July 9th 2024 - New York City - The Sinclair's Brownstone
I was laying on my bed doing my exercises from rehab, my body was finally getting stronger, it wasn't perfect yet but I could be out for longer without being exhausted and I even managed to climb the stairs a few times this week. I had been more focused on the physical side of my recovery this week having the time to go to the gym more due to MK not being here. She was away from the next two weeks and has been gone since July 1st for Fashion week. It felt weird not being there and hearing all about it on the phone.
I wish I could have been there but I hadn't gotten approval to fly yet so I couldn't and I didn't work at The Row anymore so I technically had no business being there despite desperately wanting to be there to support MK. This was the first time she was doing this without Ash who had stayed back to take care of her baby. I had all the faith in Mary-Kate that she could do it but she didn't believe in herself. I tried everything to get approval for flying but my doctor wouldn't sign off on it.
Despite the time difference and the physical distance between us we had still been on the phone to each other constantly. It was nice to have her on the phone whilst I was going about my day. I had become so used to her being around when she wasn't working she'd be at my parents house or we'd be out doing something, attending doctors appointments or physical therapy. So I was glad I didn't have to get used to her being completely gone again. I went to the gym with her on facetime whilst she sat in front of a sewing machine adjusting a garment. I was cooking dinner for the family with Atlas whilst she was reorganising the order of the pieces in a hotel room. We got ready together in the mornings and climbed into bed wishing each other sweet dreams, biting my tongue so I didn't let those little words slip out and ruin what we were building.
Today was the day of the show. The calls were sparse and I was bored. I had grown used to her being there to converse with, tell every random thought I had to and I was so over doing these repetitive exercises that were seemingly easy but exhausting.
I tossed the ball I had been squeezing in my hand onto the bed and picked up my phone hoping to see a message from her. Nothing. I rolled my eyes but then felt guilty because I knew just how chaotic those showdays were. I texted her saying I hope everything goes okay.
I was about to pick up the ball to finish my exercises off but there was a loud bang above me. "Mami!" I called out sitting up and climbing out of bed. "Papi!" No one replied, I guess no one was home. I walked to the staircase and listened closely, waiting for another sound to ring through the house. I wasn't wasting energy climbing the stairs if it was nothing.
"No, No, no." I heard, though the voice was dampened through distance. "Atlas?" I called and waited a few moments when he didn't reply. I started to climb the stairs, although I could do them, they took a lot for me to actually complete. I made it to the top and walked down the hall to Atlas' room where I could hear him muttering. Maybe he was on the phone. But I just wanted to check on him. I knocked before pushing the door open. His bed was unmade but he wasn't lying in it. I scanned the room for him before spotting him on the floor under his desk covering his ears.
"Oh, Atlas." I say softly, closing the door and making my way over to him. I lowered myself to the floor using the desk and sat in front of him slowly touching his hands that cupped his ears. "Hey, hey it's me." I spoke as softly as I could not wanting to startle him anymore. I had no clue he was having PTSD attacks. I thought he was fine. Mami and Papi told me he was perfectly fine.
"Atlas, you're at h-ome, you're s-afe." I say as I pull his hands down. He jumped slightly. "It-It's okay." I cupped his face, forcing him to look into my eyes. "You're home." I stroked his cheek with the pad of my thumb. "I'm h-ere, you're safe. It's a-all over n-ow." His eyes were filled with tears, some spilling over. I don't think I've ever seen him look so vulnerable and weak before. He was always our rock, shielding us from feeling like this. Seeing him this way broke my heart. He held my hand so tight it started to hurt but I didn't say anything, knowing he probably needed this right now. He was grounding himself as he slowly looked around the room taking in his surroundings and coming back to reality slowly.
"Sorry." He mumbled crawling from under the desk. "Nothing to a-pol-ogise for, Atlas." I tell him honestly watching him stand tall and box out his shoulders as if trying to intimidate the flashbacks to stop them from coming back. "I didn't mean to worry you." He says looking at me, eyeing my hands up. "You didn't... Just tired." I say honestly knowing that's why they were shaking. I stayed sitting on the floor looking up at him as he centred himself, rubbing his hands over his face and taking a few deep breaths. "It's going to be okay." I tell him knowing the aftershocks can sometimes bring more flashbacks. "You should go back downstairs." He tells me, leaning down and picking me up, his hands under my shoulders holding me until my feet are planted firmly on the ground and he was confident my legs weren't going to buckle from under me. "I can sit with y-ou." "No. Go." "Sage sits with me w-hen I have them... It h-elps. Knowing he's there. I could j-j-ust sit." I tell him. "Blue." He warned.
"We could talk it through?" "It wouldn't help" He says, shaking his head and sitting on his bed. I wish Papi was here, he'd have spoken to Papi. Atlas still sees me as his babysitter who cried when her parents left and had nightmares and needed him to hold me all through the night. He hadn't been here to see me grow. He didn't know what I could and couldn't handle. He never even tried to see what my limits were either. I will always be that kid he left behind.
"Mine h-appened randomly... The smallest thing triggering them." I tell him, sitting beside him on the bed. "And they were exhausting... Having to pretend it didn't happen. And continue." I looked at him but his eyes were glued to a spot on the floor refusing to even glance in my direction. "They got worse... But w-hen I started to t-alk... Be honest with people they sl-owly eased up. The fear I felt th-en didn't seem as o-verwhelming anymore." "You have no idea what I went through. You'll never understand. You're just a kid." He wasn't trying to be mean when he said this. "I have to protect you Blue. I can't talk to you about this." He looked at me, fear laced its way through his brown orbs, he was shattering in front of me and I had been so blind to it until now.
"I don't need protection anymore, Atlas." I told him. "I grew up." He shakes his head. "When I got injured the first time. When K-acy died." He nodded. Mami and Papi had filled him in on everything, I have never spoken to him about it. "That's the p-oint where mine start. It's like I'm there again, the air is d-ry and I get so hot. Her voice is all I can hear most of the time. It gets real huh?" He fiddled with his fingers, cracking his knuckles. A habit I picked up from him as a kid. "Sage gets a fan... it cools me d-own and h-elps ground me h-ere." I explained to him. "And he t-t-takes me to bed if we're at home. He knows I g-et tired." I shared. "But it's always o-kay. After it's over. Despite feeling like you're back there you're not. And you have to remind yourself that you don't have to ever be back there." He nodded and chewed his lip. "My team got c-ap-tured once... Not the same degree as what you went through but it was sc-ary... We were only stuck for a week. But I do understand it, Atlas. Some of it. A-and what I don't you can ex-plain to me. I saw it. I saw where you were for 7 years. I'm not a kid anymore. I can piece t-to-gether the fact that you were living in hell. I don't need things sugar coating or stories turning into fairy tales. I know our parents aren't superheroes... To us maybe but not really. I g-grew up, Atlas and I had to hold a lot together which only s-strengthened me." I was telling him this so he'd see I had changed. "Your soul is resilient." He says softly a small proud smile creeping up on his face.
We sit in silence for a few moments, I was giving him time to calm down and gather his thoughts. "It was horrible, Blue." He whispered, his voice cracking. "I didn't think it was going to end. And I wake up and I'm there and... I don't think I'm ever going to escape it." I took his hand in mine and I didn't say anything for a few moments. We just sat, I didn't know how to help him because I thought the same. I thought I'd be stuck there forever in the memories that swarmed my reality. But now as horrible as those moments are I know they don't last and I know my life I had built away from that was here surrounding me. "You f-ind your team here... And things just get easier."
"Your team? Who's that?" I smiled thinking about her. "Mary-K... We're a team. B-ut you always have more than one. You and S-s-s-age are my team just as much as you were when we were kids." I reminded him. "And we're yours." "Yeah... You always have been, Monkey." I rested my head on his shoulder and he rested on top of mine.
"Thank you." He whispered. "What?" "For coming back for me. For sacrificing your peace one last time." I squeezed his hand as tight as I could. It wasn't a very strong grip but it was enough. "It's what we do." I say softly knowing he'd run the entire world to save me. He'd sacrifice everything for me. "You should go to the meetings... You could go on a W-ednesday when none of us are there... It helps. It's scary at f-irst but it really does help." I tell him honestly. "Yeah?" "Yeah... Even S-s-age goes. He goes to the F-riday session... Because he has his support group on Monday mornings with MK." "Can I come with you?" I smiled. "That would be nice... I'd like that." I tell him. He pecked the top of my head. "Love you, Monkey." "Love you too."
"Feel like keeping me company today?" He asked and I smiled wide. "Yeah! B-b-but you have to c-c-c-arry me downstairs." I told him. He agreed easily, both my brothers having a soft spot for me. He carried me all the way to the sofa. "There you go Monkey, now what?" He asked standing over me as I got myself comfy. "You get sna-cks." I told him. He narrowed his eyes at me. "Please." I added sweetly with the best smile I could find for him. He smiled and left chuckling to himself. Whilst he was gone I searched the streaming platform for the film I knew would heal a small part of him.
"Are you serious?" He asked when he noticed the film. "Oh come on! You l-l-love this f-f-film." I tell him, smiling widely at him waiting for him to drop the macho act. "When I was 7." "Don't lie to yoursel-f." He threw the snacks at me before settling beside me. "I'll watch it for you." He tells me, putting his legs on the coffee table. "Mami will kill you." I tell him using the last of my strength to kick his feet off. He rolled his eyes. I pressed play on the film and we both were instantly drawn in taken back to when we were children.
"You know Jazz and W-estern are-" "Shush." "Thought you didn't like Nemo anymore?" I teased. "Shut up or leave." I zipped my lips and snuggled into his side more. We both watched our childhood classic in silence just how Atlas always made us watch it. Sage came home and silently joined us giving me a small look, both of us exchanging knowing smiles. Being home, the three of us watched a film we watched a million times. The calmness I would feel as a change blanketed me once again, the safety setting in my body finally coming out of flight or fight as I shared a quiet moment with my siblings.
Our parents came home and Mami and Papi weren't arguing for once. They stood by the door as we watched childhood films, laughing together as we reminisced amongst ourselves. Everything felt like it was falling into place again. No rough edges, or missing pieces. Our home was a sanctuary of safety as it had been for years prior to this one. We all felt it, I could tell.
MK called but I let it ring out before texting her back saying I'd call her before bed. I was enjoying this, catching up on missed time with both my brothers. Being called Monkey and held close by Atlas whilst Sage teased him. Our parents' laughter carried through the house as they cooked us dinner.
"Room for two more?" Papi asked us as he held two dishes in his hand. I stretched my neck to see what they had created for us. "Depends if that g-g-gaz-p-ach-o-o gazpacho is for me?" I asked with a smirk. He chuckled, shaking his head but handing me the bowl. It smelt amazing. "Thanks, Papi." He handed the second one to Sage. We always got served first being the youngest. Mami brought hers and Atlas' through as Papi went back for him.
We never ate in the lounge, Mami was scared of us spilling something on the sofas and carpets. We ate whilst watching another film, I could feel our parents' eyes watching over us as we spoke amongst ourselves. Atlas was asking about MK and I's relationship and me and Sage were filling him in. "I like her." Atlas concluded. "Yeah?" Something in me still craved his approval. It was hard to get. Whenever he suspected I liked someone he was more harsh towards them and protective of me. So for him to admit to liking her was nice to hear. "Yeah, she's a good one, Monkey." I smiled to myself before spooning more food into my mouth.
"There's cake when you're all done." Mami announced. And just like when we were kids we raced to spoon the last of the soup into our mouths before pushing each other out of the door to get to the biggest slice of cake. I was behind the boys and Papi came in just as Atlas cut into the cake and lifted it out of his grasp. "I'll cut it." He said taking the knife and cutting equal pieces to avoid our childish bickering to break out over the size of the slices.
I took my cake to my room wanting to call MK and get the rundown of the show. "Hey, Tiny!" I greeted as her smile flashed on my screen. She immediately started to fill me in on her day and I sat listening with a smile on my face, loving all the details she was giving me. I tried to offer her comfort and solutions to the problems she highlighted whilst she was talking. And then she asked about my day. I was hesitant at first to tell her about Atlas and what happened but she had always been so understanding when it came to me and my PTSD that I knew she'd cast no judgement. So I explained what happened. At first she was concerned but I explained how the rest of the day went and she was smiling again. I couldn't stop smiling, it was really nice to spend the day with my brother, both of them but I had really missed out on Atlas' attention when he was gone and I was filled with joy doing the simplest of things with him. She then shifted focus on the fact I climbed the stairs unassisted and was gushing about that.
We continued to talk, having missed each other today but she had, had a long day and eventually fell asleep. I didn't hang up wanting to wake up next to her in the morning to make up for not having spoken to her much today.
MK being away has made me realise how much I craved her presence. I longed for her when we were apart and nothing could compete with home much inner peace I felt in her presence. Even if we were just in the same building, knowing she was close was enough. I wanted nothing more than to tell her to come home, ask her for what we had back and be with her permanently but she needed to grow as an individual. She needed the proof that she can do life alone and still succeed and I couldn't take that away from her. I knew she was strong enough to do this. Without my support and Ashley's, but she needed to prove to herself that she could do it. So I sat silently on facetime whilst she slept half the world away from me counting down the hours until she was home.