Arthur had stayed true to his word, not letting Milena join any more Order meetings or be sent out of any more missions. Lee had to continue the radio show without her from that point, which was rather disappointing, but not surprising. She may as well have been just told that she was on house arrest and it would have felt like the same thing.
It was often Fred who would update her on the latest news from the Order - who had gone missing, who had died, or the movements of the Death Eaters - but overall there didn't seem to be much for him to tell her. Sometimes Fred would return with a new book for her, something he thought might be of interest for her since she had nearly run out of Muriel's books already. He had managed to snag a few healing books, one on healing properties of certain magical plants and another on more advanced healing charms and spells, and a few other random assortments of stories that might keep her entertained.
By early February, Milena was keeping herself busy by practising new healing magic that she'd read in the books, but eventually this had grown boring too. So she had moved onto practising potions and recipes that she had read about - at least the ones she had the ingredients around for - and eventually this somehow spiraled into testing potions and experimenting with them, seeing what else she could come up with, even trying some muggle remedies mixed with the magical ones just to see what the outcome would be.
She had accidentally taken over the kitchen, which Muriel and Molly were displeased by, and had spread out all of her ingredients, failed potion attempts, and assortment of textbooks around the counters. The first potion she had been making originally when all of this had started was a potion similar to Skele-Gro. Skele-Gro potions were notoriously disgusting to drink which had her wondering if she could change anything in it to taste a little better. Then, she wondered if she could make it work faster, but if it worked faster it would need to be painless, which Skele-Gro unfortunately was not.
Next thing she knew, she was spending hours of the day, working on trying to improve the quality of potions and practising a type of magic which she had never really had much of an interest in before. But when you're locked up in a house by yourself for hours each day, anything could become entertainment she supposed.
Working on these potions all day reminded her of working on the products for the joke shop when they were back in Hogwarts as just new witches and wizards. When the only worries they had were perfecting the canary creams and making sure Molly didn't find the fireworks.
Oh how she missed the shop. She would give anything to be back there right now, playing with the pygmy puffs, listening to the sounds of laughter between friends, smelling the chocolate and faint firework smoke in the air. Now, here she was, feeling imprisoned in another person's house for a stupid decision she had made, trying relentlessly to improve potions without seeing a bit of improvement and reminiscing about the good ol' days at nearly 20 years old. How was it possible to feel so old while still being so young?
Having given up on yet another attempt to make Skele-Gro taste better, she tossed aside her stirring rod and waved her wand over the cauldron, vanishing the sickly green, bubbling liquid that reeked of old compost. She assumed sooner or later she'd be back working on the potions again, so rather than put everything away, she had claimed a section of the counter in the corner where she gathered everything and left it to surely be used again.
She left the kitchen, tossing the old, white apron she had been wearing onto the counter and threw herself onto the living room couch in defeat for the day. The house was quiet when she was the only one there. Everyone had gone to the Order meeting for that day and Muriel had gone out to the shops for some "me time" as she called it.
Milena stretched herself out along the couch, staring up at the tall, wooden ceiling and let out a deep sigh. She laid there, simply staring at the ceiling for a while thinking of anything she could do to distract herself, but nothing seemed to come to mind. Instead, her own thoughts began to pool into her mind again, reminding her over and over again that she had done this to herself. She could be out there right now, taking on tasks for the Order, helping them with what little they had left, but she wasn't. Sure, she was still one of their healers, but no one seemed to need her healing. Either they would be dead, missing, or out of the action entirely and those that did need healing, Molly tended to get to first since she would be at the meetings.
For months, she hadn't had a single premonition, no visions, no sight into the future at all, it seemed as though even her gift had given up on her. While Fred remained supportive of her and did what he could to show his support, he was often only ever around when he was coming home for a quick dinner, a few hours of rest, then back to work for the Order. They barely had any time at all for each other. It seemed like no one had time for her, no one had time for anyone.
As she stared at the ceiling, barely blinking as her thoughts felt like they would consume her, there was a knock at the front door. Milena lifted her head, a little suspicious of the sudden guest. Her wand was pulled into her grasp almost instantly as she swung her legs off of the couch and stood up, cautiously walking towards the front door.
She stood at the door for a moment, her free hand resting on the door knob, deciding whether or not she should open it, but then the person on the other side of the door spoke.
"Milena? Are you there? It's Remus." The person said through the door. "I wanted to check on you. Can you please let me in?"
Milena opened the door only a crack and pointed her wand directly at Remus' face who stood unblinking yet mostly calm.
"What did Remus tell me after he told me about the baby?" Milena asked.
"That I was worried they would end up like me." Remus said gently.
Milena lowered her wand and pulled the door open, letting Remus inside and shutting the door on the cold wind chill that was blowing into the house. Remus walked past her and into the living room, pointing his wand at the fireplace and lighting a small fire to warm his hands over. Milena followed behind him, joining him in the living room as well.
"Tea?" Milena asked.
"Thanks." Remus nodded.
Milena waved her wand towards the kitchen and a steaming teapot and two teacups floated into the living room, placing themselves on the coffee table, followed by a small jug of milk and a cup of sugar. The two sat on the couches opposite of each other and both took their tea. Milena didn't say a word, unsure of exactly what to say or what he expected her to say.
"How are you doing... under your circumstances?" Remus asked, taking a sip of tea.
"Things could be better, but I suppose I deserve this." Milena replied. "I've been spending a lot of time on potions of all things... Not exactly something I ever thought I'd say, but it's been... interesting."
Remus huffed out a single laugh.
"So... why exactly are you here and not at the Order meeting?" Milena asked, wanting to get right to the point.
"Oh, the meeting ended not too long ago. I wanted to stop in to see you before the Weasley's returned. I'm sure they'll be along soon." Remus paused to take another sip of tea. "I wanted to ask you about what happened in January myself."
"Oh." Milena sighed. "That."
"Yes, that." Remus repeated. "I would ask 'what were you thinking' but I'm already sure I know the answer to that and I'm sure you've heard enough lectures. So, I'll just ask, what's going on with you?"
Milena froze at that. No one had really asked her that. She had been scolded and punished and Fred had only shown his full support, but no one had asked her - what made her do it? What made her rush into a situation that she had no information on? What made her so eager to want to be a part of the missions?
"We've lost so much..." Milena said softly. "Sometimes it makes me wonder... is this all worth it? How are we supposed to win? No one knows where Harry is... Vol-"
"Don't say his name." Remus quickly interrupted. "Sorry... They've made it taboo, if you say it, the snatchers will be able to locate you immediately."
Milena sighed again.
"Right... 'course they have." Milena lowered her head. She felt tired, but not the kind of tired that a night's rest would fix. The kind of tired that someone who's been long broken felt, the moment they realized just how fragile they were.
"You know, Milena," Remus said, "you remind me a lot of myself during the first war."
Milena raised her head again, just enough to make eye contact with Remus. His face had grown soft as he watched Milena, like a father sympathizing with his child. She gave him an interested look, wondering what he meant.
"Tired, losing hope, losing trust, feeling used yet useless, wondering if anything you've done really mattered." Remus paused for a moment as if he was analyzing Milena's expressions, she assumed it was to be sure he hadn't upset her. "I lost a lot during that war and I lost everyone who had mattered to me in just one night... I've lost a lot during this one too and as much as 21 year old Remus would have hated to admit it, hope is really all we have to hang onto."
Remus put his now empty teacup down on the coffee table. Milena watched him, unsure of what to say to him.
"I remember," he continued, "when James, Peter, Sir- Sirius, and I were so eager to join the war when we graduated. We were all so ready to be heroes, James and Sirius of course, were ready more than anyone. They would get sent off on all of these missions and come back later and tell me all about their brawls while I was left to do research. I wanted to join them, be asked to be a part of the action, but the only time I was asked to do something was when it involved the werewolves... and I hated it. And then when we discovered there was a spy in the Order... it tore us apart. That's when I think I really started to lose hope."
"Why are you telling me all of this?" Milena finally asked, lacking her usual confidence.
"Because... Like I said, you remind me of myself at your age. Even when you were just a student of mine, I saw a little bit of myself in you and then when I saw you with Fred and George and all of the mischief... well let's just say, I knew the legacy my friends and I had left was in good hands." Remus smiled softly at Milena as she let out a small chuckle. "I can see how tired you are now and how hard all of this has been on you, but we have to hold onto that small bit of hope we have left."
Like always, Remus was right again and Milena knew he was, but holding onto hope felt like it was so hard when you could barely grasp it in your hands.
"Oh and I thought I ought to let you know that Fred is going to check on your parents with Bill at the safe house tonight. That's why they're all taking a little bit longer." Remus added.
The thought of Fred checking in on her parents for her warmed her a little bit. Thinking of how scared they must be and being able to see a friendly face who would be sure to give them a laugh before he left gave her a little more comfort. She appreciated it, even if it was a part of his job.
"Anyways... I don't want to be taking up too much of your time and I ought to get back to my wife." Remus said as he stood from the couch.
"Of course," Milena nodded, standing up herself and following him as he moved towards the front door. "Tell Tonks I send my love and hopefully I'll be able to see her again soon."
"I'll be sure to tell her." Remus smiled again.
Before she opened the door for Remus, she swung her arms around him and pulled him into a hug for a moment. He hesitated for a moment, but wrapped an arm around her back and gave her a squeeze back before she pulled away again.
"Thank you, Remus." She said as she opened the door. "For um... checking in on me."
Remus only nodded at her as he left the house and made his way just outside of the barrier where he apparated away, but not before giving her a friendly wave goodbye. He really was someone she could count on, even if she didn't realize it all the time. He just knew how to be there for her without making her feel like he was giving her sympathy. It was more like he empathized, like he understood her. Maybe they were more alike than she knew.
When Fred had finally arrived home that night, Milena was already getting herself ready for bed and just about to climb under the covers when he slowly opened the door and popped his head in to check if she was awake.
"Well don't just stand there, come in." Milena chuckled as he pushed the door open and entered the room. Milena sat down on her bed and watched him as he grinned down at her. "What can I help you with, Freddie?"
"I saw your parents tonight." Fred smiled. "Just wanted to let you know that they're safe and doing very well and they both still absolutely love me."
"Oh well we wouldn't want them to stop loving you." Milena said sarcastically.
"I wasn't finished! They also asked me to tell you that they both love you and miss you very much and your dad asked me to call you... Milli Vanilli? I'm not sure what that part meant." Fred relayed.
Milena rolled her eyes and let out an exasperated sigh.
"My dad called me that as a kid. It's the name of a muggle musical duo that I'm not the fondest of, but he thinks it's funny to call me that." Milena explained. "He probably asked you to say that so I'd know they're both still in good spirits. Normally, I'd be more annoyed at that, but it's actually a relief to hear."
"Well then, Milli Vani-"
"Freddie," she interrupted, "if you ever want to be able to sleep with me again, do not ever call me that."
"Understood, love." He nodded, trying to hide his smirk.