Then
1996
Dear Diary,
Today we moved into our new home in Halton. The area is small, quaint and quiet, very quiet. There are a lot of elderly people here, a lot of people who seem to be used to the same routines in their everyday life. I already miss living in London but mum says this is good for us, to be away from the drama, to be away from dad.
Our house isn't very big like our old one. I now have to share a bedroom with Delilah but it's okay, I'll be shipped off to boarding school by the time summer ends and then I'll have my own rooms in the dorms. The boarding school is a three hour drive from Halton and mum says I'll enjoy it since she went to the same school when she was my age. I think she's only saying that to make me feel better, who enjoys living at school?
I'm nervous and excited and sad and happy and it's too much all at once so I just feel depressed. I feel like my life is a snow globe and someone has turned it upside down, small specks of glitter falling around me - it seems like a good thing but the reality is you have to clean it all up again and still deal with it weeks later, finding it in places you didn't think it would be.
I miss my dog. I never got to say goodbye to him.
Dad cried when we left. I've never seen him cry before. He told me it wasn't goodbye, it was a see you later but mum always says dad is a good liar. He wasn't that time though, maybe it was because he was crying and dad never cries.
Dear Diary,
Today I moved into my dorm at Southend Park School. Mum was annoyed because we had to wake up before seven o'clock to pack the car and drive me down. I don't know why she was annoyed, she's the one who's sending me here and Delilah will arrive here next year. To be honest, I think she's met someone, I don't know how she could move on from dad so quickly and it makes me wonder whether she truly loved him at all.
I'm in a dorm with five other girls. I've spoken the most with a girl in the room next to me, Ellis. She's fourteen and the rest of us are thirteen but that's only because she was born on the 1st of September and today is the third.
I'm scared to be by myself but it's nothing I'm not used to. Delilah always had a lot more friends than me, Dad was always at work and mum was out socialising.
Mum cried when we finished unpacking, she told me she'd be back to pick me up when half term arrives and I can come home at any time. I don't want to go home though, I hate it there.
Tomorrow we have a full day of inductions and I'm worried about making friends. Southend Park is for both boys and girls and I'm not as talkative when boys are around. I don't want to be known as a loner on my first day of school but I'd rather have no friends at all than pretend to be someone I'm not.
I feel like I'm still picking up the glitter from months ago. I wonder when it will end.
Dear Diary,
I made two friends. You'll never guess... They're boys.
They're both older than me but still thirteen like me. They live in the same dorm and even invited me over this weekend. Their names are Harry and Dylan.
I met them whilst eating lunch by myself around the courtyard area. Dylan was the first one to come up to me and Harry followed after. Dylan was very talkative and made a lot of jokes, he has blonde hair and a small scar on his eyebrow which he explained he got whilst climbing trees back at his home in Morston. Harry was a lot quieter. I caught him glancing at me at one point and when I made eye contact with him, he blushed and looked down at his extra polished school shoes. His hair is very curly and I had an urge to touch it but I didn't because... that would have been weird.
We didn't speak much until the end of the day when I saw them on the way back to my dorm from my tutor group. We compared time tables and we share four of the same classes, Harry and I share the same English Literature class though.
I never thought I'd be friends with boys but I like it. It's different from being friends with girls, I feel less pressure to be outgoing and girly. I hope we continue to be friends. I like them a lot.
Now
2000
"Hey Harry," Y/N ran across the field over to where Harry was waiting by the headmaster's office, sending a message on his Nokia flip phone.
Harry looked up from his phone and waved her over, classes had only just finished so they were still both in their school uniform. "Hey baby." He kissed her on the lips and wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her in tighter. He loved the way she fit so perfectly against him.
"What's going on? Aren't we meeting Dylan to go to Ellis' dorm?" She frowned, looking behind her boyfriend to see if her other best friend was somewhere behind him.
Harry shook his head, a wry smile on his face, "We are meeting Dylan but he got caught passing notes to Casey Becker in geometry and now he's got thirty minutes in the headmaster's office to pay up."
Y/N chuckles, "Again? He's going to get kicked out of the school if he's not careful." She wrapped her arms around his torso, warming her hands under his blazer.
Harry brushed away a strand of her hair and rubbed his thumb across her cheekbone, "How was your day?" He murmured, his lips ghosting hers.
"It was fine. I scored three points in netball and Tessa Riley was glaring at me in the changing rooms." She giggles, a proud smile forming on Harry's face.
"That's m'girl." He leans down and kisses her forehead.
"Oh please, don't make me sick." A familiar voice speaks, breaking the loved-up couple apart.
"Hi Dylan," Y/N turns, leaning against Harry's front and crossing her arms.
"Hello my darling Y/N." He said, walking down the stone steps, his blazer over his shoulder as he pulled out a cigarette from his back pocket.
"Seriously Dylan? You're that desperate for another detention?" Harry says.
"Don't you smoke Styles? Besides Mary would love to be in my presence again, especially after the last thirty minutes." He wipes the corner of his mouth with his thumb and smirks but Y/N rolls her eyes and stands straight. She was used to his antics and had been for the last four and a half years.
Y/N, Harry and Dylan had been inseparable from the day they met at Southend Park Boarding School for boys and girls. Although different in character, the three of them never failed to be there for each other, celebrating all the highs and lows together as though they were their own family unit.
Dylan was the loudest of the group, opinionated and constantly getting into trouble with the school but never failing to keep Y/N and Harry on their toes as they traveled around campus picking him up from whatever classroom he had managed to get detention from. He was the eldest of the three and started smoking at the age of fifteen which got every girl at the school practically begging for a chance to be near him.
Harry was the smartest out of the three. Dylan liked to call him a teacher's pet since every teacher at the school loved him for his good behavior and high grades. He was a student ambassador and captain of the football team which by proxy made him the most popular boy in school.
Y/N was the quietest in the group, never one to put the spotlight on herself for fear of being judged by other people. She had a few other friends whom she shared a dorm with and also volunteered to work at the school library on Tuesday afternoons. Harry and Dylan were very protective of Y/N and she felt extremely lucky to have them, she had never had people in her life who cared for her as much as they did.
They walked out of the school gates, and over to the housing blocks. Harry was holding Y/N's hand whilst using the other to carry her backpack on his shoulder. Dylan was typing something into his phone, an unlit cigarette between his teeth.
"Ellis doesn't want you bringing anything to the party this time Dylan." Y/N warns, "You know what happened last time, if you do it again, you'll get kicked out of the school."
"My darling Y/N," He begins, thinking for a second, "Only for you." Y/N rolls her eyes and bites back a smile.
They reach her dorm room and Y/N kisses Harry on the cheek, taking her bag off of his shoulder, "I'll see you both later?" She beams, reaching out for the door handle.
Dylan salutes her but doesn't look up from his phone and Harry smiles, "I love you." He says.
"I love you too Harry," She says.
Harry and Dylan walk over to their dorm in silence. Dylan was no longer on his phone and Harry could find nothing in himself to make conversation. "We're going to have to tell her at some point," Dylan murmurs, a light flickering as the sun began to set.
Harry's heart pounds in his chest, "No we don't."
"Harry-"
"Shut up Dylan, nothing happened." He bites back before Dylan even has the chance to get his words out.
They stared each other down, Harry's anger radiating off him whilst a deep sense of sadness filled Dylan's insides. He had never been so weighted down by something before and to think it was his best friend who had made this happen.
"I love her. I won't ever love anyone else as much as I love Y/N." Harry twists on his heels and stomps into their dormitory, leaving Dylan stranded on the pavement with a terrible ache in his chest.
Then
1998
Dear Diary,
It's been a month since my fifteenth birthday and Harry has finally asked me out on a date. I feel like I'm dreaming, it's the only way I can describe it. Like I'm dreaming and one day I'll wake up and everything will be as if it never happened.
I think I'm already in love with him to be completely honest. He's always been much kinder to me than Dylan has. He carries my bag to classes sometimes especially when I have netball and have to carry an extra case. Sometimes I would catch him staring at me during English literature or he would brush his thumb against my hand in art class as he taught me how to use watercolour paints for the first time.
I care so much for him, I think I would die if I didn't have him near me. Is that dramatic? I can't help it if it's true. Sometimes I'll be talking to Ellis during lunch or before bed but then all I can think about is Harry, his smile, his teeth, his eyes, his ears, the way he laughs even though I'm not funny, the way he hugs me differently to the way he hugs everyone else.
It feels weird to be fifteen and falling in love, I almost feel stupid. What fifteen year old knows what true love feels like? What fifteen year old falls in love this young? How much further can I fall?
I think I'm going to love him forever.
I hope he loves me forever too.
Dear Diary,
Harry kissed me today. I had my first kiss and it was with the boy I loved the most in the entire world.
I knew it was going to happen. We had finished eating dinner in the dining hall and he asked if I wanted to go on a walk with him through the gardens. Dylan wanted to come too but Harry shrugged him off and told him he wanted it to be just the two of us.
I felt slightly guilty when I looked over my shoulder as we walked out of the dining hall and saw Dylan looking sad, the whole time he was looking at Harry even as we walked past the window to the gardens.
He bought me over to see the tulips because he knew they were my favourite flower. He said my braid looked very pretty today and that was when I knew I truly loved him diary, because it was the worst braid I had ever done and he still said it was pretty.
We sat down on a swinging bench and listened to the birds flying back to their nests. He said my name and my name had never felt so magical coming from someone else's lips. I turned around and he leaned forward and kissed me.
It was like a scene from a movie.
I could have kissed him for hours and hours. No one ever tells you what it's like to kiss somebody, to breathe the same air and close your eyes for just a second and be transported to a place so tender and consuming you almost question whether you've been truly loved before.
The only reason we stopped kissing was because we heard something rustling in the bushes, we both searched around but couldn't find anything. Harry thought it would be best if we walked together back to my dorm room and then he kissed me again right outside the door.
I was in a daze for the rest of the night. I floated around the room, humming to myself as I got ready for bed.
But when I think back to the moment we kissed, in the corner of my eye I could have sworn I saw tufts of blonde hair sticking out from a bush.
Now
2000
Y/N was sitting in front of the mirror on Ellis' floor, putting mascara on her eyelashes with Fiona Apple playing in the background. Ellis was painting her nails a dark red as she spoke to Y/N, "I'm just saying, you and Harry have been dating for two years and you haven't done the deed yet?"
Y/N didn't like talking about sex or anything of the sort with anyone other than Harry, even then, it was difficult for her. Maybe it was because she knew nothing about it or there was never a space for her to ask about it with anyone but she hated any time it was bought up in conversation or games of truth or dare.
"We're waiting for the right time," Y/N responds, her voice almost robotic as she gave the same answer.
"The right time? I've never seen a couple more in love, it makes me want to vomit."
"I don't know, we've done things but not... that." She thinks about it, there had been many times she had wanted to go a step further with Harry but he had always stopped it before it got to another base. Sometimes it made her feel like she wasn't good enough or pretty enough, but then he would make sure she knew just how beautiful she was by kissing her lips and stroking her skin.
"Is Harry religious?" Ellis asks.
"No, I don't think so." Y/N frowns, "He's never spoken about it before."
"Hmm, maybe he's one of those people who are waiting until marriage."
Y/N thinks about marrying Harry. It had been a dream since they first kissed in the gardens, she had always pictured herself in a white wedding gown, walking down the aisle as Harry stood on the other end wearing a suit and tie. Maybe he'd be crying, maybe they'd both be crying.
"I don't mind, I love him enough to wait for him, as long as he needs I'll be there for him," Y/N says and there was truth in every word she spoke.
"You can't be saying shit like that when I haven't had a drop of alcohol." Ellis walks over to her bedside table and pulls out a bottle of vodka, pouring it into a shot glass and throwing it back all in one go. "Okay continue."
Y/N giggles and turns back to doing her makeup, humming Queen's Love of My Life as her mind fogged with the thought of Harry.
Then
1998
Dear Harry,
Today we went to the beach. The three of us. Me and you and Y/N. I know it's normally you, Y/N then me in most situations but in these letters, it will always be me and you.
We had been planning this day to the beach for weeks. It's a three-hour drive to the coast from school and Y/N has been complaining about the journey for weeks but I don't know why. Is it wrong of me to want to sit next to you on a bus full of people not one of them knowing who we are for three whole hours? Our knees touching for three whole hours? Sand on your feet and your hair salty from the sea, inhaling your scent and wanting your hand to touch my thigh for three whole hours?
The weather was rather bleak this morning but it cleared up soon enough, the sun shining down on us, your skin glistening and your eyes the colour of sea glass. I wanted to look into those eyes and lose myself in them but I couldn't because you were looking at Y/N.
I tried to catch your attention as we stood at the bus stop, touching your shoulder as I tried to get past you or pretending I was going to grab the beach bag at the exact same time as you just so I could touch your hand but you were too busy staring at her and I was too busy staring at you.
When I saw you kiss her in the gardens I think a piece of me died that day. All this time I had been pining over you, trying to get you to see me but it was for nothing. I felt stupid, I ran for miles and miles the wind whispering in my ear 'you fool, you idiot, how could he ever love you?'
I didn't want to be this way Harry. I always planned on keeping it hidden because I never thought I would have the ability to desire a man until I met you for the first time and everything I wanted to keep hidden was suddenly unleashed.
Y/N accidentally stepped into the road thinking it was the bus but it was a van. You reached for her, I watched the fear flash across your face as the car swerved around her. You yelled at her and she cried but then you comforted her, wrapping your arms around her and kissing her face.
I stood there watching, feeling guilt and shame at the thought that had flashed across my mind as I watched your hand touch hers. I still feel ashamed for even thinking it but for a brief second, I wanted her to get hit by that van Harry, I so desperately wanted her to hurt the way I do every day and worst of all I wanted to be the one to comfort you, I wanted to be the one you turned to, I wanted to be wanted by you.
I feel terrible. I love Y/N I truly do but most of the time I hate her and I only hate her because she has you.
We arrived at the beach at 13:00 in the afternoon. The three of us ran down to the sea, sweat clinging to our skin from the bus journey. We removed our clothes as we ran, dropping everything behind us and laughing loudly. For a moment we were just children, just three best friends running into the sea, leaving all our troubles on the sand.
You swung Y/N over your shoulder and I couldn't help but admire the muscles in your abdomen, the way they flexed as you held her. You were a piece of art, something to be held up in a museum and I was an admirer, filled with longing to be filled by the feelings your art beheld.
My favourite moment from the entire trip was something I will treasure for the rest of my life. Y/N went to get ice creams, I knew you wanted mint choc chip before you even said it, I felt smug when Y/N looked surprised at your choice but that quickly went away when she said it was her favourite too.
As she went to get the ice creams, I felt a cramp in my shoulder. "Let me," Your voice rumbled and I turned around, your fingertips ghosting over my shoulder before you pressed your hand into the tight muscle. I could feel you breathing against my neck the entire time, I felt as though I could turn my neck a small degree and kiss you.
I'll never forget it Harry. I'll never forget that moment for as long as I live. Even if you do.
Now
2000
Dylan and Harry were preparing for the party although it was probably more Harry than Dylan. He was standing in front of the mirror gelling his hair back, an anxious look on his face. "I think I'm going to do it." Harry turned to face Dylan, "I'm going to go all the way with Y/N."
Dylan felt his heart leave his body but he pretended to look unphased as he lit a cigarette and sat on the window ledge to smoke out the window, "Really? Are you sure that's a good idea?" He didn't mean for it to come out the way it did but he sounded irritated, he sounded jealous.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Harry's eyes narrowed.
"I'm just saying are you sure it's a good idea to sleep with her after what happened?" Dylan knew it was wrong for him to bring it up but he was sick of avoiding the conversation and pretending it never happened.
"Nothing happened. It was a mistake." He could hear the anger beginning to stir in Harry's voice.
"You keep saying that like you're trying to gaslight me into thinking I imagined the whole thing." Dylan walked up to him, "I think I've imagined the thought of kissing you enough times to know what's real and what's not."
Harry gulped, his jaw tense, "I was tired and you took advantage of me."
Dylan tried to ignore the sting, "Don't try that with me, Harry, it might work on Y/N in your petty arguments but it won't work on me. Don't try and twist the truth to fit your narrative."
"I don't care what you think works and doesn't work Dylan, I only care about Y/N and if you have a problem with that then maybe you need to step away from the both of us. Step away from me."
"Is that what you want? You want me to walk away from the only two people who have ever cared about me? You want me to walk away from you?" Dylan wasn't quite sure he was hearing him correctly. Harry knew the life he had back at his home, his parents wanted nothing to do with him that's why they had sent him to Southend Park in the first place.
Harry hesitated, "I don't know what you think you're doing but you know how I feel for Y/N. I love her, I am in love with her and even if I felt a fraction of that for you it would never outweigh the way I feel for her."
"You're lying." Dylan said, his eyes glassy, "If you loved her so much you would never have kissed me in the first place-"
"You know nothing Dylan! You don't know anything!" Harry shouts, he had never shouted at anyone before in his life. "Do you know what would happen to us if someone found out? What it would do to Y/N? What it would do to the three of us? I felt nothing, it was a mistake and never should have happened."
"Harry-"
"No. You want to talk about it then fine but this is the last thing I'll say: Whatever feelings you have, whatever intentions or moves you plan on making, you have to get over them-"
"I don't think that's as easy as you think I-"
"You have to." Harry said in a way so demanding, Dylan was prepared to get on his knees and do it because at the end of the day he would do anything he said, he would lay down his life for him if he wanted him to.
Harry left the room. He took Dylan's soul with him.
Then
1999
Dear Harry,
We were assigned as partners in media and now we have to make a music video. You've already asked Y/N if she'd want to be in it. You told her she was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen and she would be perfect for it. She blushed and of course said yes, and then you kissed her for so long and I just stared, imagining myself in her place and what it would be like to kiss you in public. I don't think I'd ever stop kissing you if that were allowed.
Today we're shooting the music video. You wanted it to be a coming of age and I, albeit wanted to create an abstract story, agreed and nodded enthusiastically at every good and bad idea you had.
We filmed in the gardens and I hated it. It was my least favourite place in the whole school because it's where you kissed Y/N for the first time. If I could erase that night from my brain I would do it in a heartbeat.
It was sunny and you were whispering into Y/N's ear as I set up the camera. I tried to block out the sounds of your laughter and. Y/N touching your shoulder. "Are we ready?" I spoke, and you straightened yourself up.
"Dylan why don't you come be in the video with me?" Y/N smiled and I couldn't help but smile with her. She was like that, the type of person who radiated sunshine and moonbeams came out of her chest. It makes me wonder that if I were into the opposite sex this would be an entirely different situation.
"My darling, you know I'm not nearly as perfect as you." I teased and you watched as she blushed the same way she always did when anyone gave her a compliment.
I'm not sure how the term 'my darling' came about when it came to addressing our friend. I think the first time I called her that I watched the jealousy flash across your face. I liked that though, the visible reaction from you when I did something, despite it being negative. You're unphased by the nickname now but I still watch your eyes glint with something when I say it.
We filmed the music video all day. You rewarded Y/N with a kiss each time she did something so perfectly. I was doing a good job too Harry, shouldn't I have been rewarded in some way?
Y/N had to go work in the library in the evening, leaving just the two of us. You wanted to get some good recordings of the evening so we waited for the sun to set.
"My mother wants me to go into politics but I'd love to do this, be a director." You told me, "I've always wanted to be an artist of some kind, it's a silly dream but I think about it a lot."
I could imagine it. You directing people. You always had the level of authority with people but not in a big-headed, obnoxious type of way, more so in a caring way, you cared for the people, the art, you care so much Harry it will more than likely be the end of you some day.
"It's not silly." We sit with our legs crossed over the other in front of us, looking out at the skyline on the field. "It's never silly to have dreams about things in life. My God, we only live once, might as well do everything we can to feel something in the little time we have."
You looked at me then, really looked at me. It was the first time in my life that I thought you were feeling a spec of the same thing I felt every day. "I've never told anyone that before. Not even Y/N knows."
"It'll be our secret." I whispered to you and I could have sworn I caught you glancing down at my lips.
You exhaled a shaky breath and then quickly diverted the topic by grabbing the camera and filming me laying on the grass. "Looks like Y/N isn't the only model anymore." You teased. I tried to shake you away like I wasn't enjoying seeing you giddy with mischief but the truth was I would have rolled around in the grass for hours just to see your face light up in the dark.
It makes me wonder, do you know how much power you have over your friends Harry? Do you know that you have two people who worship the ground you walk on? How does it feel to be desired? How does it feel to have a choice in who you love?
Now
2000
"You're here!" Y/N beamed, leaping into Harry's arms and wrapping her arms around his neck.
"Hey baby," He kissed her temple and placed her on the ground.
The party was well underway, many students from across campus had arrived and it was already pretty rowdy despite it only being nine-thirty at night.
"Hi Dylan, you're dressed pretty smartly. Planning on impressing anyone tonight?" Y/N hugs him tightly.
"Only you darling." He winked, ignoring the poignant pain in his chest from his argument with Harry earlier. It wasn't really an argument though, more like him standing whilst Harry yelled at him.
"Have you already gotten a drink?" Harry looked at the cup in Y/N's hand and checked to see how much she had drunk already. He didn't want her to be anywhere near drunk tonight because he still planned on making love to her despite his argument from earlier.
"It's water." She whispers, she wasn't much of a drinker and he knew that.
"You look so pretty." He marvels at the dress she wore for him. He knew it was for him because ever since he said it was her favourite, she wore it on special occasions. As he looked at her doe eyes looking lovingly back at him, a tinge of guilt pinched at him.
"Come dance with me," She leads him into the living area, "Both of you come dance with me, my boys." She grins, cheekily.
Harry and Dylan followed her out to the dance floor and 'Love My Way' began to play over the stereo. Y/N danced in between them and Harry danced with her, Dylan on the other side. Despite the small girl dancing between them, they couldn't keep their eyes off each other. Dylan was in awe of the way Harry moved so freely with the music that he replicated his actions, dancing freely to the music with him. It was like they had joined together, becoming the same being without even touching each other.
Harry laughed when Dylan moved towards him and for a moment they had forgotten everything around them. Dylan was just Dylan and Harry was just Harry, two boys who felt something they weren't allowed to feel in the eyes of everyone else.
Harry was so close, their faces almost touching and for a moment Dylan thought they might kiss. But the blissful moment was broken as Harry stepped away, shaking his head, "N-No." He whispered, "No, No, No." He shook his head, his eyes frantic in search of Y/N.
"O-Oh, Harry," Y/N yelped as he grabbed hold of her hand and lead her out of Ellis' dorm and over to her own, three doors down from where the party was happening.
"What are you doing? Are you okay?" She cups his face in her hands and he exhales, trying to regain composure. This was the girl he loved, the only girl he could ever love and being in her hands felt like home. Didn't it?
"Y-Y/N, I-I think I'm ready." He presses his forehead against hers, kissing her bottom lip. "I'm ready."
Her lips part in shock. She hadn't been expecting this tonight and she wasn't sure where Harry's sudden desperation was coming from. He kissed down her neck as she tried to speak to him, "H-Harry, a-are you sure?" He nodded, his mouth leaving open mouthed kisses on her shoulder.
"I love you Y/N." He looked into her eyes and she saw the sincerity behind them but also a hint of something else that she couldn't quite place.
He started to peel her clothing off, his fingertips gently brushing against her soft skin. She tried to steady her breathing but her chest caved in and out as the oxygen in the room seemed to be escaping as he moved down her body. "Harry," She whispered and he could hear the desperation in her voice. She reached for his hand and intertwined their fingers together.
Y/N was stripped down to her bra and underwear. This was the most skin she had revealed to anybody but she trusted Harry with everything in her, he was her best friend. He blew warm air over the thin material of her bra and her nipples hardened, an overwhelming sense of desire and lust flooding her insides. It was so new and overwhelming, her hands shaking as she ran her fingers through his hair and tugged on the roots.
"Baby," He whispered, his hands cupping her thighs as he pressed kisses down her body.
"Harry, wait." She murmured, his eyes looking up from where he was laying between her legs, "You're still dressed." She sat up and tugged on the hem of his sweater.
He laughed softly, as she struggled to pull the sweater over his head. She marvelled at the sound and kissed the tip of his nose. He pulled her onto his lap and she grinded her hips against his, "God look at you." He whispered. "Don't leave me Y/N. You can never leave me."
"I'm never going to." She said it like it was a promise.
His hands hooked the straps of her bra and he gently pulled them down, her breath hitching as the pad of his thumb brushed against the side of her breast. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him in tightly, his face burying into the crook of her neck as he inhaled her.
This was going to be perfect, she thought, nothing could go wrong.
She ground her hips against him again, a groan eliciting from his lip and a name escaping past the lips he had kissed her with so many times.
"Dylan."
Y/N's blood ran cold and Harry froze.
"What did you say?" She pulled away, suddenly being naked in front of him didn't feel right, being in a space alone with him didn't feel right, everything she had ever felt for him before this moment didn't feel right.
"Y/N," He reached for her but she slipped away from him, slipped out of his touch, a touch she begged for just moments ago.
Harry's heart no longer existed, wherever it was it had abandoned him and left him here in this terrible moment to fend for himself. He felt his eyes well up with tears as he watched Y/N try to pick up her discarded clothes. This wasn't how it was meant to be, she was supposed to be picking up his clothes after a night of making love to each other.
"Y-You said his name." Y/N whimpered, she was panicking and Harry could do nothing but watch.
"Baby I-"
"NO." She spat, "You don't get to call me that. Not anymore."
Harry watched as she turned around and clutched at her head, her knees buckling as she fell to the ground. She sobbed and sobbed, his heart wrenching at the sound of it. He had never heard a sound so painful in his life and he wanted to die in this very moment.
"No, No, No, No." She sobbed, her shoulders shaking.
"Y/N please just let me explain." Harry tried, crouching down in front of her and trying to place a hand on her now clothed shoulder.
"NO." She pushed him away and leaped back, her back hitting the wall.
Harry was broken. He was truly broken. This was something well out of his reach in fixing and nothing he could do or say could make up for the fact that he had hurt the two people he loved and cherished the most in this world, in the span of one night.
"Get out of my room!" She began to scream, "Get out of here!"
A voice called from behind the door and Harry's face dropped, "Hey you guys in there?" Dylan's muffled voice spoke through the door and the door creaked open.
"Dylan..." Harry stood to get him out of the room but Y/N stood and tried to reach for Dylan, to do what she didn't know but pure anger had overtaken any amount of happiness she had felt before.
Harry grabbed her before she got the chance to reach him. She kicked and screamed and threw punches at Harry's chest, falling against it and pounding her fist against his heart. "I'm broken." She whimpers. "You broke me."
Harry wasn't sure whether he was allowing Y/N to punch him to make her feel better or doing everything he could to protect Dylan.
Then
2000
Dear Diary,
You know those secrets in life so big that you can't tell anybody about them so you promise yourself you won't ever tell a soul about them for as long as you live? Secrets that in the beginning swallow you whole but as time goes on they begin to just become a part of you that you don't really think about unless someone says or does something to trigger it.
Well today I have made one of those secrets.
It was a Tuesday and on Tuesday's I volunteer at the library after school. There's something very serene about being the only person allowed to walk around the school when no one else is around, it makes a difference as opposed to the hustle and bustle of the school hallways when the bell rings in between periods.
Mrs Ableton asked me to deliver a stack of new books to the English Literature cupboard where all our set books go for the school year. Our copies of Catcher in the Rye were practically torn at the seams so we had to order new ones.
I walked through the hallway and caught movements in the corner of my eye as I made my way past the classroom where Harry and I had English Literature together. I gasped, almost dropping the books in my hands when I saw Harry and Dylan together.
Harry was leaning against the desk and Dylan was standing in front of him. I planned to make myself known to them, smiling as I reached for the door handle but then Dylan took a step forward, touched Harry's hand and kissed him.
I watched them kiss.
I felt myself slip outside of myself and I couldn't seem to move my body as I stood watching them.
The same lips that kissed mine were now kissing the lips of my best friend.
I wanted to cry but I think I was too shocked to do anything but stare. My mind was whirring and a piece of me hoped this was some terrible nightmare that I would soon wake up from and Harry wouldn't be here but in his room and I could call him and explain and he'd laugh and tell me how silly I was.
Harry pushed Dylan away and I considered the idea that maybe he didn't want it to happen and it was Dylan who initiated it. For a brief second, I felt relief but as Dylan stepped away Harry grabbed his arm and kissed him again.
That time I couldn't watch.
I stepped away and finally I began to cry. I covered my mouth and tried to find a place where I could cry a little louder because this was not something I could cry silently about. I needed a place to scream.
Harry was mine.
But he was also Dylan's.
I forget sometimes that that is nothing new.
Before I went to bed, I had it all mapped out that I would confront them about it and tell them that I saw what happened and there was no point in hiding it but it would be nice if we could pretend it never happened and move on.
But I didn't want to bring it up. Bringing it up meant speaking about it more and more and more and remembering it over and over and over. I didn't want to speak about it or remember it.
I wanted Harry.
So, this is a secret I will keep to my last dying day. I will never tell a soul I watched as Harry kissed Dylan in a way he never kissed me.
Even if it breaks me.
Now
2000
"What happened?" Dylan asks. They were back at his dorm now and Harry was pacing the room.
"She knows." Harry pulls on his hair, something he always did when he was angry or upset. "She knows about us, what we did."
Dylan fell on the bed in disbelief, "How?" He murmurs.
Harry halts his pacing and looks at Dylan in shame, "I said your name."
Dylan's shoulders drop and he buries his face into his hands, shaking his head as he tries to push away the images of a broken Y/N on the floor of her bedroom, begging her two best friends to fix her even though they were the ones to break her in the first place.
"It's fine, I-I'll give her some time, however long she needs, a-and then I-I'll explain. I-I'll explain it was just a misunderstanding." He rambles and Dylan stands, reaching his hand and holding it in his.
"Harry," He says, softly, "I don't think there is enough time in the world for Y/N to get over this."
Harry breaks into a sob and he wraps his arms around Dylan who runs his fingers through his hair and rests his cheek on his shoulder as he sobs into his neck. "It's okay love." He whispers, "Everything will be alright."
"I hurt her so bad Dylan. I love her and I hurt her." Harry cried.
"She was always going to find out." Dylan says, truthfully.
"It was never meant to be like this."
"Why do you speak so much of how things are meant to be? You act as if you've had your life mapped out by the time you left the womb. Was it meant to be that the three of us became the greatest of friends? That you fell in love with the both of us because you care so deeply? That I fell in love with you because you see art in the mundane? Does it make you happy this life you are living, shunning out the life you could have if it weren't for the way things are 'meant to be'? We don't go into things knowing what's going to happen love, if we did life would be awfully boring. Nothing in this world was meant to be, it just happens and then we deal with the consequences."
"You don't understand Dylan, if my parents found out, if Y/N leaves, it'll be over for me." He whimpers.
"I'll love you through it all Harry, you understand that right? I don't care what anyone has to say but I'm tired of hiding it. I'm here now and I won't ever leave and whatever happens with the three of us, we'll get through it together." Dylan knew it was wrong but Harry needed someone and he had always wanted to be needed by him.
"You still love me even though I hurt you? I pushed you away?" Harry looks up at him and Dylan pushed back his hair, feeling the wetness of his cheeks.
"I love you despite everything." Dylan smiles, his eyes glassy.
Harry's lips ghosted against Dylan's, he felt alive in this moment like all his worries had gone out of the window, "Oh Dylan, Dylan, Dylan." Harry whispers over and over again like his name was something he needed to erase the pain he was in.
"You can say my name as many times as you want love, I'll always be right here." Dylan said.
"I'm afraid Dylan,"
"Me too but I'll always be two steps ahead of you love, just in case."
xxxx
Three weeks passed and the friends were no longer talking to each other, instead they acted as though they didn't know each other as they passed each other in the hallway.
Harry had to try and not flinch when he saw Y/N scurry past him, her eyes red and bloodshot as Ellis comforted her, glaring at Harry as they did. He wanted to speak to her but he was never given the chance to, rightly so considering what he had done to her.
Dylan and Harry, mostly Harry, thought it would best to keep their distance for a while. It killed them both to not be around each other but for the sake of their friendship with Y/N, they shared small moments of brief eye contact and touches throughout the day. Neither of them knew what was to come for the both of them but this limbo was enough for now.
Dylan ate lunch alone and as he did, he listened to the conversations of everyone around him. He wondered what it felt like for them to go about their day feeling like they belong in their own skin and not feel ashamed over who they love. He had never felt so alienated and so out of touch with himself.
He had been given an after school detention for an hour with Mr Henley after calling him sexist in front of the class. No one was around when he left the classroom until he saw a group of girls walking across the field.
At the end of the line was Y/N, wearing her netball uniform.
She must have caught sight of him because the next thing he knew, she was walking up to him. He had to check behind him to see he was seeing correctly.
"Hi Dylan," She keeps her distance for reasons known to him but being in the same vicinity as her again made him relax, he missed the friendship he shared right at the very beginning when they were thirteen and picking each other up from class to go to the sweet shop after school.
"Hey Y/N." He offers her a smile.
"How are you doing?" He didn't miss the way she gripped her bag like she was trying to stop herself from saying anything she really wanted to.
"I feel like I should be asking you that."
Y/N huffs, "I've had better days."
"Y/N-"
"Just tell me this," She starts, "H-How long?"
Dylan decided he would be as honest and as straight to the point as he could be, it was what she deserved at least.
"Y/N the only thing we did was kiss one time. Harry stopped it because he's in love with you."
"And you're in love with him."
"Y-Yes."
Y/N laughs incredulously, "We could never just be three best friends, could we? It was always going to be complicated."
"We could still be best friends Y/N."
"But it's not the same now is it?" She bit back and Dylan realised he needed to be careful with what he said. "Is he sad?"
"Terribly. Sometimes I hear him crying in his room at night."
A silence fell between them which was strange. Y/N and Dylan have always had a brother-sister relationship, Dylan was always one to tease Y/N and make her laugh but right now it seemed all he was doing was making her upset.
"I'm moving schools." Y/N confessed, "At the end of the term I'm moving to Bridgewater. Mum's moving in with her fiancee and she wants me to be closer."
"When were you going to tell us?" Dylan was shocked.
"I was given the choice. I could stay here or move to another school but if I stayed I'd have to stay at my dad's during the holidays and I'm not in the mood to be lectured during my time away from school." Dylan didn't know what to say, he couldn't fathom the three of them not being together for such a long period of time. "I know what you're thinking. I know I need to tell him but if we are going to have a shot at being friends again, I need to be away from you both."
"Y/N," Dylan shakes his head, "It doesn't have to be like this,"
"You know I saw you when you kissed each other in the English Literature classroom?" She confessed, Dylan's lips parting. "He kissed you in a way that he never kissed me. Everytime we kissed afterwards all I could think about was how different it was, how I desperately wanted him to kiss me the way I had seen him kiss you. I used to write in my diary about how I would die if I didn't have him near me. I thought he would be the end of me but I didn't realise you would be too."
"I know he loves you Dylan" She continues, "and... I'm happy for you but I'm not selfless enough to stand beside you both and watch you fall in love when I so desperately love him too."
"Y/N," Dylan reaches out for her hand and takes it, "I'm sorry."
"I know Dylan, I know."
xxxx
Harry's leg wouldn't stop jittering as he sat waiting for Y/N on a Tuesday evening outside the school library. He had been waiting for this moment for the last four weeks. It had played in his mind over and over again and he had spent much time rehearsing his apology to Y/N that it was now permanently engrained in his head.
The door to the library swung open and he immediately shot up, brushing down his school trousers and running a hand through his hair. Y/N walked out, looking better than she had been the last few weeks. In her hand, she held a bouquet of flowers and her backpack on her shoulder which he would have carried himself if they were still together.
She looked up, her expression changing when she locked eyes with him, "H-Harry," She whispered.
"I came," He started, "I-I couldn't believe it when I saw the text but I would have stood here for hours even if you didn't show up." Her face softened and she walked past him.
"Follow me," She lead him to the gardens where they had their first kiss and where they filmed the music video for Harry and Dylan's project. The three of them spent a lot of time here, Y/N would be doing homework, Dylan would be reading and Harry would be playing guitar.
They sat down side by side on the swinging bench and Harry had noticed how Y/N had kept some distance between them, he wanted so desperately to reach out and pull her into his side but it probably wasn't the right time all things considered.
"Who bought you those?" Harry started, he kept his fingers crossed in hopes it wasn't a boy.
"Debbie," She responded, referring to the school librarian. "It's my last time working at the Library."
Harry furrowed his eyebrows, looking from the flowers to Y/N, "You quit?"
Y/N inhales a breath, "I'm leaving Harry."
The wind escaped from him, "N-No," He shook his head, not believing what she was saying, "Y-You can't, you can't just leave, I won't let you-"
"Harry," She reached for his hand and held in her lap, "It's what's best."
"How can you say that?" He tried to pull his hand away despite the warmth he felt from the contact. "How can you say it's what's best? The three of us are meant to be together."
"It's a little too late for that don't you think?" Her eyes were glassy as she looked at the man she still loved. He looked tired, and skinnier than usual but there was nothing she could do to help him when she wasn't the person he needed anymore.
"Y/N the thing with Dylan," She waited for him to carry on, "I-I never meant for it to happen. We were just alone and I was stressed and my emotions got the better of me but I don't feel the way for him as I do for you." Why was he lying? It was like he had it permanently screwed into his brain that Y/N was the one he was meant to be with when the reality of it was that she wasn't.
"Maybe that's true but not in the way you might think. Dylan has always been there for you Harry, in ways I never could. The way that you look at him is as if he'd hung the stars in the sky above your head and put the sun at just the perfect angle so it would never blind you but be enough to brighten your smile. Maybe you do love me but love is not just about taking care of someone Harry, it's not just carrying my backpack because it's too heavy or doing my homework when I'm too tired from netball. It's being vulnerable and wanting to be taken care of and smiling and laughing and all the while feeling like your heart is burning and nothing can put it out. Now tell me, did you ever feel that way with me? Were you ever vulnerable with me?"
His heart cracks in his chest, "Please Y/N," He whimpered, "I can't be without you."
"You have Dylan," She tries to be the bigger person even though it's breaking her inside, "It was never going to be me Harry, can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me you don't have any feelings towards him?"
The response was enough for her heart to break all over again as he stared down at the ground. She wanted to pull away and run and never have to see anyone at this school again but she was going to be stronger and braver than that, the opposite of how they thought of her.
"Why do you have to go?" He cries.
"Because, what good would it be for the three of us if I were to stay? You need to find out who you are Harry and it's the same for me. Before me it was you and Dylan and now it will end with you and Dylan too."
"And what about you? What will you do? Where will you go?"
"I'm not sure where I'll go but I'm grateful for what I have been given. You and Dylan will always be a part of me and I hope one day we'll forget this and everything will be okay again." She brushes his hair back the way she used to, "I love you Harry. I love you so much I think I could burst."
"I love you too." He murmurs and this was the first time he truly felt he meant it because this time he was saying it to his best friend and not the woman he was in love with.
"Be brave." She said and kissed his cheek. "And tell him you love him."
Harry nods as he sobs and sobs, clinging onto her like a child.
She was going to love him forever.
She now knew he wouldn't.
"She's gone," Dylan stood in the doorway of Harry's bedroom. He was sitting at his desk doing homework under the light of his desk lamp.
"Was she alright?" He murmured, his pen stopping its movements against the paper.
"She was better than we probably both thought." Dylan realised both himself and Harry had always underestimated Y/N's strength. They had both always thought it was their job to protect her from bullies and detentions but she had always had it under control.
"Right." Harry muttered.
"I was thinking we have the leftover soup from earlier for dinner, instead of going to the dining hall." Dylan moves to sit on Harry's bed, the springs creaking as he did.
"I'm not hungry to be honest." Harry responded which was unheard of since he was always hungry.
"How long are you going to be like this? Wallowing in your own sadness, can't you see we're both trying to do the right thing for your benefit?"
Harry's head spun to look at him, "And what exactly are you doing?"
"I have been keeping my distance from you, acting as though we're strangers when in reality we are the complete opposite. Do you know how that feels? Do you know how much it kills me to not be near you? To have to hide from myself?" Dylan was angry and he had never been this angry at Harry before but he was tired. He was so tired of people stopping him from speaking about what he truly wanted.
"That's mighty big of you to assume I haven't been struggling when I've also been having to cope with the way I feel."
"Oh don't give me that bullshit." Dylan snaps, "You had someone to love you, in fact, you have many people who love you Harry! You have loving parents, the best grades in our year group, you had a girl who loved you for two whole years. You act as though that's all been taken away from you just because I kissed you."
"Y/N is gone because of us!" Harry raises his voice, standing up and Dylan stands too. He was no longer going to allow him to speak down to him.
"NO she is gone because of you! Because you are too afraid to tell the truth, because you care too much! That is why she is gone, that is why we have been split apart." Dylan finally yells with as much anger as Harry had the night of the party, their faces inches apart.
"How dare you? Can't you see this is difficult for me to accept?" Harry yells.
"What is? What is so difficult that you have to sit in the darkness and ignore the only two friends you've ever been close with? Huh? What is it?" Dylan pushes, "What is so difficult Harry? Tell me. TELL ME."
"I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU." Harry shouts, "I am a fool and I am in love with you."
Dylan stands, shell shocked. It was the first time he had heard the words coming from the man he had loved since they were first made to share a dorm on their first day arriving at boarding school.
"What?" He spoke, breathlessly.
"I have loved you since the moment I met you and it has been killing me everyday since. I think of you daily and nightly and every moment in between and it kills me. Kissing you was the only act of bravery I could make and denying it did nothing but make me a coward but here I am now, a man who's stupidly in love with his best friend." Harry's eyes were red.
Dylan didn't know what to say despite the many times he had dreamt of this moment. He looked straight into Harry's eyes and saw the love radiating out of him, "Kiss me," Dylan whispers, "Kiss me."
Harry wasted no time in holding his face in his hands, his hands perfectly sculpted to fit Dylan's face and hold it for the rest of eternity. He leaned forward and kissed him.
Dylan felt as if a part of him that had been missing all these years had finally come alive. He felt as though his brain and his heart were finally connected and burning brighter than ever as his lips molded against Harry's. His senses were filled with nothing but him and he would happily let him consume him if it meant he got to feel this way for the rest of his life.
"I love you too Harry." Dylan whispers against his lips.
"I bloody well hope so."
Now
Dear Harry,
I'd like to tell you a story that will more than likely make you happy.
One day, I was sat in a cafe only a twenty-minute walk away from Southend Park School which is closed down now and turned into a factory to fix airplanes.
I bought my usual order of a decaf Cappucino and a slice of toffee apple cake. On this particular day, they added more sugar to my cappuccino so I knew it would be a good day.
Across from me, a woman sat, her dog laying down at her feet as she read Catcher in the Rye whilst sipping on a fruit tea. I didn't think much of it but I found it interesting the way she would read something and then shakily jot something down in the little notebook on the table.
Anyway, I had originally come to the cafe so I could write about our trip to Brighton. You were still complaining about the sand in your clothes just last night despite the fact that Brighton has no sand.
"It's alright love," I comforted you, helping you put your pajamas on.
"It bothers me Dylan." You responded, coughing into your handkerchief.
We don't leave our small bungalow very often because I don't like to leave the dogs and you don't like change but this trip to Brighton was one we had been planning for a year or so so we didn't really have much choice in the matter.
We spent a lot of time sitting on the beach in the evenings whilst we were there, a blanket wrapped around the both of us as we fed the seagulls. I remember you saying you liked the sound of the ocean because it made you feel like we were seventeen again, running into the ocean without a care in the world.
You then proceeded to mention how worried you are about our Y/N, "I hope she's doing alright our Y/N." You said and then went back to talking about a program you watched the night before.
You had always worried about Y/N in the years after she left, always asking where she was or what she was up to despite the fact we never got in contact with her again. I also wonder whether or not she is okay and I knew that if I were to see her again I would thank her for allowing us the space to fall in love.
It was awfully difficult those months after we kissed in your bedroom, we were constantly berated by people we had never spoken to before and I knew it bothered you for a while but we overcame it just like we did every other obstacle in our lives... together.
Anyway, as I continued to write about our trip, the door to the cafe opened again and three middle-aged people walked over to the elderly lady in the corner. "Come on mum, we've got to say goodbye to dad now." The man spoke to her and she swatted him away. Something about that small action gave me a strong sense of deja vu.
"Give me a moment." The woman responded and the three children sat at the table in the chairs around her.
Eventually, they managed to get her standing up. One of them placed her coat around her shoulders as another handed her her walking stick. When she turned to look at me, I saw a familiar set of eyes looking straight at me.
The three people aiding her, walked to the door and held it open for her. As she was about to step out the door, her walking stick fell out of her shaky hands and right at my feet. I quickly picked it up and handed it to her, her face brightening at the sight of me.
"Thank you." Her voice still sounded the same all that time ago.
"No... Thank you, my darling."
—---------------------------------------
to the hopeless romantics who love fiercely but live quietly this ones for you !
in honour of my policeman coming out soon
thank you for reading.
all my love,
Clo xx