A/N Hello my lovelies! another chapter for you. Conversations with my much loved author friend has given me so much muse to write so Makirasan this is again for you. I adore you! This story is fiction and any resemblance to the people mentioned is purely coincidental. I post here and on AO3 and my permission must be obtained before posting elsewhere. Feedback is my muse so if you like what I write, please let me know. If you want to be alerted when I update, you can follow _eyes_wideshut on twitter. Now hopefully go and enjoy this!
Chapter 4
The newly connected took some time to get to know each other and the more Hyunjin learned about Felix, the more he liked the younger man. He was the type of man Hyunjin had never even dreamed existed for real. Because they shared their minds, it was impossible for either of them to hide anything or lie to the other or even themselves. Every thought they had was completely shared whether they wanted it to be or not. It took time to get accustomed to. It was an invasion of privacy on an epic scale but because neither of them had wanted this, they didn't blame the other and learned to live with it or at least beyond an errant thought or two.
Felix had started putting off Jacob's attempts to come over. He felt bad but he didn't want a repeat of last time. It was awkward and uncomfortable for him to have sex that way with the other man in his head and feeling everything he felt. Hyunjin understood and talked to him about it some. After a few nervous tries, Hyunjin resumed his usual stress relief activities. He tried to do it when Felix was asleep but wasn't always successful; during those times, Felix tried hard to focus on something else. They didn't talk about it outside of those times and other than an errant thought during, they didn't talk about it then either.
Felix was becoming very curious though. He had done things to himself of course he had, who didn't? But even then it was quick and perfunctory; he had never lingered to enjoy it the way Hyunjin seemed to. The older man allowed himself to think about what he was doing, he drew it out and enjoyed it. It did relieve his stress in a way Felix's same acts never had. It made Felix begin to wonder if he ever had truly enjoyed sex. Your body, everyone's bodies are something to celebrate. Enjoy the feelings and take your time. Learn what feels good to you. You deserve to be wanted, even by yourself, Lixie. I like Lixie. He could feel Hyunjin smile at his like of the nickname. I like Lixie too. Felix gave a giggle that Hyunjin had found adorable from the first time he had heard it.
Felix had caught himself up on all their music videos and had listened to every song. He was working his way through all the shows and behind the scenes stuff he could find. When he had clocked out for the day on a Tuesday, he continued his search for merchandise. He wanted a Stray Kids hoodie and a few hard copy albums. He had an order ready to go but suddenly Hyunjin stopped him. Not from there. They aren't reputable. Go here. He directed Felix to the site. The stuff was more expensive on this site but Hyunjin assured him it was quality. It was their actual merchandise and not a knock off which apparently there were a lot of. This is where our family and friends get things. He hesitated.
You know that you don't have to order anything, right? But I want it. Felix said, confused. I meant I could just send you the sweatshirt, it's not that... Absolutely not. Felix's thought was more stern than Hyunjin had ever heard it. He could see the swirl of absolute horror that their connection could be used to exploit Hyunjin even in that small way. I will never ask you for anything like that. If I want to be a fan then I should enjoy supporting you and your success. Felix, you really don't... Jinnie stop. I can and will order what I want. That conversation made Hyunjin's respect for Felix grow tenfold. He had never met anyone so pure and that it was genuine and not for show blew his mind. Sometimes I can't believe you are actually real. Everyone has an agenda but not you. He thought in awe. No. I don't.
Hyunjin helped him with the order form and rather quickly he had placed an order for their current album's hoodie. It had cute little ears on the top too. Hyunjin knew Felix would look adorable in it. Later that day after Felix was asleep and couldn't hear what was happening, Hyunjin knocked on Chan's door. "Hyung, got a minute?"
"Of course." Chan said, pushing his laptop away to give Hyunjin his undivided attention. "I want to send out some of our stuff to a friend and I was wondering. He ordered a hoodie from our in house vendor because that's where I told him to. Can I throw some extra stuff in and pay for the stuff myself?" Chan raised an eyebrow.
"Of course. You know you can have anything and send it to anyone you want." He paused and looked Hyunjin over, noting the flushed cheeks and darting eyes. "Is there anything I should know?"
Hyunjin loved the way hyung phrased things. It wasn't ever tell me this or even what don't I know but always is there something I SHOULD know? He always left it to them to determine what they wanted to share or not. In the beginning it had made Hyunjin respect him right away. "No, hyung."
Chan nodded, thinking. "Would you like us to all sign some things?"
Hyunjin's head shot up excitedly. "We can do that?"
"Of course. I can put a halt to his order, we get the kids over for dinner, sign everything and you can send it out tomorrow. You will just need to go to the teams office and pick out what you want to send."
"Thank you, hyung!" Hyunjin said happily.
Chan smiled after him as the dancer practically ran out of the room. He wondered what was going on with Hyunjin lately but seeing as how happy he seemed, whatever it was, he wouldn't complain. He would assume Hyunjin was dating someone except that he wasn't on his phone much anymore the way he would be if he were dating. New relationships meant wanting to talk all the time. Hyunjin was hardly ever on his phone anymore, mostly he just stared off into space lately, lost in his thoughts. Hyunjin would tell them when he was ready. He turned back to his laptop and resumed his work.
Hyunjin picked out the sweatshirt that Felix had ordered but added a Jiniret plushie, a lightstick, several of their albums, a t-shirt, keychain with Jiniret on it and a large poster of all of them. He grinned as he pointed out Felix's order on the sheet and explained what he was doing. Though their manager raised an eyebrow, he didn't say anything about it. After all it wasn't like a random guy in Australia was going to be much of a concern of theirs. Hyunjin bagged everything into one of their backpacks and took it back to the dorms.
He set everything on the table and looked into the kitchen where he could hear Minho chopping things. He helped pull dinner together chatting with his hyung as they cooked. Minho smiled and glanced at the door just before it opened as he always seemed to when Jisung was involved. Hyunjin saw Jisung and Changbin make their way in and waved to them. Jisung came in and stole a piece of the cooked meat from the pile. When Hyunjin had done the same a few minutes previously, Minho had threatened to cut off his hand. When Jisung did it, he just smiled indulgently. Hyunjin loved watching the two of them together. It was almost like a dance of a different sort. They anticipated each other's movements and moved in tandem. It was beautiful. He wished they could show STAY but he understood that it wasn't something they could do. He knew if STAY saw this side of Minho, they would never dare say he was mean.
The kids had dinner together and signed all the stuff for Felix, much laughter occurring as they tried to tempt Hyunjin into explaining who it was for. It appeared Seungmin was running interference and cracking jokes. He was so good at knowing when someone wanted to talk and when they didn't. They often said Binnie hyung was the core of their group but Hyunjin privately thought it was more accurate to say that Seungmin was.
He was always listening, supporting and giving the members what they needed. Whether it was a laugh, usually at Chan's expense, or an ear to listen to them; perhaps some advice or even just a meal with a friend. Seungmin always seemed to pay attention and learn their ticks and cues and figure out how to help each of them individually and together. He flirted with Binnie and Jeongin who liked the attention. He teased Chan as his older brother but also always made sure to be polite and respectful when it was time to be. He egged on Jisung when he was hyped up and toyed playfully with Minho. He knew each of them better than perhaps any of them.
Hyunjin headed back to the office and boxed up the order for Felix with a grin. He knew Felix may be angry when he got the order but he was so happy to have done this small thing. He respected Felix in a way he had never respected anyone previously. It was impossible not to when he saw the kind and pure heart and thoughts of the Aussie. That night when he crawled in bed, he saw Felix's face and smile flash through his mind and smiled. Though their connection had made him extremely uncomfortable at first, with Felix being who he was, it was actually a relief to have their connection. He was sharing himself completely with someone, it was honestly everything he had ever wanted.
Felix was beautiful and kind; loving and loyal. He rarely even looked at himself in the mirror, not realizing his own potential. It made Hyunjin want to show him not only the beauty of the world but also the beauty of Felix himself. If the younger weren't with Jacob, he could see himself easily falling for the Aussie. He wished, not for the first time, that Felix lived closer. He saw the younger pop into a couple of their lives but with so many people in and chatting, he didn't have the ability to let Felix know he saw him. He did tell him in his head each time, welcoming him to the live and telling him how happy he was to have Felix there.
Several days later, he and Minho rested after learning a new routine. Hyunjin sweated and was breathing hard as he lay on the floor catching his breath and resting. He sat up slowly and looked at himself in the mirror. Felix looked with him. You are very beautiful but especially when sweaty. I never thought I would find someone sexy when they were sweating but you...you are. He felt Felix's shame at the thought. Lixie, you are human. You can't help thinking someone is sexy whether you are taken or not. I don't know if I agree with that, but thank you. Hyunjin noticed Minho looking at him curiously. "You have been lost in thought a lot lately Jin-ah. Everything ok?"
Hyunjin debated what to say. Felix shrugged not knowing. "I'm ok. Just thinking a lot lately. I've always been so jealous of what you and Sung have but especially lately."
"We aren't the norm Jin-ah. We were just..."
"Made for each other." Hyunjin finished and Minho nodded. "I just wish I could find my other half."
"You will, and you likely won't expect it when it happens." Minho said gently. "I never expected to meet Jisung." Hyunjin smiled, remembering how Jisung had stared at Minho like he was the sun; the most brilliant and beautiful thing ever.
"You may not have expected to but you were meant to." Hyunjin told him and smiled. Maybe we were meant to meet too. I think so. Watching them and hearing your thoughts really makes me wonder if Jacob is the right man for me. He had been thinking about it a lot lately but Hyunjin had just let him think about it and figure it out for himself. He doesn't appear to respect you in the way that you deserve. I thought he was the best I was going to get. Guys that I'm into aren't usually interested in me. I'm the freak with the girly looks and the deep voice. You are not a freak. You are a beautiful man, inside and out. Your voice is amazing and makes you that much more intriguing. You deserve a man who treats you with respect and love. If you want Jacob and actually love him then be with him. But if you have doubts and we both know that you do, maybe you should listen to that inner voice. You mean you? Felix had a laugh in his tone. You don't have to listen to me. You are your own man. Thats what I'm trying to say. You deserve to have what YOU want and not bow down to what someone else wants. I know. I'm thinking about it. Hyunjin knew that he was. He could tell his thoughts about Jacob had clouded Felix's thoughts some. Not clouded. You are just making me see things I had ignored.
"I know." Minho replied. "We need to get moving. Sungie will need us soon for recording." Hyunjin nodded and stood up. They showered and headed to 3racha's studio to lay down some vocals. Felix couldn't help but hum along. Your voice is beautiful. Thank you. Felix was embarrassed by his voice, he always had been but he knew how much Hyunjin loved it and it made him happy and somewhat proud. He was starting to see himself differently than he ever had and wasn't sure that would have ever happened without their connection.