by Where The Stars End
Lily and James had been friends for over 5 years. They met through friends in high school but as that group fell apart, they moved together. They always hung out whenever holiday breaks allowed. They'd been through a lot in those five years.
James was the first person Lily told about her mom getting diagnosed with cancer. Two months into her mom being sick and Lily hadn't told a soul. She didn't want to be pitted. But she told James everything. Crying during a free fourth period senior year. That same year that James had told Lily about how he missed college application deadlines, and compared to their friends, how adverge he felt.
While they hadn't gotten close till senior year, Lily had liked James since sophomore year. It was during a speech and debate meeting did she see just how sweet he could be. How kind. But alas, it was not meant to be. That very night James asked out Marlene and Lily was left to listen to old Taylor Swift on repeat.
But Lily made herself move on. Though he may not like her back, James was still a wonderful friend. And she wanted him in her life. No matter what. But between fall of freshman year of college and summer of junior year, Lily started to notice things.
Like how he'd talk about this perfect date idea he would have. Or talk about coming to visit her at college, and sleep in a hammock outside her dorm since boys weren't allowed in. How close he'd sit next to her. When ever they sat down to dinner, he'd always picked the seat closest to her when every other seat was open. How he's tease her by throwing his hat on her head and insisting how good she looked when Lily knew she wasn't a hat person. How he'd ask her about his love horoscope from shitty teen magazines in the gas station. Talking to Lily about love and sex, and how he didn't think he could ever been in a relationship because he couldn't be that open and honest. The list goes on and on.
But no matter how long the list got, Lily couldn't move forward. In their five years together, Lily had confessed her feelings twice. And both times she got turned down.
I'm just not what you think you need. He said.
She'd play this line over and over in her head late at night. But you're what I want, she'd think back. Hugging her pillow to her chest before dreaming of the life they could have.
Lily wrote countless poems about him. With lines like,
I want to see the way you see me
How you smile brightest
When I wake up next to you
And how your hand jumps to hold mine
No matter the mood
And,
Being with you is so easy
It always has been
You are the Nick to my Jess
Down to the bangs and bad timing
They spent one night on the beach and she wrote six poems in the span of a day. All about that one night. With the bonfire roaring, James playing Ukulele. Lily laying in the grass trying to make James laugh for his photos. How James walked her to her car, even though it was ten feet away.
And Lily over analyzed everything. How could she not with all the little things he did to drive her crazy! They both loved music, constantly sharing songs back and forth, so she tried not to let her mind run too wild when he played her a song one warm summers eve. The song playing over and over in her head for days.
Say it first
Don't just say it, don't just say it back to me
I need words, use your words to love me actively
Act as if you're actually attracted to me
Say it first, baby girl, say it first
It's just a song she told herself. Just a song. Because if the roles were reversed, and Lily was a man, her actions would be uncomfortable. And stalkerish. And Lily Marie Evans was not a stalker. If a guy friend wouldn't stop persuading his girl friend to date him after she'd already said no twice. Well, he differently wouldn't have friends tell him to ask again. So, since Lily was a feminist and believed in equality, she didn't. If a guy shouldn't do it, she wouldn't either. Plus the ball was in his court. Or at least, that's what she told herself.
So Lily would be friends. He was one of the first people she wanted to tell things about. And loved to spend evenings driving around talking about everything and nothing. And since their friends had already gone back to school, Lily asked him to get drunk on a beach with her. Because why the hell not.
It was the first nice day in weeks. Lily was wearing a corduroy overall dress. Matched with her little spaces buns and winged eyeliner, she felt pretty bad ass. And she didn't think anything of it when he picked her up and drove her to the beach.
"I'm sorry for literally pouncing on you," she said as soon as she climbed into his Suberu. "I know you literally got off work like, ten minutes ago. But it's so nice, and I just want to be outside. Plus getting drunk doesn't hurt either." She shot him a small smile as she slid on her sunglasses and looked over at him.
"No, no it's fine! It is nice and I wanted to get out anyways." By now he's pulled out onto the main road, headed into town. "So where do you want to go?"
"Well, um you're driving and it's your gas so where ever." Lily is trying to be neutral about it. But gas is expensive, and they are poor 20 year olds.
James sighs and grips the steering wheel a bit harder. "Lily don't start with me. It doesn't matter. Where do you want to go?" This is an argument they have every time James drives. He won't take any gas money from Lily, and makes her pick where they go. At this point in their friendship, Lily just knows to let it go.
"I was thinking out the road? You know, the private little beach that you have to hike out to?" James nods.
"Yeah I think I know what you are talking about. So, since I know you won't like beer, I brought some tequila for you? You might want to look up some mixers for yourself."
Lily's already pulling up her phone and reading out possible mixers. "Well, this one says lemonade, and since I'm not a big juice drinker, I'll go with that." By now they are pulling into the grocery store.
"Fuck, that's right. I'm sorry I forgot all about that." The sun was shining down on the two, making James look extra cool in his aviator sunglasses.
"No it's fine, it's not your fault." They are walking together, up to the main doors when they hear a shout from two young women passing them.
"Oh my god! Your overalls are so cute! You look amazing!" Lily's head shoots over and is already smiling at the girls.
"Thank you! 10 bucks from Target!" She yells back. She quickly returns to look at James to see him smiling and laughing at her. "What? Clothing is expensive James. And it's hard to look this cute on a budget." James doesn't say anything, he simply shakes his head and smiles.
Once they've gotten the lemonade, (and some deli Mac and Cheese for James) they are on the road again. Both simply enjoying the sun and the idea of soon relaxing on the beach.
It takes a while to find the turn off, and hike down onto the beach, but one they are there they are happy. James immediately goes over to open a beer, while Lily combs the beach for beautiful rocks. It's not long before she hears him curse from behind her. Lily doesn't even have to turn around to know what happened.
"Did you dent the lip of the bottle trying to open it?" She calls back to him. Lily hears James utter a few grunts before he responds.
"Yeah, I did." Lily doesn't say anything. She simply shifts from looking for beautiful rocks to looking for one that could be used as a bottle opener.
Lily finds what she thinks is a perfect rock and turns around to find James slamming the bottle on a washed up log. She silently passes him the rock as she goes to sit down on the log and play her "Songs to get Drunk on a Beach to" playlist. Lily hears the pop of the bottle.
"You're welcome!" She sweetly calls out to him, but he doesn't hear her. He comes to sit beside her, already sipping the beer.
"The tequila is in the water bottle. I don't know how much you want, but there are a couple of shots worth in there."
"Oh, are you not going to drink the tequila?" Lily was opening the water bottle. Taking a shot of pure tequila.
"Okay first, you are insane. Did you take a shot of pure tequila? And yeah, have I not told you I'm allergic to hard alcohol?"
Lily stopped drinking and glares at James. "Oh my god! You're allergic to alcohol and you took me drinking on the beach! JAMES!"
A sly small came across James' face as he runs a hand through his hair. "Well like not really. I have Asian flush. Do you know what that is?" James was staring off into the water.
"I mean. I think you've brought it up before but I really don't remember." Lily was tasting her drink, trying to see if she had mixed it right.
"Well, ummmm as you know I'm Asian."
"Oh my god, James you're Asian?"
"Shut up Lily. Well Asian people have this thing, where we don't process alcohol like normal people. Well not normal, but… no actually that works here. I don't process alcohol like normal people and it gets trapped in my body. My face gets like super red. Basically I get hungover without ever getting drunk."
James smiles a bit at Lily before rummaging through his bag. Lily watches him pull out a small folded up metal tube.
"Oh my god! You finally got a metal straw! I'm so proud of you! Save the ocean!" Lily smiles brightly at James, already feeling the effects of the tequila.
"Who do you think I am? It's not a straw." James shoots her a smiles as he finishes unfolding the tub to show a pair of travel chopsticks. "Asian remember?"
James grabs his Mac and cheese and starts to go to town. Lily is staring out into the water, watching the sun set as music plays softly from her phone. Lily drunkenly smiles to herself.
"Do you like this song?" Lily is drunkenly humming along. It's a song about love and Lily is hoping maybe James will take the hint. She really wanted the new Taylor Swift album to come up. Anyone could fall into love to Taylor Swift.
James shrugs his shoulders. "It's okay. Where's it from?" Lily just shakes her head. "It sounds like a soundtrack from some movie you told me to watch. Is it from that one movie?"
"No, I definitely wouldn't tell you to watch this movie. But it is from a movie. But you gotta tell me if you like it before I tell you what movie."
"Ummmm, it's okay I guess. Sounds like a
movie soundtrack for sure. Just tell me." James polished off his Mac and Cheese and licks his chopsticks clean.
"Okay, but you," Lily interrupts herself with laughter. "You, you can't laugh at me. You gotta promise me James." Lily can barely get the words out through her laughter. James is already groaning.
"Lily, you know I can't promise that. Just tell me where the song is from."
"It's from the Twilight soundtrack. No don't laugh at me!" James is shaking his head.
"Hey! Those movies may be garbage but the soundtracks slap!"
"Lily, didn't you just reread all the books?"
"Well, yes. Yes I did. But I admit they are garbage. They are horrible. But guess what. I'm horrible too. I'm garbage. But I still love that pile of garbage. But just listen to it! Just listen." And James does. He settles back and listens to the song. They sit in silence for a while until Lily moves the water bottle full of tequila and hears rattling.
"Did you put ice cubes in the tequila James?" Lily is barely holding in her laughter. But she's always laughing around James.
"Yeah? I wanted to keep it cold." James seems lightly upset at Lily, as she's basically rolling on the beach in laughter.
"James! You don't put ice cubes in hard liquor. It waters it down. I can't believe you put Ice cubes in it."
"Well sorry Miss Snob." He's teasing her, but Lily knows him well enough to know he tried to do something for her and she laughed at him.
So Lily stands up. And moves to put on a pair of jeans, as the sun has almost dipped below the horizon.
"These are the pants! The ones that made me realize I'm short." Two weeks ago Lily has mistakenly bought a pair of short jeans and found them to fit better. After having a minor freak out, Lily had measured herself to find that after years, she was actually 5'4" not the 5'6" she had always believed. Naturally, Lily was devastated. James simply said how it opened up her dating pool as guys wanted short girls.
James looked over to see the said pants to see Lily stripping.
"They're so small." He chokes out as he quickly looks away. Lily scuffs as she pulls the pants up around her hips.
"I'm wearing shorts. You don't have to look away." Not that Lily would care if he looked. She had worn her really cute maroon underwear today anyways.
James simply nods but continues to look away until Lily sits back down, pants securely on. James quickly moves up and dumps the rest of his warm beer out on the beach.
"It's gonna get dark soon, and I'd rather not walk through the woods in the dark."
Lily agrees and they pack up their things. Headed pack into the woods.
"Are you good James? I know you only had a beer, but I just want to be sure." James turns around to look at her and smiles.
"Nah, I'm good." They hike back up to his car. The sun has already gone, but the stars come out to join the two friends. Casting down the stars loving rays.
The drive around in comfort silence. Every once in a while Lily will drunkingly mumble about something, and James would humor her, with a loving smile on his face.
Then Lily hears the song that's softly playing through the car.
Do you wanna get married
At the Cherokee Cemetery?
Where the blue grass creeps over deep
Decades of devotion
Warm underneath the frost
We can build a home in a bush of azaleas
Dress it up in true morale paraphernalia
You'll never be alone in your bad dreams
Because together we could never be lost
"Oh I LOVE this. What's it called?" Lily asks. It's another song he's given her about being in love, and Lily is really trying to not make it seem like something. But it is a good song.
"Wonderfully Bizarre." Is all he states. And Lily tries to hum along even though she's never heard the song before.
They drive around until Lily feels like she can fake sober around her mom. She's still slightly tipsy but she feels soft and light and ready for bed.
"Hey, thanks for hanging out with me. I really enjoyed it." Lily smiles down to herself as she gathers her things.
"Not a problem man. I like hanging out with you too." Lily softly calls out a goodnight and climbs out into the cold night.
Lily quietly comes in the house. She knows her mom will be awake waiting up for her, but her sister will be asleep. And waking up Petunia before work tomorrow is never a good idea.
"Hi Lily." Her mom softly calls out. Lily is slipping of her shoes and soft calls back.
"Hi Mum." Lily slides past her and heads to her room when her mom calls back to her.
"Lily, could you come here please?" Oh shit, Lily thinks. While her mother doesn't not approve of her drinking, she would prefer if Lily didn't do it. And Lily doesn't want a lecture.
"Yeah, sure mom." Lily brings herself back to the living room and makes herself sit down on the couch and act as sober as possible.
"So, this is kind of awkward but as your mother I have to ask. Do I need to put you on birth control?" Of all the things her mother could have said, that didn't even make the list.
"What? I'm sorry I don't understand. Why do I need to be put on birth control?" I'm not sober enough of this. Lily chants over and over in her head. Her mother looks slightly confused but pushes on.
"Well, if you've been dating James since last year I just figured…"
"Mum! I'm not dating James. We're just friends. I swear it. I don't need to be put on birth control." Lily's face is so red. God, how embarrassing! To have your mom think you've been dating your friend for over a year! God, Lily wishes.
"Oh, okay. I just thought… well. Go on to bed then. Good night love." Lily nods and heads off to her room. She collapses into bed.
Birth control. That's so funny and stupid. Without really thinking about it, she grabs her phone and texts James.
Lily: You are never going to guess what my mom just asked me
Lily doesn't really think about the fact that she'll have to tell James her mom has thought that they've been dating for a year. And that she thinks they are sexually active. Oh god, good thing she's still tipsy.
James: what did she say?
Lily has to pause and think. Maybe he'll think it's as funny as she did. Maybe.
Lily: Well, apparently she thinks we've been dating for a year. A whole year! And she just asked me if she should put me on birth control. I can't believe it. That's so funny!
Lily watches the three dots appear and
reappear several times. Over ten minutes later Lily is starting to regret telling him when he finally responds.
James: Oh huh. Weird
That's it's. Weird? That's all he had to say about it. Lily thought that was the end of the conversation until she felt a small vibration.
James: My parents think we are dating too. Have for a while
Lily calls him.
"You're parents think we are dating!? How long have they thought that?" Lily practically screams into the phone. Petunia be damned.
James chuckled. "Easy, Evans. And remember earlier in the summer? When there was an accident on the freeway and you stayed at my house? I guess since then." Lily deeply sighs.
"James. Your parents have thought we'd been dating for almost three months." She sighs deeply again before rolling onto her stomach.
"Yeah." Yeah. That's all the man has to say. Yeah. "I mean your mom thinks we are sexual active."
"AHHH! Don't, don't say that." Lily chokes out. She's realizing how hard this conversation would be.
"What? You don't have to have sex with me Lily?" James has a teasing tone, but Lily can hear the actual question in it.
"James." Lily sighs for what feels like the fourth time in two minutes. If she was sober she wouldn't say it, but Lily is not sober. "You know the answer to that."
"No, Lily. I really don't."
"James. I've asked you out twice. You know that I like you." Lily can't believe they are having this conversation. After five years, they are finally talking.
"Lily. That was over a year ago. Feelings change." James sounds so tired.
"Not for you. Not for you." She whispers. They sit in silence for a few minutes before Lily counties on. "You are the one who told me you're not what I need."
"Because I'm not! Lily. I don't think I'd be a good boyfriend. I can't be emotionally open for a relationship. I can't be what you want." He sounds so pained. Like it's all he wants. Lover is running through Lily's head.
"What do you call what you just did James! We talk all the time! They only one holding back us is you. You've said all the time that Nick from New Girl is the closest you've ever felt to a fictional character. Sirius calls me Jessica Day all the time. Do you know how often I see things Nick does that is exactly what you do? Conversations they have that is almost word for word what we've talked about?"
"Lily, we can't base a relationship on a tv show!"
"We can when the are going through the exact same thing!" Lily's voice cracks. She can feel the tears starting to leave her eyes. "Do you know how hard it is to be turned down twice? How bad it feels? I asked you out twice James. Twice."
"Lily. It had nothing to do with you. I just wasn't ready."
"Wasn't or aren't." Lily finds herself asking. It's so small that Lily thinks James didn't hear her. And honestly, would that be a bad thing?
"Honestly, Lily. I can't have this conversation with you when you are drunk. Not like this." Lily feels the tears start to run down her face.
"Just answer the question James. Wasn't or aren't."
"Lily, it's not that simple.."
"Yes or no James."
"Lily…"
"James. Please. Please." Lily knows her mom and sister can hear her but she doesn't care.
"I- I've liked you for a long long time Lily." Lily chokes out a sob. He said it. He finally said it. "But I just don't know if we can make it work. We don't even go to the same college. Do you really want to put in that much effort?" James is crying now too. This moment is five years in the making. Five whole Goddamn years.
"James. You are worth the effort. Just let me be your Jess. Please." Lily hears nothing from the other end of the phone. No breathing, nothing. "James?" Lily asks. Her voice muffled by her fingers in her mouth. Chewing her fingernails is a habit she thought she'd gotten rid of years ago. But it's all she can do now. And it's all she can do to hold back a sob when she hears the dial tone when James hangs up the phone.
Lily doesn't make a sound. She simply changes into her pajamas and curls up into a ball. She doesn't know what's worse, not knowing and constantly guessing or knowing and knowing he still doesn't want her.
Lily hugs her pillow to chest and allows a few more tears to leak out. Being rejected for a third time really was not how she expected her night to go.
It seems like it's not much later when Petunia is pounding on her door.
"Lily! It is almost midnight! Turn down your music!" Lily wipes the snot from her hand and sniffles as she shouts back.
"I'm not listening to music!" Lily is desperately wiping at her face, her sister would never let her live it down if she saw her crying.
"Well someone is blasting this god awful love song, and I just know you are involved!" Petunia is still pounding on the door.
Lily jumps up and throws the door open.
"Tuney, I am NOT-" and that's when she hears it. So faint in the late hours.
Oh, I remember you drivin' to my house in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh
When you know you're about to cry
And I know your favorite songs
And you tell me about your dreams
I think I know where you belong
I think I know it's with me
"What in the hell…" Lily moves slowly towards her sisters bedroom window. The music is getting louder. She slowly opens the blinds. And the sight there makes her hand fly to her mouth.
James is standing there with a boombox, playing old Taylor Swift. Singing along, very badly, to a song about being in love with your best friend.
"Hi Lils." He calls out to her. He sets the boom box down and moves up to the window. "I thought this would be better done in person. So I came to your window." He looks so uncomfortable, and Lily knows how much he put out there to come to do this.
"Well, it would have been very sweet. If you had come to my window. But this is my sisters window you ninny!" Lily's grin is one of the largest she's ever had. And yet James' smile is still bigger.
"Ahhh well, you win some and you lose some. And I'm tired of losing you." James is quick to reach through the window and pull Lily to him. Crashing her lips to his. Lily sighs deeply, but this time it's in happiness.
Lily could care less about everything else in her life. She could care less that she is still slightly drunk and that she can taste the beer on his lips. She could care less that Petunia is screaming through the house that Lily is kissing a boy though her bedroom window. All she cares about is the man in her arms. The what the next five years will bring.