first and foremost, i want to thank you all (the very few of you lmao) who finished their long story <33 sorry i didn't want to make their story short they've become a part of my daydreams and i even found it so difficult to end.
anyway, thank you for all the support and for sticking through! :)
i have no special announcements really (lmao i do, it's at the end), just read and enjoy the workings of thy brain:
CHARACTERS
Hideo
- the cheshire cat symbolization
- basically, if ure not familiar with it:
"The Cheshire Cat is sometimes interpreted as a guiding spirit for Alice" (fr: Alice in Wonderland)
- basically, Hideo's dead (a spirit) 99% of the time but he plays a sneaky role and affects the story (and its plot) to a great extent
- i actually randomly thought of his and mikey's story once upon a bathroom shower before i even thought of ran and hikari
- but i didn't want to write their story as a main story and ended up using it for rankari's drama lmao
Kokonoi
- the underrated second lead
- if u've forgotten, but in book one, i rlly tried to show that kokonoi was genuinely in love with hikari
- like any criminal, his love was toxic too (deception and lying)
- anyway, he admitted early on that ran would treat her better and gave up hope
sidenote: i can't stress how much hope can destroy a person as much as it uplifts them but i'll get to that in rin's part
- decided to be her friend, kind of always an asshole, but from book one i wanted him to be that guy who helped her
- i mean hikari doesn't have any legit friends she can talk to and actually have fun with except him
- their past was simply a backstory, never wanted to elaborate on it even though koko hang onto it like money
Mikey
- OKAY I LOVED HIM FROM THE VERY BEGINNING
- if u notice in the first book, yes he was an asshole but it was like minimum asshole yknow
- like he was impartial most of the time and being his usual self, it was sanzu who was the biggest shit
- hideo lover that's it, that was his main trait in my mind from the moment i wrote him
- i just thought it fit perfectly too so he had reasons to sabotage ran (bc ran showed him the truth about hideo's being a spy), and then so he could have a character development through hikari, someone who reminded him so much of the love of his life
Sanzu
- i just needed an antagonist, bro and he was perfect
- never want to elaborate in backstories (idk if u noticed) but i just mention them for the sole purpose of giving reason for their traits and actions yk
- so yup, his backstory w hikari was only mentioned a total of once, but i swear he's insane, and hikari's pretty, and he can't have her both bc she doesnt want him and ran's protective
- i just thought the combination of all those would make someone out of his mind obsessed
- he didnt love her yup, it was more of like what she made him feel ?
- the challenge, the longing to be taken care of like back in their past, revenge on ran
Rindou
- brb crying
- okay, okay, so why did he have to fall for hikari?
- realistically: rin was spending too much time with her alone, how can i not write something there
- plot-wise: while sanzu was the physical antagonist (i mean sure mental too) but Rin brought out the most EMOTIONAL DAMAGE conflict both to Hikari and Ran
- Ran and Hikari both genuinely cared for him, Hikari was in love with him to an extent
- the incident (rape): remember sht about hope being destructive?
- well, Rin almost had her. they both acknowledged that there was something there, but Ran came back. he lost her before he even got her yk
- and bc he can't move on, he hoped one day she'd choose him and he was disappointed again and again
- he feels as if if things had been different, they would've become what he wanted them to be (he felt the need to prove that to her too)
- taking advantage of her was him hoping it would change things afterwards (he knew it was wrong from the start, but like i said, HOPE)
- also abt the incident: i planned it to be the downfall of everyone yk. i mean ran and hikari started going downhill from there, they were burning each other out, and hikari was at her worst
- i needed hikari mentally drained to justify her leaving Ran after finding out abt the truth (i just thought that if she found out, and they were in the good parts of their relationship, she'd have enough strength to stay and forgive him on the spot bc she loves him like that)
- also abt his feelings for hikari: using this so much in the book im writing for him lmao stay safe if ure tired of angst, this is where we part ways
- relationship with Ran: i wanted to stick with the fact that they cared for each other (u know it was angst potential to me)
Haru
- a child, literally
- like Hikari was to Mikey, Haru was to Ran a reminder of his lover
- he was a child too smart for his own good basically, and i needed him for the plot bc he reveals shit unexpectedly yk
- also, the only course of action for Ran if Hikari were to die was to obviously follow
- needed Haru to make him stay and suffer a while
HIKARI
- pls i enjoyed writing her so much
- it's fiction i get it, but realistically speaking, she's had a very hard life yet she had so much love to give
- yk how she cares for everyone although she isn't showy
- i wanted her to be paradoxical you know, good yet sinful, bad yet so very kind
- wanted to force the narrative wherein she was an angel rlly, if only life didn't do her dirty like that like c'mon the girl had no choice in anything
- cared for rin even after all that, in kokonoi's backstory with her, hikari left and hid from him because she didn't want to keep on taking advantage of him even when she needed the money
- so yk how hikari gives up caring on good and evil, but she is still KIND.
- maybe a little unhinged, who could blame her. but overall, i 100% do not accept if u think she's cold-hearted or she doesn't deserve Ran
- the girl literally has a conscious but managed to throw it away for her mass-murdering psychotic husband
- basically, the gist of her character:
- inherently kind at heart, had to toughen herself up bc of harsh environment, finds Ran and could finally be comfortable for the first time in her life, she's still kind but only to those she cherishes now
- adapted to Ran's principles in which you could only take and be evil when the world is evil and takes too much
- also, i know i've said this a millionth time, but the girl is still kind. imagine being so traumatized but you just have so much love in you that SHE LITERALLY PROPOSED, FORGAVE RAN, AND UHM OH WAIT. CHOSE DEATH THAN TO LEAVE RAN HANGING AT THEIR WEDDING.
- i said it once, i'll say it again. she deserves Ran. if she's not kind, in the very least, she's still a very loving person
RAN
- okay so i loved writing him so much too bc i just know no man as great as him would ever walk the earth
- literally has all love languages, acts of service especially (AND PLS THEY TOUCH A LOT)
- fr the start, i wanted him to be thoughtful. that's it. Ran is thoughtful. he thinks abt everything, and hikari's he's everything yk so she's in his mind 24/7
- i mean if she isn't, he wouldn't be doing everything i wrote for him to do: buying books, nitpicking clothes, stocking ice cream when he's not fond of them, protecting her identity early on before he even knew he fell, the list goes on
- he's a poor soul on his eighth life
- his love transcended lifetimes alright, he'd chase hikari anywhere
- also, i initially wanted the roles to be reversed. hikari still died but like when she woke up she remembers, and then she courts ran first this time. and then ran suddenly remembers too and he explains that he was grieving for eleven yrs, watching over her brother. kind of like hikari regressed first and then after Ran's mourning, he met her halfway in their past.
- BUT, i just thought i would be deviating from my one principle in this book: no matter how much Hikari loved Ran, Ran would always love her more
- also, both of them remembering would just cure every heartache, we don't want that
- abt Ran loving more. he suffered longer, he's the one who remembers, technically speaking, in this life where he remembers, Hikari won't even face as much troubles anymore. but Ran, the horrors of all those eight lives will stay.
- it's not about how a man loves more, Ran just loves more alright, it's non-negotiable. if their love can be measured, Ran's will always amount to more, he's helpless
- so Ran is perfect bc he loves her so much he's literally shed his toxicity and saved it up for everyone who wasn't her, but he still has his flaw: his secrets, his difficulty to be vulnerable in front of her
- it was never trust issues, he trusted hikari. sure, he was afraid she'd leave, but as i wrote again and again from his perspective: he was afraid he'd break her beyond repair as a person, not just as someone who was his lover yk
- so his battle is mainly: a lot. there's sanzu and rin and mikey, there's his own mind, his guilt, brother issues, and uhm, hello?! he doesn't die? it took him eight regressions to actually make progress lmao bless his poor soul
- idk, i always just associate love with pain. i think the more someone is in pain bc of a love story, the more one has loved. he was in pain for all times he was alive, bc duh he loved her every single time too
- they're soulmates, smtms i think they'd come to life and i don't deserve to write this story
- lmao pls, a man like Ran would never be real, no one would ever come close it hurts
okay, shutting up now. i'll just post the announcements in the next chap.