I don't think I ever slept.
It was funny. Faced with the reality of my worst nightmare, all I could do was stare silently at the shadows dancing across the carpet. I couldn't even cry. I just felt like my head was completely hollow, except for one, tiny thought.
When?
The entire day kept repeating itself in my eyes. Dodging and sneaking through classrooms until Felix found me. Minho's threat. The little pink petal.
When did it happen?
I had been so careful. I had made a plan. I was going to stick to the plan. I wasn't going to get sick.
When did we touch?
Classrooms. Felix. Minho. Petal. There had to be some moment, something I'm missing. Something I'm completely tripping over that will wake me up in the middle of the—
I fell.
I pulled the blanket closer around myself, the light from the moon and the plastic stars on the ceiling glimmering as I just stared blankly ahead.
I fell.
Knees pressed to my chest, I hugged my legs tightly. Of course. It was obvious now. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have messed up the plan I had created so easily and without any second thought?
I fell, and when Chan offered his hand, I took it.
The action had been so easy. It was such a normal reaction that it didn't even register in my mind. My hand had touched his for maybe two seconds, but it was enough. In his kindness, Chan had spelled out my doom, and I had jumped into it head first.
A small cough tore me from my thoughts, my hand not fast enough to cover my mouth. I opened my eyes and just stared. Falling through the air was a pink petal, almost as small as the first. It drifted as if caught in its last waltz, floating around the room until it slowly landed on my carpet. I stared at the pink thing, almost lost in a sea of lavender, with my face blank and my stomach filled with an emotion I couldn't describe.
This was it, wasn't it?
It was ironic really. How could something so small do so much damage? It was a petal. It was a single, freaking petal. And here I was, feeling more dread about it than last week's calculus test I forgot to study for.
I slowly stood up, still holding the blanket around my shoulders. Softly padding across the pale purple rug, I crouched down and gently lifted the petal. The pink seemed to glow in the moonlight from the window, and despite the situation I laughed. I've always had a problem laughing in bad situations anyway, and now I was laughing at my own omen. The whole situation just seemed unreal. I almost imagined that I could just blink once and I would be back to the day of the procedure, realizing that this was all just a bad dream.
But no amount of blinking could get the petal to disappear from my hand.
I straightened my legs, gently cradling the petal in my hands and walking towards the bathroom. I flicked on the light, immediately walking over to the sink and dropping the petal into the basin. I turned on the faucet and watched as the small, delicate pink was torn into shreds.
Gripping the sides of the counter, I hesitantly looked up, scared yet curious to see what I looked like. Was the sickness already noticeable? Would the boys be able to tell? I raised my head and met my own eyes.
I looked....normal.
My hair was still in the braid I had put it in after my shower, small black wisps framing my face. My eyes looked okay, not counting the exhausted circles that seemed to be built into my skin by now. My face even had color, delicate pink dotting across my cheeks. I looked fine.
But I knew, on the inside, I was fragile.
And soon, the cracks would begin to show.
- - _ - - _ - - _ - - _ -- _ - - _ - - _ - - _ - -
It was 4:30 when I heard the knock on my door.
I looked up from my seat on the couch, my cheek resting on the top of my knees. Sighed when the knocked again, just a little bit more aggressive than last time. I really didn't want to move, but I knew that it wouldn't take him long find the new hiding place for the spare key that I specifically moved so he'd stop bothering me. I was running out of places to hide it. I sighed, walking over to the entrance.
I swung open the door. "What?"
Minho brought his hand down from where he had been relaxing, pinching something between his fingers. "Are you serious?" He started, giving me a disappointed look. "You put the key on top of the doorframe. The doorframe. Someone could just break into your apartment."
I snatched the key out of his hand. "Great. Now I have to find another hiding place."
"Can't wait to find that one too."
"I'll change my locks."
"I'll just pick the lock."
I groaned. "Why is it when you're bored you come bother me?"
"Don't be so self-centered, I bother Jisung too."
I narrowed my eyes at the dark haired boy. "Don't forget Hyunjin."
Minho let out a little laugh. "No, I bully Hyunjin. There's a difference." He looked past my shoulder. "Are you going to let me in? I'm hungry."
"No," I said, moving to the side.
I shut the door and headed toward my room, Minho heading straight for my kitchen. I guess he really was hungry. I turned on the light to the bathroom for the second time tonight, or was it today? I don't even know.
The good news was since I never cried, my face and the area around my eyes wasn't red or blotchy.
The bad news was that because I had not slept, the circles under my eyes had become darker.
So not bad but not good.
I quickly left the bathroom and changed into a simple pair of leggings and a hoodie. I didn't have any classes today, and if it weren't for Minho and the cats I probably wouldn't have left the apartment at all today. I felt exhausted, and the pressure behind my eyes was starting to hurt. I almost wished that I could cry.
Almost.
My body jerked when I heard Minho yell. I quickly threw open the door as I ran where I saw him last. His eyes met my concerned ones as I entered the kitchen.
"What's wrong?!" I hurriedly let out, eyes quickly scanning for some kind of injury.
Minho held up a container. "ICE CREAM."
"Gosh Minho! You're going to wake up my neighbors! I'll get noise complaints!"
Minho smirked, and then let out a bloodcurdling scream.
I dove around the island, trying to put my hand over his mouth. He easily dodged and laughed loudly.
"Minho, it's like 4 in the morning. People are going to think I'm murdering you or something!" I whisper-yelled.
"PLEASE! SOMEONE HELP! THERE'S SO MUCH BLOO—"
I threw a pillow at his face.
His expression became serious as he picked up the pillow, holding it threateningly in the air. I shook my own new pillow braggingly.
"What are you going to do now?" I taunted. "Make me eat tissues?"
"Make me eat tissue?" He mocked. "Maybe I will."
This time it was my turn to smirk. "You do that and say hello to another lecture from Chan."
He stared for a couple of moments, his eyes narrowing. I stared back with a smug grin. He hated those lectures with a passion, and he knew that I knew that.
And I had Chan.
He tossed the fluffy pillow onto the couch. "Well played, Min Haewon."
I did a mock bow. Minho rolled his eyes and then glanced towards the door. "Do you have any spare fish by chance?"
I snorted at how his expression and voice completely changed. "Of course, when do I not keep something for the kids?"
Opening a cabinet, I grabbed a few cans and walked over to the dark haired boy. He leaned down and handed me some slides, holding the front door open for me to pass by him. We quickly started down the stairs walking side by side.
I still felt the smug smile on my lips. I can't believe that worked. I haven't pulled that card in a while, but both Minho knew and I knew that Chan would be willing to do anything for m—
I felt my heart pang.
Lightly shaking my head, I focused on the ground in front of me. I didn't want to think about that right now. Minho was beside me, I couldn't afford to think about that right now.
I felt pressure on my elbow and I looked up. Minho kept his sight straight ahead, keeping his hand on my elbow as he pulled me away from the edge of the road.
"Careful," Minho said. "I might have to tell your best friend about your habit of playing in traffic."
"Felix would join me."
"I'm not talking about Felix."
I scowled as Minho snarked back at me. How ironic that he would bring up the one person I didn't want to think about right now.
We turned and entered the entrance of a park. We had found the grassy area a couple of years ago and it had become a frequent hangout since then.
When I moved into my apartment from the college dorms, the group had helped me move my stuff. At some point, Jisung managed to dump a couple of pieces of homework out the window and instead of it simply falling onto the fire escape, the paper was caught on the wind. Chaos broke out. I was close to crying, Jisung was screaming, Changbin was yelling, and Seungmin was in the corner trying not to laugh. Eventually Chan decided that we would try to find them as "they couldn't have gone far". That's when we discovered the little park. The nine of us split into groups. I was searching a bush with Chan when Minho suddenly grabbed my arm, leading me away. What we found was the whole reason we return every few days.
The dark haired boy stopped, slowly lowering himself to sit on the cold grass. I followed after him, bringing the tiny cans out of my pocket and opening them. Minho started to speak quietly, little nonsense words coming out of his mouth as I opened the three cans and sat them down in front of us.
The first was a dark brown cat, almost black, with little stripes. He brushed up against Minho's arm, purring. "Hello Dori," Minho spoke softly, drawing a hand down it's back.
I jumped as I felt something cold touch touch my elbow. Turning, I met the eyes of a striped ginger cat. "Sooni!" I started. "You can't scare me like that!"
Minho laughed. "Good job Soonie! Keep scaring her, she deserves it."
"I will take the fish and leave right now."
"You wouldn't do that to the kids."
A second ginger cat joined the brown one beside Minho, and he instantly changed his expression from offense to a smile.
This is how he acted the first time we found the cats. I had only seen him smile that much when Jisung did something stupid so it was weird. He had somehow found out (from Chan or Felix probably) that I liked cats, and had immediately come to find me that day. The cats became our secret to take care of.
"Min Haewon." Minho broke the silence of the empty park. He kept his eyes on the cats, who had migrated to the fish cans in front of us. Minho opened his mouth. "You know you can tell me anything, right?"
My entire body paused. There's no way he—no. There's absolutely no way he knows everything. Did he freaking just sniff out my lying? I know I'm a bad liar buts it's only been one day and he didn't even ask me anything! I guess Felix could have told them since they're cousins, but I doubt he'd do that if he lied for me yesterday.
I nervously laughed. "What are you talking about?"
At that I saw Minho's eyes snap to my direction as he gave me an incredulous look. "Min Haewon, you are a bad liar."
I crossed my arms over stomach, trying my best to remain cool by focusing on the cats instead. "What would I even have to tell you, Minho?"
"Maybe that you haven't slept well the past couple of days."
I froze. He continued.
"Or maybe that last night you didn't sleep at all." He raised an eyebrow when I met his eyes. "It's pretty obvious. Your obliviousness and zoning out is worse than normal, and to be completely honest you look awful. You look like a raccoon."
I shrugged. "So? I have classes that require studying—"
"You hate studying."
"—and sometimes that requires me to stay up late."
"Min Haewon we have the same classes, you have nothing to study for."
I was floundering. I knew it. He knew it. "Well maybe you traumatized me with your stupid tissues!"
"Don't play stupid," Minho said, rolling his eyes.
"I don't know what you're talking abo—"
"Felix told me."
I stopped.
Felix did what now?
That little traitor. I was going to kill him.
"What did he tell you?"
Minho rested his chin on his knees, his head turned toward me as he absentmindedly stroked one of the ginger cats. "He really did try to keep it to himself. I knew you were acting a little off when you came in. Usually you find more excuses or grab your own tissue but some thought had you preoccupied." He shrugged. "I figured I could ask Felix since you walked in together and we're related. I knew Chan wouldn't tell me."
"Chan doesn't know," I whispered.
His eyebrows raised at that. "You haven't told him?"
I shook my head.
Beside me, Minho sighed. "Look, I don't know what you're going through. I don't know how it feels to lose a soulmate, but I do know this," he looked up to meet my eyes, "Chan has always been the one who could help you with any problem, no matter what it was. I know you have your reasons for not telling him, whatever they may be, but don't avoid him. Neither of you deserve that."
I let out a small, sarcastic laugh. "It's useless to avoid him anyways."
"You're right, Chan always finds out." He suddenly let out a laugh. "A few days ago he found out I stole Felix's keycard and made me give it back."
I gasped. "THAT WAS YOU?!"
Minho nodded.
"I can't believe you. He slept on my couch for two days."
He calmed down as I ran a hand down dori's back. "Min Haewon." I hummed at his voice. When he said nothing, I raised my head to see his.
Minho has always had a stoic face. Unless he was in a comfortable situation or surrounded by people he knows, he usually managed to keep a perfectly neutral expression. Now, as I looked into his eyes, I saw the toned down version of the same look Felix had given me yesterday.
Pity. And sympathy.
And then I just felt worse.
When Minho finally spoke, his words were what I least expected.
"You know, it's okay to cry."
I broke.
Every tear I had been unable to shed during the night welled up in my eyes, spilling over and running down my face. Little gasps filled the silent park as I tried to breathe past the tears. I felt arms hesitantly wrap around my shoulders, leaning me against his chest. He patted me on the back, telling me to let it all out and that it'd be okay.
But it wasn't okay.
Minho thought I lost my soulmate.
Felix thought I never had one in the first place.
I had lied to two people very close to me, and not only did they believe it, they felt sympathy for me. I was an awful person.
And Chan.
I had avoided Chan, borderline ignored him for an entire day, naively thinking that I could outrun fate with a 3 am half thought out plan made outside a convince store. And all for what? For exactly the thing I didn't want to happen, to happen. It was inevitable. Irreversible. My fate had already been sealed the moment he decided he didn't want a soulmate.
And yet, I couldn't tell him. I couldn't see the look on his face when he realizes just how stuck with me he is. The worst part is I know that he wouldn't say no, he's way too kind for that. I can't do that to him. I can't take away his possibility of happiness.
Even if it won't include me.
So as Minho held me tighter in his arms, I didn't cry for a lost soulmate.
I cried for one I'd never have.
- - _ - - _ - - _ - - _ -- _ - - _ - - _ - - _ - -
Did you guess when the bond happened?
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