Tw: This chapter is very heavy and does talk about, loss, death, panic attacks, and secrets, bullying, amongst other things. So heads up if you have a hard time with any of that.
Having been home for a few days now I was laying in bed trying to let sleep take over and I was struggling.
After an hour I felt myself slowly drift into sleep.
Playing on the playground It was recess and once again I was playing by myself. At just the age of ten, I had gotten used to no one wanting to be friends with me.
"Look there's Rebekah, she's all by herself because no one loves her. That's why she has no daddy." The other kids started to tease laughing as they walked by kicking the sand at me. I tried not to let them see the tears fall down my face. I did have a daddy but he stayed in the dark to keep me safe so that I was not forced to grow up in the public as he had been. I had a great daddy but they would never believe me. So I sat until recess was over trying not to cry.
I was sitting in the backseat of mom's car as we were on our way to meet dad for dinner. Mom and dad had been dating again for the last few months and it felt like we were going to be a real family. Plus my dream was coming true and I was going to be a big sister. I was the first person mom told because now that I was 10 I was able to not tell dad so we could surprise him when he got home from a trip. I was excited and could not wait for dad to know and then I got to be a big sister. I couldn't wait.
Mom and I were singing along to the radio and were close to home when bright lights came at us and slammed into the car. We started to spin fast and I was feeling dizzy. Once we stopped mom looked back at me as I started to cry. I was feeling funny and scared.
"Baby are you alright, Look at me, baby?"
"Mommy I don't feel good."
"I know but help will be here soon."
"I want daddy"
"I know he will be here, don't worry."
"I'm sleepy"
"I know but you need to stay awake baby ok, help is on the way just keep those beautiful eyes open for me."
I heard sirens and a lot of things going on then mommy was talking and said to help me.
A lady walked up to me.
"Hi sweetie we are going to make sure you are ok and get you out of here, how does that sound?"
"What about mommy?"
"My friend is helping her but I am going to help you alright."
"Ok" I watched as people were walking all around and then they were taking me from the car and then mommy was taken as well. They started to wheel me away from her.
"I want my mommy"
"I know sweetie but we need to take you to a hospital so you can both be checked out. When we get there we can call someone to be with you. Do you know who that would be?"
"My daddy, we were going to have dinner with him."
"Do you know his number?"
"Yes, I do."
"Alright, when we get there we will call him and have him come to be with you and your mom. Have you ever been in an ambulance before?"
"No, is it scary?"
"It's kind of loud but I will stay with you. How does that sound?"
"I would like that." She then stayed with me until we got to the hospital where they did call dad and he was on his way.
I lay on the bed and listened to the beep around me. I didn't like the smell and the lights hurt my head but I wanted to wait for daddy and mommy even though I wanted to sleep.
The door finally opened and a nurse brought in dad.
"Daddy" he came over and carefully pulled me into his arms.
"Baby girl, you had me so worried."
"Daddy it was scary and loud, They won't let me see mommy."
"I know baby they are still helping your mommy."
"I hurt daddy."
"I know baby and I'm going to do everything I can to make you feel better I promise." I then lay with daddy while we waited for mommy.
After what felt like a really long time the doctor came in and talked to dad and said that they would move mommy and me into the same room.
Once we were in the same room and settled daddy went to call Peggy and let her know what was happening. After he helped me to sit on mom's bed with her.
Mommy looked over at me and I saw she was sad.
"What's wrong mommy, they said we would be ok."
"I know baby and I am so glad you are alright. But you know how you were going to be a big sister?"
"Yes, we still need to tell daddy."
"Baby, when we were in the accident the baby got hurt."
"Is the baby going to be ok?"
"Sweetie the baby died."
"But daddy doesn't know yet and we were going to be a family."
"Baby we still are a family no matter what happens. This baby is now with grandma and grandpa. You have an angel sibling."
"Will I ever have one I can play with?"
"No baby, when they were helping me to get better they had to do another surgery and now I can't give you a baby brother or sister anymore."
"I don't understand."
"I know baby, one day you will but I am so sorry this is my fault."
"No it's not mommy, don't worry I will always be your baby."
"I am so glad, but sweetie we can't tell anyone about the baby."
"Why not? Daddy will want to know he won't be mad at you."
"I know but I don't want to hurt your dad."
"Are you hurt mommy?"
"I am sad"
"Don't worry I won't tell anyone then. I love you, mommy."
"I love you, my sweet baby." Mom kissed my head and pulled me close to her.
At 15 I quickly got used to the life I lived with Dad in the spotlight and mom working a dangerous job. Others thought I didn't have parents that cared when I did and I had a lot of other people there for me. It didn't help though that I had to keep all of it a secret.
At school, I was just Rebekah not Rebekah Stark but no one.
"Look out for the RAT don't want to get anything she has." The mean girls said walking past. I guess I wasn't a no-one in school but I was Rebekah Amilia Thompson at school, a fake name to keep me safe but then the kids thought of the nickname RAT which was worse than being invisible.
"Stay out of our way, no wonder your parents are not around, they knew you would be nothing but a waste of space."
They walked away laughing and I made my way into the bathroom where I let the tears fall quietly.
"Mom, why do you need to go?"
"Because people need my help."
"Why does it have to be you, you were supposed to be here. You were going to help me get ready for the dance. I have never gone to any and now you are missing it because some random people need help and there is no one else that can help."
"I know baby and I am sorry, I want to be there for you. I am going to try so hard to get back in time for your dance and see you all dressed up but I need to do this."
"First dad is always gone and now you. Both of you are never around anymore. Am I not enough for you both?"
"You are my whole world and your fathers but we also need to keep on appearances to keep you safe and out of the light. You know this because we have talked about it. I know it is hard but I hope someday soon we can be open about you being our daughter and we don't need to worry about your safety but right now we need to be careful. There are people who would take you and hurt you if they found out about you. That is something your father and I would never live with ourselves over. I could never see my baby hurt."
"I am when you both always leave me."
"I know but you are staying with Natasha and you love her."
"Because Aunt Peggy is getting worse and soon she won't even remember me."
"I know that it has been hard for you to watch Peggy go downhill but that does not mean that she doesn't love you with all of her heart. You are one of her favorite girls and always will be. I promise you the minute I am done I will come back, alright?"
"Alright"
"I love you, baby."
"I love you too, just hurry back as fast as you can and be safe."
"I will, I will always come back to you."
I hadn't planned on going to prom but when Jason asked me I said yes. He had always been nicer to me than the other kids and while I was nervous I was kind of excited to have a normal high school experience before graduating in a few weeks.
"You look really nice."
"Thank you" we walked into the dance and I looked around. I hoped this night would be amazing. We danced to one song before his friends called him over and I spent a good part of the night sitting at a table by myself.
They were announcing prom king and queen and I was only half paying attention.
"Your prom Queen Is Rebekah Thompson '' I looked up and everyone was looking at me. I had no idea what was going on but I could tell something was wrong. Slowly walking up to the stage I got up there and the crown was put on my head. Just as they stepped back I was covered in ice cold water that came pouring down on me. I looked around and was dripping wet. Everyone started to laugh and the principal tried to quiet the room but it was no use. I took off the stage and ran out as I got to the hall, I slipped from being wet and fell. Once I set back up my leg was throbbing and when I looked at it I saw blood starting to run down it. I got up and walked out as fast as I could, pulling out my phone from my bag and making a call.
"Nat, I need you to come and get me."
"What happened, what's wrong?"
"Nat, please come and get me."
"I'm on my way, I will be there In a few minutes."
"Please hurry," I say trying to hold back the tears.
"I am, I promise." I sat outside and waited for Nat to come and get me.
When I woke up I heard beeping and looked up to see both dad and Peggy sitting in chairs.
"Hey baby girl I'm here," dad said walking over to me.
"She's gone daddy, and I couldn't stop it. She died and I couldn't help her."
"Baby girl it is not your fault do you hear me. Nothing that happened was your fault and your mom would not want you blaming yourself. She loves you and so do I. Nothing that happened could be or ever will be your fault."
"I just want mommy" I cry out to him.
"I know, baby girl I know, '' he pulled me into his arms and I cried while he held me tight.
I was standing at mom's funeral with dad and Peggy when I saw Phil and Mel with Clint and Nat. Peggy saw them and gave me a look. Dad was talking to people so I figured I would be able to get away for a moment.
"Dad, I'm going to talk to some people mom worked with." Dad looked hesitant about letting me go but Peggy spoke up.
"I'll go with her."
"Alright, I'm right here if you need me." I gave dad a quick hug and Peggy and I walked over to the others.
"Hi love, how's things been with your dad?"
"Alright I guess, I don't think he knows what to do or how to help me. I know he is trying though which means more than anything else. I just wish things were different."
"Are you going to be moving to Malibu then?" Nat asked me.
"At the end of the month, we will be. After I graduate."
"Are you walking with the rest of the class?"
"No Clint, I will be getting my diploma and everything but dad arranged for it to be done in private that way no one else sees who is there."
"I know that all of this is a lot for you but we are here for you in any way that you need us to be little ladybug."
"I know and thank you, Phil. I just don't know what to do at this point. Things feel like they are falling apart all around me."
"Love, it's going to be alright," Mel said as she pulled me into a hug and I started to cry.
"It's ok love I have you. I won't let go." I stood there in Mel's arms and cried while she reassured me that she had me and they were all there for me.
It was three days after the funeral and I was at the school with Pepper getting my things and turning in the last few assignments I had so that I was able to graduate early still. I was pulling the rest of my things from the Locker as Pepper was talking to the principal when some of the kids walked by.
"Sadly her mom died to get away from her."
"Now she goes to the foster system where no one will want her just like her parents." They start to walk away laughing and I finally have enough. I slam the locker shut and look at all of them.
"Why don't all of you just shut up, you don't know anything at all. I have listened to you make fun of me and do horrible things to me and I am sick of it. I do have a dad who I am going to live with, who loves me and wants me. My mom was killed because she did a job that keeps all of you safe. You want to be a jerk and act like you're better than me when one day you will work flipping burgers while I will have an amazing job and be surrounded by all of the amazing people that love me and chose to be in my life. So why don't you all just back off and stay out of my way because I am sick of all of you and after today I am glad I don't ever have to see any of you ever again." I start to walk away to meet Pepper in the office.
"By the way, you should get to know me by my real Name Rebekah Stark."
Dad and I were in Malibu and I had just woken up. I was in bed asleep after dad carried me to bed last night after we had watched a movie when we got home from dinner. It was my birthday and I was now 17 but I was not sure if I felt like celebrating with it being my first birthday without my mom. I walked downstairs still in my PJs and heard dad and Pepper talking.
"How bad is it?"
"It's not good."
"What do we do?"
"Talk to Rebekah and see what she wants."
"Talk to me about what?"
"This" Pepper tells me and turns on the tv.
"Does Tony Stark have a new lady in his life? He was spotted leaving a very nice restaurant last night with a mysterious girl and for his birthday. Is one of the most eligible bachelors off the market." They continued to go on but I tuned them out.
"They think I'm your new girlfriend?"
"Apparently, I guess they think I have to be dating every woman they see me with. We will take your lead, what do you want to do?"
"Well, I don't really like the idea of the world thinking that I'm dating my dad. So I guess we could tell people. I mean I am 17 today and I guess it's okay if people know about me. We can handle whatever comes from it."
"I got pretty lucky with such an amazing daughter. Happy birthday baby girl." He pulled me into a hug and I just let dad hold me.
A few weeks later I was home waiting for dad to get home when my phone started to ring. I looked to see who it was and saw Phil's number.
"Hi, Phil what is up?"
"Rebekah I need to talk to you."
"Phil what is wrong, what's going on?"
"Mel and I were on a mission and it didn't go as planned."
"Is Mel alright?"
"Physically she will be but I don't know what happened in there but she's different and I don't know if I will be able to help her."
"Where is she?"
"Not talking to anyone."
"I will try to contact her"
"Just don't be hurt if she doesn't answer right now."
"I know Phil, I will talk to you later."
"Be safe little ladybug."
"I will, you be safe as well." We said goodbye and then I tried to call Mel which went unanswered and while I understand it, it still hurt more than I thought it would.
Dad had been gone for a month and a half and I had been running Stark and trying to keep up with SHIELD but slowly felt like I was drowning with everything.
Pepper and I were in the car with Happy heading to the house after spending the day at Stark. I had been busy trying to find a way to not have us as a weapon company for the last few weeks and I felt like I might slowly be getting there. I was lost in my thoughts when all of the sudden another car slammed into us.
There was glass flying and the screeching of tires and I could smell gas and felt a little out of it. My ears were ringing and I felt a little dizzy. Looking up I saw the other car pull away and leave.
I could not process what was going on.
"Rebekah" I could hear my name but it sounded so far away.
"Rebekah sweetie can you hear me are you alright. Look at me." I looked over and was finally able to focus on Pepper.
"Pepper"
"Yes sweetie, are you ok, are you hurt?"
"I don't know."
"We need to get out" I hurd Happy say up front. The smell of Gas was getting stronger and I was starting to smell smoke. I looked up to see a fire had started and Happy was getting out. I saw Pepper unbuckle and I tried to unbuckle as well. But I could not unlock it. It was stuck and I could not get it undone.
"Pepper it is stuck." She tried to help and could not get it.
"Happy we need help." He came over and when he could not get it he went to the front and grabbed something. The fire was spreading and I could hear sirens but knew they would not get here in time. Happy came back with a pocket knife and cut my seatbelt before helping me out through Pepper's door as mine was not opening. I got out and Pepper started to look me over before we saw the ambulance and others pulling up.
Everything started to check up on me and it started to get hard to breathe and they were trying to look me over but I could not focus on them.
"She lost her mom in a car accident. I need to calm her down, her dad is missing and she is having a panic attack." I heard someone else say something but couldn't understand what it was.
"Rebekah sweetie, look at me. I need you to breathe with me." I looked at her and tried to follow her breathing.
After a few minutes, I felt like I could breathe again and I looked to Pepper and then to Happy who was talking to the cops.
"Are you ok sweetie?"
"We were in an accident, we could have died."
"I know sweetie but we are all going to be ok."
"Someone wants me dead Pepper."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because of how they hit us and I felt like someone has been watching me. Pepper I think this has to do with dad."
Then I tried to understand it all.
I was on a mission with Phil and we headed to the warehouse to follow the guy we were looking for. We went in and before I knew what was happening we were in a shootout. I had never had to use a gun in the field before and I knew what to do. I was not too sure that I would be able to pull the trigger.
Things went quick, bullets were flying everywhere and that was when I saw a younger girl with a gun that was raised at Phil.
"PUT IT DOWN, YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS '' I yelled out to her over all the fire and then she pulled the trigger and I pulled mine. She went down and then they got the other guy. Running over to her I kicked the gun away before getting down and putting pressure on her wound.
"Come on stay with me," I told her as I called out for a medic to get in here. Phil walked up behind me.
She closed her eyes and I knew she was dying but I had to fight for her.
"Where is that medic?"
Phil got down and felt for a pulse just as the medic was coming in.
"You have to help her, she's just a kid," I told them and Phil knotted before coming over to me.
"Rebakah, she's gone, you need to let her go."
"No, I can still help her."
"I know you want to but there is nothing you can do." I start to cry and Phil pulls me up and away from everyone."
"No, I need to help her."
"She's gone, there is nothing you can do."
"I killed her Phil"
"No, you saved me and the others. You saw what the rest of us missed."
"Phil, she is just a kid."
"I know ladybug, I know." With that I fell into his arms and cried my heart out. I never thought I would be here and take a life just six months into the job and never thought it would be a kid.
"I can't breath"
"You're having a panic Attack sweetie breath with me ok."
I tried but I could not calm my breathing and then it was just darkness.
We were all on the helicarrier and I was listening to them fight and started to have a hard time breathing. I tried to get them all to stop fighting but it didn't work. Fury saw me and quietly whispered
"Go find Coluson and stay with him tell you are calm"
"Can't, need to keep them from fighting." The arguing continued until the explosion happened and I was regretting not finding Phil when I had the chance.
I was on the ground trying to get people to safety when I hurt voices that were stuck in my head no matter how hard I tried to forget. I turned around to see some of the kids I went to school with that made my life a nightmare. They were stuck and an alien was heading toward them. For a moment I thought about walking away and letting whatever happened happen but then I thought of mom and Phil who always helped people and I made my way to them as Steve showed up and killed the alien before letting them all out and telling them to get to safety. I watched them run away and didn't know what to think or feel. Steve saw me and walked over to me.
"Are you alright, are you hurt?"
"What no, I'm fine, there is just a lot going on. I guess I just needed a moment to catch my breath."
"Are you sure you are fine? I can get you out of here."
"I will be alright Steve really, just needed a second but there are still people who need help so we both better get back out there."
"Don't overdo it, you were already hurt."
"I will be alright Steve I promise." Then I took off to help more people and tried to lock out how I paused on helping people.
It had been a week since Phil's funeral and I had asked Fury to let me see the footage of what happened but he said no. I just knew I needed to see what happened so that I could know If I would have been able to do anything to save him or stop what happened.
I waited for Fury to leave for his meeting before sneaking into his office, something I had done plenty of times and even did with Mel and Clint to play pranks on Fury back in the day. I quickly went to his desk and pulled up the video footage with ease and took a deep breath before pressing play.
I watched and felt my heartbreak as it played out. Then when I watched Phil be stabbed through the heart I felt like I could not breathe. I cried as I watched the rest and they called the time of death.
I was sitting at the grave in front of Phil's tombstone and looking at it.
"Hey Phil, you know today is your birthday and I had no idea what to do. Usually I would bring you a birthday cake slice and sing and we would have lunch together. This year feels so wrong though. I miss you like crazy, we all do. I have seen Mel and she misses you so much, more than I think she is willing to let herself. Don't worry though I am looking out for all of them. I know what you're thinking. If I am looking out for all of them, who is looking out for me? Truth is I don't know, everyone thinks I am so strong and I have been handling everything so well and truth is I have no idea what to do anymore. I just feel empty. I got you a gift though, I had Steve sign the Captain America cards for you, I would leave them with you but I know someone would take them so I will hold onto them for you. I'm so sorry that I was not able to help you like you always helped me, Phil. I wish I would have been able to save you but I fell'd you Phil and I will always be sorry for that. I miss you Phil so very much. Tell mom I said hi, Happy Birthday Phil, I hope you enjoy it with your parents. Love you." I set for a few moments before leaving.
I was going through old files and footage when I came across one that took me by surprise. It was the night of the accident that killed my grandparents.
I sat there watching and felt tears come to my eyes as I watched it play out. I could not believe what I was seeing and then something clicked in my head. Pulling out other pictures and things I saw that the Winter Soldier killed them and then made the connection that it was Bucky, Steve's friend that he thought was dead, who was the Winter Soldier. Hydra had turned him into their own weapon and I had to find a way to stop it.
I felt as if I had so many conflicting things in my head. People told me they loved me and how amazing I was. People told me I was nothing and not loved or wanted and that I never would be. I felt like I was falling apart and had no idea what to do or how to fix anything at all. I knew that I had done horrible things and as memories were playing in my dreams they became nightmares and I was seeing that maybe I had become the villain in the story without even realizing it. This is what it felt like to fall apart.
I shot up in bed having a hard time catching my breath but was able to after a moment. After dealing with a lifetime of panic attacks I was getting pretty good at it as long as I didn't let it get too bad. I got out of bed and started to throw on clothes. I had no idea where I was going but I had to get out of here.