'Time.
That's all he needs.
I can give him that...... but for how long? How long can I really stand not being around him? Not being able to see his delicate smile. Not being able to feel my heart melt every time I see his hazel eyes.
Can I really do this?'
"I have to."
"You have to what dear?" My mother asks before taking a sip of her wine.
I raise my head up, realizing that I'm at the dinner table.
'How did I get here? Was I here the whole time? '
My gaze shifts over to the maids in line, but I don't see him. I can feel my head pounding as I lean back in my chair, pushing away my dinner plate slightly. The aroma of baked chicken Shelly made was beginning to irritate my senses.
Noticing my slight change in my attitude, my mother speaks up," Dear, is there something wrong with your dinner?"
I rub over my closed eyelids, trying to ease my upcoming migraine.
"No, it's fine."
"Then why don't you eat?"
"Because I'm not hungry?"
"Should I call the doctor?"
"At this time of night? No, I'm fine. Just stop......"
"...Stop what?"
"Talking."
My mother lowers her gaze to her plate as she stops pestering me. I knew that she would rat me out to my father once he returns home tomorrow but I didn't care. Everything was irritating me; I can't be bothered with her when the one person I truly care for, finds me overbearing.
My chair scrapes against the hardwood floor as I stand.
"I'm not hungry."
"But dear you haven't eaten a proper meal in days," My mother tries to get me to stay but I ignore her as I head upstairs.
I try finding something to do by reading a book in the library, but I eventually get bored. The time was now past nine meaning that all our maids weren't needed anymore. I go over to the balcony to watch as they walk home, when my eyes suddenly fall upon Shawn waiting for Shelly near a tree. I can already feel my heart racing just from the look of him. As the older maids greet him as they pass by, his eyes meet mine. The smile he had just now falls into a frown as he stares up at me.
'How long has it been since I last saw him? Like four days. That has to have been enough time for him to miss me. '
I send him a small wave, but he ignores it and begins walking away with Shelly once she finally comes outside. He wraps a thin cardigan around her as their dim lantern fades away in the darkness.
'What the hell was that? Doesn't he miss me, it's almost been a week since he last saw me. How can he be so cruel? What have I done to deserve this treatment? '
Feeling lost by my emotions, I make a rash decision to go see him the next morning.
Since Tuesdays are the only days my father has at home, our maids won't be coming today. That means that they'll be there at the farmhouse when I go see him but why should I care? I don't have to explain myself to anyone, if I want to see him I shall.
I try to be secrete about my little plan to go to the maid house but once I'm downstairs, I just so happen to bump into someone.
"What are you doing up so early?" My father yawns as he smacks my head lightly with a rolled-up newspaper.
"I wanted to go for a walk. You know stretch my legs," I jog in place to make my lie seem real. My father watches me for a few seconds before shaking his head.
"I don't get you these days. You stay cooped up in your room for hours, barely eat or allow anyone to see you and now you want to do something productive?"
"I'm trying to be better."
"Whatever just don't go bothering anyone. Your mother is going to be at your grandparents house today so it's just me and you here."
He brushes pass me and heads into the kitchen. I follow him, leaning on the doorway," Why is she there?"
He pours himself a hot cup of coffee and takes a long sip before answering me," She's discussing with them about your future. She's close to sending you away and I don't blame her. Everyday there's a new problem with you, we can't keep up."
"So why don't you guys ask me about my problems instead of just sending me away? I'm your child after all."
"An unwanted child."
A bit surprised from his words, I stand there in shock. My father chugs down his cup of coffee and pours himself another as if I'm not here at all. I bite my tongue, forcing myself to not say anything that'll get me hurt, and leave the house.
'How could he say that to his only son? 'I ponder a bit on how easily he said that with no worry then decide to just drop it. 'He isn't someone worth the trouble. I need to just focus on my happy place, Shawn. I need to fix everything between us. '
After a long walk in the summer rays of heat, I finally make it up to the maid house. There are already some maids outside with their families enjoying the weather as I approach them. They laughed and chatted amongst themselves, looking happier than ever. Once I was in clear view of them, some started to stare but I ignored them. The only person I want to see is Shawn.
The maid house is huge, with large doors on each side of it. Its once vibrant red shade was now an old pink color with cracks all through it. I only ever saw it at night when I'd walk Shawn home but now that I was seeing it in the daylight, my heart sank. 'How could I allow him to stay here when he could be staying with me in my room? It's much more comforting and warmer.' I shake my head as an image of him sharing a bed with his siblings pops up in my mind.
'I'll be sure to ask him to stay with me once everything between us is cleared. '
As I criticize the place, I feel a slight tug on the hem of my sweatshirt. I look down to see a little girl with coiled pig tails in her hair staring up at me. She looked Offley familiar, but I couldn't quite remember.
"Are you here for my brother?"
"Brother? Oh, that's right you're Shawns sister."
I crouch down to her height level and pat her head," Can you tell me where he may be?"
Without saying anything, she nods and grabs my hand. The maids around us watch as she leads me to the back of the house. In the back, I'm surprised to see a small pond just behind the place. There were bright flowers surrounding it, giving it a vibrant appearance. A few younger children were inside of it, swimming as Shawn sat on the grass watching them. I stop in my trails as I see his back facing me. His sister pulls on my hand leading me closer to him before she says with a hince of sneakiness in her voice," Brother I have a surprise for you."
Shawn turns around with a smile until he looks up and sees me. He gets up quickly and pulls his sister to his side," What the hell are you doing down here? I thought we agreed that you wouldn't come down here during the day."
" I know but I just missed you and thought maybe I should come and see you."
I try taking a step towards him but he backs away with his sister behind him," You need to leave."
"But I came all this way just to see you."
"I don't care, can't you see that you're not respecting my boundaries?"
"Boundaries? There shouldn't be any boundaries between us!"
Hearing the sudden comottion, the kids in the pond stop what they're doing just to watch us. Shawn sends his sister off to play with them and takes my hand, leading me away from the pond. Once we're back in front of the house he breaks our connection.
"James, I need to talk with you later tonight."
"Why can't we talk now?"
"I don't need others being in my buisness, so please can you just leave until I see you tonight?"
I didn't get why he wanted me to leave so suddenly but I did want to see him alone so we could talk privately so I agreed to leave.
It's been so long since we've last seen each other, I need everything to go right tonight... But it won't if he's still here, my father. Soon as I get back home I think of ways to get him out of the house. Since it is his day off it's going to be a little tricky, he hates doing things on his day off.
"What am I going to do?" I ask myself as I flop down on my bed. As I pondered over what to do, my room door creaks open revealing my father. He comes in with a dull look on his face as he adjusts the watch on his wrist.
"You're not going anywhere tonight right?"
I sit up as I look up at him," what do you mean?"
"Your mother wants me to decide over some things with your grandparents for a few hours so I need you to watch the house, no parties or anyone over alright?"
My eyes widen as I stand up," Yeah! I completely understand!"
He squints his eyes as one of his brows rise," Hmn, you sure are chirpy. Was your jog earlier that satisfiying? Maybe we should go out together one of these days."
I frown to his offer causing him to roll his eyes. As he steps out the door he says one last time," I don't want to see anyone here when I get back understood?"
"Yes sir!" I exclaim as he shuts the door. Everything seems to be going smoothly so far. I'll be the only one at the house tonight, giving me and Shawn plenty of time to make up.
Once I hear the front door opening and closing, I quickly throw off my clothes and hop in the shower. I make sure to clean myself up real nice before seeing Shawn. I haven't been in the best place mentally so I have skipped out on a few shower days lately.
After I get done changing into something comfortable, I wait downstairs in the living room for Shawn to arrive. Though that wouldn't be until a few hours from now. To occupy my time I go over what I plan on saying to him. I need him to understand just how much I love him. I'll tell him how our time apart really affected me so that he understands that I want our relationship to work out.
"Everything will go smoothly."
I sit in the living room, just gazing upon the fireplace until it's nightfall. Once the clock reads past ten, I get a little anxious. 'Where is he? Did he decide that he doesn't want to do this anymore? Is he really that upset about me showing up there earlier?'
I get ready to head back to the barn house until I hear a knock on the door. I rush over to it quickly, once it's open, revealing Shawn, I pull him into a tight hug.
"I thought of the worst things possibly happening to you since you were so late, are you okay?"
He pushes me away from him, adjusting his thin jacket," I'm fine James."
I can see the annoyance in his eyes as he looks up at me. I close the door and guide him into the living room. Instead of sitting, he just stands by the fireplace, keeping warm.
"Do you want anything to drink or something to eat? Why don't you sit?" I try taking a step towards him but he backs away saying," There's no need for any of that because I won't be here for long."
My heart drops as I listen to him," What do you mean you won't be here long? Don't you want to fix everything between us? We haven't seen each other for almost a week now!"
"Stop it james! It hasn't been a week, it's only been two days! Two fucking days!"
I pause for a moment as I look towards the ground, contemplating over what he's saying,' No it hasn't, that can't be. I watched days pass by as I waited to see him again. '
Seeing me so quiet, he sighs," Look James, what you did earlier raised some serious questions about our relationship. Soon after you left, my mother came over to me practically with everyone else who lives there and pressed me real hard about you."
I look back at him, still thinking over what he said as he continues," My mother says that she's seen the way you've become recently and she thinks it's because of me. Normally I hate it when she tries to blames things on me but this time I think it might be true."
"What?"
"James you have a serious problem and I don't see you working through it as along as we're together."
He lets out a long breath as he looks up, trying to hold back his tears. My mind is spinning, just thinking about what he's saying.
"We can't make things work if you're going to continue to be this way."
"I don't understand!" Before I can ask him anything else, he brushes past me into the hall.
"Wait!" I quickly run after him, before he can open the door I flip him around, pushing him against the door. His back slams against it as he looks up at me, we're merely inches away from each other. I can feel my eyes beginning to water up but I'm not sad, I'm furious.
'How could he let the decision of others come between our love? It's like he just easily gave up on us without a fight! '
"James," he groans as he tries to push me off him. My grip on his shoulders tighten as I push him against the wall again," Why! Why are you doing this to me?"
"James I don't know what you're talking about!", he begins panicking once he realizes that I'm not letting go.
"It can't be just because of your mom! There must be another reason as to why you're giving up on us!"
His body trembles as he begins crying softly," There is no other reason, I'm doing this because I love you James!"
Hearing this, I loosen my hold as I stare down at him, my eyes feel like they're about to pop out of their sockets. His chest heavies up and down as he tries catching his breath," I love you too James, but I can't stand to see you destroy yourself over me, that's why..." he pauses as he lets out a breath," that's why we need to break up. We're not good for each other. I can't and won't allow myself to see you anymore because of what I've done to you."
'What he's done to me? ' I think about everything that I've done these past few days. Not going to school or seeing my friends, not having an appetite and staying in my room all day. 'Maybe he's right? I have been completely lost in my own thoughts because of him, but that's only because I want to love and cherish him forever. '
"So that's it?"
He looks up at me with fear in his eyes as he nods," It is James and I wish it wasn't but this is our reality."
'Our reality? A reality with him???? No!'
"You're just going to leave me?" My breathing quickens as I dig my nails into his shoulders. He groans out in pain as he tries reasoning with me," Have you not been listening to what I've been saying? I'm doing this for your own good!"
"No you're not!" I yell as I begin slamming him into the wall again. His head hits the door as I scream practically," THERES SOMEONE ELSE, RIGHT? YOU WOULDN'T BE GIVING UP ON ME IF THAT WERE THE CASE, RIGHT!"
"James please, it's not like that! I love you so much, I just want you to get better!"
"I WON'T BE ABLE TO GET BETTER WITHOUT YOU, YOU MAKE ME BETTER!"
The door jiggles as we both struggle against it.
He manages to strike my face, but due to my rushing adrenaline I don't feel a thing. I just keep slamming his back against the door as his head hits the glass frame behind it. He yells and pleads for me to stop and forgive him but my mind is made up. 'He has someone else, that has to be it! Or maybe he was just using me this whole entire time, getting special treatment from my family just because he was toying with me!'
Every possible reason as to why he wouldn't want to be with me floods my mind as I block out his cries for help. I fall so deep into my own thoughts that I start to shut everything else out.
I must've have been lost for some time because when I came back to reality, Shawn was no longer screaming or trying to push me away. The glass on the door long broke and his head drooped down as I held him up. The weigh of him not being able to carry himself started to fall onto me, causing me to drop him. I gasp as his body hits the floor face down, revealing deep cuts of glass on the back of his head.
My body trembles as I fall to my knees, landing in a small pool of blood that quickly oozed out of his open wounds.
"Shawn? Shawn!"
I carefully flip him over, his head resting on my lap as I tap on his face," Wake up! Shawn wake up!"
His beautiful hazel eyes starts to dull as his eyelids close.
"No! No!" I shake my head as I cry out in agony. I hug his head as I rock back and forth, praying that this was all just a nightmare.
"James why the hell is the front door locked! Your mother was able to handle things on her own so I came back earlier than expected. Who is ..."
I whip my head towards the back hallway where my father entered through the back door. He stands there, shocked to see everything In front of him.
"What did you do?" He takes a step towards me.
"Nothing!" I shake my head, not wanting to believe anything that just happened. He pushes me away from Shawn, causing his head to fall down onto the floor.
"Ah, fuck! Look at what you've done!" He hesitantly presses his fingers onto Shawn's neck, feeling for a pulse. I bring my legs up to my chest, hugging them tightly as he sighs.
"Get up."
"Huh?"
He grabs my shirt collar, pulling me off the floor. I struggle to stand as he pulls me closer to him," Tell me exactly what happened! What did you do to this boy!"
"It was an accident!" My chest tightens up as I look down at Shawn's corpse. My father intertwines his fingers in my hair as he pulls my head down, making me a closer look at what I've done," Look at what you've done! How could you do this to somebody? Do you seriously not think before you do stupid shit like this!"
"It was an accident!" I scream as I cover my eyes. My father sighs as he throws me down onto the ground. I fall right into Shawn's blood, slipping and squirming to get up. 'No! No! No! This isn't real!'
My father pulls out a cigar from his pocket and lights it," Get up boy."
I turn my head back to him, looking up as he blows his fumes into my face.
"I don't care what happened here, he was just a maid, not even an actual high school student so it doesn't matter who he is...or was."
My chest heaves up and down as I listen to him speak so rudely about Shawn.
"He was somebody!" I try to not slip as I get up from the ground. My father nonchalantly takes in another puff from his cigar, staring at me blankly.
"He was somebody to me, more than you'll ever be! He was somebody kind, caring and willing to do just about anything for the people he loved!"
"And you killed him. Are you done or are you going to start writing a fucking poem? The damage is already done and there's nothing you can do to bring back this,' kind person,' of yours. So shut the fuck up and help me get rid of his body."
He pushes past me, crouching down to carry Shawn's shoulders. Seeing him touching him lit a flame in my heart," Don't touch him!" I quickly push him away from Shawn, causing him to slip on some of his blood.
"Fucking hell! Boy have you gone mad!" He quickly gets up, tossing his cigar out of his mouth into the blood, making metallic smell fume.
"I said don't touch him," I clench my fist, ready for a fight. He looks down at my stance, mocking me with a unfazed laugh.
"So what you're going to fight me? Over this dead filthy piece of shit?"
I'm ready for a fight, taking a step forward I hear a crunch on the bottom of my house shoe. I look down, noticing all the broken shards of glass from the door on the ground. An idea comes to mind as I pause for a moment. My father loosens up his tie as he cracks his knuckles," Come on. You think you're all bad now, right? So come on!"
"No...."
"What too scared now? You know that I'm the only one who can help you out of this situation so now you're backing down? Come on son, don't be such a pussy!"
My hand starts to bleed as I pick up a fallen piece of glass up from the floor. I raise high into the air before striking it down!
I honestly don't have much a memory from then on out, all I know is that I kept stabbing him. Even when he was begging for mercy, I kept going. Even when he was long dead, I kept going. Even when my mother found us on the ground, I just kept going and going, non stop.
The day changed me forever.
My mother being the woman that she is, lied to everyone saying that Shawn came in and attacked me. When my father got home and found us, he tried to stop him and paid the price. The only truth she told about that night was about me killing Shawn, though it was "self defense" in her claim. I remember staying in the police station for hours that night, just sitting there drowning more into my own world. I kind of shut everything and everyone else out that night, until I couldn't feel or hear anything.
My mother's stayed with me all those nights after Shawn's death probably because she knew I was sick or because she needed me to stay alive for the business. After everything went down, we fired all of our maids, leaving them to fend for themselves. I only heard that two years after his death, Shawn's mother became depressed and could no longer take care of her children. In the end they were all taken away from her, she ended up killing herself five months they left. I honestly felt bad and blamed myself for all of that but then again for a long time after Shawn's death, I couldn't feel anything. I felt like a brand new person, wiped away of any emotions.
After I graduated from the boarding school my mom sent me too, she basically pulled me straight into business school. I spent a long time there before officially taking over my father's company and marrying his business partners daughter, lily. Even after I was married and eventually fell in love with lily, I still felt troubled by Shawn's memory. I missed him so much, but there was nothing I could do to fill my heart anymore. Honestly, I should've just gotten a divorce from Lily but I couldn't because we were welcoming in our first born.
My life up til now feels like I've been just playing along to what people told me too but with Shawn... and you. This new found freedom, I finally am able to live. Shawn's was and will always remain to be my first love but I honestly can't wait to start our life together once everything is settled, August.
With you, I will continue to be the man you can love.