TW: panic attack
Pov y/n
I look at Scarlett. She looks serious but her expression is also soft.
"Yes, we do." I agree and she nods. She takes a deep breath and starts.
"I'm famous. I don't know if you knew who I was when we met or if you know now..." She looks at me askingly and I nod slowly.
"When I met you on the train, I didn't know who you are. I actually didn't know until this morning, when a friend sent me an article about us." I share and Scarlett seems to think about my words before she nods.
"So, you didn't know that I'm an actress when we met in the train or the park?" She asks, now sounding more curious.
"No. You did seem familiar but I couldn't pinpoint it." I answer honestly and shrug my shoulders. Scarlett's smile grows and she seems genuinely happy about that.
"Well, I suppose that explains why you treated me like a normal person. Don't get me wrong, I love my fans and everything, it's just...sometimes it's nice to be treated normal, you know?" Her eyes search for mine and I look into hers. There are so many emotions swirling around in them right now and I can't quite tell them apart.
"Yeah, I guess I know what you mean but either way I would have treated you like I did. It wouldn't have mattered if you are famous or not, the way I talked to you and behaved, would have been the same." I say truthfully and see surprise in her eyes.
"Are you sure?" She asks, something like hope swinging in her voice.
I'm a little confused why hope but as long as it's something positive, I don't mind. I think about her question a few seconds though before I nod.
"Yes, of course. After all, you're a human just like everyone else." I try to explain my mindset.
"That really means a lot to me, thank you. Does that also mean, you will still treat me as you always did? Even though you know now that I am a celebrity?" She asks almost shyly.
It feels like a weight is lifted off my heart at her words because they indicate that I will see her again and that she won't drop me and pretend like we never met.
"Yes. It doesn't change who you are as a person and it also doesn't change any of the things we talked about. I just know your last name yet as well." I joke and Scarlett chuckles at that and lets out a breath of relief .
"Thank you, that really means a lot to me because I like spending time with you and I like the dynamic between us and would have found it sad if that changed." She explains and smiles softly at me.
Her smile and her words make little butterflies appear in my stomach. She likes spending time with me! And the dynamic between us, which I'm not quite sure about how she sees it but still.
I look into her eyes that are always so kind and still see a lot of uncertainty on the depths of the green oceans. For a few seconds I forget that I should probably reply something and concentrate back on the current situation.
"I really like hanging around with you too." I say. Wow, smart answer, not at all obvious that I just got lost in her eyes.
"The only thing that might change a little is that I will a bit more careful in public with you and Rose." I add and Scarlett nods, her eyes losing a little bit of sparkle.
"Right, the reason I wanted to talk to you." She says and bites her lip in nervousness. Her eyes dart around the room a little as she seems to be thinking about what to say next. When her eyes settle on me, she takes a deep breath and starts.
"When you're in any way famous, there are always paparazzi, trying to get a picture of you, no matter where you are or what you're doing. Privacy isn't something they know. They just want to get a story for the gossip and are more than willing to come up with something that is false in every way. People love gossip and tend to quickly believe the media. I have a management that takes care of most of it but some things evolve faster than we can handle. That's why I'm careful in public. Luckily, the media respects that I don't want Rose to be in those pictures, most of the time. I just don't want her to be part of this gossip world, especially not when she's this young. I honestly forgot about paparazzi yesterday when we were outside and I slipped." She explains and fiddles with a ring on her finger, clearly nervous.
I let her words sink in and try to process them. It's not news to me that paparazzi can be a pain in the ass and that they will just ignore the fact that celebrities also have something like privacy. I just never knew, they work this fast. I mean, it happened yesterday evening and there's already at least one article about it. It makes total sense that Scarlett does her best to disguise herself and is very aware of her behavior in public. Having paparazzi watching your every step must be hard and exhausting and from what Kelly told me, they really come up with wild stories without any kind of evidence or statement.
When I think about Scarlett's last words, I feel a little sting in my heart. She 'slipped' yesterday... I press my lips together as I feel sadness evolving in my heart and hurt flows through my body. It was a mistake, she didn't mean it and now she has a problem because of it. My eyes were focused on my hands in my laps while I was in thought but now I look up at her.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cause you any trouble." I say, my voice not as normal in tone as I hoped for.
Scarlett seems to notice that as well and looks at me confused before acknowledgement takes over and her eyes soften and she almost looks sorry.
"No, I didn't mean it like that. Not at all. I didn't mean that it was a mistake that I hugged you, not at all and it is in no way your fault. You did nothing wrong. What I meant by 'I slipped' is that I forgot that there were paparazzi and that I didn't think about that they could take pictures. Even if I would have remembered that, I probably still would have hugged you. It's just that I feel so good, safe and normal around you because you treat me like I'm a normal person. For a good amount of time I forgot that I'm famous and just lived in the moment. And that is a good thing, I didn't have that in a long time and I really like that feeling. You make me feel safe, y/n. That's what I mean by that and nothing else." She assures me and reaches out to take my hands in hers.
I look down at our hands as she gently brushes her thumbs over my knuckles, it feels good, comforting. My eyes find hers again and she gives me a reassuring smile, lightly squeezing my hands.
Her words slowly make their way into my brain. She feels safe around me, like a normal person and good. I make her feel this way. She's not mad at me for what happened, I didn't mess it up. It's okay.
I take a deep breath and focus back on her, the hurt and sadness fading and being replaced by joy. I want to make her feel safe with me, I want her to be happy and free around me. I want to make her smile and laugh and forget about her worries.
"Thank you." I almost whisper and she tilts her head in question.
"What for?" Her eyes are still soft and searching mine for an answer.
"For being honest with me and for telling me how you feel. And for feeling safe around me." I answer and smile a little. A smile also tugs on her lips and she intertwines her fingers unconsciously with mine.
"No, I have to thank you for making me feel safe. And as much as I'd like to keep this talk this nice, we have to talk about how we want to continue." She sighs and I nod, we have to talk about that, yes.
"You still want to hang out with me?" I ask, suddenly a little insecure again and chew on my lip.
"Of course, as I said, I like spending time with you. And as long as you still want to hang out with me, I don't see a problem there." She says, her voice not even doubtingly in the slightest bit.
Relief washes over me and I realize that deep down inside of me, I thought she wouldn't want to see me ever again.
"What about the rumors?" I ask, not sure if she is bothered by them.
I mean, they do indicate that Scarlett is part of the LGBTQ+ community and I'm not sure for once if she is and second if she wants to come out like this. Scarlett nods and thinks for a few seconds.
"So far they are just speculating if we're dating, or already a couple. But there are no further pictures than the ones from yesterday. People said they saw us with Rose but there is no proof of that, so that will probably be forgotten soon. And so should the pictures. If rumors don't get fueled, they die down fast, which is good. Giving up a statement seems a little too much right now, because it's just the pure gossip magazines that are speculating right now and a statement would just draw a lot more of attention that we don't want. Basically, we have two options: either let them die down, which means that we shouldn't really be seen too close together in public. Although it's hard to define what's 'too close'. Or we give a shit about those rumors and just continue the way we are." She suggests, watching my reaction.
I gulp a little at the thought of not seeing Scarlett anymore, not even for a walk or a coffee. But I understand that she wants the rumors to fade. I start to chew on my lip a little while I think about it.
"What do you prefer?" I ask, not sure what to think about this since I have no experience in this kind of matter.
"I am kinda okay with both options. Just because we're not supposed to be seen in public, doesn't mean that we can't meet at all. You can still come and visit me and we can hang out. Or if Rose wants to spend time with you, you can play in the garden, that's not the problem. It just can make you feel trapped or pressured when you go outside. It's hard to explain...It can...I don't want to make you feel like you're some sort of secret that I'm too ashamed to stand to." She finds the right words and I nod.
Hearing her say that makes me feel better because even though we would still be able to see each other, it would feel like she's hiding me from the outside world like a secret.
"I am not ashamed of you, I stand by the fact that we have a good time together and that I feel normal around you." She emphasizes again, making sure I know that.
I nod and give her a smile, showing her I believe her and I do. But would it be enough to just see her in her own home? Not being able to go outside for a walk or a coffee?
"The other option would be to just continue how it was?" I ask and Scarlett nods in confirmation.
"Depending on the paparazzi and which kind of photos they take, the rumors could continue and probably grow. They don't have to affect us in any way and we don't have to let them get to us but that can be hard, especially when you're new to this whole thing. And there will be people speculating about who you are, you should be aware of that." She explains, searching my face for emotions.
I breathe out and look down at our intertwined hands. This is a lot to take in. But I mean she is right, the rumors will grow but she doesn't seem to have such a big problem with that.
Do I have a problem with that?
I mean, I don't read those gossip magazines and don't really care what they say. And it's not like people know who I am anyway.
Wait, Scarlett said they will be speculating about who I am...
Suddenly I feel anxiety rising up inside me, there will be people who will try to figure stuff out about me. People who will look me up on the internet and maybe even more.
I've never really been in any newspaper but I don't doubt that when you know how to look for someone, that you will find stuff about me. I don't want that, I don't want everyone to know everything about me.
My breathing picks up and my hands start to shake. I won't have any privacy anymore, I will be followed by paparazzi as well.
What if my bosses get annoyed by that and don't like the attention on me?
If the magazines talk bad about me, maybe I will lose my jobs and then I'm without a job and won't be able to may rent an apartment and end up back at a hotel. My money won't last endlessly and eventually I'd have to go back home. My dream of starting a new life would be shattered.
As my thoughts spiral, my whole body tenses and my eyes don't focus on anything anymore.
My private life will be ruined.
"Hey, hey, hey, what just happened?" Scarlett asks worried, watching my body react to my spiraling thoughts.
"I...my...I won't have any privacy anymore. What if..." I don't finish the sentence, my breathing too fast for me to speak. Scarlett doesn't care that I didn't finish my sentence.
"Can you look at me, y/n?" She asks and my eyes dart to look at her. She smiles a little at me.
"Very good. Now breathe with me, okay? Deep breaths. In...and out. In. Out." She says, her voice gentle and calm.
Her breathing matches her words and I copy it. I struggle a little in the beginning but after a few deep breaths, I feel like I can breathe better again and my body starts to calm down.
Her fingers let go of mine and I miss the feeling of her hands in mine instantly.
But she just wanted to change positions and now holds one of my hands in hers, my palm up as she draws small patterns onto it. My other hand rests on my knee as my eyes watch her finger moving softly over my skin.
"Just concentrate on your breathing and the feeling in your hand." She advises me softly and I follow her request.
My body calms down and my thoughts untangle as I watch her hand turn mine around and her finger traces up my lower arm. Her finger just ever so slightly touching my skin but it feels good and a warm feeling spreads through my body.
With a final deep breath, the panic vanishes and I look up at Scarlett, who watches her finger tracing over my arm.
As if she can feel me looking at her, she tilts her head up to find my eyes, her finger still moving over my arm. It's a really nice and comforting feeling.
"Are you feeling better?" She asks softly, searching my eyes for any sign of panic.
"Yes, thank you. My thoughts just spiraled and I got overwhelmed and panicked." I explain and Scarlett nods, her face showing nothing than understanding and care.
"It can be very overwhelming and I'm sorry you fell right into it without any warning." She says and almost sounds guilty.
"It's not your fault, Scarlett. And I'm better now, thanks to you." I assure her and her eyes light up a little.
"I'm glad I could help you." She says and her finger stops tracing over my arm, her hands letting go of mine to lay between us.
I look at them and feel the urge to hold them again, wanting to feel safe and comforted again. My fingers twitch but I don't move them, not wanting to come over weird or clingy at the moment. I look back up at her.
"From everything we talked about and what happened, I gather that we have to find a resolution for the current situation because we can't quite continue it as we started." She says, careful not to make me panic again and I nod. Since I don't really have an idea, I let her talk.
"We can try a mix of both options. We will mainly meet here where no paparazzi will take pictures of us. But we can also go outside, just not as often as before maybe. I will go back to wearing a cap and sunglasses and if you want to do that too, that could help to protect your private life. I will talk to my manager and tell her to shut those rumors down as good as possible. If you feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed in any way, please tell me, okay?" Scarlett offers and I think about the proposal.
That actually sounds good, we're not completely hiding but will avoid to be photographed all the time. This way the rumors can die down but I am also not hidden away like a dirty little secret. I listen to my inner feelings if they feel okay with this plan and when I don't feel any strong anxiety, I know this is the way.
"Yes, I like that. I think it's the best way and a good middle between both options. And I will tell you if I feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable." I agree and a smile grows on Scarlett's lips.
"Good, then we have that settled. Or is there anything else, you'd like to talk about?" She asks and I think about it for a few seconds before I shake my head. I think I'm all set.
A/n: A bit of angst after the relatively calm chapters. :D
Thanks for reading and love to you all <3