~ Harry's _ POV +
Ever since Alison gave me that lighter, I've made it something I will always be in need of. The simple flame lasted all these years, and to me it was a symbol. A symbol of what? I don't know, but it was a symbol of some sort.
I never used another lighter, I refused to use another lighter. Using another lighter would make it as if I was betraying Alison, and that was how I managed to keep clean for so long but when I found the lighter hidden in an old jacket I slipped into old habits once again.
It was a form of OCD; and although I hate to use the term of OCD for anything other than what it really is, that's what it was. A form of OCD.
I don't have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, it was just one of those few things where you feel as if you do. A form.
The rent on the motel room was up, so I found myself back at my mum's house and taking up my old bedroom.
I know I said I didn't want to intrude on my mum and sister, but my other option was Stella which I didn't want to be an option at all.
But at the moment, I sat at the floor in front of Stella's bed as she occupied herself in the restroom.
We were in the middle of December, the cold weather making it obvious, January was creeping its way up on me like it always did.
A new year I didn't want to come.
I dreaded 2015, for fear that it would be much worst than 2014. And 2014 has shown to be a bitter-sweet year.
I felt the mattress against my back shift, and a pair of arms come to my shoulders.
"Why are you so stressed?" Stella asked rubbing circles on my muscles with her palms and thumbs.
"It's what people feel at times, Stella" I sighed, "You know, people who care about what they're doing with their lives"
"I'm not a kid, you don't have to treat me like one" she positioned herself behind me.
"It's a simple solution" I told her, "Quit acting like a kid"
"You are stressed" she sighed, "What's got you like this?"
I breathed out shakily, bringing my hands together "January is a tough month for me, and the horrid month is about to come"
"Oh poor baby" she muttered bringing her chin to my shoulder and making me shift uncomfortably, "What happened in January?"
"I prefer not to talk about it" I told her.
Her hands came to my chest as she rested her head on my neck, "You know, I can help you feel better"
"Just let me take over for tonight" she slid off the bed and brought her legs around my torso and her arms to my neck.
Grabbing her thighs I pushed her off of me, "I don't sub"
She furrowed her eyebrows trying to get on me again, "Stop" I got up from the floor, "I'm not going to let you lead"
"Why fucking not?" she asked sounding angry.
"Because, Stella, I don't sub. I don't let people ride me. Do you want me to paint a picture?" I got annoyed walking to the door.
"Why are you being such a little bitch?" she called making me turn around.
"I could ask you the same question" I said opening the door and exiting the place.
It seemed as if whenever I went to Stella's flat, I left feeling angrier than I did when I first showed up. Not like I'm a constant angry person.
Stella and I just never agree on many things.
"I'm sorry" I heard her voice echo through the empty hallway from where I waited for the lift to come up, "I'm immature, I know"
"I know that too" I sighed pressing the lift button again.
"I guess I have no filter"
"You don't, you really don't" I agree looking to her and seeing an offended face, "I'm only agreeing with what you said"
The lift dinged and the doors swung open, having me walk inside but Stella follow.
"I'm sorry" she repeated.
"It's fine" I told her, holding my hand out for her to exit the lift.
"No it's not" she said softly, "I know that face, I hold it everyday"
"Oh, is it your turn to give me a sob story. Paying back for all the ones I suffered you through?"
The doors closed, leaving the two of us to be in the enclosed area together.
"I didn't suffer through your stories, Harry" Stella told me, "I was actually interested in what you had to tell me"
I looked to her, biting the inside of my mouth, "Just tell me the sob story" I muttered.
She looked down to the floor, hesitating before speaking up.
The doors dinged open before she got the chance to open her mouth.
I sighed, waiting for her to exit first before following her out to the front doorways.
Leaving me clueless, she walked outside and sat at the curve of the pavement. Next to a parked taxi cab.
I stayed standing behind her, feeling the artificial wind made by the cars driving by hit my cold face.
"My brother's in prison" she said, making me furrow my eyebrows and rub the back of my neck.
"I'm sorry"
"Don't be, he deserves it" she said bringing her knees to her chest, "I mean I love him but, he was fucking stupid"
"What did he do?" I asked whilst I fumbled with me feet.
"He tried to get me sleeping with people a business" she explained, "I didn't agree to it of course...and, I-I reported him"
With an exhale, I bent down to sit next to her on the pavement.
"When was this?" I looked to her.
She sighed shakily, rubbing her eyes from the potential tears that can escape, "Last month" she responded, "I just feel like I betrayed him"
"You did the right thing" I made clear, "Stella, he wanted to use you. You showed him who was the bigger person"
"Yeah but he was all I had" she looked to me with her eyes becoming glossy.
"What do you mean?"
"I don't have parents" she began to say whilst she wiped her eyes, "They gave my brother and I up when we were nine, no one would adopt a kid that old so" she shrugged, "We turned eighteen and we were out, came to England"
"Is he your twin brother?" I asked, figuring when she said 'we turned eighteen'.
She nodded.
"Have you suffered through my sob story enough?" she tried to laugh.
I shook my head, "I'm not suffering" I assured her.
"An neither did I"
I looked at her, "Why?" I asked.
"Because, believe it or not, I actually am interested in what you have to say"
I looked at her, furrowing my eyebrows having a hunch of what she said. But I shrugged it off.
"You don't need your brother" I told her, "You're proving to yourself that you can live without him"
"How? Sleeping with every guy I meet?" she laughed nervously, "And pretending like I don't have feelings for one of them!"
I pursed my lips and stood from the pavement, "Then stop pretending" I told her, having an ounce of doubt it was me she was talking about.
"I can't" she choked, "He loves someone else"
I stopped my breathing and brought the pads of my fingers to the bridge of my nose, "Stella..."
"I know, it's fucking stupid"
"You can't have feelings for me" I told her.
"You think I don't know that?" she stood up and looked to me.
"I'll never feel the same"
Her features dropped, "You won't?"
"No, I'll never have feelings for you Stella"
"I'm so fucking stupid" she muttered, "It's because of her"
"Don't you fucking dare" I snapped, "She has had and always will have the feelings I'll ever have for someone"
"Yeah, I figured that" she clenched her teeth.
Tears ran down her cheeks, "You can't just talk to me like we just did seconds ago and tell me you don't care about me" she choked.
"I didn't say I didn't care about you, I said I can't" I told her, "Listen, you cannot let me be the reason you break"
She said nothing, but silently cried.
I looked away, at anything that wasn't her saddened, broken face.
"I'm sorry" I said, trying to sound with no sympathy.
Stuffing my numb fingers into my pants pockets, I began my way down the pavement.
___________________
Bro.
This is one of those moments where I want you to feel sympathy for Stella and what she just had to go through and it's also one of those moments where someone doesn't get their happy ending. And also when you want to choke me but hey
Song on the side >> one of my all time favorite artists
Save Your Heart by Mayday Parade