She walked into her house with dry tears in her eyes. She didn't care to acknowledge Patricia, the lady who was tending to the small garden by her porch, when she asked her what was wrong.
She went straight upstairs to her parents bedroom. She barged in, making Lisa turn to her, a phone by her ear and her face shocked.
"Nevermind Daniel, I found her." she said into the phone, and then pulled it away from her ear. She studied her daughter, unrecognizable clothes on her body, and her eyes red and puffy. Her eyebrows furrowed in concern. "Baby, are you okay? What happened-"
"I'm gay." Jordan blurted out.
Lisa's eyes went wide from shock. Her expression again softened when she saw the look of fear in Jordan's eyes. She opened her arms, gasping as Jordan ran into her arms and squeezed her.
"I know baby. I've always known." she reassured, kissing the girls forehead.
Her hands rubbed Jordan's back in comfort as she squeezed her back. Jordan felt safe, and warm and accepted. Like there was nothing to hide, and like she'd been hiding for no reason all this time.
More tears escaped her eyes as her chest constricted. Lisa, upon hearing the silent sobs, embraced her tighter.
"I'm sorry." Jordan mumbled.
Lisa didn't ask what for. She knew already. She was apologizing for the fiasco with Liya, that had led Jordan to exclaim that Lisa wasn't her mother, leaving her in tears. But an apology was not what she wanted from her.
"Never apologize for saying how you feel just because it won't satisfy me-"
She pulled away, shaking her head. "It's not how I feel."
"Then how do you feel?" Lisa asked.
Jordan paused. For once she wouldn't ignore the question. For once, she would answer. She would tell her everything, from the deepest to the most shallow. She wouldn't silence herself anymore. Atleast not from Lisa. Lisa should be an exception.
"I saw Terry today." she admitted.
Lisa clears her throat, nodding. She felt a little awkward talking to Jordan about her birth mother.
It's not to say she didn't like Terry. She just didn't like the stories she's heard about her. Stories from Daniel, talking about how manipulative and controlling the woman was. Saying how Terry forced him to leave, yet after he did, she told him what useless of a man he was for leaving his children. Stories about how financially abusive Terry was, demanding money from him, claiming it was for the kids. Until eventually he made the decision to cut ties with Terry, and take his daughters with him. And after that, stories she's heard from Maya about hers and Jordan's childhood.
Regardless, she was Jordan's mother. And she couldn't stop Jordan from loving her mother.
"Honestly, I thought you would have done that a long time ago." she said. "How did it go?"
Jordan hesitated, looking down at the floor to restrain the tears.
"She's happy." She said, her tone not sounding pleased by this revelation. "How could she be happy without me? Without Maya?"
"She knows you're safe and well taken care of. As a mother, I understand that sometimes, you just want your children to be okay. Even if it's not with you." Lisa tried to console.
"You'd be happy if I left?" Jordan asked.
Lisa opened her mouth to speak, closing it again. Of course she wouldn't be. What kind of a sick being would be glad to see their child leave. She held a certain kind of resentment for Terry because of this revelation, honestly. She couldn't atleast pretend to be upset for Jordan's sake.
"What did she say when she saw you?" Lisa asked, changing the subject.
The frown that formed in Jordan's face brought an anxious feeling in her. She hoped, for the love of God, Terry wasn't as bad to her children as she was to her lover.
"How could a mother hate her child? What did I do to make her hate me?"
"What happened?" Lisa pried.
Jordan released a breath, wiping the tears that fell down her cheek. She shifted to sit on the bed, allowing Lisa to take a seat next to her.
"I talked to her." she started. "I told her she was a shitty mom. I yelled at her, and I cussed at her and she still didn't give a shit. She still blamed me. She didn't even ask how I was doing."
Lisa pat her back. "Are you okay?"
Her daughter shook her head. "I feel guilty."
"Why?" Lisa asked, with furrowed eyebrows.
"Because I shouldn't have spoken to her the way that I did. I should've just shut my mouth, or just come home." she turned to her mother, staring back into hazel orbs. "I made her cry."
Usually, Jordan felt no guilt if a truth was spoken, even though the person got hurt. Terry just held a certain kind of power over her that demolished any confidence she has on anything, including the truth. She doubts it herself, even after having experienced it. She felt she may have dramatized it just the bit to gain some kind of pity from Terry.
It may have been due to how Terry would accuse her of being dramatic at times when she expressed herself. Like if she ever fell down and started crying, instead of comforting her, she would howl at how loud she was crying, how it couldn't possibly hurt so much, and even say uncouth words to get her to shut up.
Lisa sighed, bringing her hand to Jordan's face, giving her a soft reassuring smile.
"May I ask you something? And you have to promise to answer truthfully."
Jordan nodded.
"Do you love your mother?"
The question caught Jordan off gaurd. She barely ever asked the question herself. It was never something she wondered, ever. It was an obvious, and definite yes. The only reason she would ever have denied it would have been because she felt her mother didn't love her. But she knew that she did.
Then why did she think so hard? Why did she have to rake through her brain for confirmation. Why did she have to dig for moments in her childhood when her mother was being decent, and caring.
She held on to one memory in specific. It was in first grade, mothers day. She drew her a heart, a big one. Inside it, were Maya and herself, while at the top she wrote "mommy's heart". She got home and handed it to her mother, who took it, read it, and placed a hand to her chest, engulfing Jordan into a big hug, and kissing her so many times, Jordan had to beg for her to stop. And then she took the picture and hung it on the fridge, and told her that she would look at it everyday to remind herself what an amazing artist her daughter was.
"I do" she said, returning her eyes back to reality.
Lisa smiled. "Do you love me."
She placed her hands above Lisa's on her cheek. "Of course I do. You know I do."
"What is it you love about me?" she asked.
She thought, but only for a second, before her mind formulated a response.
"I love that you're caring, and thoughtful. I love how amazing you are at cooking, because I had the worst French toast for breakfast and it only made me think about how bomb yours is." she laughed, emitting a laugh from Lisa as well. "I love that you're one woman that can handle Six kids, one of them being me, and somehow still always so positive and jolly. I love how kind you are, even though you're a little too kind sometimes. And I love that you give great advice. And..jeez mom, are you crying?"
She wiped the tears from her eyes, shaking her head in denial, and then pulling her daughter into a brief hug.
"You asked." Jordan said.
"I know. I'm glad I did." she pulled away, wiping the remainder of her tears. "Tell me something you love about Terry."
Jordan frowned at her mother. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, what is it you love about Terry."
Lisa may as well have been speaking French. Of course, Jordan knew she didn't hate Terry. She just didn't know what it was she loved about her.
Then again, she didn't quite know what love was. Otherwise she'd have an answer.
"I don't know what love is." she answered, contradicting her former response.
Lisa chuckled. "That's ridiculous. You know exactly what it is. You just lose its meaning when you associate the word with your mother. Jordan, I have nothing against Terry. I respect her as the woman who gave birth to you, and taking her place is not my intention. But I need you to understand that you don't love her. And thinking that you do might lead you to show the kind of love that she gave you to others, confusing it for a true feelings. The love that I give you, that is love. Not what your mother did. That isn't love."
"Then what is it?"
The question evoked a silence. Now, how was Lisa supposed to answer to that? Was she to tell Jordan that her mother was not capable of loving. That she simply cared too much about her own self to even give a thought about others.
"I don't know." she said instead.
Jordan nods. She understood. Infact she realized it a long time ago. Accepting it was just hard, especially under the condition that she didn't know the reason that would've led he mother not to love her.
Lisa knew the girl would spend the night wondering and thinking about it. Jordan was obsessed with finding reason for everything. If an answer wasn't provided, she would think until she formulated her own.
"Enough of that, huh." Lisa said, patting her daughters face with a smile that would hopefully lighten the mood. "Tell me about that girl you went out with."
Jordan cringed. "You really knew this whole time?"
"I had a look into your drawers. I didn't even know you read. It's no wonder your English grades improved."
There was also the fact that she walked, talked and dressed like a teenage boy.
"Why are you in my drawers?" she asked in frustration.
She didn't like to read. But three years prior, when began to doubt her sexuality, she bought a book by Jodi Picoult called 'sing you home'. Since then, she couldn't quite stop.
She guessed that Lisa, being the book worm that she is, probably grew an interest in one of the books from Jordan's 'Library' and decided to take a look. Either that, or she had eyes, and some of the book covers weren't exactly censored.
"It doesn't matter." Lisa answered. "This girl. When will I be meeting her?"
Jordan sighed, falling back on the bed as she placed her hands on her face.
"Possibly never."
Her mother frowned. "How come? I mean, I don't want to force you or anything, but it would be nice to meet her."
"It's not that. I just don't feel how I used to about her." Quite honestly, Jordan doesn't feel the way she used to feel about anyone. Lisa included. "And I don't think either of us are capable of a healthy relationship. I know I've got alot to mend within myself."
Lisa's heart warmed at her daughters words. She always knew Jordan was mature, yet everytime, it shocked her to hear the girl speak like she was born fifty five years ago.
"That's really smart." she said. "Although, I am a little disappointed. I can't atleast have a name?"
"No. This conversation is over." Jordan responded sternly.
Lisa waved her hand off. "Oh, you're so much like your father, it's almost annoying. Just tell me a name and I'll move on."
"I am nothing like him." Jordan defended.
"That's what you think. You wonder why you both clash the way that you do. You're both so keen on being in charge."
Lisa was well aware of Jordan's dislike towards her father. She knew it was more than just a personality clash. Although, she was curious and would've wanted to know what sort of misunderstanding may have caused it, she didn't want to pry. Atleast not right now.
Her daughter was being the most open she's ever been. She didn't want to ruin it by rushing her into saying any more.
She pulled her daughter closer, wrapping her arms around her body. Jordan allowed Lisa to lay her chin on her shoulder, and then whisper against her ear.
"Much like you, he's a sensitive man behind his hard shell. Trust me, I, would know. I've been with him through thick and thin." Lisa chuckled, carressing Jordan's arm comfortingly. "I just hope that when you find a girl, you'll open up to her the way he did with me. Of course, he wasn't much of a challenge."
"I don't think I'll ever find someone." Jordan thought out loud.
Her mother released a slow breath, squeezing her tighter and placing a kiss on her jaw.
"You will." she reassured. "You just have to be willing. The sooner you open yourself up to be vulnerable, the sooner it will happen."
Jordan considered the advice. She had opened up enough with both Chrissy and Valery, and it had led her to where she is today. Caution had led her be less hurt then she already was. Maybe Lisa was right. But what she didn't consider in her advice, was the risk of a horrible heartache. A risk Jordan would never take.
"Valery." she said. "Her name's Valery."
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A/n: I'm sorry I'm not that good at heartfelt stuffs. I'm not a very affectionate person so this shit honestly just makes me cringe. 😔