The cool forest air makes me shiver slightly as I hang on tightly to James's neck, not wanting to fall.
"You're going to be alright," he grunts. I loosen my hold around him but still cling close to him. Though we've been walking for quite a while and he's been talking the whole time, I've kept quiet. I mean who can really blame me? Who'd want to talk to a murderer? Let alone talk to them while receiving a piggyback ride from them. This is on so many levels wrong.
Instead of engaging in conversation, I listen but not to him. I listen to the faint sounds of cricketing around us and the distant sound of water flowing as we walk further and further away from it. I keep my eyes peeled for any sight of people as well, but God is never on my side, so I eventually stop and take in my surroundings.
Everything around us is covered in moss; the trees, roots, and fallen logs. I've never been one to enjoy nature and all its features that comes with it. Whenever I do, I'd go back inside because a bug decides to crawl on me. Even now I still feel so uncomfortable. The air is dense, making the back of my neck moist in sweat. Every time I hear a branch crack, my mind starts to think of a bear or other dangerous creatures out here that could possibly be following us. I want to try closing my eyes and blocking everything out but the image of James killing that boy from earlier plays out in my mind. This sucks, I can't even distract myself. I'm left with nothing to do except listen to whatever the hell James was saying.
"Tell me something about yourself, I'm starting to feel like I'm talking to myself."
"Do I really need to?"
"It would make our journey feel less like a journey and more like a quick walk."
I bite my bottom lip as I think of what to say. "Well......I have a brother; his name is Angus. He's the only person whose been checking on me this whole time I've been gone up until now. He's probably losing his mind now that I haven't been able to check in with him."
"Do you miss him?"
"Obviously."
James grows quiet for a moment as he suddenly stops walking. Since I'm behind him, I can't exactly read his expression. Just as I try to break the silence, he carefully lifts me up more, readjusting my position, then proceeds to walk forward. "Tell me more about him," his voice was low almost as if he was upset about something. I decide to not ask him about his behavior and tell him more about Angus.
The conversation starts off with me telling him about our childhood together and how our parents always treated us differently. Then it escalates into our teen years until I realize that I'm basically telling him about me and my brothers whole life story up until now.
"He's now happily married with a beautiful baby girl. I love them all so much. His wife is just like him, if not better."
The uncomfortable feeling I had a little while ago starts to fade as If it were never there in the first place. Anytime I talk about Angus I feel like everything bad around me doesn't matter anymore. I'm so envious of him and his family, they're everything I wanted in a family when I was a kid. So nice, welcoming and nonjudgmental.
"Angus is so lucky that he even managed to make a little great person just like him. My niece is an exact replica of her father." A small smile forms on my face as I picture the last time I saw her. Though I haven't seen Angus or his family in a while, the longing feeling of happiness never goes away.
"You seem to admire him a lot."
"I do. Though I'm also jealous. He has something I've always wanted."
"And what is that?"
"A loving family," I admit subconsciously.
"Shit," I mumble to myself. That isn't exactly something you should just admit out loud, especially to someone like him. I can't believe I just said that. My mind just goes blank as I bite my bottom lip thinking of what James will say to judge me. He's always saying something sly and underhanded, so I expect the worst to happen, but it doesn't. Instead, he says nonchalantly," What's so wrong about wanting something so good?"
My worries linger but not as much as before. Maybe I was overreacting.
"Huh...you're right," I chuckle in relief.
"But I do have a question. If you want that so badly why not just build it for yourself?"
My brows knit together as I tilt my head," What do you mean?"
"I mean you say that your family hates you right? You're a fuck up in their eyes. So why not find someone and make your own family like your brother did?"
His question was simple now that I thought about it. He's right, I could've just done that but there's one problem," No one has ever loved me enough to want to build a family with me."
James listens carefully as I continue," When I have my own family I want my feelings for my wife to be mutual. If there's no love in our marriage and she winds up pregnant, then we'll only be staying together for the kid. What kind of person would I'd be to raise someone with love when their own parents don't feel it between each other? Then maybe the kid might grow to hate me. Then it'll all just be a continuation of the family I have now. When I find the right person who will love me unconditionally, I want to make a strong family with them like my brother, that's why I'm so envious of him. He truly has it all."
"I think maybe that's what I've done with my family. At first, I only married my wife because she was pregnant with our daughter, but then overtime I grew to love her, but it was too late. She fell for another man and managed to convince our daughter that he was a better fit than me. So yeah, wanting something good should never be treated as a bad thing."
James turns his head a little towards me so I could see the small smile on his face, it seemed genuine yet sad. My breathing hitches as I take in a breath. It feels like we've bonded somehow over this small conversation. Fuck. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't felt it. It feels strange knowing that we have something to relate too.
He turns his attention back forward and stops," We're here."
"Huh really?" I look around to find that were just a few feet away from a heavy waterfall. 'Holy shit we really made it? He was right when he said talking with each other would make the journey feel like a walk. But did he really carry me all the way up here? ' I raise my chest off his back a bit to look and see the river we'd just came from, it looked much smaller from up here.
He slowly let's go of the backs of my thighs and places me down gently. My foot still stung a bit, but I swallowed the pain and took a step away from him, putting some needed distance between us. He stretches his back as I lift up my injured foot slightly.
"Was I really that heavy?" I joke halfheartedly.
"Humongous I'm afraid," he jokes back.
I let out an overdramatic laugh to his not even funny joke. He stares at me blankly.
'God why am I so fucking embarrassing,' I curse myself. It's not like I was doing it on purpose, I just feel so awkward with the conversation we just had. "So anyways, why are we up here?" I rub the back of my neck as I look at how high we are from where we just were once more.
"There's usually always a secret spot behind waterfalls. I want to use it as a shower system to get this blood off me."
"Why didn't you just do that in the river back there?"
He shrugs his shoulders sluggishly," I figured it would feel much better up here."
I nod, not really sure of what to say. Now that were up here, so high from the leveled ground I feel so queasy. Without saying anything more, James begins walking over to the falls, or actually the falling water from the large mountain over us. I follow behind him closely since the whole area around us was slippery. We enter the side of the falls to where a small like cave was. James goes over to the water and reaches his hand out in it. Though the water was heavy, his hand didn't move an inch as it drenched in it. He reaches his other hand in and places them together, making a bowl with his hands. I stay as close to the wall of the cave as possible. He uses the water he catches to rub over his bare chest. As he cleans himself, he turns his attention towards me.
Seeing me nervous, he asks," Are you scared of getting wet?"
"I'm just scared of falling, I don't have any shoes after all."
His gaze lowers down to my bare and wounded feet. He seemed to remember something but didn't say much.
"Come here," He doesn't demand me but still I obey his command until I'm standing beside him, feeling the mist of the falls on my face.
"It's so high up," I let out a shaky breath. His calm demeanor is making me nervous, how is he not freaking out right now?
"Your eyes are glassy."
I turn my head towards him saying," It's just from the wat—" but before I could finish my sentence, I find my cheek being cupped by his large wet hand. He lifts my face up as he leans down a bit so that we're face to face.
"I—"
"—I'm sorry," he cuts me off once more. His voice seemed more deeper than usual. He stares at me intently like he's in a hallucination. I could see my reflection in his dark pupils.
The misty cold air suddenly feels it had become hot, making my body warm. I'm at a loss of words, no It's not that. It's just that I was talking but nothing was coming out. Stuttered breaths leave my trembling lips as I struggled to speak.
It isn't until he says," You're going to be okay." When I'm finally able to say," Huh?"
Without an answer he suddenly pushes me forward. I can feel my stomach dropping with my body as I fall into the heavy water. James's image leaves my sight, replaced with darkness as I'm thrown into the deepest depths of the falls.