February 11th 2023 - Brooklyn - Sage and Blue's Apartment
I got to the apartment expecting everyone to still be there but surprisingly it was just Sage on the sofa, he smiled at me which was unusual. "Wow, you actually listened," I said surprised as I dumped my stuff on the sofa. "You seemed... Off on the phone." He's not lost the ability to read me like a book. That comforted me, he was still in there. He was trying to get back to us. It gave me hope for the future. Not the immediate future but one day I believe I'd have my brother back, to tell all of my secrets too and to talk things through with, laugh with. "We need to talk." "Are you okay? Did one of Cyprus' boys bother you?" I shake my head. "No, it's much more serious than that," I admit sitting down on the sofa beside him. I sat cross-criss sideways so I was completely facing him. He adjusted his seating position to match mine, one of his legs dangling off the sofa.
"What's up Blue?" He asked softly, brushing my hair back. I flinched and his face fell as he remembered what went down between us. He had been so unpredictable I didn't know how to respond to the old him. "Mum and Dad know," I say, getting straight to the point. "Know?" He asked, wanting me to elaborate. "Pretty much everything... Dad asked about dental work and I was confused and slipped up. I'm sorry." "He knows I hit you?" He asked clarifying and I nodded. He stood up. "Where are you going?" "He's gonna kill me." "He won't... Just sit. We need to talk." I reached for his wrist and tugged it until he sat back down. He faced away from me this time.
"They want you to go to rehab..." I left it there and he tensed up, instinctively he reached for the half smoked joint that laid in the ashtray on the table. I put my hand on his arm stopping him. He wasn't exactly sober right now but this is the clearest his eyes had looked in months. I needed to have this conversation with my brother, not the monster he transforms into. "They found you a facility in The Hamptons." "Blue." "Please just listen to me." He sat back letting me continue, I could tell he had already checked out of the conversation just from looking at him. but he let me proceed anyway. "Mami and Papi, they said it's your choice if you go. It's ready for you. They'll pay for it, they'll drive you there, it's ready. But it's your choice." "I don't want to go." "If you don't go, Sage they're... They're cutting you off." He chewed his lip and silences descended upon us. I watched him in the silent moments between us. He was visibly on edge.
"I want you to get better, Sage. I want you to want to get better. But going to this place knowing you're not going to commit it's a waste of your time and their time. I want you to feel whole without the toxic things you pump into your body. I want my brother back who watches movies with me and makes fun of me when I cry at cartoons. I want my brother who I competed with my entire life for every athletic award. The brother who would automatically lay his legs over mine when we got into the car. The one who wipes my tears away and holds me when I'm sad or scared. I want you to feel better. I want you to feel strong enough to handle everything you've been running from," I explained to him. "It's not that easy, Blue." "I know... I know. I just want you to try." "I'm doing my best. It's easier this way." He reached for the joint and lit it.
"You should go... tell them I said bye," He told me with little emotion in his voice. It confuses me how quick he can switch between the man he was and the man he is. I hated it. I just wanted my brother back. "I'm not leaving you, Sage. You're my brother." I'm not abandoning him. He took a big breath as he turned to face me, lips wrapped around the thin stick in inbetween his fingers. And then he blew it in my face. He didn't say anything to me. He just watched me as I tried to avoid the puff of smoke surrounding me. I unfold my legs and walk away from him, willing myself not to let the tears fall. No one was here to wipe them away.
I close my bedroom door and slide down the back of it too exhausted to hold myself up any longer. I covered my mouth as the first round of sobs tried to escape. I felt completely betrayed by him. He doesn't have a clue what I'm risking. Our parents could easily cut me off too and I'd be all alone. He had me but it was clear I didn't have him. I'm not a priority to him anymore. I knew this already. I knew this when I came home and he wasn't in the hospital room. I had lost him to false highs.
I managed to gather the strength to crawl to my bed and wrap myself in my blankets just like I used to. Hiding away from the world in my protective layer of warm sheets. My phone kept buzzing in my back pocket eventually I took it out and checked it. Some were from my parents making sure I was okay and safe. A majority were from MK. She wanted to talk. I messaged my parents back... I wasn't ready to destroy that relationship just yet. I then turned my phone off leaving MK on read. I wasn't ready for that talk just yet either. I don't know when I will be. She betrayed my trust.
My tears didn't stop from the moment I entered my room until the second I fell asleep from pure exhaustion. I knew I'd wake up with puffy eyes and a sore throat from all the tears but I would face that issue tomorrow morning.
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MARY-KATE'S POV
February 11th 2023 - New York City - Ashley's House
After I spoke with Blue's parents and told them everything I knew I went to my sisters house. I texted her on my way over warning her of the emotional state I was in. I didn't just want to turn up and she was completely blindsided by my tears and anxiety.
I decided to tell Blue's parents everything, from Cyprus, to Blue going on drug drops, to Sage and her's arguments, Monday nights, Blue's jumpiness... I didn't know everything. I couldn't answer all their questions but I told them what I knew. They knew nothing... Other than Sage was using. They were completely in the dark and now I'm questioning how little I really know about Blue and Sage... If she could lie to her parents so well, how easily could she lie to me? I thought she was a bad liar but apparently she's not. It made me worry about her even more.
I had been trying to keep my tears at bay on the way to Ashley's because I didn't want pap photos being leaked and everyone speculating on my life. I just wanted my sister's comfort and for her to listen and rationalise everything. I needed to hear her side of it. I was Sage and Ashley was Blue. I needed to know what extent she would have gone to for me back then. I needed to know every thought. I needed to know if I needed to go over there and drag her out kicking and screaming just so I knew she was safe from herself and her environment.
Ashley opened the door to me and she looked concerned straight away. "Louis is out... Come in." She ushered closing the door behind me. I dumped my things by the door and walked straight through to the lounge, she followed behind me and sat close to me. "What's happened? Are you okay? Do you want me to call you a sponsor?" "No... I'm okay. It's just... I..." I could get the words out. Ash held my hands. "Hey, it's going to be okay, whatever it is. We're in this together." It was hard to feel alone with a twin. Your problems become their problems. "Now what's happened? You were at Blue's parents... Did something happen?" I nodded. "Sage?" I nodded again. "Okay, is Blue okay?" "I don't know." The tears started to fall and Ashley responded, pulling me into her chest. "What happened?" "Her dad knows everything... I told him and she's so mad at me," I told her pulling away. "What do you mean everything? I thought they knew he was using?" I felt guilty having kept things from my sister. "He hit her... I told their parents that he hit her." "That's the right thing to do." I shake my head. "No... She's never going to speak to me again. I could see the betrayal in her eyes when she looked at me. She hates me. I ruined everything." "You've probably protected her from so much MK." "No... She's not going to tell me anything again. She's going to be stuck there with him. Because she's never going to leave him." Ashley knew I was right, she didn't say anything for a few moments. "I fuck everything up." "No, no you don't." She tucked my hair behind my ears.
She talked me down, she answered my questions and I wanted nothing more than to go over to her and hold her. Ashley told me what it was like for her. How scared she was of losing me and of me. She told me how she'd wouldn't sleep to watch me breathe so she knew I hadn't overdosed. She told me just how far she was prepared to go to protect me, to show me I was loved. There was no boundaries she could set that would stay up. The second I needed her, the second I was home or in danger she was there. She explained what it was like being a twin to an addict... How hard it was on her mentally. I never physically hurt her though, Blue has that added fear. She would go to parties to find me and bring me home before I had the chance to go missing. She'd lie to our parents and little sister. She felt so alone and rejected because of me. It forced her to go to this dark place.
I felt so guilty after listening to her, I hated myself for it already, never mind knowing all this. "But none of that matters because I loved you... It was all worth it. I swear," She promised. "Blue loves Sage and she'll blindly protect him because of that love." "That's the problem. I want her to see what he's doing to her... She deserves more than this. She deserves to just live her life. She is so special. She's amazing. Talented, humble, loving, caring, attentive, empathetic, funny... She doesn't deserve any of this." "Oh baby," Ash said, stroking my cheeks ridding them of the cascading tears. "She'll see her worth one day. But for now you're doing the right thing. You're trying to keep her safe." "It's not enough." "Mary-Kate it is enough... You can't compromise your own mental health for someone elses." "Why not? She'd do it for me!" I was getting frustrated now, it wasn't as easy as she was making it out to be. "Because I won't let my sister get lost again. You're doing everything you can, you've been there for her. You can't do more than that. It's her choice... You can't expect her to leave her brother." I looked into her green orbs that held all the answers. She was always the wise one, she knew what to say and when to say it. She knew when to hold her tongue, when to offer a hug or give me space. "You're special too MK... You're doing the right thing." I nodded, Ashley hasn't lied to me. She wouldn't tell me I had done the right thing if I hadn't. So I let myself believe her, I put the regretful thoughts to bed and laid with my sister for the rest of the afternoon watching TV.
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Louis came home and he made us all dinner. I wasn't all that hungry, I was too anxious because Blue hasn't answered a single one of my messages and she normally messages me back right away. She hasn't even read them yet. I didn't know if she had gone home to her parents house where it was safe or gone to her apartment where she has to live in fear of her brother lashing out again.
He went to bed early, having a business trip tomorrow. Ashley stayed with me in the spear room. She played with my hair as we laid there talking. I wasn't fully focused on the conversation. I was more interested in watching my screen to see if Blue had at least seen my messages yet. "Are you listening to me?" "Sorry... Blue hasn't read my messages yet and I'm worried." I admit being honest with her. I rolled over to face her and she scanned me over before smiling slightly to offer me some sort of comfort. I offered a small tired smile back.
"Have you ever thought about why you care so much?" She asked me. "About Blue?" She nodded. "Because she's my friend?" "I know that... But you... I don't know." She shakes her head and rolls over to lay on her back looking up at the ceiling. I scanned her over trying to read her mind but I was mentally exhausted after all the crying and made up scenarios I've had on a loop today. "What?" I asked, urging her to finish her thought. "Just some of the things you say and do... It just makes me think that's all." "Think?" "Like... When you're in a meeting for example you move your chair until it's touching hers. You want to be around her." "Friends want to be around friends, Ash." "Okay, yeah but you get this goofy smile on your face when she uses her nicknames for you." "Because she's dumb... M-Dog seriously?" I smiled at the very thought of it. "But you like it... You blush. You enjoy the attention she gives you. You like when she teases you." "I find it amusing is all," I admit to her. "But you're so comfortable around her." "We're friends... It's good that I'm comfortable around her." She nodded. "Yeah it is your right." She was holding back. "What?" I pushed again. "You're like a magnet to her sometimes." "You think I'm too clingy." "No, no not like that. I just mean when you're in a room together... A busy crowded room, you gravitate to her...You're happy. You light up when you see her. You blush and... I guess I'm just reading too much into things." She shrugged, rolling over onto her side to face me once again.
"You got so jealous when she was giving Lizzie attention." "We went over this," I say, cutting her off. "I know, but have you thought why... Why were you so against Lizzie making friends with Blue? She is friends with a lot of your friends." "I was scared of being replaced," I say quietly, ashamed that I was jealous of my baby sister. "Why though? What makes Blue different from your other friends?" I shrugged. "She just is." "Because maybe you care about her just a little more than your other friends." I frowned. "No, we're friends... I just want to be there for her. She's been dealt a shit hand in life and I wanted to be one good thing that came out of it for her. Someone she can rely on, she can vent to, go to for comfort or for someone to cheer her up. I didn't want to be replaced because I knew she needed someone," I explained. Ashley nodded. "Like I said I was probably just thinking too much into things."
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February 12th 2023 - New York City - Studio 22
Blue came into work today, I was shocked to see her. I honestly thought she was going to quit with how mad she was at me but she was ignoring me instead. Not as her boss. She was listening to me when I asked her to do things, her opinion on other things. But when I asked to talk to her and it wasn't about work, or asked to get lunch together she simply walked away from me.
I wanted her to burst through my door and say "Got your lunch M-dog." But she didn't. Holly brought it in for me. I could hear Blue in Ashley's doorway talking to her. Her voice was more scratchy and deep than it typically was. I knew she had been crying alot for it to still have that effect on her. I wish she'd talk to me so we can work through this, so I can comfort her. Ashley said she felt alone, I didn't like the thought of Blue feeling alone in this. Her parents have made it very clear this is Sage's last chance. If I could predict his response to the rehab program I would assume he said he didn't want to go. Meaning she would have to choose between her parents and her brother, they're her priority in life everyone knew that. Family was so important to her.
In the meeting instead of sitting at the table like she typically would. She sat at the back against the wall where interns are meant to sit. Eric seemed happy with her new approach to meetings. I wasn't, I wanted her beside me. I wanted to make sure she had no fresh marks on her body, I wanted to make sure her hands weren't shaking. I wanted to try and engage with her. I so desperately wanted to fix things between us. I know she thinks I betrayed her trust and she'll probably never tell me anything again but I needed her to at least accept the fact I thought I was doing what was best for her.
At the end of the day, when it was just me and her in the offices like it normally was because neither one of us knew how to set boundaries between ourselves and work, I stood in my doorway and watched her work. She had her headphones on and she was in her own little world whilst she typed quickly on the computer probably finished the order for the fabrics. She seemed okay. She had on a black reconstructed suit, the blazer and the white shirt sewn together to make a top combining the two fabrics. Her talent always amazed me. I don't understand why she's not trying to just go out on her own. If she sent some of her work to a stylist they'd eat it up.
She must have felt eyes on her because she looked over to me, I smiled but her face was cast in stone. "Blue." "I've just submitted the order, they need confirming," She tells me, cutting me off before I had a chance to say anything. She was standing up and getting her things together quicker than ever. "Blue, please I just want to talk." "I don't," She said bluntly. "I'm sorry." "Me too. I should never have trusted you." "Blue, wait!" I rushed after her towards the stairs. Flashbacks from a few days ago infiltrated my mind, stopping me in my tracks at the door as she skipped steps easily to get away from me. I closed the door feeling completely stuck up here.
I was alone in a building I was chased in. I rushed to my office to get my phone and my things. I wanted to get out of here. I could hear footsteps as I approached the stairs door once again, it opened slowly. "I'll walk you out," She said softly, her brown eyes refusing to even look in my direction. She knew. No matter how mad she was at me, she came back for me. "Thank you." I walked behind her towards the elevators... She wanted the time we spent together to be as short as possible. We used to take the stairs so we could prolong our conversation before starting work or going our separate ways to go home.
We got outside Studio 22 and I turned to her, she was already walking off. "Blue, wait!" I called her and she did for a moment. I touched her arm and she turned to me. "Let me explain." "I can't... Not right now." "Blue," I sounded so desperate. "I need to get home to Sage." I felt defeated. The way she spoke to me with no emotion in her voice probably helped her mask the anger she felt towards me. "I need to explain," I told her, feeling the emotions of today bubbling to the surface. Her face softened slightly as my tears built up in my eyes. "I don't want to hear it right now." "Blue." "Please, Mary-Kate," She said, clearly she was growing tired of my begging. My hand slipped down her arm to her hand and I held it. "I told them because I thought it was what was best for you." "Mary-Kate... I'm not ready to hear it, okay. Please just leave me be... Get home safe." And she walked away, I watched her climb in a familiar car before it zoomed off down the street before it was caught in the city traffic.
I headed home and called Ashley to tell her what happened. She tried to be positive about it. "She came back for you." "She said not right now." "She's not ready just yet, that doesn't mean she won't be in a week from now." I wanted to be as positive as her about it but Blue was talking to her. She was still laughing with her. She didn't lose her. She didn't mess up because she was so perfect. She always did the right thing. She never hurt anyone. Or let them down. Everyone wins no matter what choice she was to make because she just knew how to do the right thing all the time.
I started to fiddle with my necklaces only to realise it wasn't mine. I held the dog-tags in my hand, losing focus on the conversation with Ashley. Which was now being dealt by the subconscious part of my brain whilst all my concentration was fixated on the silver tags in my hand. My finger ran over the markings. Sinclair. Sofia, B. followed by an identification code of some sort. She gave me this, she trusted me enough to wear them. She trusted me enough not to ask for them right back. It relit the hope I had that she might come around one day and talk to me again. The selfish part of me decided I wasn't going to offer them back to her either, I wasn't taking them off until she asked. It would cause her to talk to me at some point. If she wanted our friendship to resume back to a professional one she'd have to ask me for these back first. Maybe then I could explain why I did what I did.
For the remainder of the conversation with Ashley I played with the two tags on the silver chain that hung around my neck. I think back to that night. Her promise to come out. How brave she was and protected me without hesitation. It made me question how she could ever think the accident was her fault. She'd put her life on the line for anyone she cared about in a heartbeat. I was lucky enough to be one of those people... Or used to be at least.
Eventually Ashley and I hung up and I started to get ready for bed. I sent Blue another text... She had left the rest of them on read. I just thanked her for walking me out. I also asked if she got home okay... I knew I'd been ignored but I was trying. I was hoping I'd annoy her enough to the point where she'd reply to me. Here's to hoping anyway.
I climbed into bed and laid with my phone on my chest in case Blue replied. I played with her dog tags until I fell asleep. They brought me some comfort. I don't know why but it calmed me. I knew these little metal things were a reason she'd have to talk to me. She also gave them to me. She wanted me to have them, they were a part of her and it was a nice gesture.