My alarm clock rang. I woke up immediately and turned it off. I layed quietly listening to Olivia's body next to me, but she was sleeping soundly.
It was five in the morning, and my alarm didn't ring by accident. Now I would get up, get dressed, and leave. I'm also not going to have any more contact with Olivia. Because when I'm around her I have no control.
I climbed out from under the warm blanket and put my clothes on somehow in the half darkness. I couldn't help myself and took one last look at the sleeping Olivia. She looked beautiful, but that was the last time I'd look at her like that. Very slowly, trying not to breathe, I lightly touched her warm cheek with my lips and then left the room.
I walked through the familiar kitchen and noticed that the picture of me and Olivia hanging in the frame was gone. I looked at the chair that we bought together a fee years ago in antique shop, I could easily imagine Olivia sitting there in my T-shirt, legs tucked under her chin, sipping coffee with her hair tangled from sleep. That's what I had to imagine now, but I used to see that picture a lot.
I was no longer going to stay here. I put my shoes on at the front door and walked out of her apartment, trying not to make any noise.
It was freezing outside in the morning, so I wrapped myself in my thin, short denim jacket until I got to the car.
It got a little warmer there and I made it home without incident on the almost empty roads. When I got home I just put on my pajamas and went to bed.
I woke up with a heavy heart in a late lunch. Got up, took a shower and made myself some coffee. Chatted with my friend on the Facetime and looked around. I didn't feel like cooking or ordering delivery, and my head felt heavy from all the thoughs So I got dressed and decided that the best option is to go for a walk. I walked listening to music and thinking about my future life as I realized that my feet led me to mine(abd Olivia's) favorite café, where they sold delicious coffee and where I really liked strawberry cheesecake.
My stomach reminded me very loudly and furiously that I hadn't eaten since I woke up, so I went in and got myself a sandwich, a cheesecake, and a huge cup of coffee.
I sat down at a table by the window and got through my meal in no time.Finally, after I was done, I leaned back in my chair, sipped my coffee, and looked out at the road.
"May I join you, or will you run away again?"
Hearing those words spoken in such a familiar voice made me choke on my coffee and cough.
"Hey, are you okay?" Olivia asked, tapping me on the back "don't die just yet, we need to talk"
I didn't answer anything,just looked at her as she awkwardly removed her hands from my back.
"I should probably go order some coffee, don't you think?Please don't go anywhere" she said nervously holding the bag in her hands
"Sure," I said, and faked a smile.
And Liv saw it, but didn't say anything.
What could I do? Putting aside everything I'm feeling, there's one simple thing that comes out: it hurts to see Olivia. From understanding... A lot of things. And at this point, seeing her try to make up things between us and knowing that I wouldn't let that happen and it would end up hurting the two of us even more made the situation just awful.
"Here I am, thanks for waiting," Olivia said as she sat down at the table with a cup of coffee.
I recognized the coffee right away, just from the smell. It was her favorite one here, the one she always got. I looked at the cup in her hands with a sad smile
"How did you find me?" I asked, sipping from the cup to somehow break the awkward silence between us
"I was going to the studio but saw the sign and decided to come in. This is our place."
It really was our place. We first came here when we were 15 and just starting to be friends, and it was the first place we went hanging out together. Over the years it became a tradition and now a bittersweet memory of the good times.
"So much has happened here," I smiled.
"Oh yes...How's your family? I haven't seen them in a long time" asked Olivia.
"They're fine, don't worry. What about yours?"
"Fine too...can I ask you a question?"
"If I say no, you'll ask it anyway."
"Are you happy?"
The question got me in disbelief. Not because I didn't know the answer, but because I didn't know how to tell her I was unhappy that she wasn't with me.
"I...I don't know. Going back to my normal life and everything...so pretty good I guess"
"Does that guy makes you happy? The one you kissed at the AMA?"
"Ron?" I wanted to answer yes, but she will know I'm lying, she knows me too well "we're not dating and we won't, we don't have feelings for each other. It was just stupid kiss"
"Is it true that you disappeared because of how bad you felt? Because of how bad I made you feel?"
Even though I didn't mean it, those words gave me a short, wicked laugh.
"No offence to you, but don't think too high of yourself. I needed some changes in my life that's it," I said sarcastically, because despite everything, there was still resentment in my heart at what Olivia had done.
She bit the inside of her cheek, clearly uncomfortable. Maybe she wanted to ask for forgiveness, but I wasn't sure I needed it. I'd already decided how to end things between us, and she was only complicating things
I took her hands in mine and looked her straight in the eye.
"Olivia, I couldn't make you happy, but that doesn't mean I don't want you to be happy. I want that more than anything in the world. So please, for our both sakes, let's move on and don't look back. It's not worth it."
Even though I had planned it as a rather cold farewell, as soon as I began to speak tears came to my eyes. Olivia's eyes were wet from the start, since it looked like she'd been crying before.
"We didn't work out, we have to accept that"
"It's all bullshit, I can't lose you."
"We already lost each other three months ago."
"I can't, you deserve better than that."
"Neither do you," I squeezed her hand gently in mine.
"Then why did you do what you did last night?" Olivia asked.
"Would you call it a parting gift?" I smiled nervously "I wanted to love you goodbye and we were drunk so I guess our hormones just out took our common sense, you know "
A tear rolled down Olivia's cheek. She expected differently, and I knew it. But I had to let her go, for her own good. She would find happiness with someone else, and that was why I was pushing her away.
I took a napkin from the table and wiped a tear from Olivia's cheek. She sobbed and grasped my hand.
Even though she brought me a lot of pain, it was still hard for me to see her crying and crushed. I clenched my teeth so that my jaw hurt and gave my face the most nonchalant expression possible.
After that I stood up and walked over to her.
"Part of me will always love you Liv, no matter what we've done" I whispered "you're the best, but I'll keep you out of my life and you should do the same"
"O would have never kissed you in that fucking house if I knew how this would end, if I would known that I have to lose you" she said.
She raised her crying eyes and I touched my nose to hers and kissed the top of her head.
"It's too late to think about it, don't you think"
Our last kiss would be just that. With one last squeeze, I released her hand from mine, left the tip and walked out of the café.
Olivia stayed there, watching my figure recede until it was gone. I walked down the street looking down, all my strength focused on not crying right there.
And when I somehow made it to my apartment, as soon as I closed the door behind me, sobs came pouring out of me. I couldn't stop, the tears streamed down my face and I shuddered and sobbed.
I shouldn't have felt bad, but I did. The pain was tearing me from the inside out, squeezing my throat and keeping me from breathing.
I stretched out on the rug in the hallway, curled up and clutched at the lint in the carpet with a dead grip.
"I'm sorry, Liv, I'm so sorry," I whispered like a prayer.