I wake up the next day with my head hurting. I sit up and look down to find myself naked. I look next to me and I'm alone too. Eva is not here and neither is Ervin. I don't remember what happened last night. After my phone call with Kiri, I drank so much.
So many questions to ask like why am I naked? What happened to the bed sheet? It's gone. Why am I using Ervin's blanket?
I'm about to get off bed when I see Ryujin on the floor curled up into a ball. Why is she sleeping down there?
"Ryujin" I manage to hoarse out.
She groans then slowly opens her eyes. She stretches her body and she makes a face. I think she's sore from sleeping on the floor.
"Oh you're awake" she says while yawning.
"What happened? Why are you down there? Where's the kids? Why am I naked? What happened to the bed?" I rapid fire my questions.
She sits up, "You don't remember anything?"
I shake my head while trying to remember but it's just making my head hurt more.
She looks at me then I become more conscious of the fact that I'm naked. I try to cover myself up with Ervin's blanket it's a bit too small to hide everything.
"I'll be right back" she jumps out of the room, leaving me feel lost with what's happening.
She comes back with the bed sheet and blanket in hand. She covers me up with the blanket and set the sheet aside for now.
"Can you tell me what happened now?" I ask.
She chuckles, "Sure" she sits next to me, "After the party, I tried to get you ready for bed but you had other things in mind. You wanted to be frisky with me so we made out for a little bit then you got naked" she smiles while thinking about it.
But instead of feeling embarrassed, I feel more ashame. I remember what Dylan said last night. In the past, whenever I was drunk or high I become really horny. I acted like my past last night. What would Ryujin think if she knows that's how I am whenever I'm under the influence.
"What's wrong?" She ask me.
"Can I tell you something about myself? But promise not to hate me or try not to see me any differently?" I say while looking down.
"Why would I look at you differently?" She looks worried.
"Just promise" I whisper.
"Okay, I promise?" She says unsure.
I take a deep breath and I start telling her about that part of my life. The drug use, the sleeping with my dealers, how my sex drive increases when I'm high, how Dylan said that anyone would be disgusted once they knew these things about me. The whole time Ryujin isn't looking at me and it's making me feel discourage. Is she actually disgusted by me? I finish telling her everything and there was just silence between us. I want to cry but I can't. I'm afraid she might tell me I'm stupid for crying when it's all my fault. I'm so scared right now but she's not saying or doing anything.
She leans back using her hands support herself on the bed. She looks up and takes a deep breath. "I was hoping since you don't remember much from last night that you wouldn't remember that either" she exhales loudly.
"What?" Is all I can say.
She finally looks at me while staying in the same position, "We didn't have sex last night because after you got naked, you started crying. Scared the shit out of me. I thought I did something wrong. Everything you told me just now, you already said it last night."
"Is that why you're on the floor? You didn't want to sleep next to me?" I ask.
"No" she laughs, "After you cried and talked, you puked then passed out. I cleaned you up the best I could. I took the sheets and blanket to get washed then I came back to find you sprawled up on the bed. I didn't want to risk waking you up so I just slept on the floor."
"I–I already told you everything last night?" I ask in disbelief.
She nods her head. "But why did you want me to forget that I told you? So you can pretend it didn't happen?" I ask.
"Do you really think that low of me?" She furrows her brows now.
"Don't think about what your cousin said last night. Think about us. Think about what you and I have been through. Do you really think that me pretending your past didn't happen would be the reason I wanted you to forget?" She ask.
"No" I answer.
"But I still don't know why you would want me to forget" I say.
"Because last night when you told me, I could see the torment in your eyes. I've never seen that this whole time we've been together. You've always struggled with accepting yourself or thinking you're not good enough for me but I've never seen that look" she pauses.
"I know even if I say it's okay, I accept you or it's not gonna change how I see you that you're still gonna think about it. I wanted you to forget because I didn't want that in your head. You've mentioned your drug history before but that's not what's bugging you. It's what he said to you. Hanna told me all the details you left out in your story. You mentioned Dylan but you never mentioned how he called you trash, about the abortion, and the other things that I know are the ones bothering you the most."
"Don't let him define you. Only you can do that. He doesn't know everything you've went through. He doesn't know everything you've felt. Neither do I. I don't think less of you because of your past. To me, you're still an amazing woman, an even amazing mother. I can see the regret in your face because of that part of your life" she continues.
She's right. I do regret that part of my life the most. I wish I didn't turn to drugs whenever things got tough.
"You're still Yeji and I love Yeji" her whole body faces me now.
"So please, try to ignore his words" she takes my hands into hers.
I can't hold back my tears any longer so I just let them fall.
"So you're not gonna leave me or find me disgusting?" I ask.
She let go of my hands then grabs my face to pull me towards her. She gives one long kiss then I remember she said I puked last night so my breath probably still smells like it plus my morning breath.
I push her away and cover my mouth. "Ryujin! I probably still have puke breath" I exclaim.
"You do" she laughs.
"Then why did you do that?!" My eyes still wide.
"To prove to you that I don't nor will I ever find you disgusting" she smiles.
"But you didn't have to kiss me!" I say.
"Would you have believed me if I just said it to you? No, you wouldn't so kissing you is the only way" she shows her whisker dimples now.
"How do you do that? How do you actually make me believe that I'm not something. Not that long ago, I'm literally feeling so disgusted and ashame of myself but now I just keep hearing you and believing that I'm not disgusting, that whatever I was back then is not who I am now. I started hating myself again because of what Dylan said but here I am telling myself that it's not true. Yes what I was doing wasn't good but it was so circumstantial."
"Because deep down you know its not true" is her only answer.
"I still can't believe you kissed me while I smell like puke."
"Why? Am I supposed to only kiss you when you smell nice? I love everything about you including when you smell" she gives me a smirk.
I press my head on her shoulder, letting the blanket uncover my body. "Stop making me fall for you even more" I say.
"Why? I gotta make sure I won't give you a reason to leave me" she chuckles.
"Also, this is random but how are you sexy?" She questions and I cover my body up again.
"I'm gonna go shower" I say while running to the bathroom.
While in the shower, I just keep thinking how relieved I feel that Ryujin didn't think less of me or find me disgusting. I'm not mad at Dylan though. His words aren't nice but I can see why he would think that. I'm sure a lot of other people would think the same as him but luckily, Ryujin isn't one of them.
After my shower, I see that Ryujin already fixed up the bed and brought me breakfast. "Where are the kids?" I finally ask. I know they're in good hands whoever they're with in the family so I didn't worry much.
"They're with your mom" she answers.
I sit down on the bed and she places the tray of food in front of me.
"I have something else to talk to you about" I say.
"Hmm?" She hums while she plays with her phone.
"Kiri, Dana's sister, called me last night asking me if I can visit with Eva because her dad is not doing well and wants to see Eva one last time" I hesitantly say.
"And?" She continues to look at her phone.
"I'm wondering if you would go with me? I'd go by myself but I'm scared I'll see Dana. His dad has been nice to me so I want him to see Eva again but I'm worried you won't let me or you'll get mad" I explain.
She puts her phone down to look at me, "You know you don't have to ask me for permission for what you wanna do right? Just informing as a courtesy since we're a couple is good enough but yes I'll go with you. I wouldn't stop you from going but I would go with you anyways even if you don't ask. There's no way I would trust Dana not to try anything to see you" She cutely frowns.
"Thank you" I smile at her.
"Eat your breakfast. I'm sure you're hungry and make you drink a lot of water to hydrate yourself and the Gatorade for electrolytes."
I eat my breakfast in peace while she continues to play in her phone. Now I have to tell my sister and mom that I'm going back to PEI. They might be the ones who would stop me.