reserves. Given your personal situation, I would ask to call on you to discuss the matter further in person.
Sir Courtenay Bennett, Consul General of the British Empire to the United States
"Send a note that he can call." Will's voice was terse, "And tell Louise to head down, I can see to Ana tonight." He waited until Reggie was gone to speak, "Ana, I don't want you to get your hopes up."
But I was clutching the note like it was a lifeline, "But what if he tells you you don't have to go? That you can stay here?"
"Ana, you're asking me to abandon my country, my family."
I sniffed, "For me, Will, for your wife."
"I know."
"So you'd abandon me for them?"
"No, I wouldn't. I'd be protecting you too." He started us towards the bedroom, but he didn't even look at me.
"How? I don't live in Britain, it isn't my home!" I pulled away from him, moving to my vanity and sitting.
"But what if the war reaches here? I'd be fighting for you then. The Germans are going to use those submarines, and I have no doubt that they'll be chasing after merchant ships. What if they mistake one of your ships for a British one? And what if you're onboard?" He came up behind me, his hands on my shoulders. "I just want all of you to be safe, that's all I want. I don't want to leave, but if I leave I can try and keep you and your ships safe."
I glanced away from those blue eyes, searching for mine in the mirror. "And you think that you'll singlehandedly win the war."
"No, but I can help." I shivered as he brushed a hand up my neck, winding his fingers through my hair. "Like I can help you, with these pins."
I jerked away from his fingers. "It's alright, I can handle it." I didn't look at the wounded expression on his face, busying myself with taking out my pins and wiping off my powder. I couldn't have him touch me, I couldn't look at him because I would start crying again. I would start begging and pleading and I wouldn't stop, so it was better to be harsh as I finished at the vanity and changed into my nightgown myself. I curled up on my side, unwilling to face him and see the tears that were already tracing their way down my cheeks.
I ignored Will when he reached for me in bed, staying resolutely curled up on my side, fighting against the sobs that were making my shoulders shake, and hoping that he wouldn't press it further. But he did, pulling my shoulder down so that I lay flat on the bed. His fingers traced my cheek, "Ana, it's not that I want to leave. I love you, I love you so much. You know that, right?"
I felt another tear slide down, "And I love you Will, that's why I don't want you to leave. I want to be with you."
"I can imagine this would all be easier if we didn't love each other so much" His thumb brushed over my tear, "I don't think Sophie would be this miserable if Zachary was going to war."
I snorted at that, although it still managed to sound sad. "I don't think so." But then I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him down and curling around him. "I don't know what to do, Will."
"We speak to the Consul and see what he says." Will cuddled me closer, and I felt the tears start again. I tried to muffle the sobs against his chest, and I heard him mutter. 'I don't know how any man could go to war with a wife like you at home."
"What if I came with?" I whispered, drawing in a shaky breath. It wouldn't be easy, I wouldn't be able to bring a staff or much of my belongings, but I could be with him.
Will squeezed me up against him, "I don't want you going through war. Britain is not going to be a pleasant place, I want you somewhere safe."
Peggy seemed convinced that if I had a large breakfast it would improve my mood, and it at least helped me feel more settled as Will and I sat in the parlor the next day. The Consul General had sent a wire saying that he would arrive in the early afternoon, taking the train up from D.C, and Mrs. Vangerten had sent up an impressive spread. I sat in a wingback chair, twisting my skirt in my hands.
Will was reading the latest paper, and his pipe had made a reappearance. He hadn't filled it with tobacco yet, but I would watch as he would reach for it every now and then, placing it between his lips and and worrying it with his teeth. Both of us started when Peggy opened the door, followed by an older man dressed far too formally for this time of day, with a mustache, a piercing pair of green eyes, and a thinning head of hair. Peggy curtseyed as he moved past, "The Consul General, Sir Courtenany Bennett, Mrs. Murdoch, Mr. Murdoch."
"Thank you, Peggy." I stood hoping my voice was calm. "Sir Courtenany, please join us."
He sketched a quick bow, his accent much more refined than Will's. "Thank you, ma'am, would you mind?" He gestured towards the food, and when I shook my head he started in quickly. "Barely had time to have a cup of tea before I got on the train."
"You've been busy, no doubt." Will had set the paper aside, and leaned forward to make his own plate. "How are things in Washington?"
Sir Courtenany's brow creased. "Difficult, Sir Cecil has been meeting with the President since Russia mobilized."
It took a great force of will for my tea cup to not shake when I brought it to my lips. "I'm sure there's a great many things that need to be negotiated."
"Indeed," Sir Courtenany cast an eye at me. "In fact, that's part of the reason I asked to call on you."
"Oh?" I set my cup aside, not trusting myself to not drop it.
"Yes, as you know, Britain depends on her Empire." He set his plate aside, those green eyes glancing from Will back to me. "We anticipate some difficulties continuing that dependency with the current conflict."
Will spoke up, "German submarines?"
"Precisely, and Britain imports most of her food." Sir Courtenany's voice was grave. "If those supplies are threatened then many at home will starve, and some lines are already reluctant to promise to continue their current contracts. Mrs. Murdoch," He turned to me again, "Dalian Shipping has always been a great help to Britain and we should like that to continue."
"As would I." I swallowed thickly, "I hope that this conflict ends quickly." I knew that in the grand scheme of things it wasn't as if we were the largest or most prestigious line, but we were solid and dependable, which sounded as if that's what they needed at the moment.
"We all do," Sir Courtenany glanced to Will, "And I recognize that you may not view Britain in the best light with the current call up of the Reserves." He didn't wait for me to speak before barreling on, "I know your husband is a Lieutenant-Commander, and I have been authorized to make you on offer contingent on your continued business with British firms."
"And that is?" I tried, and failed, to keep my voice from quavering.
"Depending on Mr. Murdoch's decision," He nodded to Will, who had leaned forward in his chair and was listening closely. "I can either see that he is given a few weeks more before he is called up, or we could backdate a resignation for him. An honorable resignation, of course."
Will spoke quickly, "How long of a delay?"
"Nothing beyond the end of the month." Sir Courtenany sighed, "I wish I could see my way to it being longer, but Britain needs her sailors."
I had reached for Will's hand, but he stood before I could take it. "I hope you will allow me some time to consider."
"Of course," Sir Courtenany drained his cup of tea, "I'm needed at the consulate anyway. Send word there." He bowed to me. "Thank you for the meal, ma'am."
"Thank you for coming." My voice sounded far away when I spoke, and I waited until the parlor door closed before I looked to Will. "You could resign."
He sighed, his shoulders falling. "Ana, I don't know."
"It's a chance to stay!" I surged out of the chair, grasping his hands. "To stay here, safe, with me. With the woman who loves you, who wants to see you safe."
"Ana," He gave my hands a squeeze. "It's not that simple."
Why couldn't he just agree? Why couldn't he just stay here with me and everything could just continue as it was? My lips twisted, and I spat out something I regretted quickly. "Would you stay if I had already given you a child? A little boy, named after his father? Would that keep you here?"
Will stared at me, wounded. "Ana, don't-"
"Because I'm sorry Will, I'm sorry I haven't had a baby yet. But just stay, stay and I'll do anything. I won't leave the house, you can tie me to the bed if you want, but don't leave me, Will." The tears were back again, and I swiped my hand across my face. There was a chance, a chance for us to have a baby and be safe, he just had to agree.
But he closed his eyes, his head dropping. "I swore an oath, Ana."
I let go of his hands. "You swore one to me too! You swore to stay by my side!"
"I swore this one before you, before Ada, before I had anyone by me. I didn't take it lightly." His voice was firmer. "I swore to protect you, and I can do it by going."
"But our wedding vows, those you took lightly."
"I didn't say that."
"Would it be different?" I couldn't let go of that thought, that he would stay if I had a baby, and for a moment I wanted to hurt him, I wanted him to feel the way I did, with my heart wringing itself inside my chest. He had reacted badly to the thought of leaving me with a child, so I went for it again. "If I had a little boy with me as I watched you leave us?"
"Ana, don't="
"William Junior, still at my breast with his father's eyes looking at you as you sailed away to get yourself killed?"
"Ana-"
My voice was shrill, "Or what about a daughter? A little girl who'd I'd have to tell that you left, and eventually she wouldn't even remember her father because you'd be dead!"
"Jesus fucking Christ, woman!" Will grabbed my shoulders, his fingers digging into me and for a second I was frightened. He could so easily shake me, throw me across the room, but he simply held me in place while he breathed harshly. "Ana, you swore to obey me!"
"I swore no such thing, and I went over those vows before we said them! You said you didn't want to marry a servant!" I spat back, "I'm not going to stop trying to keep you safe!"
"Goddamn you, Anastasia." Will released me as suddenly as he had grabbed me, moving for the door.
"Where are you going?" I didn't follow, standing in the middle of the parlor.
He yanked the door open, still breathing furiously. "Out, before I say something I would really regret." The door slammed behind him, and I broke right there in the parlor. Did he not love me enough to stay? Why couldn't I have had a baby, or even been pregnant? He would stay if I was, I just knew it. He wanted a baby, he'd stay for a baby and I failed. I failed as a wife, I couldn't give him a baby and I couldn't make him see that everything would be so much better for us if he stayed.
Was I such a horrible person for wanting him to stay? When he spoke of his family, of the Lightollers, of anyone over in Britain who was going to serve or could be hurt by the war, I felt like the worst kind of villain because I did not care. Not when the other option was to have Will safe and by my side. I'd seen pieces in the paper that the war was expected to be over quickly, that Germany would easily take France, or vice versa, or Russia would come sweeping in, but I knew it wasn't to be.
Mother, when she had first found me reading Grant's memoirs, had told me all about the stories she heard as a girl about the War Between the States. How people thought it would be over in a month, how all it would take was one battle. But it had dragged on for years, everyone miserable and tired or fighting by the end of it. At least there had been a reason for that one to be fought, abolition was a clear goal.
There was nothing like that with this war.
I wiped my face with a napkin from the tea service, asked a maid to call Mother, and then made my way to the phone. My voice was still hoarse and wobbly from crying, "Mother, Will's left, I don't know where he went." Oh God, what if he had just gone to a ship and gotten onboard? What if he had already left?
"You've been crying." Mother sounded concerned, but it was rather hard to tell precisely through the phone. "Have you two been fighting?"
"Yes," I muttered, leaning my head against the wall. "He has a chance to stay, to resign and stay here with me but he won't take it."
A long sigh echoed from the phone, "Anastasia, dear, it is his decision to make. I know it hurts, I know you want him to stay, but it is his choice."
There was a flare of anger in my stomach at that, "But why won't he pick me?"
"Because he's a man." I could almost hear Mother roll her eyes. "Sometimes they do the most infuriating things, but you can't order him to do things. He's your husband, not your staff."
"I know, Mother." I bit my lip, "I don't want to lose him."
"And I don't want you to lose him either."
"What do I do?"
"You let him decide, and go from there." Mother always seemed so reasonable, and I thanked her for her advice before hanging up. None of the staff seemed to want to get close to me, not that I blamed them with how I had been. So Rigel was my only companion as I paced the halls, pressing close to me whenever I paused somewhere. He even accompanied me to dinner, Will still hadn't returned. I picked at the food, my mind whirring.
I hated to give up control, I hated not being able to direct things to my satisfaction. I could make fifty ships dance around the globe as I wanted them, but I couldn't control my own husband. And I had tried, oh I had tried. Crying had done nothing, anger had done nothing, and logic had failed me. So I was simply left to wait and see what my husband decided. I waited through dinner, I waited through washing up for bed, and I fell asleep waiting.
I stirred when I heard the bedroom door open, my eyes searching through the gloom. I could make out Will, more than that, I could smell him. Tobacco, beer, and a stink that I only smelled when we drove past the worst parts of the harbor. I sat up, my voice catching. "Will, what I said earlier, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
His words were slightly slurred, "Ana, I forgive you." He came closer, looking down at me like he had never seen me before. "But I'm going, at the end of the month."
My heart fell, and I reached for his hand. "Will, please-"
"No more Ana, no more fighting. I'm going, and I'd rather not have you weeping the whole time. Can you at least pretend that you're happy your husband isn't a coward? That he'll stand for something? I want to be a man you can be proud of."
"You already are," I pulled him down, wrapping my arms around his shoulders. "I'm so proud of you Will, I love you so much. You're the best husband I could ask for, and I'm so proud to be your wife."
"No more crying, please." He shuddered, pulling me tight to him. He sounded desperate as he clutched me, "I can't be here if you're crying all the time, and I want to spend every night with you until I go."
I sniffed, wiping my tears away on my sleeve. "I'll do my best, but Will-"
"I know, I know." He sighed, pulling away. "Let me go get cleaned up."
"Let me help." I threw back the blankets and stood, "I don't want to spend a second away from you that I don't have to."