Kim Hongjoong: Good morning. How are you today?
Kim Hongjoong sent a photo.
Kim Hongjoong: Baby, I hope you're fine and eating well. Please take care of your health.
Kim Hongjoong: Good night, sleep well.
Kim Hongjoong: The bed's cold without you. I mean it.
Kim Hongjoong sent a photo.
Kim Hongjoong: I miss you.
Seonghwa gritted his teeth as he saw the last message from the lawyer.
I miss you.
Those three words...
He wanted to say them too.
He missed Hongjoong too, so fucking much his heart hurt.
Hongjoong hadn't been reluctant to message him every day despite Seonghwa's lack of response.
He kept telling Seonghwa to take care and asking about his day and sending pictures of him on the bed, at the office, in the car.
And Seonghwa just wanted Hongjoong to stop, please, because it was getting harder and harder every day to resist the temptation to run back into Hongjoong's embrace.
The embrace which would disappear regardless of if he let himself drown in it or not.
Seonghwa hated this feeling.
"You know what?" Tzuyu said quietly beside him as she was watching her best friend get gloomier day by day.
"I think you should just message him back."
"And what? Get myself to fall for him some more?" Seonghwa asked with a bitter smile.
"He's acting too sweet and I hate it. I want him to hate me, Tzuyu, I'd rather him to act cold and cut me out of his life. I want him to stop treating me as if his feelings were real."
"What if..." Tzuyu halted and bit her lip, "What if he really loves you?"
"What part of 'The Submissive is not allowed to feel romantic emotion towards The Dominant' did you not understand? He wants us to be no strings attached. He wants us to be fake. This is all fake, Tzuyu."
"But, I think his attention to you is far more sincere than being fake."
"Stop." Seonghwa replied weakly.
"Don't say that, please? Don't let me hope for something impossible. It hurts enough for me to bear with him being like this. I don't need some more poison to delude myself into believing that he loves me, because he doesn't. Please, I beg you."
The girl let out a long, frustrated sigh.
"Alright. I'm sorry."
Seonghwa locked his phone and ran a hand through his hair.
"Just please help me get through this. I'm fed up with being an overreacting, broken-hearted bitch all the time. I'm tired of crying and hurting."
"Oh, Hwa." Tzuyu pulled him into her arms and began to soothe him because he needed this.
He needed some moral support since he wasn't strong enough to let Hongjoong go alone.
He needed his friends to get through this.
Seonghwa was no stranger to a broken heart, but this one was definitely the most painful.
The rest of the day had gone slowly.
Seonghwa couldn't even remember how his day had gone by because his head was so filled with the theoretical scenario he had to face when he met with Hongjoong later.
And the next thing he knew, he was in the shower with Jongho in the stall next to him after practice.
He knew that Jongho could tell something was going on with him, and he was grateful that Jongho kept his scolding and teasing to a minimum towards him because he was sure he would've gone lashing out if someone or something had annoyed him.
At the end of the day, they parted and Seonghwa decided to take the bus to reach Wooyoung's apartment.
He knew the bus would take longer and he had to catch a second one later because there was no bus going directly to Wooyoung's neighborhood, but it was what he was seeking in this moment.
He needed solitude to contemplate.
Seoul in the night was pretty, Seonghwa could find some solace to soothe his heartache and headache.
Seonghwa reached Wooyoung's apartment just to find it empty; Wooyoung was still at work and San was still at the studio.
It was lonely and Seonghwa couldn't help but let his mind wander to Hongjoong.
Did his penthouse feel really lonely without Seonghwa?
Did the penthouse feel cold?
Hongjoong had always told him that he made the penthouse a home, but in this moment, Seonghwa didn't even know if it had been true or not anymore.
The words on the third page of their contract were haunting him, even in his dreams, and he was tired.
He was so tired.
Suddenly, he felt the door behind him hit him on the shoulder, the impact made him stumble forwards and fall to his knees with a groan.
"Oh, shit!" San's deep voice came.
"I'm sorry, Hwa. I didn't know you were there. What are you doing in front of the door anyway? Did you just get here?"
Seonghwa glanced at the clock and realized he had spent a good thirty minutes just standing in the foyer like an idiot.
No wonder his legs felt a little numb from not moving.
"Yeah," Seonghwa lied and kicked his shoes off while he was on the floor.
"I just got here."
San reached out a hand to help Seonghwa stand and took off his own shoes.
"Wooyoung is going to be late. He said he has something to take care of. I'm a disaster in the kitchen so I bought some food. Or you can have take-out if you don't like Chinese food?"
"I'm okay with Chinese food. Here let me help you." Seonghwa reached for the white plastic bag in San's hand.
"Do you want to take a shower first or?"
"Yeah, or do you want to first?"
"I showered after dance." Seonghwa shook his head.
"I'll heat this up while you shower."
"Thanks, Hwa." San grinned.
"And let's eat it in front of the TV. Wooyoung usually doesn't let me eat in the living room, but well, men could enjoy a night without being so uptight, couldn't they?"
Seonghwa barked out laughter.
"Will it be okay though? Won't Wooyoung be angry if he finds out?"
"Then don't let him find out." San said with a mischievous grin.
"You can keep your mouth shut, can't you?"
Seonghwa made a zipper gesture over his lips and pretended to throw the lock out of the window.
"My lips are locked forever."
San ruffled Seonghwa's hair and continued walking towards the bathroom, whistling with a huge towel draped over his shoulder.
Seonghwa watched San until the bathroom door closed and he finally dropped his facade.
He sighed inwardly and looked at the bag in his hand.
He was hungry and the food in the plastic bag smelled so good.
So, Seonghwa didn't waste his time and started heating the food up.
All contents of the boxes of food had been served on plates when San finished his shower and he helped Seonghwa bring all of the dishes to the living room.
The rice was hot as Seonghwa took it out from the rice cooker and everything looked good.
San brought over two cans of flavored vodka-mixed drinks and poured them into glasses with ice cubes.
With low volume playing from the TV to make it a little bit livelier than the both of them, San and Seonghwa started eating.
"Oh, damn, this is delicious." Seonghwa moaned at the tasty flavors hitting his tongue.
"I know right?" San chuckled.
"This is from mine and Wooyoung's favorite restaurant."
"You guys have great taste." Seonghwa said and took another huge bite.
They kept chatting over their meal, throwing jokes around or talking about Wooyoung occasionally.
After they had washed their dishes and grabbed some cans of beer, the laughter subdued into small chatter.
"I'm glad you feel better." San suddenly said.
Seonghwa looked up from his beer.
"What do you mean?"
"You've looked so gloomy and sad for the past few days and both Wooyoung and I thought there must be something going on with you. But, you look a little better now." San elaborated with a small smile.
"You know Wooyoung's worried about you, right?"
"Yeah, I know." Seonghwa sighed, feeling guilty for making his best friend so worried.
San halted for a while to observe Seonghwa's forlorn expression and then pulled him into a side-embrace.
"I'm probably not the right person to say this, since you're clearly closer to Wooyoung than me, but I just want you to know that it's okay to lean on your friends when you need strength. Whatever is bothering you, you can always share it with me or Wooyoung or your other friends, we're willing to help."
Seonghwa pressed his lips together and snuggled closer to San's warmth.
"I know."
The front door suddenly slammed open and Wooyoung walked into the apartment, raising his eyebrows at both of the males on the couch.
"Do I need to get jealous or?"
Both of them pulled away with disgusted 'ew, no' in unison, and Wooyoung laughed at their priceless faces.
__
Green leaves turned into brownish orange.
Flowers withered away and the temperature dropped.
Autumn drizzles started coming more often than not.
Outfits changed.
Seasons changed.
People changed.
Seonghwa was no longer sensitive about Hongjoong and he could recall his time with the lawyer without feeling like crying every time now.
Hongjoong's messages came less frequently than before, now coming once every two or three days.
Yes, it still hurt, but it had been a little over a month now, and Seonghwa was feeling a little more like himself.
His graduation was planned to be in February next year, which meant he had to finish his final thesis, at least, by the end of December, which was about three months from now.
He didn't have any missing or late assignments, his tuition fee was all clear, the mentor for his thesis was kind and he didn't have any remedials to do.
Tzuyu had a boyfriend now, a junior from her major named Changkyun or something.
And although she spent her time with her boyfriend a lot, she also always made time for Seonghwa.
No one could replace their time together during lunch, not even her boyfriend, and Seonghwa was so glad since he didn't have many other close friends.
It was the end of September and Seonghwa decided that he had to deal with his problem.
He couldn't run away from Hongjoong forever.
It would hurt like a bitch not to see the lawyer's smile again, but he could rely on his friends to raise him up from the ground when he fell.
He was sure of that.
He also thought he was getting better at coping with anything Hongjoong-related.
"You'll help me to get through this, right?" Seonghwa asked Tzuyu during the lunch time, playing with the soup in his bowl on the table.
There was a halt before Tzuyu could register what he had said all of sudden, but then she smiled.
"That's what friends are for, Hwa."
Having the reassurance he had known he would've gotten without him even having to ask, Seonghwa nodded and took his bag, "I'm going, Tzuyu."
"That fast?"
"I want this over with. I've run away for long enough."
Tzuyu gave him an encouraging smile and a pat on his shoulder and Seonghwa left the university, a certain destination on his mind.
__
Mingyu, the bellboy, seemed genuinely surprised to see him there.
Of course, it had been a while since the last time he had stepped into the luxurious building.
Seonghwa didn't give Mingyu enough time to greet and to ask about it, though, as he took the elevator and pressed the familiar button.
When he reached the floor where Hongjoong's penthouse was, there was a small voice inside of him begging that the password he had remembered and wouldn't forget anytime soon was wrong so he wouldn't be able to enter the place where the lawyer lived.
But of course his prayer was futile, the blinking red light turned green with a soft beep after he had punched in the number, and then there was a click from the door telling him that it had been unlocked.
Sighing, Seonghwa pushed the door open.
It hadn't been that long since he had left, but the rush of longing suddenly felt so overwhelming that he had to choke back tears.
He thought he had gotten over it.
He had been so, so wrong.
Nothing had changed from Hongjoong's penthouse, but it surely felt much lonelier and colder there, far more than the last time he had snuck in.
It more-so just felt like the first time Seonghwa had entered the space to sign the contract.
There was a tug in his heart when he saw his blue mug, or the mug that used to be his, on the small flower-shaped mug holder sitting on the kitchen counter.
Still there.
He was surprised Hongjoong hadn't thrown it out after all he had done to the lawyer.
Moving on, Seonghwa realized Hongjoong also still kept the rack for his bags that the lawyer had bought for him and placed near the walk-in closet.
Still there.
The small silly figure of Donald Duck he had bought at Disneyland during their vacation in Tokyo was still placed on top of the TV stand.
Still there.
When he walked into the bathroom, he bit his lip as he saw his toothbrush still hanging beside Hongjoong's.
Still there.
Well, the lawyer had changed his to the new one with a different color, but Seonghwa recognized his.
In the closet, Hongjoong had hung the oversized hoodie that Seonghwa had accidentally left but never cared enough to come back for on one of the racks, and it was then when Seonghwa broke down.
He didn't cry.
Not yet.
But he crouched down in front of the rack and breathed heavily against his knees, hands clutching his jeans.
Why was it there?
Why did Hongjoong keep it?
How far would the lawyer go to keep up this act?
Until Seonghwa was broken to the extent he couldn't be fixed?
Until Seonghwa disappeared and left with so much sorrow and anguish and longing in his heart?
Or until Seonghwa begged for Hongjoong to have him for a real relationship Seonghwa knew he would never have?
Until what?
Until when?
Crying inwardly over his bruising heart, Seonghwa walked out of the closet and threw himself into the bed.
The bed that smelled like Hongjoong yet felt cold without his presence.
The bed where they had sex for so many times.
The bed where Seonghwa let himself foolishly fall over, over, and over again for the other male.
The bed which became a silent witness to his broken heart.
The tears almost broke out once again, but he attempted to hold them in with all of his might.
He wouldn't cry.
Not here.
He swore.
Seonghwa swore it would be the last time he would let himself hurt over his feelings for Hongjoong.
The man who would always be impossible to have.
He swore, God, he swore this was the last time and then he would move on.
After this was over, he would be free.
He would be back to the Seonghwa before he had met Hongjoong.
He would move on and find the right person for him, and he decided he would forget about Hongjoong.
Forget about his sweet smile.
Forget about his raspy yet soft voice.
Forget about his warm embrace.
Forget everything.
Seonghwa would forget everything about Hongjoong.
He would try hard to throw the memories with Hongjoong away.
He had wanted to keep them at first, but now he just wanted to dump them away so his life would go on peacefully.
He knew it was impossible to do it instantly; it would take time, a while, or months or even years, he wasn't sure, but he would heal.
Seonghwa swore he would heal.
With the thoughts written boldly in his mind, Seonghwa fell asleep with Hongjoong's scent surrounding him, lulling him into the deepest slumber he had in a while.
__
Seonghwa was awakened by a hand on his head, stroking his hair with such familiar gentleness, and his heart screamed all over the place.
When he opened his eyes, he could see Hongjoong looking down at him with tender eyes and a small, uncertain smile on his lips which Seonghwa was aching to kiss but he couldn't.
Gathering his power, Seonghwa pushed himself up and Hongjoong's hand fell down naturally to his cheek, caressing the small spot under his eye just like the lawyer had often done before all the drama had happened.
He knew he should say something.
He knew he should talk to Hongjoong about them and their contract, but his voice was suddenly stuck in his throat when Hongjoong leaned in just to rest his forehead on Seonghwa's shoulder.
Hongjoong seemed so tired and Seonghwa hoped it wasn't because of him, because the last thing he wanted was to make Hongjoong stressed because of his stupid, childish self.
He could feel Hongjoong breathe him in and Seonghwa finally let his guard down a little bit so he turned his face to bury his nose in Hongjoong's soft hair.
"I'm so happy." Hongjoong said suddenly.
"Hm? Why?" Seonghwa whispered back.
"Because you're here now." Hongjoong explained.
"Because you came back. Because finally I can see you again, hug you again. I can feel you again. I was so worried because you rarely replied to my messages. And whatever I've done to you, I was wrong, I'm sorry. If you don't want to talk about it, it's okay, I respect your choice, just please forgive me, baby. I've missed you so much."
Seonghwa let out a shaky breath upon hearing the confession.
He knew he was weak to Hongjoong's sweet talks, he was weak whenever the lawyer showed him treatment which showed him how much Hongjoong treasured him.
But he also knew everything was faked.
It was all an act.
Hongjoong had a duty to take care of him and protect him.
Hongjoong had a duty to make Seonghwa feel accepted and loved, although all of it wasn't from the lawyer's heart.
Yet Seonghwa couldn't help but to fall over and over again for Hongjoong's charm.
It was exhausting and painful.
Fueled by the strength he had gathered during his time away from Hongjoong, Seonghwa finally closed his eyes and swallowed the lump in his throat.
"Hongjoong," he said whisperingly like he hoped Hongjoong wouldn't have heard that.
"Let's stop."
Hongjoong's hand which had been stroking his side stopped and he heard Hongjoong say, "What?"
Sighing, Seonghwa pulled away from Hongjoong's arms and dared himself to see directly into Hongjoong's beautiful eyes, saying,
"I want to stop. Let's stop-let's stop us, Hongjoong."
Seonghwa could see Hongjoong clench his jaw.
And then suddenly Hongjoong stood up just to walk away from the bed, making Seonghwa want to pull Hongjoong back so he could feel the other's warmth.
Making him want to take his words back.
The lawyer stopped in front of the huge glass wall facing the night view of Seoul.
"So, this is what you want?" Hongjoong asked, back still facing Seonghwa, "To stop?"
Seonghwa heard the shake in Hongjoong's voice but he shrugged it off, reassuring himself that it was only a part of him that was hoping the lawyer would show a mutual feeling, which he still thought was impossible to happen.
He looked down to his lap and said, "Yes. You said in the contract that I could stop anytime I wanted to in the beginning. So now I want to stop. Let's stop."
The lawyer didn't reply right away and the silence was so heavy Seonghwa could feel his shoulders drop in fear.
He really hoped Hongjoong wouldn't get angry with him because parting from Hongjoong without mutual agreement was the last thing Seonghwa wanted.
Even though his heart ached, he still didn't want to let Hongjoong go with anger.
He didn't want to make a bad last impression.
"I see how it's come." Seonghwa heard Hongjoong say and his heart clenched to hear such a cold voice.
When Hongjoong turned around to see him again, though, Seonghwa couldn't help but flinch because the Hongjoong he had known was gone, replaced by the Hongjoong he had met the very first time Seonghwa had gone to his office for the interview.
There was no warmth in Hongjoong's eyes.
There was no softness in Hongjoong's expression.
All he could see was the professional mode Hongjoong had shown him when he had talked with Jihyo, his secretary, or the man that picked them up in Japan, or whenever Hongjoong had spent all weekend mornings awake and reading whatever thing related to his job on his work desk.
All business.
And by now, Seonghwa was sure that what he had thought was true;
Hongjoong only cared for him and showed him how precious he had been during their contract.
It was all an act.
And it burnt Seonghwa's hope to the ground.
Into ashes.
Oh, Tzuyu wouldn't believe it when he told her later.
Holding back the tears, not wanting to show the lawyer how weak he was, Seonghwa nodded, repeating his request.
"Yes. I want to stop."
"I understand." Hongjoong nodded curtly.
"I'll contact you when I finish with the revocation letter. During the time, you can stay here or anywhere else you find most suitable."
Seonghwa bit his lower lip and took the bag he had abandoned at the foot of the bed.
"I'll stay at Wooyoung's place."
Hongjoong nodded again, "I'll take you there."
"You don't need-"
"The part of the contract also said I had to take care of you during the time of it. It's still not officially revoked yet and it's too late for you to go out alone." Hongjoong said, walking towards the glass bowl near the TV, where he usually put all of his keys, and took his car key before turning to Seonghwa.
"So, I insist on taking you there."
The statement was caring and simple.
It was just Hongjoong being a good dom like usual.
But if he had loved how Hongjoong had been so caring about his wellbeing before, now he felt degraded.
He knew Hongjoong didn't mean any harm by saying that, he knew Hongjoong just wanted to help him to get Wooyoung's place safely, yet Seonghwa took it as an offense.
Seonghwa gripped his bag tight to hold himself from lashing out and said through his gritted teeth,
"Yes, I've been your submissive for half a year. And yes, I've let myself be manhandled around. But, it doesn't mean I'm weak. I'm still a man and I can take care of myself." And then he adjusted his bag on his shoulder as he walked towards the front door.
He turned around just to see Hongjoong still standing in his spot, car key still in his hand, with such an unreadable expression on his face.
"You should throw my stuff away. It's not like I'm going to use them again anyway." Seonghwa added and then he bowed politely.
"I'll be waiting for you to contact me, Hongjoong-ssi." He then left with a dull thud of Hongjoong's door behind him.
The drizzle started when Seonghwa was walking fast towards the station where he could take a subway straight to Wooyoung's neighborhood.
While people started running around to find shelters, Seonghwa stopped dead in his track, feeling the droplets start to get heavier on his body.
He turned around to see the luxurious building once again and his eyes were getting blurry.
Whether it was his tears or raindrops on Seonghwa's face, no one would know except for him.
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