Hikari ignored Rin as he called for her. she can't hear anything, if she did, she couldn't really make sense of it. It can't be, right? it just can't be.
maybe there was a counterfeit Haitani out there, wishing to be half the man Ran was as he foolishly decided to get the same tattoo. or Haru could've been wrong. no, Haru was too smart to be wrong—I should've asked more. what was the color of his hair? was his voice deep? did he smile often even when there was nothing to smile about? Ran did. he did.
"what am I thinking, really," she mutters to herself incredulously. this was only a part of grief—denial.
but just how long will she be grieving him? a dead man should stay dead even in her mind, in her heart more so.
"Hikari." Rindou's voice finally penetrated through the deafening thoughts of Ran, and she looks up at him in surprise.
"what's wrong with you?" he asks.
she blinks a couple of times, scanning her eyes around her. they've already arrived at the penthouse and she had bolted straight to her room. except this wasn't her room. maybe for a while it was.
"did you need something?" she looks up at Rin again. when he lets go of his hold on her arm, only then did she realize they were even touching. she steps back, and he pretends to not notice her deliberate distance.
"what?" she repeats.
do I need to have reason to call for you?
of course I do.
Rin grimaces as he looks away for a while. "you just seemed out of it. what are you even doing here anyway?"
"I wouldn't know, I was just out of it as you said," she mutters.
he nods, clearing his throat as he glances at the door to Ran's room for a while. Hikari made a point to never go in it again ever since...well, ever since she thought he died. he doesn't know if she really loved Ran. they were complicated, but he acknowledges that they were a pair.
Hikari eyes him, difficult questions on the tip of her tongue.
"Rin..."
"what?"
she bites the inside of her cheek, and he could see the conflict in her eyes. hesitantly, he reaches to touch her hand. he doesn't know why he wants to, but he does. she doesn't resist him, making him wonder how he'd even find it in him to let go.
it was his way of saying that she could talk to him. that he was here. and he was messy and probably the worst man she'll ever meet, but he didn't plan to be the worst towards her. he'll notch down his bad personality—that's what he'll do; what he's already been doing.
"what is it? I won't get mad," he murmurs, sliding his thumb against the back of her hand. when he does so, she pulls away like she'd burned him.
his voice was so soft that Hikari momentarily forgot about everything else. there was movement in her chest, it was probably her heart, already gone insane enough to skip a beat for Rindou.
"nevermind, goodnight," she shortly says.
Rin scoffs, somewhat wounded that she recoiled from his touch. he didn't touch women like that—he's never had any reason to hold their hand. yet this girl...he chuckles.
"whatever. goodnight, Hikari."
she watches as he walks away, their rooms on opposite sides of the space. as he turns the corner and disappears into the next hall, she lets out a breath she didn't realize she was holding. she'd become familiar to the sound of his footsteps, and when she can no longer hear them, she turns and makes her way to her own room.
Hikari makes an effort to not cast a glance at his door, knowing that if she'd enter, she'd leave missing him more than she already did.
+++
Hikari and Rin skipped dinner that night, both not liking the idea of bumping into each other again for the rest of the day. Rin was tired, so he had no problems sleeping right away—although he was cursing her name until he lost consciousness. Hikari, however, paced back and forth in the space of her room. for more than a hundred times now, she's turned over Haru's words in her head.
there were far too many possibilities, and each one she could consider except for the hope that he was alive. he's dead.
he's dead.
"he's dead."
and when she still couldn't kill that part in her heart that longed to search for him in this cursed world of the living, that foolish part that told her that maybe he was still here, she says it again.
"he's dead, Hikari. he's dead."
"he's dead."
and without knowing, her voice cracked. she stopped pacing and crouched down to the floor. she wrapped her arms around herself—it gave her no comfort, it only told her she was alone. she was fine. she was supposed to be fine. she's been fine for weeks now.
unbearable. it was too painful. she can't breathe properly. she could feel herself tremble, even her bones felt cold. she felt hollow. she missed him, and right now, she'd trade her soul to get even a single glimpse of him. was that too much to ask for? then could she beg for the slightest of his touch, if not, just even a whiff of him then?
please.
come back.
put me out of my misery.
she's never been able to see his dead body, and she was thankful for it. she's been to his grave. she thought that Ran couldn't possibly be six feet under her—she couldn't feel him. because he's dead, but he just might not be.
he can't be.
denial. just how long will she grieve Ran?
eager for him, she stumbles her way past her door in a fit of hysteria. the walls were blurred, and it was dark. she couldn't see well and her mouth felt dry. for the first time in her life of misery, she was sure that she couldn't possibly feel greater pain than this.
she finally reaches his room and she opens the door. it looked the same, how kind of the maids to maintain the room of its dead owner. he wasn't here. she was right. he really is gone, there was no return.
Hikari walked over to his closet. it was full of his suits—god, he'd always been so handsome in them. he always was.
she pulls one of them down clumsily from its hanger. a purple suit. he loved purple. purple was his color—purple was him. just him. nothing else. down on her knees, her throat erupts into sobs as she hugs the fabric to herself.
"come back, come back to me."
hope was such a scary thing. because she really had been fine. she had cried for his death, and she had mourned by drowning out reality. but what Haru said—to think that maybe he was alive. how cruel. he was dead, she didn't need flimsy ideas. her desperate mind would believe such lies.
the soul is bound to thee, it's what he'd engraved in the ring. but wasn't it the other way around? it was her soul bound to his. Hikari's soul wasn't here anymore, wherever Ran had gone, he took every bit of it with him—because every bit of it was his.
"Ran," she'd cried. she no longer recognizes her voice.
her chest tightened and breathing became impossible. air had abandoned her too, her lungs burned in need for it. she felt like this hell would never end. she was dizzy, she wasn't in her body. make it stop.
then it did. air was still yet to find her again, but the cold rushed out. she was in a blanket of warmth, and her blanket was alive—breathing. he was here. she cries, and his gentle voice soothes her.
"it's okay," he said. "I'm sorry."
and he sounded like he meant it. all she wanted to say was that she can't breathe, but it seemed he realized it as he pulls away. he called for her and she saw his lips move, but she couldn't hear. if she could only hear his voice, maybe she'd find her way back to earth. she's had enough of this hell.
"Hikari!" he didn't have a clue what to do, he's never seen a panic attack before. she was crying and her breaths were short. she looked like she was ready to die on the spot. he didn't want that.
"Hikari."
she was hurting.
"Hikari, please." what was he even begging for? please be okay? please forget about my brother, please stop mourning?
like he was utterly desperate to ground her to him, to make sure she doesn't leave, he holds her captive by her lips. her hold on Ran's suit loosened and he shuffled it away, cupping her cheek as he relishes in the taste of her mouth. Rin pulls her close, and he could feel every tremor in her body like she was left far too long in the cold.
he wasn't sure how he did it, but he pulls away. her tears had stopped, but her eyes looked even more lifeless than they'd already been.
"I'm sorry." he sounded almost pleading. "I'm sorry."
Hikari wasn't sure what he was apologizing for, but she smiles. she didn't want his lips, she had needed it. for now, she could feel again. she was here, her soul—the smallest part of it— was here. air hadn't left, and it wasn't cold. Rin's arms held her so.
she doesn't know what tomorrow will bring, but she wanted to fall asleep. if god was good, he wouldn't wake her up again.
"Rin..."
she stills in his arms, burying her face and sorrows in his shoulder. so warm. he wasn't wearing a shirt.
"it's alright, Hikari, it's all alright," he ushers, stroking her hair. he sounded as if he had been stressed out from what he saw, and it made Hikari chuckle.
"I'm tired, Rin."
then she stills completely, her arms falling limp. unconsciously, he kisses her temple, holding her closer to himself.
"I know...and I'm sorry."