I slowed my pace when I was down the hall from the office.
I had been so furious with both Kaz and Inej's lack of faith in Saxton's chance at a better life. That I had stubbornly blocked out Kaz's words.
I started replaying them in my head with each step I took. I knew he was right of course and I wanted to rage at how cruel life was.
I should probably apologize to them both but my pride refused to let me turn around and go back to the office.
I found Saxton and Diana sitting in a booth playing some card game. I went over to them and Saxton got up immediately giving me a big hug. My heart ached for the sweet boy,knowing I would likely not succeed in saving him from the same fate many youths experienced in this city.
Diana's cheek was bandaged and she was still a little pale but she gave me a smile.
" How are you both? Did you get some sleep last night?" I asked them
" Amira this place is so cool. Jesper let me hold his pistol, he said if I worked hard I could have one of my own. Isn't that awesome?" Saxton exclaimed excitement shining on his small face.
I didn't want him to need any weapons but I needed to start being realistic with my expectations.
I said to him seriously," A gun isn't a toy Saxton you can seriously hurt or kill someone. It is a tool and it needs to be handled carefully and you are still to young for that. I did want to ask you something though."
I hated seeing the boy look sad but the benefit of youth was the ability to bounce back from disappointment rather quickly. He asked me happily, " What is it Amira?"
" Would you like to have a teacher of your own? Did you want to learn your letters and how to read better?" I asked him
I saw his eyes widen in excitement and I knew the answer," I can have that, really Amira?" He asked anxiously
I ruffled his blonde hair affectionately as I gave him a bright smile," I will make it so."
He hugged me again and I felt an ache of longing inside me. It had my mind racing and thinking about a possible future of holding my own child one day,Kaz's child.
Diana smiled over at us and she seemed to realize what I was mentally struggling with because she placed her hands in mine and said softly," It will happen one day soon Amira. "
I shook myself and glanced at her. She was looking at me strangely
" What? What do you mean Diana?"
She glanced down at my stomach briefly before looking back at me with a serene look on her face.It startled me as she seemed so much older than I knew she was.
I put a hand on my flat stomach and felt the hair on my arms rise as a sudden chill spread through my body.
What the hell was happening to me?
Diana had never talked about her family or her past. I kept going over the interactions we had had over the years. Diana had always been very intuitive and seemed to have foresight of things that had yet to happen.
I recalled a conversation we had had one night after I had been carried up to my bed from the beating I had been given for being too outspoken.
Diana had been tasked with nursing my wounds and I recalled her telling me I'd be free soon, that I would fly away from there. I had thought then that she was just trying to comfort me but had she known I would meet the crows and end up staying with them?
" Diana did you know?" I asked her needing to know for my own sanity.
She smiled widely at me and nodded before she sauntered away from me without another word. I was too stunned to speak up again and stall her. When I finally gathered myself enough to glance in the direction she had walked, she was no where in sight.
" What the?" I gasped
Saxton was looking for her too and he was wide eyed. It was like she had simply vanished.
"Okay that was weird right?" Saxton asked me
I nodded trying not to show him how unsettled it had made me.
Diana's words kept repeating in my head, One day soon,one day soon
Just how soon would that be. Now I was anxious and doing some more mental math. Kaz and I had unprotected sex the other night and my monthly was due to start next week. Shit, would I get pregnant. I would need to wait and see what happens over the next week.
I needed to talk to Kaz but he had alot on his plate and I wouldn't needlessly stress him out over a what if.
Plus I couldn't do what I had to do if I knew I was carrying his child, I would not risk it.
I glanced to Saxton who was looking at me worriedly. " Why don't you go get some food for us Saxton I find im starving, could you do that for me.?"
Saxton grinned happy to be given the task, " Yes of course Amira, I'll be right back ."
I grinned watching the boy race off to the kitchen.
I used the time to go visit Nina, I needed her opinion.
Nina was sitting up eating when I entered her room.
She set the tray aside and gave me a bright smile.
" Hi Amira." Nina beamed at me
" You up for company right now Nina?" I asked her
She smiled and nodded and I returned the smile as I came over to sit at her bedside. After settling myself I glanced over to her asking her softly," How are you feeling?"
" Much better actually, head only throbs occasionally now. I'm on the mend." Nina said in good spirits.
I was relieved she was feeling better. I didn't want to burden her with my worries but I needed advice and I didn't have anyone else to ask.
" Nina how soon can you get pregnant after intercourse?" I asked her
Nina's eyes widened as she looked over at me. " Amira were you not using the tonic I gave you?"
I sighed," I did the first time. The second time, well it was after everything and I wasn't thinking about that. I just wanted to feel something different."
Nina sighed as she responded gently," I get it hon I do. No judgement from me. When is your next monthly?"
" Should start next week sometime. I have regular cycles each month. Do you think there is a chance?" I asked her anxiously
" It would be too early to know yet but we'll see come next week. Have you voiced your concerns to Kaz yet?" Nina, asked me.
" No I don't want to bother him with this if it doesn't turn into anything, he doesn't need to stress. " I said quietly
Nina grimaced," This is something he deserves to know about, this could be a life changing situation Amira."
"What do I need to know?" I groaned as both Nina and I turned to see Kaz standing in the doorway. The man had impeccable timing.
When I didn't reply he asked again this time more seriously, " Amira ,what do I need to know? No secrets, no lies."
I glared at him, " It isn't anything definite yet so you really don't need to know."
Nina sighed " Kaz knock it off, she is allowed to keep things to herself if she needs to. She isn't going to betray you or hurt you so let it be could you. The tension between you two is so thick I can cut it with a knife. She came to me first because it's something you cannot help with anyhow so if you're going to brood, take it outside you're ruining the plesant mood I had going. "
Kaz growled," Amira we'll talk about this more tonight. I apologize Nina I had just wanted to check in on you. I'll leave you ladies to talk. "
I sighed as I watched Kaz's broad back depart from the room. I didn't want this. I didn't want him to start to doubt me, but I couldn't tell him anything if I wasn't sure it was real.
Nina grabbed my hands and I snapped out of my spiral.
" It's going to be fine Amira. Kaz will understand but please tell him after. You'll know come next week. And Amira stick to cuddling from now would you. " Nina teased
I laughed ," That is what got my in this situation in the first place. I cannot just cuddle with that bastard, he brings out the most carnal needs in me."
Nina laughed," Oh my saints, I knew the man was meticulous. I'm thrilled for you that he can give you pleasure. It does definitely make a difference who you share it with. "
I started blushing as I said quietly, " Sorry if that was an overshare, I'm sure you didn't want to know Kaz is good in bed. "
Nina grinned, "Woman I knew that man would be, it's always the one's who don't seem to show any interest in it, who don't boast, they carry themselves with quiet confidence. They are the dangerous ones, because they become addictive. "
She gave me a knowing look and I laughed because she was right of course.
"Sorry for interrupting your meal Nina. Thank you for listening to my worries. I haven't had a friend to confide in like this in some time so it means alot to me. More than you can possibly imagine. " I told Nina as I got up to go find Saxton and get a bite myself.
Nina stopped me at the door saying softly," I meant what I said earlier Amira, you are important to me and im glad you're here. I will say I'm excited now with the possibility of becoming an aunt. Auntie Nina has a nice ring to it doesn't it?"
I smiled fighting tears as I replied, " Yes Nina it certainly does."