Main pairing: Kuroo Tetsuro & Akaashi Keiji
Other pairing(s): (One-sided) Bokuaka (Bokuto x Akaashi)
Warnings: SH / Suicidal thoughts / Angst
Time: Akaashi's 2nd year / Kuroo's 3rd year
Notes: This is actually me venting lmao (I'm an Akaashi kinnie, is it obvious?)
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*In Kuroo and Akaashi's private messages*
Akaashi: hey kuroo-san
Akaashi: can we talk for a bit?
Kuroo: sure kaashi, what's up?
Akaashi: so... y'know that i have a crush on bokuto-san, right?
Kuroo: yes?
Akaashi: well we were hanging out today
Akaashi: and he was going to show sth in our chat
Akaashi: and i happened to glance at it
Akaashi: to see that he hasn't saved me in his contacts
Kuroo: what?
Kuroo: i'm sure you're mistaken
Kuroo: you two are rlly close
Akaashi: i saw my picture
Akaashi: and i know what we had written in the chat..
Akaashi: so i know that it was ours.
Kuroo: maybe his phone changed?
Akaashi: we both know it's not some technical issue
Kuroo: i'm really sorry, akaashi..
Akaashi: i just
Akaashi: i don't understand
Akaashi: ik that he doesn't fucking like me back but i thought we were friends, y'know?
Akaashi: was i wrong to assume so?
Akaashi: am i not worth his friendship?
Akaashi: i tried to help him through his tough times
Akaashi: i tried to be there for him when he needed someone
Akaashi: i didn't expect anything in return but..
Akaashi: i thought that he at least saw me as his friend..
Akaashi: guess not lmao
Kuroo: ik u don't like talking about stuff like this but i'm sure you'll feel better if you vent a bit
Akaashi: are you ok with that?
Kuroo: ofc :)
Akaashi: kuroo-san, am i just some piece of paper?
Akaashi: am i just some THING to write their troubles on and then just throw away?
Akaashi: every time i try to do smth nice for him, he acts like i'm SUPPOSED to do so, as if that's my fucking job.
Akaashi: i don't know how to express my emotions bcs i lock them up
Kuroo: why is that?
Akaashi: it's my brain trying to protect me from emotional damage
Akaashi: tbh every friend i've had up until this day has used me
Akaashi: whether i like to admit it or not..
Akaashi: that was why i had pushed everyone away from me in the last year of middle school..
Akaashi: bcs if people think i wasn't approachable, they wouldn't want to be friends with me
Akaashi: and i thought that was better than ur friends leaving u
Akaashi: and if i didn't have any friends, i also wouldn't have anyone to judge me
Akaashi: or use me
Kuroo: i'm so sorry that happened to you keiji
Kuroo: you don't deserve that
Akaashi: well, bcs of that self-defense mechanism, people think that i'm a robot, that i don't have any feelings.
Akaashi: but not showing my emotions does NOT mean that i don't fucking feel anything
Akaashi: I'M STILL A FUCKING HUMAN BEING
Akaashi: fucking hell, a "friend" of mine even came up to me today and told me that i could be in a relationship if i had some emotions
Kuroo: that's horrible, keiji..
Kuroo: do you want me to deal with them?
Akaashi: no, it's fine..
Akaashi: he was right, anyways
Kuroo: no, he was not.
Kuroo: you do have emotions, beautiful ones at that
Akaashi: i don't deserve bokuto's love..
Akaashi: i don't deserve anyone's love tbh
Akaashi: i should just stick to keeping everything to myself
Akaashi: and just be a fucking robot ig
Akaashi: i don't think it'll be hard
Akaashi: since everyone seems to ALREADY FUCKING THINK SO
Kuroo: but that'll make you sick
Akaashi: i'm already sick, kuroo-san..
Akaashi: i sometimes imagine what it would feel like...
Akaashi: being dead, i mean
Kuroo: keiji. please don't.
Akaashi: nobody would miss me..
Kuroo: I WOULD
Kuroo: keiji please
Akaashi: it hurts so fucking much, kuroo-san.
Akaashi: not only bcs of bokuto-san
Akaashi: but it's the pressure of being "the perfect child"
Akaashi: i'm burnt out but my parents have no idea bcs i'm so desperate of their praise that i overwork my body to get good grades..
Akaashi: sometimes i'd get so tired of studying that i'd have to punish my body
Akaashi: for not obeying my mind
Akaashi: for not being durable
Akaashi: for not being ENOUGH
Kuroo: do you.. still do it?
Kuroo: self-harm?
Akaashi: no, i don't.
Kuroo: you have too much on your shoulders, keiji..
Kuroo: sometimes you need to lay off of work and just take a break
Akaashi: but i won't be worthy of anything if i do so
Akaashi: i need to work and get good grades to make my parents proud
Akaashi: kuroo-san, you don't understand, i'm living off of my parents' praise
Akaashi: i can't handle the disappointment on their faces when they see i have gotten a B
Akaashi: they don't say anything but it's so evident in their eyes that it burns my heart..
Akaashi: i don't think i want to do this anymore..
Kuroo: this?
Akaashi: live..
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hey lmao...
fun fact of the day: everything akaashi said are actual stuff that i think / that happened to me except for the fact that I do not have a Kuroo in my life :)