Jez collapsed as soon as we entered the cabin. All she said was a simple 'oh' before she fell, writhing on the floor with tears streaming down her face. I quickly dropped to my knees, attempting to gather her into my arms but froze as soon as she cried out, shaking her head and gritting her teeth. "It hurts," she cried. "Everything fucking hurts."
My heart felt like it pumping faster than light. "I'll be right back."
"I won't be going anywhere," she managed to say before convulsing erratically, a horrific scream leaving her lips.
I quickly slipped out of the cabin and flew straight to Rhysand's estate as fast as I could. The sun was now beginning to rise, with the realisation that not a single fae knew what had happened in the forest today. They would never know how close to death they were, whatever the fuck that thing was.
Instead, Jez was lying on the floor of our home, looking like she was on the brink of death. The way she moved, ran, and fought, taking ownership of the situation, was exciting to watch. She looked like she was in her element, not a single hesitation for her own safety but for the next move. She had come a long way from the female who had woken up in the cabin, frail and weak.
In fact, Jez looked just like the drawing in that book Cassian gave me all those months ago. The intensity and fire weren't just in the artwork, but replicated in real life. When she shook her head at me, and how she stood in front of my family was testament to who she was before she came here. Jezreel. The Mother's Commander. The Lightbringer.
Yet, the female who entered the forest and came out with Cassian were starkly different. She left the woods shattered, her face puffy but she felt broken, like parts of her soul had fragmented with whatever she had come to terms with. I wanted to know and take that pain away in any way possible, but that would have to wait until later. Right now, she was on fire, the flames blue and scathing. Her whole body was screaming at her, I could feel it.
I had felt her in pain before – it was stabbing and warm – but what Jez was feeling right now, didn't feel normal. It was heightened, terrifying and strong.
Landing in front of the estate, the sun now threatening to blind me, I barged my way through the front doors, nearly knocking them down. Feyre was stood in entrance, jumping towards me, her eyes wide and red with Nyx asleep in her arms. "Madja is with Elain."
"Jez-"
"I know," Feyre murmured, stroking Nyx's hair. "I know."
I stood frozen. What did Feyre know?
"Madja will be down in a second," Feyre continued. "She's been busy with Elain and Varian, everyone else is fine."
Gods, I had forgot about them.
Don't apologise, Feyre told me. I had also forgotten about my wall, it seemed. Make it seem like you're here for them.
"How are they?" I asked her, my heart still thumping and unsure if my High Lord was lurking around the corner. Feyre shrugged.
"In a deep sleep," she replied. "Madja thinks that sleep will help with this but she is-"
"Excuse me, my High Lady," Vera's familiar voice rang from behind me. Feyre's gaze snapped behind me, narrowing. I turned, finding the elderly female with her grandson in the doorway. She seemed to have aged even more than the last time I had seen her, by about a hundred years. Chance, on the other hand, looked like he had been dragged out of bed. "We have not been introduced, but I am Vera – Velaris' Seer – and this is my grandson, who I am sure you have done business with in the past."
"Good morning to you both," Feyre greeted. "Unfortunately, we aren't taking visitors-"
"My Lady," Chance interrupted, bowing his head. He held a large black leather bag in his arms. "I apologise for cutting in, but my grandmother may be of use to you, and your family, this early morning. She can help ease the pain all those-"
"How do you know about that?" Feyre demanded, not letting Chance finish his sentence. He didn't flinch, nor was he put off by my High Lady's tone. In fact, he straightened himself, running a hand through his golden hair. "It's suspicious that you come into my home and say you can help with the injured. Did you know this was going to happen? Were you aware that you not only put my family in danger but your home if you knew about this in advance?"
"My Lady," I murmured, falling back. As much as I would love the opportunity to strangle Chance myself, I knew that they only had their best intentions. A part of me knew that Vera would possibly be the only opportunity to stop this burning deep within me and Jez. "Give them a chance."
"You cannot be serious," Feyre hissed, turning her body towards me fully. Nyx stirred very briefly before settling once again. "This is treason-"
"Feyre, let them through," Rhysand's voice boomed behind us.
My attention moved to the top of the stairs. Rhys stood there, his eyes bloodshot, hair fussed with bruises and cuts littering his exposed skin. His clothes were still the ones he had worn in the clearing, but they were muddied and ripped to shreds. I watched as his jaw clenched and unclenched, his hands fisted by his side.
His gaze hovered on Vera before nodding. The old female and her grandson quietly moved around us, moving up the stairs with poise and motivation, and bowing as soon as they reached the top. Rhysand tilted his head to his right. The duo quietly manoeuvred towards the corridor, disappearing around the corner.
My High Lord's eyes snapped to mine.
"How is she?" Rhysand asked.
"Not well," I replied stiffly. "She...something's wrong."
"We will go straight to her once Elain and Varian have been tended to."
---
Jez was screaming in her bed. It was bloodcurdling, reverberating off the wooden walls and deep within the cabin, while Madja held her down and Vera was mumbling an ancient tongue, pacing around the bed. Her necklace was blinding, the natural room now a vibrant shade of purple, the blinds pulled to keep the sun hidden.
The Inner Circle was in her room as well, with Feyre and Rhysand stood to the side, their eyes glued in horror at the screaming female who was now convulsing. Nyx had been left at home with Nesta. Mor and Amren were seated on the settee, they too had their gazes stuck on whatever magic the elderly females were practicing. Cassian was planted by my side, his arms crossed and body taut.
Chance was in the lounge.
Bowls filled with varying mixtures of liquids and powders across the colour spectrum littered the room. Some were planted on the bedside tables, others were threatening to fall off the bed and tens of them were on the floor, discarded.
Vera and Madja had slathered lines of the concoctions on Jez. They were now glowing a faint gold colour, but nothing seemed to abate the growing burning feeling within me. It only seemed to get stronger, hotter and more blinding. In my many years of life, this intensity was nothing I had felt before. It was all-consuming, body-numbing and powerful.
A part of me wondered if this was what Jez felt when her magic wasn't subdued, when it flowed freely and protected her. If this was what she felt when she called upon The Mother – her own mother – to help Vel. I questioned if she felt this when she died. This power surging through me was impressive, brimming and powerful.
"Can you feel that?" Cassian murmured, watching Jez convulse and Madja having to pin her arms down. Magic was humming in the air, leaking out of the crying female. "I know she's old and who she is but her magic is...ancient."
I grunted, nodding in agreement. Cass was right. The atmosphere was thickening, suffocating, as if the room was containing whatever was in the air from leaking out. My gaze wandered momentarily and found the runes Amren had inscribed appearing on the walls, black tendrils slithering around them.
"I wonder who her father is?" Cass continued.
I didn't immediately reply. "She hasn't mentioned."
"Not even once?"
"No."
"You know, it seems daddy issues runs deep with all of us."
I snorted but I couldn't help but wonder who the Mother had been with to create Jez, as well as her sisters. He must have been old, ancient at least, with this much power throbbing and escaping despite Jez wearing the Chaostrite.
"Will the Chaostrite break?" I asked the healers. They both ignored me as Jez's back lifted off the bed before collapsing quickly, the purple instantly dissipating along with the thick, magical air. The runes disappeared once again and the world seemed to stop, as if it were taking a moment to recover from whatever was happening to the female. The gold on Jez's body dimmed until they were dull.
I too instantly felt relief, light, like the weight of whatever Jez was feeling had been lifted. I no longer burned.
Madja quickly let go of Jez, while Vera collapsed forwards onto the bed, breathing heavily. The room was dead silent, not a single one of us moved while we watched the elderly females catch their breath. "No, it won't," Vera murmured, turning and plopping herself onto the bed. Her eyes instantly met mine, burning. "She...if we had waited any longer, Jez would have died. No one said she had sustained serious injuries."
"Jez didn't seem like she was in pain when she killed that fuck," Cass explained, scratching his head and furrowing his brows. "I did see Gwyn give her something though."
Fucking Gwyn.
I felt my body's temperature rise as my heart began to thunder in my chest. I felt my shadows wrap themselves around me, cocooning me in their coolness. What the fuck did she give her?
"Calm yourself, Shadowsinger," Vera murmured. "What Gwyn had given Jezreel was not anything bad but you need to be careful about putting her in a position where she could seriously hurt herself. She is a magical being in a makeshift human vessel – it would happen to any of you. Her magic began to fight through the magical properties of the Chaostrite, trying to heal her, and obviously it's meant to subdue. Unfortunately, that puts a strain on a body that isn't allowing her essence to do what it needs to do."
"What would happen if...?" Mor began but trailed off when Vera sighed. She stood up and manoeuvred around the bed, fixing Jez's hair affectionately.
"I'm not sure," Vera replied.
---
Jez had stayed asleep for the last week, and nothing could wake her. Vera and Madja had alternatively checked on her but kept on repeating that sleep was the best thing for her at the moment.
Rhys, Cass and I sat in the lounge with the fire going. We each had a glass of amber alcohol in hand, basking in the heat, with the lamps on creating a cosy, intimate feeling. It seemed we were heading for a cold winter despite the warm start to the autumn season. Tonight was even colder than usual.
"Do you feel bad?" Cass abruptly asked, his gaze falling on Rhysand who was lounging on the long settee. Rhys was swirling the drink with a twist of his wrist, the fire seemingly burning itself into his eyes.
"About what?" Rhysand murmured, shifting his body slightly.
"Reading Jez's diary? Still getting us all to do recon on her? She's asleep in her room-"
"Have you grown to care for the female?" Rhysand asked his eyes moving to Cassian, bored. Cass finished his drink, watching it refill itself after.
"She risked her life for us, for you."
Rhysand sighed, massaging his temples. "I know. What we have translated at the moment is eye-opening."
I was curious to know what he knew.
"I didn't realise how much of her was in Velaris, or even the Night Court, but also the whole of Prythian. It's not just Jezreel but her sisters. The lives and stories they've lived. I can only imagine how many fae have lived and died through it all."
"You sound impressed," I murmured against the rim of my glass. My brothers' eyes snapped to me in an instant as I took a sip of the beverage. The alcohol hit my throat setting it ablaze momentarily before going down smoothly. As soon as the alcohol hit my stomach, the familiar warmth and fuzziness spread through me.
It was the first time I had spoken since we were in Jez's bedroom. I would nod or shake my hand, look at my family to give a response but a part of me had floated away and locked itself from everything. Rhys had given me the mission to find a fae to translate the diary and I did it with no questions asked. Cassian then tried to engage me in conversations with little response other than a grunt. I found my High Lord his translator, I dropped Cassian home and came straight back to the cabin with not a single word uttered.
When I was in the house, I'd sit on the spare chair in Jez's room, staring at the female whose chest rose and fell gently. She had barely moved, and when she did it was by either Madja or Vera. Outside of the house, I'd get some of tendrils to stay behind and monitor her with little to no update when we were united. I was concerned, scared, for the female who may not wake up – as per Vera's words.
She might wake up. She might not. She could wake up broken. She could wake up the same.
The damage of what her magic was doing in confined shell is uncertain.
If Jez did wake up, how long it would take was another matter. A week? A fortnight? A month? Years? Neither Vera or Madja could be certain.
Even with Jez semi-here, the cabin felt empty. No Jez sitting at the bay window with her nose in one of those Gods forsaken books. No making breakfasts for two. No laugh. No tears. No fights. Nothing. It was quiet, a husk of what it was.
"I never said I wasn't," Rhys replied slowly. "I only want what is best for my family."
"If Jez made me happy?" I asked him, knowing that this conversation shouldn't be happening in the first place. "Would you still treat her the same?"
"Does she?" Rhysand asked, genuine in his tone.
Yes.
"I don't know," I muttered, tapping my glass with a finger.
"Don't give me that bullshit," Cass laughed. "Brother, ever since she's the picnic, you've not said a single word."
"Shut up," I barked at him. It only made Cass laugh harder, with Rhysand chuckling.
"How about this?" Rhysand said, sitting up. "I'll make an effort, and you bring her to the Winter Solstice celebration, as well as Starfall."
"That's if he manages to get her out this house," Cass cackled and I threw my glass at him. He ducked, letting the glass fly over his head and slam against the glass window. "Come now brother."
"That'll be the last thing Jez says to him," Rhys chuckled.
---
I wasn't sure when three of us had fallen asleep, or when Cass had joined Rhys on the long settee but I stirred awake to the sound of pans clanking together in the kitchen. Groggy, and still feeling slightly intoxicated – Gods had we drunk last night – I froze when I took a deep breath in.
Strawberries and vanilla.
Sitting up in the chair, I grabbed the arms of it and dug my fingers in, my head snapping to the kitchen. There she was, frozen in spot, her now silver eyes were wide, with a pan much too big for what she needed it to do. Her long brunette hair falling almost perfectly, with baby hairs sticking out. She had slipped out of her old clothing and into a matching purple, winter pyjama set that were fitting her well. Her cheeks were a bright pink and her lips partially open in the moment of getting caught.
My heart was pounding in my chest.
Jez.
Gods, did she look beautiful right now.
"Morning," she whispered. "Or evening, it's still dark out."
How was she acting as if she hadn't been in a coma for the last week?
"I didn't want to wake you."
She should have done.
"Rhysand and Cass looked really comfortable, and I saw the glasses of alcohol so I decided not to wake you."
"You should have done," I told her in a low, gruff voice, stirring Cass very briefly before he fell back to sleep. She shrugged and placed the pan on the island countertop.
Quietly, I pulled myself out of the chair and walked towards her. My heart was thumping way too fast, as if it were ready to jump out and run towards Jez. She looked how she did in the rock pools, her attention solely on me and no one else. The way her eyes were trained on me, just me. Watching every single move, surveying whether my walk over was good or bad.
I missed her. I missed her laugh. I missed her scent. I missed everything about her while she slept.
"Do you know how long you were out for?" I asked her quietly, planting myself directly in front of her. Jez shook her head and my breath caught in my throat as a rogue strand of hair slipped past her ear and fell in front of her face. Tucking it back, I kept a hand on her cheek. She leaned into it, her left hand sliding over my arm and gripping it. "A week."
"I...I didn't realise," she told me, her thumb rubbing my skin softly. "It didn't feel like it. I just felt everything, everywhere, and then nothing all at once. It felt like a deep sleep."
"Don't do that again."
She laughed. Gods, was it like music. "Don't say things like that, you'll make me think you want me around after this is all done." She paused. "You'll make me want to stay."
I leaned down and pressed my forehead against hers. A silence followed. I wanted her to stay. I wanted nothing more than for her to stay here and be with me, to get her to show me the world beyond what I knew. I wanted more than these walls of this cabin. I wanted to take her beyond Velaris and create new memories with her that were just between the two of us.
That's if she didn't find out about all the work that was going on behind the scenes. If she did, Gods, I would explain that I didn't want anything to do with it. That I was bound by my oath to my High Lord and this court. I would fix the situation – if and when it did.
"I want you to."
She laughed again.
No. I'd work to keep this from her.
"Don't."
I kissed her. Every single muscle and bone shook tensed as I did, waiting for her to reciprocate. It felt like an eternity, as if I had been waiting for this moment to come. Every single fight, kiss, fuck, and bad decisions led to this. If she kissed me back right now, if she made it apparent she wanted me too, then it was game over. I'd give myself to her, my entire life would be on the line if she asked me to. If she so much as requested for me to take the knife to my chest, I would do it.
Yet, she didn't move an inch.
I cautiously pulled back and looked at her. My little doe, her eyes wide, with confusion.
"I...I want to."
"What's wrong?"
She bit her bottom lip and I mentally cursed myself, my cock hardening in my grey bottoms.
"If I do this, Az, and you hurt me, I won't be the same. I can't look at you the same. I would make sure your life was hell, and I'd take you there personally."
Shit.
"Then hurt me, Jez."
In a split second, her arms were wrapped around my neck and pulled me towards her, slamming her lips and body against my own. I bit back a hiss as my hardness met her body and she moaned into my mouth, moving her body ever so slightly against it. Running my tongue along the bottom of her lip, she instantly opened her mouth to my own, her tongue meeting me half-way.
Strawberries and fucking vanilla alright.
Jez unhooked an arm and slid it down my body, to the waistband of my joggers. With ease, she slipped past the band and my briefs, her warm hand wrapping around my cock. I jerked against her touch, causing her to pull away and look at me. "Did you miss me?" she asked, a dark glee in her eyes.
"Yes," I bit out. She pecked my lips and pumped me once.
"Did you fuck anyone else while I was out?"
"No." Her hand slid up my length. Oh, fuck this. I moved my hips into her grip, relishing her touch.
"What would your High Lord say if he saw you right now?" she murmured, kissing me in between each word.
"Why don't you ask him?" I told her, pulling her hand out of my joggers and spinning her around. I bent her over the counter roughly and nearly tore her bottoms off. In the dim light of the room, I could see her pussy glistening. Fuck. I slid a finger inside of her with ease, curling as soon as I was knuckle deep. A whimper left her lips as she gripped the side of the island top, trying to support her body. "Go on, ask him."
"He's right there," Jez whispered.
"I didn't notice."
I inserted three fingers, watching them slide in and out of her body, and soaking my fingers in her fluids. Her knees buckled, the only thing supporting her was the island. She began moving her body to my thrusts, soft moans escaping her lips. "Az."
"I'm not Rhysand," I muttered, pulling my fingers away as soon as I felt her tighten. She hissed while I pulled my joggers and briefs down, exposing my hardened cock. Wrapping a hand around the base of it, I pressed the head against her wetness and leaned over, my face pressed against the side of Jez's. She gasped at the contact. "Ask him, Jez."
"He's not my High Lord," she said faintly. I smirked and fisted her hair with my spare hand. Pulling her head back, I kissed the base of her neck. "Az, he's right there, so is Cass."
I continued my assault on her neck, my eyes wandering to where Jez was looking. Rhysand's head was resting on the arm of the settee he was lying on, while Cassian was on the other side. Sliding my other hand to her hip, I moved my own forward very slightly, the head of my cock just barely penetrating her. She moaned loudly and I chuckled against her skin.
"Ah, I see them now," I murmured. "I'm sure they'll forgive me."
Before Jez could say another word, I slammed my cock deep within her, savouring her warmth and wetness. She cried out, her body attempting to go limp under me. I stilled momentarily, watching Rhysand shift slightly. "You need to be quiet."
"I thought you wanted me to ask him," she breathed.
"With words," I chuckled, pulling my hips back. Jez gasped at the movement.
"You're so big," she moaned.
"Are you asking him if I'm bigger?"
I slammed my cock deep within her again, pulling her hair so I could look at her face. If heaven were an actual place, I think she was there. Her cheeks were now a deep red, her eyes barely open and her plump, wet lips parted. She was breathing heavily, letting me have my way with her. "I don't think you need me to ask him that."
"Hey, Rhys, do you mind if I fuck Jez in the kitchen?" I said. Other than the combined heavy breathing of Jez and I, there was silence. "We'll take that as a no." I began thrusting inside of Jez, pulling her hair every so often to feel her tighten around my length. "You're such a good girl for taking me."
Jez could barely put together sentence, let alone a word, as she moaned, louder than I had anticipated. My eyes shot back to my brothers who didn't move a muscle. "Az."
There it was. Her pussy began to tighten around my cock and I instantly felt my own climax reaching its peak. Letting go of her hip, I wrapped a hand around her mouth. Jez reached up and wrapped a hand around my wrist, her nails digging into the skin, sending electricity throughout my body. I continue to thrust deeply within her until she cried out and bit down on my hand, muffling the moans.
"Oh," I grunted, thrusting one last time and stilling deep within her, cumming at the same time. I collapsed on top of her, still inside as I pumped my cum deep within her.
We stayed like that for a while, not a single word uttered as we collected our breaths. I kissed her neck one last time before pulling out and straightening. A smirk took over my lips, looking at my seed spill out of her. "I've never asked if you liked it when I came inside of you."
Jez turned to look over her shoulder, her eyes instantly meeting mine. "I'll let you cum inside of me again if you fuck me in your bed." She licked her lips, her eyes dropping down to my cock that was already hardening again. "That's a stupid question to ask."
"Alright then," I said and slapped her arse. Pulling her off the counter, I spun her around and threw her over my shoulder as she giggled, letting me carry her to the door that led to my bedroom.
Yet, as I carried her up the stairs and through the next set of doors, before throwing her on the bed, something deep within me nagged at my soul. While I would do anything for the female who was watching me take my shirt off, I knew I was going to hurt her deeply. That Rhysand reading her diary, instead of just asking her, was going to destroy whatever this was.
That was a worry for another day. Right now, Jez was here and giving me her entire attention and affection. That's what mattered. The loneliness deep in me was abated. I felt good, whole, when I was with her.