Chapter 30
Survive
No matter how hard I tried to explain that I never wanted that to happen, nobody seemed to listen. They silenced me. They showered me resentments and agitation. And I accepted it all.
"You took advantage of his love for you! You are a kid?! No, you are a stupid kid!" sigaw ni Zage sa akin.
It was okay, but it hurt. I was young, but the pain was there.
"Stop it..." It was Rhione. The one who always try to come in between. Pero alam ko rin na... nagalit siya sa akin.
Sinundan nila ako sa chapel ng hospital sa araw na 'yon. I wanted to pray. I wanted to ask if I could trade my life for Sean. Kasi nasasaktan din ako na nasasaktan sila dahil si Sean 'yong nawala.
I realized... I was special, but of course, there's someone more important than me. It was Sean. Ilang years nilang nakasama si Sean kumpara sa akin.
I was crying. Mag-isa ko lang sa harap nila. Takot ang nakabalot sa akin. They were so mad.
"Tang ina, Rhi!" Doon na umiyak si Zage. "Wala na si Sean. Sean is gone because of that girl!"
"He saved his sister, and there's nothing wrong with that!"
"And you believe her?! Do you fucking believe her? If I know, she's just fabricating stories. Ang akala niya hindi tayo magagalit sa kan'ya. Hell! I fucking despise you! And I don't think I will forgive you!"
Umiyak na rin si Rhi. It looked like she's confused. Siguro naniwala rin siya na gumagawa lang ako ng kwento.
I told them someone wanted to come after us. Sinabi ko rin na hindi ko alam na ipupunta ako roon ni Sean, pero walang naniwala sa akin. They believed otherwise. That I dragged Sean on that place. That I used my spoiled card to summon him. So he'd do what I want to happen. Hindi naman gano'n ang nangyari.
It's breaking me since I'm the only one who knows the truth. No one will trust you in the end. You'll try all you can to persuade them of the truth, but they'll never believe you.
It was okay for me. It was death, not just a simple misunderstanding. If I were in their shoes, I'd probably not believe in a heartbeat, too.
"I swear... I tried to stop Kuya---"
"Stop lying. We are aware that you will always push for what you desire," said Tiago. He was calm, but I know he was seething in anger.
I sobbed and stepped back. The reality hit me. Wala na along matatakbuhan. Sean is gone, and Zoren is grieving. I don't know where he is now. I am scared to see him, too. He might... push me like the others.
Tumakbo ako palabas. Ashanti shouted for my name, but my eagerness to run away got the best of me. They're hurting, and I know, the pain is getting intensified every time they glance at me.
I found myself in a gallery. It was a small room with abstract paintings. Those pieces complement the things I've been going through. Hard to understand.
I was crying when I saw Maddizon walking slowly, eyes on her feet. She looked exhausted. Describing her, she was losing herself. Hindi ko alam, pero parang ang bigat ng awra na dala niya. It seemed like... there was something more than my brother's death.
Gradually, her eyes met mine. Her tears started pooling down like falls. I was scared, but I was still hoping she'd be the one to comfort me. I was hoping she'd believe me because aside from my brothers, she knows me better. She knows Sean better. I thought it would be easier for her to believe my explanation. But no.
She slapped me.
I couldn't explain what I felt when her palm hit my face. It was my first time to be treated that way. And I never expected I'd experience that at my age... where rainbows and flowers were supposed to bloom.
They hated me so much to hurt me that way. I lost Sean. I lost them, too.
"I can't believe this..." she cried. "Why do these things have to occur all at once?!" She was down on her knees. "I can't do this... I can't!"
I was crying. And I cried harder when she held both of my shoulders. She was trembling. I could see how fucked life was in her eyes.
"Alanis... Why do you have to ruin everything?!" she shouted. "The only thing we always ask from you is to listen! Listen!"
I wanted to run away, but her hold was so tight.
"Why did you have to bring Sean with you? Huh?! Maybe... maybe Zeus was right. Alanis... siguro... sana ikaw na lang and mag-isang pumunta roon."
She continued to speak, but I couldn't comprehend a word she said. My head was muffling her words. Everything was a hazy fog. Everything was monotonous.
"You're h-hurting me," nasabi ko dahil masyado nang mahigpit ang hawak niya sa akin.
Her nails dugged on my skin. Both physical and mental pain attacked me. It was unbearable, but I was trying.
"Sana ikaw na lang!"
Nang makalayo ako sa kan'ya, umalis na ako. I took the chance to run away from them. From everyone wanting me to die. Kasi ramdam ko sa oras na 'yon, gusto ko na lang din totohanin ang kagustuhan nila. I was thinking that maybe it would make them better. But as I grew, I realize it won't. I dont' want them to live with guilt, thinking they are the reason of my death.
Nurses tried to come to me. The more they come closer, the faster I run. Sa mga oras na 'yon, si Sean ang gusto kong puntahan. He was so good at comforting. He always understands me. I was devastated. It was so hard to accept the truth. Especially that no one was helping me get through it.
I stopped running when I saw Zoren. He stopped, too. He was crying and I felt even worse. Siguro dahil halos lahat ng nilapitan ko ay tinalikuran ako kaya naisip ko rin na tatalikuran ako ni Zoren, o mas masaklap ay ipagtatabuyan din.
But he didn't.
It made me cry when he chose courage to step closer to me rather than hatred. Mabilis ang naging pagyakap niya sa akin.
"I've been looking for you," he whispered while crying. "Where have you been?" he tried to make his voice softer than usual, pero dama ko ang pagsusumamo roon. He was hurting just like everyone else.
"I am sorry... I am sorry we lost Kuya Sean..." I cried while feeling the warmth of his embrace.
"Shhh, it's not your fault. I believe you..." he whispered while hugging me so tight.
Gusto kong isipin na naninwala nga siya, pero may kakaiba sa yakap niya. It was like he was convincing himself to believe in everything I said. Hindi siya naniniwala, pero sinusubukan niya. He's not fully blaming me, but a part of him still does.
"I am sorry, Kuya! Sorry! I didn't like what happened. I-I promise..."
Tumango siya nang tumango habang pinupunasan na ang pisngi ko. He looked so hurt. Hopeless.
"No one liked it. Not even you. I know..." he whispered. "Don't believe them, okay? Don't believe... Zeus. He was just hurt. He didn't mean it. We love you, Alanis..." He assured me.
"It's o-okay..." I cried. "I-I understand them... I am hurting them. Saying those words probably comfort them. It's okay..."
Mas along naiyak doon si Zoren. I can remember how tears started to rush down again. He was smiling, kind of telling me how proud he was. Pakiramdam ko masaya siya dahil nakaligtas ako. Na kahit mahirap, lumalaban ako.
There were so many hurtful words were thrown at me. Kahit ang mga Tita at Tito ko, lahat din sila ay nagalit. Palagay ko, kahit sino naman siguro ay magagalit. They knew me as a spoiled daughter who gets everything she wants. One cry and they'll give me what I want. It was so hard for them to believe the truth because it contradicts the attitude I have.
That's when I realized that people's choices and attitudes are not permanent. People can make decisions out of their character. That was the thing they failed to understand before.
"You ruined our life."
"You ruined this family."
"Maybe you are not really the miracle we believed you are."
"It was supposed to be you."
"I will never forgive you."
"We will never forget this stupidity that you did."
"Seeing you makes me puke. I don't want to see you ever again."
"It was your fault."
"You don't deserve Sean's love."
"You killed your brother."
I screamed while crying. My heartbeat was like a bass drum beating. I pulled my own hair, feeling fucked up. The room was dark, the window was open, and the wind was blowing the curtains. I was scared. I was alone.
It wasn't just a dream. It was a memory.
It's been a long time, but I am still not healing. I am not forcing myself to heal. I am taking my time, but guess the universe has its own way of bringing me back. It demands it in a ruthless manner. In a forceful way.
I rested my head on the bed's headboard. My breathing was shallow and labored. I feel as though I've drowned and on the verge of death. The river was the memories I've been avoiding— the reason I always run away.
I hugged my white pillow while watching the curtains dance with the force of the wind. Tears remain dropping smoothly. I bit my lip while imagining Sean watching me.
"You're probably hurt to see me like this..." I whispered.
Maybe he's here? He said... he will watch me grow. He's probably here.
"I wish you're proud of me... I am now facing the demons that are keeping me stuck inside a black hole."
I closed my eyes when I felt a cold touch on my skin. I know it's just the wind... but what if it's true? That dead people can choose to stay or leave. What if he chose to stay... to keep his promise. To watch me grow?
I sobbed while feeling goosebumps all over my body. I am not scared. To be honest, I felt better.
Like the sun, we will always find a way to survive to keep radiating sunshine.
We may feel unloved, but the truth is, we are loved by many. We couldn't just see it. We couldn't feel it. Because we believed... running away from them is always the better choice. What if it's the opposite of it? What if staying is the better choice?
Days became weeks, weeks became months...
"Why were they after us?" I asked my grandfather.
I used to believe that everyone had shut me out, but as I reflected on the past, I understood that certain individuals had remained by my side. Comforting memories were just erased by a great deal of grief.
"We rule the business world. Some dirty people want to cut tentacles, they know it would make me weak. The empire weak..."
I was too young to understand. I barely understood.
They want anyone of us to die that night. Hindi lang ako, hindi lang si Sean, kundi ang iba pa. That's why they forbade us to attend the foundation night. They didn't want to lose anyone of us. But then it happened.
"Another reason... Some races believe that you brought luck to our empire. We are not fortunate like this before you were born..."
I was in my bed, and Zandro was telling me stories I never heard before. Nasa bintana siya habang pinapanood ang madilim na kalangitan. He came after visiting Sean's burial...
"They believe you are the reason for our unwavering wealth..."
Sobs came out from little Alanis' lips. All along, it should've been me. For some reason, it should be me. That heightened my understanding as to why they were mad.
"T-that's why... they want me g-gone?" I asked, shaking.
Lumapit kaagad sa akin ang matandang Montevinski para daluhan ako. Tumabi siya sa akin para mayakap nang bahagya.
"You're more than just our wealth, darling," my Lolo whispered gingerly. "No one deserves death because of wealth. Not you. Not Sean."
"It should've been me..."
"It could be anyone from all of you."
"No one was supposed to die if not because of me..."
"No one was supposed to die if not because of those greedy monsters."
Umiyak lang ako sa dibdib ni Lolo Zandro.
Before, I do not understand why people have to resort to ruining others. Now, I know why. People's cups will never be full of satisfaction. There will always be a space for envy and unending desires.
A vain reason to get someone's life. Sean didn't deserve to die for that reason. No one does. I will never stop saying that he didn't deserve death from greed and unsatisfied people. No one can ever take someone's life for personal gain or reason. Never.
"Are you sure you don't want to visit your brother?" Mommy asked the night she came home from the burial.
"I want to..." I whispered. "But I won't."
I wanted so much to stay beside him til his last stay here with us. Gustong-gusto ko na ako 'yong katabi n'ya, binabantayan siya. But I couldn't do it. I was too scared to even attempt of going. I wanted so much to see him. To mourn him with my family, but I just really couldn't.
Tuwing gabi, hindi ako makatulog. Iyak lang ako nang iyak. To think that I'm never going to see him again, and I am just inside my room crying makes me feel all the bad feelings someone could ever feel.
Whenever they leave me alone in my room, I was beside my window.
"I want to see you," hikbi ko.
Every passing hour, I couldn't calm down. The eagerness in me was torturing me. The pressure. The regret. The devastation. The fear. Everything all at once.
"Do you want to visit Kuya Sean?" Zoren asked when he came home, looking so exhausted from everything that was going on.
Nakatingin lang ako sa bintana. I didn't mind looking at him. I didn't mind answering. Patuloy lang ang pagbagsak ng mga luha ko habang sinusubukang magkaroon ng lakas ng loob para samahan ang kapatid ko sa kan'yang... mga huling oras sa mundong ibabaw.
If only we could demand courage easily. Unfortunately, it's harder than we think.
"Baby, Sean is waiting for you to visit," Daddy said when he came home, probably to get something, or to check me up before going back to stay beside Sean.
I bit my lip, faltering any sound from my sob. Hindi ko alam na nilapitan pala ako ni Daddy. He kneeled down and made me face him. That's when I poured it all out. I hugged him tighter. Crying hard and loud.
Taas-baba ang mga balikat ko.
"I want to go. I want to see him. But daddy, I really can't. I-I can't!" I tried to muffle my cry by pressing my face on his chest. Pero kahit among gawin ko, dinig na dinig pa rin ang hagulgol ko.
"We're h-here... I won't let your cousins hurt you. I can... I can make the place off-limits for you. Just tell me if you can do it, okay?"
Umiling ako habang umiiyak.
"I miss him! I miss him so much! I want him back!" I screamed.
"Alanis, baby... he's not coming back. We have to accept---"
"D-daddy, no! I can't. I want him back... I can't imagine him gone in my life! Please! It hurts so much!" I clenched his shirt.
He hushed me while caressing my hair. I can feel that he's just trying to be strong for me.
"I can't, too," he whispered. "But I still have you and Zoren. We can do this..."
"I c-can't, daddy! I... I don't want to stay here anymore... I want to leave."
Hindi ko na alam ang gusto ko, dahil lahat naman ng gusto ko sa mga oras na 'yon ay 'di na pwedeng mangyari. Sean is already dead. I am already hated by my family. It feels like I don't have home anymore. This house was making it so harder for me to feel better. Every corner of our house reminds me of him. Of my Sean.
I was wearing a black dress while watching the rain on my window. Last day of Sean's burial and I was still there... couldn't find the courage to show up. Never brave. Full of regrets.
Every day, my heart feels heavy, but that day... I think my heart was the heaviest thing on earth from carrying so much that couldn't be said in words.
"I understand what's running in your head... but I don't want you to regret one day, Alanis," Zoren whispered when he stood beside me, watching the rainfall on my window, creating drops on the surface of the glass.
It felt cold and gloomy, but the feelings inside me were far worse.
"I'm sorry, Kuya... I can't r-really... go" I whispered, voice was breaking.
I heard him sigh so heavily. When I looked at him, his emotions were vivid. Hindi pa rin s'ya makapaniwala. He looks dying inside. He looks incomplete. We look lifeless. Ang bigat-bigat sa dibdib.
"He will understand you. Go choose what you think is best for you," he said to me. Nilagay niya ang kamay niya sa kabilang balikat ko. He kissed my forehead. "I'll always be here for you. We'll always be here for you," he whispered.
Mom, Dad, and all of my grandparents also went to persuade me to come at my brother's last moment. No one was able to change my mind. One by one, they left... until I was left alone in my room, staring at the window, hoping for a miracle.
I wiped the tears that dropped on the bracelet that Sean gave me. I couldn't breathe properly.
Once again, I couldn't stop crying. I clenched my fist. I wanted to go. I wanted to see him. Pero hindi ko talaga kaya. I don't think I can still survive after seeing him being sent to his grave. Iniisip ko pa lang ay para na akong mababaliw.
Hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kayang panoorin siya sa gano'ng sitwasyon. Hindi ko kayang makita ang pamilya kong nasasaktan. I couldn't stand their anger, their blame on me, their loud cries and grieving. I just couldn't... especially that I was convinced that it was really my fault.
I ran inside Sean's room even though it will send me to the brim of immense wreckage. I went to his bed. I hugged his pillow. I covered myself with his blanket, with his smell.
"Please, come back!" I screamed. "You t-told me... you hate it when I don't get what I want... Kuya Sean, come back to me now, p-please?! I will be a good girl now. Just please... p-please come back now."
Mas along hindi ko natanggap and katotohanan dahil amoy na amoy ko siya sa kwarto. It felt surreal, but it seemed like he was around, even though I am aware it's just his smell.
"I am sorry! I-I... I'm sorry... It's my fault. How about your dreams? Your... promises?"
Every day I wish it was just a nightmare. Imagine how much it hurt to wake up every day just to realize it's not. It'll never be just a nightmare because it already happened.
"H-how about m-me? I don't know how... to live without you at my side... Kuya Sean!" I called him as loud as I can as if he'll show up and will tell me, hey sweetie, it was just a dream, I am here.
"I'm sorry... I can't even send you away. I am sorry... I can't really do it... I am sorry... Don't get mad at me... Be safe wherever you are."
My memories with him flashbacked. Parang sasabog na and puso ko sa sakit.
Who will send me to school? Who will fetch me to school? Who will make me laugh the loudest? Who will call me princess? Who will visit my room to say goodnight? Who will cook for for me if I am hungry? Wala na...
Paano na 'ko? Paano na kami? Paano na siya? Hindi n'ya gustong mawala. I heard him... He was scared! He didn't want to die. Pero wala siyang nagawa kundi iligtas ako.
"Be safe... You can u-use the car I g-gave you to go where you will go... You can be a racer up there, right?"
Who will watch you drive cars now? Paano... paano kung wala siyang kasama roon? Sinong magpapasaya sa kan'ya? Sinong magbabantay sa kan'ya. Wala siyang parents doon! Wala siyang family doon. Nandito kaming lahat...
I wiped my cheeks.
"I am not okay right now... but don't mind me... I'm gonna be fine. Kuya Sean... you are the best. I love you so much... You will always be the b-best man in my life."
I opened my eyes and saw the amber color of the sky. I can hear the waves crashing. Nakahiga ako sa tabing dagat. I can feel the cold wind brushing my skin. The hot water in my eyes is proof that the past visited me again. Isang malalim na hininga ang pinakawalan ko.
I feel so empty. I'm at the point of my life wherein I don't know what kind of life I will have in the future. Sasaya pa ba ako? Babalik pa ba sa dati ang lahat?
I smiled. I've come too far to give up. I am getting better. It still hurts, but I will be fine. It's not forever storms. It's not forever sadness.
"You saved me... I'll survive this."
Para sa'yo, Sean. Para sa mga pangarap mo. Natin.