SABRINA'S POV
4TH FEBRUARY, 2019
ABUJA, NIGERIA.
I rushed out of the dining table and headed straight to the nearest restroom downstairs to throw up. I puked my guts out till I was gratified. And there goes my breakfast. So this is the morning sickness pregnant women go through. It's really nauseating to be honest.
I cleaned up then sauntered back to the dining room where Farooq was seated. His eyes were fixated on his phone as it refuse to spare me a mere glance. He acted so oblivious of the fact that I just threw up. I greeted him this morning but as expected, I got no reply.
Back to square one.
At least he drank the coffee I prepared for him. That's one thing I know he can't resist. His coffee addiction will be the death of him one day.
Gathering up some courage, I cleared my throat. "Your suit looks nice on you." I passed on a compliment to him waiting to get a response or even a slight emotion out of him but got none. He continued to go through his phone when he was done, he picked up his car keys and departed from the house.
By the sound of the car, I could tell it was his Lamborghini Veneno Roadster.
Meekly, I took my own car keys and drove to work. I honestly missed DILA KS a lot. I've been absent for months now and I feel even more guilty because this is the last time I'd be coming here.
My decision to leave burns me anytime I recall but I have to do it for my own sake. It took me lots of years, time, courage, strength and patience to get where I am today. And all that will just slip away tonight when I depart.
Clad in a black cashmere sweatshirt, cream wide leg jeans with black Dr Marten boots, a cream beanie over the black veil I wore, I ambled inside the building recalling the first time I walked into the place about a year ago. Oh how time passes by.
"SAK, we missed you so much!"
"Happy birthday in arias!"
"We love you, SAK!"
"Thank you for standing up against that rapist!"
"The people's princess!"
"Welcome back!"
"It's good to have you back, SAK!"
Different voices coherently shouted as I arrived. Tons of hugs, good luck wishes, and other sweet affectionate things were displayed to me. I so much missed my staff and employees here. They are really family because we all treat each other as one.
I know I don't look too good because I'm still recovering but they kept on saying that I look even more beautiful than I formally was. How I wish I loved myself even if it were half of how they loved me here. My eyes were so teary.
The feeling of being here for the last time crushed my heart to tiny bits. I barely opened my mouth to even reply them. All I did was smile, nod, hug then chuckled lightly.
Luckily, I managed to get to my office. It was filled with cards, flowers, candies, perfumes, lipgloss, raspberries, bottles of ginger ale wine, chocolates and other gift items. Thank goodness the office was really large so it only occupied half of the room.
Sauntering to my desk, I took a sit on the CEO's chair as I opened my sketch pad.
It felt so foreign to my hands.
I used to sketch almost every single day but here I was.
I first drew a line across the model's waist, then drew a line down the side indicating the dress's silhouette. Next, I drew a line across the bottom in a V shape to indicate that the dress's front should dip down. I was now through with the other side. I listened to the heart wants what it wants by Selena Gomez as I continued sketching the imaginary dress I know I won't ever design. This is the last time I'm using my sketch pad, might as well bless it before I flee.
A knock on the door distracted me from my sketching. "Come in." I replied In a really calm tone. The old me would have groaned then yelled the Come in. I really have changed. For the better or worst? Only Allah knows.
"You're welcome back, Mrs Khaleed." Mimi forced a smile as she stepped in.
She hit the formal note.
That did it.
She is still mad at me. It was so evident in her tone, approach and expression. My heart sunk even more. Of all people, even Mimi? Why can't anyone just see things from my own perspective? I'm always pinned as the villain no matter what I do.
"Thank you, Mimi." I smiled widely even though I knew she was doing this for formalities sake and nothing more.
"We're all glad you're back for good."
"Mimi, I'd like to talk to you if you don't mind?" I wanted to at least tell someone about the child I was carrying in my womb. Shit, I have a thing growing inside me. This is all so beautiful and crazy at the same time. Mimi would understand me. She always does.
"My schedule is really tight today and I have a meeting with some of our clients from Turkey later today. Sorry." Without waiting for my response, she shut the door behind her.
I was truly all alone.
This is her own way of avoiding me. She just made up that excuse because she didn't want to be in the same room with me for that long. She's angry. We both know that. But I was really hoping that at least she would listen to me.
Lower your expectations to Zero.
I took a puff out of my inhaler then rested back on me chair. I remained in that position for thirty minutes long until I decided to read the messages and cards sent by my well wishers. I discarded my boots as I sat on the carpeted floor reading all of them. I laughed, chuckled and almost cried as I read all of them. Letter by letter, word by word, line by line, and paragraph by paragraph. It all meant a lot to me.
I'm loved.
I performed abulution in the restroom then spread my blue prayer mat and performed Asr Prayer. I poured my heart out to my lord in Sujood because he's the only one that understands me. He's the only one that knows what I'm going through, he's the only one that knows what I've been through my whole life, he sees my pain, he knows it, he knows what is in my heart and it is only he that can see me through all these.
5:30pm
I went to each and every single one of the rooms, offices and departments here for the last time. As I stepped out of the large building, I gave it a once over. I created this whole place and employed all the people working in it. A lot were older than me or the same age while some were younger. The skilled and unskilled, the rich and the poor, Nigerians, Americans and other nationalities, white and black, it all meant nothing in DILA KS. We are one. We know nothing of discrimination but more of equity and indifference.
Mimi won't disappoint me.
I'm sure of it.
Good bye once again DILA KS.
(a- DILA Khadijah Sabrina)
I drove down the city of Abuja from my favorite spot; City Gate, to my parent's neighborhood, to Farida's restaurant, to my former high school, to all the places I had some good memories in. I never thought they'd come a day that I would miss this place. I've had so many crazy and wonderful adventures here. From the first day I returned on my 20th birthday to which was one heck of a roller coaster my 21st birthday that I ended up shooting my attempted rapist to death.
____________________________________
My flight was set to take off by 2:00am tonight. Coach Camila and I were taking the first flight to Los Angeles. The recreational center would be managed and handled by some of our entrusted people.
I stared at my entire bedroom before taking a step in. I walked into my gigantic walk in closet which held thousands of clothes in it, then to the beautiful king sized bed, then my adorable en-suite which I am so gonna miss. I shut the windows and blinds, the bathroom and the walk-in closet.
Grabbing a single purse which contained my phone, passport and some other important things, I clapped my hands together as the lights went out then closed the door to my room.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't leave without having a glimpse of Farooq. I just couldn't. I don't care whether he's going to ignore me or lash out on me or even ask me to get out, I just want to see him one last time. Just once and that's it.
I dropped my purse on the stool in the corridor then removed my shoes too, so he wouldn't suspect anything.
I didn't bother knocking because I was dead sure he wasn't going to reply so I just opened the door and ambled inside. He was seated on the bed. His back was against the headboard of the bed, while his legs were crossed straight on the bed. He was wearing a simple black shirt which was tight displaying his muscular body, and a grey sweatpants.
By the looks of it, I woke him up from his sleep.
I've never felt so dumb in my life.
I had no idea what to do or what to say.
The way he was staring at me wasn't also helping at all.
I was fiddling with my fingers behind my back. I feel so stupid right now. I'm a coward, a really big one.
He fixated his blank gaze on me waiting for me to say something or do something but I didn't. Instead I swallowed thickly then bit my bottom lips till it was entirely drenched with my saliva.
The moment he rose up to his feet, I felt my whole legs failing me.
Shit, is it just me or did it just get hotter in this room? And believe me, the air conditioner was on really high.
As he took two strides forward, I quickly turned to leave the room. The moment my hand was on the door knob, his hand topped it. He was now towering me from behind. I refused to look back because it would just halt my movement. I want to, but I can't afford to. His breath fanned against my naked neck as he managed to snake his arms on my waist. As if he knew my knees were declining, he held me firmly because I almost came thudding down.
What are you doing to me Farooq Khaleed?
"Please, Stay." His voice was low, it came out so deep and laconic. The raucousness and hoarseness his tone held completely stole me away. It was tantalizing to the ears.
How can I refuse?
I couldn't.
He turned me around slowly. I didn't have the strength to even look him in the eyes as my head was bent low. He lifted my chin up making me to look him straight in the eyes which sent shivers down my spine.
Unconsciously, he picked me up bridal style, my hands wrapped around his neck protectively. He sprawled me on his bed, our eyes never wavering for even the slightest second.
He made love to me in ways I could never be able to elaborate. It was not mere intercourse. It was the deliberateness which reverses the experience back to performance, expectations and deliberate behaviors to gain a planned response. Each movement of ours was as though it were choreographed by powers unknown, free flowing and without intent, bliss unfolding under its own momentum. It was gentle, romantic, subtle and appeals to the five senses we enjoyed one another in the most delicate manner.
We both connected to one another on an emotional level. We shared a little bit of ourselves with eachother, and it... it can be quite beautiful, but required a lot of trust, which we had in each other. It was more than just breaching the physical boundaries of flesh. It's when I can look into his eyes, and share his inner light with mine.
We were each other's that night.
I woke up from the little sleep I managed to get. Slowly, I slipped away from his hold trying my best not to wake him up as I grabbed a towel and headed straight to his bathroom. I took a quick bath and wore some new underwear I got from his closet. I wore back the clothes I had on before.
Walking up to him, I placed a kiss on his cheeks before I dropped the letter which I had written for him on his desk.
"You set Khaleed?" Coach questioned as the bolt driver drove us to the airport.
"The truth?" I laughed nervously. She nodded in response.
"I'm not. I'll miss everyone and everything."
"You decided to do this on your own. There's no going back now. It's your choice though."
"I have to go, Coach. I have to do this for my child."
From Sabrina to her friends:
Hey guys, I know you're all still mad at me. I won't say your anger is justified because honestly, it's not. When I do something for myself I'm referred to as a selfish person and when I do something for someone else I'm referred to as selfless. It still saddens me because no matter what I do, it's never going to be enough, never. I don't fit in to everyone's else mindset. I never have, you all know that. I'm not meant to, I've never tried fitting in because I know I will never do.
There are times where I treated some of you badly or times where I'd get so angry and do something really insane. I'm really sorry. My anger is something I've tried so hard to control but it's beyond my power. Do forgive me for everything.
Jannah and Mufid I wish you a happy married life and I really hope you'd pay your father a visit. Don't y'all think it's time?
Harisa and Arianna I love you guys so much, take care of yourselves.
Mimi, I just want you to be happy and nothing more. Do what makes you happy, I'll be rooting for you from my side. You mean a lot to me, I don't know what I would've done throughout these years without you by my side.
My best friend, Kubra. I love you. Don't cry, pray for me. That's all I need.
I love you all so much but you guys hurt me a lot.
~Sabrina
From Sabrina to her siblings:
Hello. It's me, Sabrina. Your little sister. There are times when I question if whether or not I have siblings. Growing up, we never really connected as a whole. We were divided though they were times where we hung out and enjoyed each other's company. No matter what you all did to me, I always forgave you and I'll never stop doing that.
The love I have for you all meets no bounds. Ya Aliya, I know I haven't spoken to you since that incident but know that I hold no grudge against you. I know I don't say it much but I care a lot about you. Ya Ashraf, I was just starting to get to know you but life happens yeah. Maybe we weren't meant to have that brother sister relationship after all. Trust me, I wanted it real bad. Not all things are meant to be. Ya Arif, I'll miss you big bro. Take care of yourself and my best friend. You both deserve all the happiness in this world.
Ya Aliza, I'm going to miss you the most. It's hard, but I just have to. Though for the past three days, you all have been ignoring me. It hurt a lot you know. Maybe if you had put my feelings first just like how you used to, it would've been better. Thank you for everything, sister. You wore the shoes of a mother and a father when I was growing up. My life would've been incomplete without you.
I'm going to miss you all so much.
~Sabrina
From Sabrina to her parents:
Hey Mommy and Daddy. It's still weird honestly. I always saw my mother as the villain in my story little did I know she was the heroine all along. My real father is someone I would've loved to be with and spent time with. To me, both of you are two different people compared to the people I previewed as my parents. You two are my heroes.
You guys also hurt me. I thought you'd also be on my side but I was wrong, wasn't I?
I never loved myself, I still don't. But I love others to the extent that would do anything for their happiness. That's just how I grew up. I wasn't a happy child, I was just playing along. I could be in a room filled with my loved ones but still feel so distant. It's a feeling that has been stitched to me my whole life.
Maybe when I leave, I'll change for the better. I love you, Mommy and Daddy. I would've loved to get to know both of you.
~Princess
From Sabrina to Mr and Mrs Mubaid, and Mr and Mrs Sayhaan:
For the first time ever, I'm short of words. I don't even know what to say. I want to thank you all for being with me when I needed you the most. You played the roles of mother and father better than my real parents ever did. You welcomed me into your own families as your own, you never discriminated me neither did you treat me unfairly.
I'm really grateful for that. I love you all so much. I'll miss you guys. Goodbye Forever.
~Sabrina
From Sabrina to Aunt Emigen and Baba Kaka:
My one and only Baba Kaka. Words cannot describe how much I love you because you built me to be the person I am today. You're the best grandfather anyone could ever ask for. If my biological grandfather were alive today, I doubt he'd ever be better than you in any way. Without you, I would've never played basketball, I would've never chased my dreams at UCLA. You are one of the reasons for my success. As a girl that a lot of people previewed as disrespectful, sassy, angry, feisty and lots more, you saw the perfection every other person saw as imperfections. I know I'm your favorite and I'll always be your favorite.
I love you loads old man, I really do. Without you, my life wouldn't have been sorted out. Thanks for coming clean and revealing all the dark secrets. Thank you. Goodbye.
Aunt Emigen or shall I say, Grandma. It's still weird to learn that you're our grandmother. When I first me you I thought you were some sort of witch but a good one. You always managed to put a smile on my face whenever we crossed each other's paths. I would've loved to know you more. You count as a big contribution to my life today. I loved you from the moment I set eyes on you five years ago and I still love you. Be happy, hopefully I will too. My fairy Godmother.
~Sabrina/ hajiya ta.
From Sabrina to Farooq:
Hey, it's Adila. I hope you see this. You mean the world to me, Farooq Khaleed. You made me feel things I didn't want to, things I never thought I would feel. You made life fun in your own bizarre way. I fell in love with you unconsciously and trust me when I say I wouldn't mind falling for you over and over again.
In the past you've made me go through a lot. From the first day I met you, you insulted me and really got to my ego. Then to when you saved me when I was about to trip in your house during that dinner. Then the first time we met after five years, when you slipped this gorgeous ring into my finger. Then when you waited for me when I
Growing up, I had all the wealth I needed even ones I didn't need. I had been told that I was a different kin. That I needed to look better, that I needed to dress better, that I needed to do things girls my age do, that I needed to fit in. I never bothered trying because I knew I would never be able to meet up with people's expectations. People's words to a mere teenager was very abusive and disheartening.
The only ones I tried pleasing were my parents but it still wasn't enough. That was when I started cutting myself. It took away my emotional pain and replaced it with physical pain. Eventually, I got used to it. I would overthink every little situation, there were times I couldn't even breathe as anxiety cripples over me. I gave my best but it was never enough. Maybe I'll never be enough. I honestly never loved myself, I loved the people around me but not I myself.
After all we've been through together,the anger, the sadness and also the recently found
laughters that you shared, I realized that
what makes my journey truly precious for me
was the feelings that I never felt before in my
entire life it is truly astounding how you
brought me such joy and sparked so many
smiles out of me the way that nobody has
ever did before. I never thought they'd be a day I'd ever fall in love but here I am craving to shout on rooftops about how much I love you, Farooq Khaleed.
You were always there for me. But as I always quoted, lower your expectations to zero. You left me when I needed you the most. I thought if the whole world would turn their back on me, you'll still be there by my side but I was wrong. I thought you'd be able to put your legs in my tight sneakers and see things from my own perspective. You think it's easy finding out that my whole life was a fake and that my supposed father was actually an imposter after wealth. I loved that man so much, even after finding out his truth, I still loved him. Could you imagine how I felt seeing the man I saw as my father being hanged to death right in front of my eyes. Only Allah knows whether he's been forgiven or not. It pains me anytime I recall that.
You asked me to leave and usually I would never listen to you but today, I will. I'll go, Farooq. Maybe when I learn to love myself, I will come back or maybe I won't. Loving myself is something that's going to be a hard task. I might never come back, Farooq. Don't bother looking for me because I won't come back and you won't find me.
I know you are reading this as your heartbeat races at an abnormal rate thinking of ways you'll try and find me. You've done a lot of things to make me hate you and love you at the same time. And I do. Moving on doesn't mean I'll forget you, you'll always be in my heart. It's not going to be easy but I'll pray that we'll be happier away from each other.
I won't forget you, Farooq. You'll always be in my heart. I love you more than I've ever loved anything.
~Adila
END OF CHAPTER