AN: So, I am starting flight school and things are going to get a little busy for me which means I'll be going back to once a week updates for a bit. It sounds like as I get further into the program it eases up, so hopefully we can resume double updates sometime in the future. I hope you all enjoy the new chapter!
A few days later it was time for Charles to leave and Ana was dragging her feet about seeing him off. Will had put those days to good use, arranging things for what he had planned, but it had meant that he hadn't had much time to spend with Ana and she had withdrawn a bit. Will was in his dressing room, and with a last adjustment to his tie, opened the door into the bedroom. Ana wasn't there of course, she had gone back to staring into the fire in the sitting room. He took a breath as he grabbed the knob to their sitting room. He needed to be firm, there was no brooking with how she was going back to how she had been before. He had to shake her out of it, at least a bit. So when he opened the door to see her in a morning wrapper, staring into the fire, he only pursed his lips. He strode to her, put the heavy coat he had brought with him in her lap, and gave her an order. "Put this on, we're going out."
She slowly looked down at the coat, and then to him. Briefly though, for her eyes slid away and she addressed the ground. "I don't want to."
"We're going out, so put your coat on. I'll not be having you catch sick." He couldn't help but let a little anger into his voice. "We're taking Lights back to his ship, and I won't have you being rude to him, not after all he's done."
"I don't want to." The coat slithered off her lap. "I'm alright here, he'll understand." She pulled the tea gown a bit tighter about herself, "He probably doesn't want to see me anyway."
Will picked the coat up, feeling a bit of frustration well up in his breast. "I wasn't asking." He grabbed her arm from where she had it crossed over her chest, pulling her to her feet. He hated having to be a bit rough with her, but if this was how he had to break her out of her spell then so be it. "Now, put the coat on."
"Will, what are you-"
He let her arm go and held out the coat. "I swore to protect you, and if it had to be from yourself, then so be it. Now, put it on."
"Fine." She snapped, a bit of a spark appearing as she slid her arms through the sleeves. "Happy?"
No, but a bit less worried. "Hardly, put your boots on unless you want to wear your slippers through the front yard. And you may as well put on a dress, unless you want him to tease you the whole time."
Her brow was furrowed. "Why? You don't mind when he teases me before."
"Because I'm your husband and I'm telling you to do it." He managed what he hoped was a glare. "Now, in a timely manner please." But then the spark he had seen vanished quickly, and she meekly came back in a simple gown and a pair of plain boots. Will tried to fan it back to life as he fastened the coat. "You'll want a hat, get one." He gently grasped her chin. "A pretty one." Still, nothing from her as she left, coming back with a beaver hat that fit tightly around her head. He bit his tongue, finally speaking. "If that's the one you want, fine. Now, Rigel is waiting in the carriage for us. Can you walk or will I have to carry you?"
"I can walk." She snapped, starting out the door first.
Will let her manage a flight before grabbing her around the waist and pitching her over a shoulder. "We'll be here all day with you going that slow." He heard a muttered string of curses from behind his shoulder, along with several light punches to his side. He grinned through it all, pitching her into the carriage before clambering in and locking the door. Rigel pounced immediately, covering his mistress in kisses. He grinned down at Ana from the seat to where she was on the floor. "See? Much quicker."
Lights, already sat, chuckled. "You were taking so long I was worried I'd miss my ship shoving off."
"As if they would leave without you." Will rolled his eyes, helping Ana up off the floor as the carriage started. "You know they'd hold her for you." He glanced to Ana, still under siege by Rigel. "Besides, you don't leave until tomorrow."
"Fair enough." He snorted, and leaned down to scratch behind Rigel's ears. "Now, you be a good boy and take good care of your mistress." In answer, Rigel licked his face. Lights decided to give them both a lecture on how exactly to take care of him for the rest of the trip, although he continually was interrupted by Rigel hearing his name and barking. In the end, when they stopped outside the White Star offices, he actually looked serious. "Now, I want you both to promise me something."
Will reached over, taking Ana's hand. "What?" He ran his thumb over the back of her hand, realizing that she hadn't grabbed gloves.
Charles smiled, "I want you both to come over sometime soon. The boys miss their Aunt Anna and Mavis needs to meet you both, and Sylvie wishes you two would write more." He raised an eyebrow. "Well?"
Will glanced to Ana, who gave a small nod. "We will, I promise. Now, shouldn't you get headed in?"
"I suppose." Lights leaned over, giving him a brief hug before embracing Ana for a longer time. Will could hear him talking to her, "Now, you take care of him. He looks exhausted."
She mumbled back, "I will, Lights."
"And yourself, because otherwise he won't calm down."
"I will try."
He drew back, "Don't tell me you'll try, tell me you will."
"I will." Ana sounded less sure, but Charles apparently thought it was good enough. He gave them a wave as he headed in, his bag over his shoulder. Will felt Lewis bring the horses around, trotting back into the city. Rigel could tell something was in the air, wanting to romp in the car and only succeeding in hitting Ana with his tail. "Pfft, down. Where are we going?"
Will leaned back, "How do you know we aren't going home?"
"Because this isn't the way Lewis takes to go home." She spat some of Rigel's hair out, her eyes only on Will. "What are you doing?"
There she was. "Breaking you out of your spell, lass, since you seemed determined to keep yourself under it."
"And how are you doing that?"
He leaned closer, taking her hands and leaning down to press his head to hers. "By getting you away from this damn city for awhile. No parties, no people whispering behind your back, no Sophie stroking her belly like she's giving birth to Christ come again. Just you, me, and the dog for the holidays. Your mother and your friends are welcome to come, but we'll not be going back up until you're better."
He could see her eyes well up a bit. "Will, you don't have to-"
"I'm your damn husband, of course I have to." He pulled her closer to wrap her in his arms. "And I want to, Ana. Besides, it won't cost us much. We already own the place we're going to."
"And that is?"
"That cabin Mrs. Brown gave us, in Vermont. A nice, quiet, country Christmas. With plenty of snow." Will looked down, stripping his gloves. "Here, until we get to the train." She tugged them on, the gloves far too big for her hands. "Don't worry, we can find yours in the trunk. Louise and Reggie spent the last few days packing everything you should need for a winter trip, and the car has been readied for us."
Ana wiggled her hands, making the gloves flap a bit. "What about the cabin?"
"I spent the last few days getting in contact with the farming family that's been taking care of it." Will shoved his own hands into the pockets of the coat Ana was wearing, it was at least a bit warmer. "They'll have food and firewood waiting for us."
She glanced up, "Is that why you weren't around?"
"Yes, I'm sorry but I wanted to surprise you." He pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Do you like it?"
"I do." Her voice was quiet, but she leaned into him. "Thank you, Will." He didn't try to draw her into further conversation, at this point he was content to hold her close and occasionally press a kiss to her. He would keep showing her affection, would keep making sure that she knew she was loved. He even held her close when they got to the station.
Lewis had the door open in a minute, helping Ana out and holding Rigel until she was settled. He gave her a smile, "I hope this trip helps you, ma'am. We all do."
Ana took the leash, looking towards the station. "Thank you."
"And if you have need of anything just send a wire and Peggy will see it sent." Lewis touched his hat, jumping back into the driver's seat and clucking to the horses to send them off. Will kept a close hold of Ana's hand as they made their way into the station, passing the busier platforms and making their way to the rather deserted train that held their rail car. It looked far more elegant than many of the other cars that were hooked to the engine. The car was warm, the trunks packed in the back of it and a basket of sweets waiting for them.
He was in the middle of pulling the curtains shut when Ana spoke, "What will we say when people ask?"
"That you're heading to the country for your health." He chuckled, coming to press a kiss to her cheek. "And that they can bloody well leave off." She chuckled at that, and he kissed her other cheek. "And I told Peggy to say that word for word. Your mother had another word in mind for what they could do, I never quite expected her to curse like that." He saw her lips twitch into a bit of smile at that, and he lingered for a moment with his arms around her.
But then she withdrew, pulling off his gloves and moving to the stove in the corner. She stretched her hands out, taking in the warmth. "How long will it be?"
"Not that long," He shoved his gloves into his pocket, coming to join her. "It's not too far, at least to the train station. I'm not sure how far it will be from town to the cabin."
"A cabin?" Her brow furrowed, and she swayed slightly as the train started. "I thought it was a cottage."
He chuckled, "I think Mrs. Brown may have overemphasized the quaintness of it all, according to Mr. Bishop it's a fine cabin, two stories and with plenty of room for us."
"Oh." Ana shook her head, pulling her hands back. "I should have realized that." Will wanted to tell her that it was quite alright, that neither of them had actually seen the place or spoken to the caretakers before he had, but the words wouldn't come as she moved to a bench and curled her feet up underneath her. He joined her as the train picked up steam, the city receding behind them. Will wished he could have been on one of the platforms between the trains so he could have spat after it and all the people there.
He tried to draw Ana into conversation about what she wanted to do while in Vermont, telling her that Louise and Reggie had packed entertainment for them as well as clothes, but she stayed quiet. So he started speaking to her about what Mr. Bishop had told him about the property, consisting of not only the house but the farm his family occupied and an entire forest and lake besides. He wanted to grab her hand, but she had them tucked close around her. "I was thinking we might build a boathouse on the lake, to go sailing."
"Mmm." Her eyes had gone to the window of the stove.
Will cursed himself, scrambling for something. "The garage is almost finished in Southampton, we'll just have to see about getting an auto for it. What would you like? We could always get a Model T, but I thought you might prefer something fancier. A Daimler or a Renault?"
She pulled her arms a little tighter about herself. "I'm not sure, but I think you can decide." The rest of the train ride passed in much the same way, and he only managed to hold her hand when helping her out of the car after the train had slowed to a stop in Putnam. It was a small station, but it did have a porter or two and Will quickly waved them down to unload the trunks.
He had only poked his head outside the station for a moment before a loud voice called out. "Is that you, Mr. Murdoch?" A large, barrel chested man had stood up from the driver's seat of a wagon. He had a plain face, but Will's attention was more on the strong Belgian horses hooked up. They were fine beasts, clean and obviously well cared for.
"Mr. Bishop?" Will glanced back, seeing Ana hanging back in the warmth of the station. "We have some trunks up here."
"Just have them load them up in here." Mr. Bishop waved to the wagon, "I've got Jacob with the buggy for you and Mrs. Murdoch. I'll be along shortly after with your belongings."
A young man, skinny as a rail but with a firm hand on the bay horse hitched to the buggy, raised his whip. "Over here, sir." Will held out a hand for Ana, and she slipped her own hand into but didn't clasp it. Will grimaced at that, but saw her down the steps and into the buggy. Jacob quickly had the horse trotting out, pointing out places they may want to visit in town. A booksellers, a carpenter, an inn that had a decent spread, a green grocers and a dry goods store and more, all of them just a short buggy ride away.
Jacob kept talking as they gained the woods outside town. "I can have the buggy ready anytime you need, and if you want to send word back to the city they've got a telegram at the station."
"That's good." Will glanced to Ana, who was staring at the woods as if she had never seen trees before. "I assume the mail will reach us out here?"
Jacob nodded, "Oh yes sir, and Father makes the run into town every few days and can bring back everything. If there's anything that's important someone from town may come out, but things are very quiet back here." The boy kept up a running commentary for the entire trip, telling them about his family. His mother Sarah and his sister Ellen were waiting at the cabin, having brought over dinner and aired the place out. There was a garden there, and a bit of an orchard, but everything was dormant for the winter. Apparently Ellen was very excited to have visitors from the city, but his father had told her not to bother them too much. Will kept an eye on Ana through all this, seeing her simply stare out.
"Look Ana, there it is." He slipped his arm behind her, pointing out. Rising in a clearing was the cabin, brown walls almost the same color as the trees around them. It was a two story building, with a steep roof to shrug off the snow. A porch wrapped around the outside, aside from the rounded area that Will assumed must be a parlor. It was brightly lit, and the brick chimney was puffing out a welcoming stream of smoke. Will helped Ana up the stone steps after the buggy had stopped, hearing Mr. Bishop arriving behind them.
Am auburn haired girl greeted them, her eyes wide as she opened the door. "Oh, hello."
"Hello," Will smiled down at her, "You must be Ellen." She nodded, still in the doorway. "Well, I'm William and this is Anastasia and we'd like to come inside." The girl blushed, scrambling back from the door and running towards a woman in a calico print dress. Rigel romped after her, gave her a sniff, and trotted off to explore the rest of the house.
She patted the girl's head, "My apologies, she's been waiting by the door since her brother left."
"It's quite alright." Will chuckled, moving farther into the house. It wasn't lit by electricity, candles and oil lamps reigned this far out in the country. The furnishings were spare, a settee and a pair of chairs by the fireplace, a dining table and a couple chairs shoved into one corner. Aside from a few shelves, that was it. He looked up as the men started carrying the trunks up, "Do they know which room to go to?"
"Ah, well, there's only one bed." Sarah smiled, shrugging. "Mr. Brown was here more often that Mrs. Brown and he preferred things rather sparse. I think he even left some prospecting supplies in the basement if you'd care to try your hands at panning."
Will chuckled, "Maybe later, I think we're a bit tired from the trip out." He sniffed, smelling something delicious from the kitchen. "Is that dinner?"
"Oh, yes. And I've left somethings for breakfast, I'll be back tomorrow with some more food and Jacob can take an order into town if you just tell him what you want." The men had finally managed to take the last of the trunks up, and were clearly waiting by the door. Sarah collected Ellen into her arms, "We'll leave you two alone then, but we'll see you soon."
Ana waited until the sound of the wagon and buggy had faded before speaking, looking up the stairs. "I can take the settee."
"No, Ana." Will came back to where she was, having gone over to set out a pair of bowls and fill them with the wonderfully creamy vegetable soup that had been waiting for them on the stove.
She didn't even notice the way he was grabbing her hand. "Then let me bring you an extra blanket or two."
"No, Ana. We're both sleeping in the bed tonight." He refused to consider any other alternative, leading her to the parlor where it was warm.
"Will, I don't-" She started when he unbuttoned her coat, and drew away when he pulled it off.
Will threw it onto a chair, his brow furrowed. "I just wanted to hold you, is that such a crime?"
"No, it isn't."
"Then why won't you let me? Have I don't something wrong? Ana, it feels like it's been forever since I was able to do little more than hold your hand. What did I do to deserve this?" Part of him wanted to collapse into tears himself, but he refused to give up.
Her voice had a sob in it. "Oh Will, you didn't do anything."
"Then what is the cause of it? Do you not love me anymore?"
"Of course I love you!" There she was, the spark that Will wanted back in Ana so badly was still there and he would see it flare to life.
"Then why do you not act like it? It used to be that when either of us walked into a room the other would light up, now we look away. What happened?" Rigel chose that moment to come back in, curling up by the fireplace and anxiously glancing between the two.
The fire crackled, Rigel's whines louder than it. "I don't deserve you, Will. And you don't deserve me."
"What nonsense is that? Why would you say that, about either of us?"
"You deserve to be with someone who isn't a failure, like I am."
He couldn't help the anger in his voice. "Why are you a failure?"
She laughed, "Isn't it obvious? I can't manage the company properly and people died for it, I can't get pregnant and I can't-" Ana cut herself off, looking away from him.
"Finish." He stepped forward, tilting her chin up.
Her voice was a whisper. "I can't be sure that my husband loves me."
"Of course I love you, Ana. Why would you ever think I don't?" Why would Ana think that he didn't love her? They were married, they'd had their honeymoon and she'd always told him how much she loved him and he in turn. There was nothing he could do to prove his love more than what he had already done.
"Because you loved Ada."
Will stepped back, his heart giving a pang at his late wife's name. "You never had a problem with it before. Ada was my past and you're my present, there's no reason for that to upset you."
"But there is!" Tears were beginning to escape now, and Rigel whined loudly.
"Then say it."
"It's because I don't know who you would choose, if you could pick one of us to have. If she was alive and well. I wouldn't blame you for wanting her back." Ana turned away at that, staring at the fire.
He stepped closer, turning her to face him. "Ana, who put that thought into your head? I know you would never arrive there on your own, not when you spoke so kindly of her before."
"Will, I don't-"
He wanted to shake her, to pry it from her. Instead he simply stroked her shoulder. "Ana, please. Just tell me, love."
Her lip quivered. "On the day of Zachary's wedding, when we were dancing, he told me that I was a second choice. That you'd go back to Ada in a heartbeat. And I tried to put it from my mind Will, truly. I told myself to not think about it, but then the storm happened and I, I couldn't keep it out anymore. Why wouldn't you want to be with Ada? At least she could do something right. And I realized, I'm a failure as a company owner and a failure as a wife. Ada was never a failure."
Will had to step away at that, raking a hand through his hair. "Jesus suffering fuck, Ana. He wanted to upset you, that's why he said that! And you're letting him affect you! Affect us! You know I love you!" He turned towards her, his eyes wild.
"But did you love Ada more?" She cringed away from him. "That's something I can never know because you won't tell me."
Will had to bite down his first remark, that she had never asked him. He considered the question for a moment, then shook his head. "I won't tell you because I don't know!" He grabbed her arms, his eyes wild. "I don't know which of you I'd pick if I had the choice because I love you both so much. I want to be with you though, I want to have a family with you and live our lives together without Zachary fucking Reichster throwing wrenches into our marriage." He let go of her arms, stepping close and wrapping his arms around her. "All I want, right now, if I could have anything in the world, is for you to be happy. I don't want you to be cold, or crying or how you've been. I just want to fix this but I don't know how. But I'll do anything to help. Please Ana, just tell me something."
Ana sobbed, her voice scratchy. "I don't deserve you! You deserve a wife who can give you children and who isn't a failure like-" She was cut off at that point because he had grabbed her by her forearms and almost hauled her bodily off the floor.
God he was furious, and he didn't try to restrain his voice. "Don't you say that again, don't you dare say that I don't deserve you!" She looked almost frightened of him, but he hardly cared. "If there is either of us who doesn't deserve the other, it's me." He let go of her arms, dropping to his knees as he stared up at her. Those brown eyes, filled with tears and her flushed cheeks, he tried to focus and quell the anger that was racing through him. Not at her, never at her, but at the people who had said such things and said them so often that she had believed them. At Zachary Reichtster and his bloody friends who had nothing better to do with their lives than to try and tear down his wife.
His hands were gentle when he reached for hers again, pressing a kiss to each. "So many other men would have brought money and titles to lay on the altar when they married you, I could only bring myself. I could not offer you anything beyond my heart and my hands, and yet you chose me still." He looked up again, seeing tears tracing their way down her face. "So if I have to spend every day telling you how much more you you deserve and how much I love you, then it will be a happy burden for me to bear. But I don't ever want to hear you say you don't deserve me, you deserve the world, Ana. I can't give you that, but I will die trying if I have to."
"Oh Will," She almost collapsed, and he caught her around the shoulders and she fell onto him. She was crying, her head buried in his shoulder. "I'm so sorry, this has all been so wrong."
He did his best to soothe her. "Shhh, it doesn't mean we can't put it to rights." He clutched her closer, "I just want to help you, but you have to let me."
She rubbed her face against his shirt, using it to dry her eyes. "I love you, Will. And you have helped." She sniffed, looking up. "I think it's just going to take time for me. Like a ship coming back to an even keel."
"And I can't exactly shift ballast around on you to make it come back quicker." He chuckled, brushing his fingers through her hair. "But we've got time here, time away from New York. Take all the time you need, Ana. I'll be right beside you."