(Hey, loves. Did you like the cliffhanger? ;))
(I don't want to spoil the chapter, so A/N at the end.)
(Also, please comment on every paragraph. I'm tired of having no comments, it makes me anxious tbh.)
<DESTRUCTION'S POV>
My eyes widened as I realized the truth.
I could kill myself with my power.
I smiled softly, thousands of ideas and scenarios immediately coming to my mind.
I could finally die.
Where would I go? Raw power killed entities, it didn't fade them, so that ruled out Tartarus. The Underworld, perhaps? I shook my head, smirking.
I didn't need to think about it.
I looked around. I couldn't just kill myself in a mortal park. I needed to say goodbye to my army and a few of the gods, but if I told them what I was going to do, they wouldn't let me.
But a certain god had to.
"Hermes," I called out softly.
I probably looked like a mess, but I didn't care. Hermes materialized in front of me, doing a double take once he saw me.
"Hey, P-Destruction," Hermes greeted with a small smile.
"Hermes," I greeted back with a small laugh.
Hermes looked at me curiously.
"You could give people some messages without me having to tell you why, right?" I asked.
"Yeah," he replied, "Besides, it's a part of privacy, so I can't ask you, either."
I gave a sigh of relief. Hermes looked at me suspiciously.
"Tell Apollo that he's an amazing god, though I probably shouldn't inflate his ego too much," I said with a wet chuckle.
Hermes was looking more worried and suspicious than ever.
"Hestia, she's the kindest of them all, she's incredible, and she deserves more than the Olympians give her," I went on.
"Hades, he's one of my favorites, he's incredible and doesn't get any recognition," I continued.
"And you, Hermes, are the best god I could've ever asked to meet," I concluded with another wet chuckle, tears streaming down my face by now.
Hermes looked even more concerned.
"Tell Eta that he was the best brother ever, Dove was an amazing sister, Forger was an incredible brother, and Star was the best sister I could've asked for," I added lastly.
Hermes nodded.
"Oh, and tell Order that she was incredible, and she was like a sister to me as well," I said.
Hermes looked like he wanted to question the reasoning for these messages, but didn't. Like he said, he couldn't.
"Chaos...I dunno, he was...I don't want to say anything," I concluded, shaking my head.
I looked up at Hermes with a watery smile.
"Why do you want me to give them these messages? What happened?" He blurted out, unable to keep it in.
I sighed. I wasn't angry at Hermes, obviously, and perhaps it would be nice to tell him.
"Swear on Styx that you won't repeat this to anybody," I told him seriously.
Hermes nodded immediately.
"I swear on Styx that I will not repeat anything that you are about to tell me," he said solemnly.
I nodded and grabbed his hand, leading him away.
"You know how I killed End and Void, right? The exact way I killed them and not made them fade?" I asked him.
Hermes shook his head, looking at me with curiosity and interest.
"Raw power. So much raw power that they couldn't take it. They're dead, with bodies, not faded. They can't come back, not unless somebody with power matching Order or mine's tries to resurrect them," I told him, avoiding Chaos' name.
"Entities can die?" Hermes asked with surprise.
"No," I replied.
Hermes looked confused.
"We can't die, we can't fade, we can't dissappear in any way," I explained incredulously.
Hermes gaped at me.
"But you managed to kill them," he whispered out.
I smirked sadistically and nodded.
"I told you to never underestimate my powers," I said calmly.
Hermes looked at me with fear in his eyes. I rolled my eyes.
"Hermes, my dude, we're good," I stated.
Hermes gave me a tight smile and nodded.
"Well, what're you going to do? Now?" He asked.
"I realized... if my power can kill End and Void, I can kill myself," I explained.
Hermes' eyes widened.
"Destruction, wh-what?!" He yelled.
I flinched and stepped back. Hermes' eyes widened at my reaction. He came toward me and gently put his hand on my shoulder.
"Why?" He whispered sadly, gazing into my eyes.
"I've wanted to kill myself since I was eighteen, Hermes, and that didn't change over the last thousand years," I told him with a wet chuckle.
Hermes frowned, watching me sadly. I sighed and grabbed the sleeve of my hoodie, lifting it up. My scars and scabs were facing up for us to see. My entire arm was basically scar tissue by now, and random scabs were left.
Hermes was staring at my arm with wide, horror filled eyes.
"Destruction..." He whispered, stunned in horror.
"Being immortal, you obviously can't kill yourself. But, I have a little advantage with being the most powerful entity in the universe. My amount of power can kill entities."
Hermes was still frozen in shock and terror.
"Destruction, what happened to you?" He whispered sadly, looking at me with tearful eyes.
"Major Depressive Disorder, anxiety, social anxiety, PTSD, I think there were a few more..." I muttered.
Hermes sighed incredulously.
"You can't. Please, don't do this," he whispered sadly.
"Why not? Why not, Hermes, if I have nothing to live for? I've only lived for the last thousand years for Chaos, and now he betrayed me, so why should I live?!" I asked him.
"Please, there are loads of people who care about you, and just don't. Please. We can help you, I can help you, anything. Just don't, please," Hermes begged with a small sob.
I stood in shock of the god crying.
"I-I- Hermes-" I stuttered, unable to make a coherent sentence.
Hermes looked up at me with begging eyes. I bit my lip, making my hand into fists.
"I have to. Listen, it's worse for me to live, I live in sadness and regret, my PTSD will haunt me forever, my anxiety doubles things over, nothing about me living is good. I'm being selfless, living for others, like Chaos, Eta, Forger, Order, Dove, and Star," I tried, barely maintaining my sobs.
"I've been selfless, and I can't do it anymore. I just want to die. I wanted to die when I killed myself as a demigod. I lived for others, but I never wanted to," I whispered sadly.
"Hermes... sometimes, it's better to be the bad guy rather than the good guy," I told him quietly, ending with a small sob.
"Destruction, you can't tell me to do nothing!" He yelled incredulously.
I flinched back a bit but looked at him pleadingly.
"I don't want to live, though," I whispered, so quietly that Hermes wouldn't have heard ot if he wasn't a god.
Hermes looked at me sadly, tears falling from his eyes.
"Please, it can get better, we can make it better," he whispered back, looking at me desperately.
"Hermes, Chaos has told me that for the past thousand years," I choked out.
"But what can I do to make you believe it?" He whispered.
"Nothing," I murmured.
Hermes shook his head.
"I need to at least try. Destruction, I can't let you do this. I just can't."
I bit my lip, not knowing what to say. Even after all those years, the same loyalty that broke me stayed in me.
"But I have tried, Hermes, I have, and it only resulted in me being more depressed," I told him desperately.
Hermes looked at me with sadness.
"I thought I'd lost you to suicide for a thousand years. It was horrible, and I don't want you to do this, because then, it'd be true," Hermes said.
"And I wish I had died back then. It's Chaos' fault, he tried, but he didn't try hard enough. He looked at my depression as a part of me that would somehow someday pass. He didn't make the effort to fix me at least the smallest bit," I began.
"He was relaxed with the fact that I couldn't kill myself because I was immortal," I continued bitterly.
"I think, on some level, he always knew I could. He always calmed me down whenever i had cracks of power around me because I can't control my emotions and whatever. He knew that if I discovered that part of my power, I would do it," I murmured.
I looked up at Hermes again, looking at him sadly.
"I trusted him, and he gave away my deepest secret."
Hermes looked desperate.
"But please, can't we do anything?!"
I tightened my fists.
"Don't you get it?! Earth broke me, betrayal broke me, and Chaos was the only thing I had! He was always there for me, he comforted me, he saw me at my weakest and was there for me! I trusted him with my life, I told him my time as a demigod even when it gave me PTSD, I told him all of my secrets, I always talked to him about everything! I trusted him! And he betrayed me, like my time on Earth, he just betrayed me! I trusted him to keep it a secret, and he didn't!" I yelled, tears streaming down my face.
"And I didn't even notice it! He told everybody my tells of when I'm having a panic or anxiety attack, he even told Order my biggest secret! I trusted him, I really did!" I sobbed.
Hermes gently stepped forward and put his arms around me. I hugged him back, sobs wracking my body. We sank to the floor.
I was too emotional to be thinking about how I was being weak in front of a mere god. That said, the mere god was Hermes. I was too scared to trust anybody anymore, but my loyalty couldn't help but give me attachment issues. I could use my power to make sure Hermes didn't tell anybody, but even at my darkest times, Hermes was somebody I trusted.
But could I trust anybody anymore?
After Earth?
After Chaos?
I couldn't think of anything else at the moment. I had just had enough of it, and I couldn't stop sobbing. Hermes was hugging me and gently muttering words of comfort.
I hugged him back tightly, wanting to just get away from this world, this universe, even just for a second.
I took shaky deep breaths, my body wracking with suppressed, silent sobs. I looked at Hermes, putting my head on his shoulder and curling in on myself a little.
"Do you feel better now?" He asked quietly.
"Y-yeah. A little," I answered hoarse.
I sighed and leaned more into Hermes.
"How're you?" He murmured.
"Numb. But at least I don't feel as overwhelmed anymore," I murmured back, closing my eyes.
I soon realized I was drifting off to sleep and opened my eyes, not wanting to sleep with so much on my mind, plus with Chaos reminding me of that.
I looked at Hermes from the corner of my eye. He was quietly staring at the sky, probably bored.
"Why do you care if I die?" I asked suddenly.
Hermes looked at me incredulously.
"What did you expect me to do? Be happy? I care a lot about you, Destruction, and I'd never want you to die. And if you did die, that would be the one I would least want," Hermes said, purposefully avoiding the 's' word.
I was glad he avoided saying it, because I felt like it would be a trigger.
"I think I'm going to listen to you," I mused quietly.
Hermes hummed thoughtfully.
"I don't want to just give up. I might've done it as a demigod, but I just want to be happy. Chaos just couldn't give that to me," I murmured.
"Perhaps somebody else could," Hermes mused.
I hummed thoughtfully.
"Perhaps."
(A/N: hey. Hey. Hi. It's me. Yes, this is a 2k+ word chapter!! I'm so happy!! Now, Hercy or Perpollo or Ordercy? Personally, Hercy seems best rn, and I made the ships after I wrote this chapter, so... I dunno. It's 01:50 rn and I haven't had a good night of sleep since last month, and I'm slowly getting more incoherent. Hopefully you liked the chapter, PLEASEEEE COMMENT ON EVERYTHING!! It makes me anxious to not have any comments, I dunno if you hate it and I just want some comments to read bcuz they make me happy no matter the content!!<3)