The time after the ball seemed to roll together, days and weeks blending together until June had almost come to an end. Mother let word slip to Abraham about Ezekiel's plan not a day after I had told her, and poor Zeke found himself confined to the boiler room and the Star set out immediately for a long voyage that kept them from New York for almost a month. Which meant that my escort to the offices wound up being one of the footmen, in fact one who had helped tie Mr. Reichster to a chair. After the first day of riding in the carriage with me, he took to riding with the coachman on the driver's seat. Not that I blamed him.
A black fog had seemed to descend on me after the ball, with nothing to look forward to, and my mood reflected the drudgery my life had become. I barely read, hadn't touched my embroidery, and spent the carriage rides to the offices gloomy looking out the window, trying to see if I could predict the weather and how it would effect our schedule. My life now was only continuing on in my duties to the company. Rising early, staying late, and trying to turn my focus completely to the business. I tried to ignore the fact that Will had not sent a letter after the first one, that he had not answered the telegrams I had sent. The first one I could understand, I had received a reply that Mr. Murdoch was visiting family in Scotland. But I had sent three after that, each one the same.
Will, please write to me, or send me a wire. Let me know that all is well. I'm sorry. I miss you, Ana.
But it was only silence that greeted me each evening when I returned, calling cards and letters from relatives, but nothing from Britain. Not a letter, not a telegram, not a single word. I'd followed what the papers reported on the British Inquiry, it lasted much longer than the American one. It reached the same conclusions though; the officers had only been doing as they had been trained, the standards had laxed while maritime technology progressed, the company had only been keeping to their standards. In all, it seemed an indictment of the way things were done, rather than being blamed on one individual. The lack of word from Will had me avoiding coming home, it was better to be at the office than to see the empty silver tray. On some days I didn't go home at all. I kept to the offices more than my bed lately, not that I was able to avoid the nightmares more in the leather chair than the soft mattress in my room. A new one had arisen lately, something beyond the sinking.
I patted powder across my breasts, trying to lighten the marks that Zachary had left on me. Henry hated to see that his son had been doing his husbandly duties. Zachary had taken me over the breakfast table, my face almost pressed into a plate of eggs as he thrust into me. Halfway through he had pulled out, flipping me over and tearing off the wrapper I had been wearing as he nipped at my breasts, as he strained between my thighs. After he had finished he had gone off from the massive house his parents had gifted us for the wedding, but the marks had begun to darken by the afternoon. The red teeth mark were fairly gone by the time Henry burst through the door, coming behind me on the vanity and taking my breasts into his hands as he began to maul my neck, the egg sized ruby that dangled between my breasts clattering to the vanity as he jerked the clasp open. He had strict rules for our meetings, jewelry was allowed but not a stitch of clothing on me. I let him lick his way up me, closing my eyes and thinking of the presents I would make him buy me tomorrow.
He tumbled me back onto the bed, quickly stripping off his own clothes. Henry was never one for a lead up, he had that in common with his son. I gasped out a few false sounds of desire as he pulled my legs apart, one thrust settling him inside me as he began to grunt with the exertion of it. I kept my eyes on the ceiling, but wrapped my legs around him. He liked me to at least pretend to enjoy these sessions. But I felt his hands reach my throat, tightening and squeezing-
I shook myself awake, my heart racing as I shoved myself away from the oak desk. I was safe, I was fine, I was in the company offices. The sky outside was growing darker, the office still bright from the electric lights and I leaned back in the chair, trying to calm myself. It was only a dream, a nightmare, and by far not the worst one that I had had recently. That had been a week ago, I had been back in the writing room on the Titanic, but Zachary hadn't been content with dancing. I had looked out the window as he rutted on top of me, seeing Will outside, a look of heartbreak on his face.
I shoved my face into my hands, my fingers pulling on my hair. The pain would distract me, it had to, there had to be something to distract me from what my life had become. From the horrors that my mind conjured. I turned to the desk, a flurry of papers spread across it. I pulled the silver inkstand over, dipping my pen in and getting down to business. I could focus on this, I had to get this signed. New client, new client, a ship needed a crane repaired, new cargo, a letter promising a threefold return on my investment if I acted soon. I tore that one in half, bending back to the contracts. I hardly looked up when I heard the door open, the footman was waiting below and he knew who to let up.
I was expecting Mr. Keller, but instead I saw Mother, pale and black as she walked over and placed her parasol across the desk. "You have been overworking yourself." She said it as a statement, not a question, and I was not going to debate her on that.
I tried to tug a piece of paper from beneath the black silk parasol, but she held it tightly against the desk. "Mother please, these need to be approved by Wednesday and I haven't finished half of them." She had left the dock house after the first week, when it had been apparent that I was keeping myself to the rules she had laid down. I hadn't seen her for weeks. She looked better than I did, her face had color to it and considering how I was struggling to remove the paper, her strength had returned.
"Have you gotten anything from him?"
My heart dropped to my stomach, and my shoulders slumped. I didn't need to ask who she meant. "Only one letter, and nothing after I told him about the attack."
"Does that bother you?"
"How could it not?" I let my pen drop, the ink spattering across a contract before I returned it to the inkstand. "He must think me a harlot, I've sent telegrams begging him to write and nothing has come."
"So you bury yourself in work to avoid your thoughts." She sat on the desk, her fingers finding my chin and forcing me to look up. "My dear girl, your father left this company to both of us. And you will work yourself into a grave if you do not stop."
"What do I have without the work? I don't have a single thing beyond it. I have no callers, the papers have been circling since Zachary's outburst for a single sign of indecency so I have given them nothing by doing nothing. There is nothing beyond the business."
"Which is why I have arranged for you to sail tomorrow with the Western Star. Abraham has agreed to provide a cabin, Ezekiel has been ordered to be by your side during the voyage and to see you to a hotel in Southampton. You will find your man, settle things with him, and return."
I could hardly believe it. "Mother, but there's so much to be done."
"Peggy has already packed a trunk and sent it to the ship. I will handle everything while you are gone." I felt her press her lips to my forehead. "I do have some experience in that, you know."
"Oh Mother," I wrapped her in my arms. A chance to get away, to do something, a chance to see Will. I took in a choked breath, "What if he doesn't want me anymore?"
"Then he is a fool and you don't deserve him." She embraced me tightly, "You are priceless my dear, even with what has happened, and if he cannot see that then he does not deserve you." She stepped back, looking at my eyes. "Now, we are going home and you are going to rest. That's an order." She bustled me downstairs, collecting the footman and soon the carriage was rattling on the short trip back to the house. It seemed I was the only one shocked by this sudden trip, the servants seemed to already be aware of all the particulars, and as I hauled out a valise and carpetbag to pack I still found myself confused. If Peggy had packed my clothes, then what else would I need? I would need books, and my wallet, and, oh it seemed endless.
Peggy brought up dinner, watching me pull a shawl from a wardrobe and begin folding it. "You seem excited, Miss."
"Oh I am, Peggy." I placed it in the valise, and looked down at the meal she had brought. Lamb chops, roasted a tender pink and a cream sauce spread over them. "What did you pack?"
"Sensible clothes, Miss." She placed it on my table, "Shirtwaists, skirts, boots. Your mother was quite specific in what should be sent."
"How long has she been planning this?" I cut into the meat, relishing the slight hint of mint in the cream sauce. It seemed an age since I had eaten, I had grabbed only a small pastry when I left for the office this morning.
Peggy gave a very satisfied smile, "A week, at the least." She moved to the bags I had packed, finding even more to fit into them. By the time she had taken them downstairs I had finished dinner, and wrapped myself in my dressing gown. I could hardly believe it, that tomorrow I would be on my way to Southampton. That I would be on a ship for the first time since the sinking. I tried to sleep, to think only of good things and banish all negativity. But I could hardly sleep, a hundred thoughts sweeping through my mind. Should I wire Will that I was coming, or would it be better to be a surprise? Would he be angry? Would he think me a wanton who had just decided to toy with him? What would I even say? I spent most of the night staring at the ceiling, too terrified to try and sleep.
I rose early, dressing myself instead of calling for a maid. A plain shirtwaist, a navy skirt, and a pair of black boots were all that I donned. It was still a few days before July, when I could start introducing color back into my wardrobe, but I was so tired of black. My hair I simply braided back, and I took a straw hat with me. In the mirror I looked like a simple merchant's daughter, tired but excited for a trip. Peggy was waiting with a large tray as I came downstairs. "You're to eat everything Miss, then you may go." She set the tray down in the dining room, and took up her post in the doorway. I turned to the massive feast before me. Waffles with dark syrup running down the sides, eggs and bacon piled on their own plate, fresh fruit kept cold by a small tray of ice. I set to the eggs and bacon first, then the waffles, and finally the fruit.
My stomach felt almost painfully stretched, and I almost belched as I pushed back from the table. I turned to Peggy, "May I be excused?" She only smirked, stepping aside and letting me into the foyer. The carriage was waiting out front, and I piled myself in, wishing it would move faster as we clattered to the docks. There was a rush of activity around the Star, last minute crates and sailors rushing about. I joined the scrum, making my way to the gangplank and smiling up at Abraham, who quickly took me up to the bridge.
The officers were bustling around, but Abraham paid them no mind. "So, you're certain about this plan?"
"Abe, I need to go." I looked out the window of the bridge, taking in the sight of the Hudson River slowly flowing out to the sea. "I can't stay here, I just have to know." I watched the gangplank being withdrawn, lines being tossed, and heard orders being given to engage the engines. The thrum of the engines was strong enough to feel beneath my feet. I looked back over to Abe, "And there's no other ship I'd want to be on."
He snorted, "Well, keep your opinions on that to yourself until you see your cabin." He stepped up to the window I was looking out of, and I felt him place a hand on my shoulder. "But don't you worry about anything, we're taking a southerly route. No ice, haven't spotted any since May." I breathed in, nodding. Abe wouldn't lie, not about that.
"Come on, Annie. Let him get us started out." I heard Ezekiel call, and I turned to see him poking his head through a bridge door. I gave Abe a smile, then followed Ezekiel out into the plain steel hallways of the ship. We quickly moved through the ship, until Ezekiel stopped at a door and opened it. He shrugged, "It's rather small, but it's the best we've got."
I took in the bunk, the way there was barely any space to move between it and the bulkhead. I dropped my bags in a corner, and turned to him. "It will be fine, have you been released from the boiler rooms?"
"Barely." He snorted, coming and sitting on the bunk. "Why'd you have to tell your mother? I didn't see the sun for a week after Father heard from her."
"I couldn't let you start hiring assassins, you'd find some way to bungle it." I shook my head as I tossed my hat on top of my bags, "Now, I want to see everything. And I want to learn everything. I mean that, Zeke. I want to be able to do anything on this ship." Ezekiel grinned, grabbed me by the hand, and we were off. To say that Abe was upset when we came up for dinner that night, covered in coal dust and with a variety of ship's knots hanging from a makeshift rope belt around my waist, would be an understatement.
He fairly exploded at Ezekiel, until I explained that it was my idea. I hadn't intended to spend a shift shoveling coal, but just watching Ezekiel shovel had been boring, so I had tied my skirt back and helped. I may not have been able to handle the same weight of coal on my shovel as he did, but I felt I was able to meet it by shoveling faster. The fact that I was getting dirty and sweating in the sweltering heat before the furnace didn't bother me in the slightest. It felt good to do something simple, to know that my task was helping the ship as a whole, but it hadn't lasted long before one of the crew leads saw us and his cursing had sent us running up to the top deck. There I had spent hours watching Ezekiel tie knots, and my own clumsy attempts at least looked better at the end of his tutoring than at the start.
"Anastasia, do not make me have to order you to stay out of the boiler rooms." Abe said, rubbing his temples and ignoring the steaming plate of food in front of him. "If you want to learn, then stay up on the bridge. There's plenty to study up there."
He wasn't lying, and if I had thought Mr. Keller was a strict teacher, then Abraham was a veritable professor. He woke me to stand watches with him, ranging from early in the morning to late at night. When we could see the stars he showed me how to take measurements with a sextant and use it to calculate our position. I was fairly hopeless at that, the math was beyond what I could comprehend, but I studied him every time he did it.
The officers on the bridge became used to seeing me there, and offered their own lessons. How to estimate distances between the ship and a certain point, learning the delay between when orders were sent down to the engine room and when you could feel the ship shift as they were carried out. I did hear them chuckle when Abraham let me take the wheel for a short time, and I kept the thoughts I had been having to myself. I had thought it grand to hold the wooden wheel, to know that I could control where we went, that I was responsible for everyone onboard. The officers had thought it was simply a fancy of mine to play at being a sailor, and they indulged me in it. It was during a lesson on the weather, when we were a day from Southampton, that the third officer grew concerned, "You can see a squall line ahead, we'll need to give orders to have everything battened down."
I saw the line of low dark clouds he was pointing at. "Will it be rough?"
"Might be, but it shouldn't last for too long." He was scribbling an order on a sheet of paper, then handed it off to a junior officer to give the orders to the crew. I watched them scurry around the deck, checking hatches and tightening lines, before they vanished back below. I could feel the swell increasing, the ship rolling father than it had during out entire trip beneath my feet.
Abraham came onto the bridge quickly, checking over the instruments before he looked over to me. "You might want to return to your cabin, the seas could get worse."
I thought of that small cabin, where I had barely spent any time during this trip. The fact that it had no porthole, that I would be trapped in a small steel box, it sent a shiver down my spine. I shook my head, "I'll stay." A sheet of rain suddenly lashed across the window, the wind howling through the lines, and I heard a rumble of thunder that shook the glass.
He pursed his lips, "I don't want to order you, Anastasia, but I will."
The ship pitched down, a wave breaking across the bow, and I stumbled to the forward, catching myself against a wall. "Abe, please." I heard my voice tremble, "I can't be in there, not if-"
"Point us into the weather." Abe barked at the helmsman, before he came over and grabbed me roughly by the shoulder, pulling me aside and speaking in a low voice. "Don't finish that thought, it's bad luck."
"Abe, please." I jumped again as another rumble of thunder passed overhead. "I can't."
"This won't sink us," He shook his head, "Stay in this corner, and don't say anything." He moved back over to the officers that had come onto the bridge, and I could barely understand them as they spoke rapidly. The squall couldn't have lasted more than a couple hours, but to me it seemed endless. Every wave we took, the foam sloughing off the deck, sounded like a cannon. Turning into the weather took time, and it seemed the ship rolled farther every time until we were pointed straight on and it steadied. Thunder boomed overhead the whole time, and at one point between it and the waves, I clamped my hands over my ears. It felt better to have them there, to close my eyes and only focus on keeping my balance.
I felt fingers pulling my hands away from my ears after awhile, and I blinked, looking up at Ezekiel's concerned face. His hair was soaked and his shirt was damp, but he seemed in good spirits. "Annie, it's fine. We've been though worse." He gestured to the bridge window, "Look, you can see where the storm ends." A line of sunlight cut through the storm ahead, and the seas were settling as the Star plowed out of the weather. Abraham was staring out the window, his stance relaxed as the rain began to lighten.
"Let's get you settled," Ezekiel took me by the arm, pulling me from the bridge. I didn't try to resist, exhausted from the onslaught of the storm. My little cabin seemed to have weathered it just fine, the only sign of distress being my bags that had been flung across the room from where I had left them on the bunk.
I sat on the bunk, "I'm sorry, I just-"
"It's fine," He gave me a smile, "You should have seen me when we went through my first storm. I was wrapped around a railing so tight Father had to pry me off of it." He pulled a flask from his pocket, "Here, steady your nerves. Might get you to sleep better."
I took a swig, the rum inside almost sweet, and I drank another slug before I handed it back. "Thanks."
"You do need to sleep, Annie." He tucked it back into his pocket, "You look like hell." He closed the door behind him, but I opened it as soon as I was sure he was gone. The thought of being trapped in here was still lurking in the back of my mind, even as I felt the ship steaming through smooth seas. Back on the bunk, I leaned against the wall, stretching my legs out before me. I closed my eyes, trying to focus on the now slight movement of the ship from side to side. It was rather like being in a rocking chair, and I settled into the rhythm.
It was alright until it grew dark, and I woke in complete blackness. Someone had closed the door while I had been asleep, and I flailed briefly in the dark until I had the latch in my hand. I shoved it open, moving out into the hallway and up to the porthole. I could see moonlight reflected on the water, small whitecaps in the distance that looked silver in the night. I opened it, greedily breathing in the cold night air that rushed through. Safe, I was safe, the Star was afloat and beating on towards Southampton. With the porthole, and the door to my cabin open, I pulled a book from my valise and turned on a small lamp on the roof of the cabin. It was a history of the American Navy, ranging from the Revolution to President Roosevelt's Great White Fleet.
I had just reached the great clash of ironclads at Hampton Roads when I heard footsteps outside. Abraham leaned in through the doorway, "If you're up, you may as well come stand a watch with me." I followed him back to the bridge, taking in the sight of the vast hemisphere of stars above us. The sea was too rough to reflect them, like it had that night in April, when everything was flat and dark. Abe pointed off the port side of the bow, a green light bobbing above the water. "See there? That's another ship. let's see if we can't raise them on the wireless." The wireless room was close by the bridge, and an operator was already tapping away a message. I had tried to learn from him, but listening to the random flashes of sound and trying to determine the letters had given me a headache.
Watching him quickly scratch out a message through made me swear to eventually learn the basics of it. He pulled the telephones from his head, "It's the St. Louis, she says all is good. Wants to know if we hit the storm."
"Tell them all fares well here, and we made it through the storm without an issue." Abe directed, pulling me along in his wake as we went back to the bridge. Standing a watch was fairly boring, but I did get to watch the sky slowly lighten, from gray to yellow to orange, as the sun dawned. It was not long after it rose that I could make out an indistinct blur of land on the horizon. Abe pulled me to a chart, "That's the Isle of Wight, which means we should be in the Solent before noon."
The ship became abuzz with activity as we drew closer to the city, hatches were opened and lines were tossed to a tug that came out to meet us and pull us into the docks. They looked similar to the ones in New York, a red brick warehouse rising behind them and with a warren of offices on the top floor. I could see porters waiting on the dock, and the gangplank was barely set before they swarmed onto the decks, the ship's cranes being brought down to begin hauling the large crates even as the smaller boxes were brought up by hand. I could see my own trunk, carried by two men, set aside on the dock as they returned to unloading.
"Could I go down?" I looked to Abe, who was calmly watching the proceedings.
He barked out a laugh, "You'd just be in the way. Ezekiel's gone to fetch a cab, you can visit the offices later."
"Thank you, Abe." I moved to him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders. "For teaching me, and taking me along."
He grumbled, "You're the head of the company miss, well one of them at least. Seems to me you should know as much as you can." He squinted, looking out the window. "Ah, there's the cab. You'd better hurry."
I fairly flew to my small cabin, collecting my bags and donning my simple hat. Abe wasn't wrong about my being in the way while the ship was being unloaded. I was almost flattened by a crate that was being lifted, a porter pulling me out of the swinging path of it with a curse before sending me hurtling down the gangplank and onto the dock. I followed two porters that had my trunk, grateful for the way they broke through the crowd.
Ezekiel grinned down from the motor car as they strapped the trunk to the back, "Better than a hansom."
"At this point," I said, climbing in next to him, "I'd be willing to walk."
Ezekiel leaned forward, telling to driver to take us to a decent hotel, before he settled into the bench as we chugged off. "So, do you know where he lives?"
I blanched, "I don't." How could I have not asked for his address? The telegram boys seemed to know where everyone was, and he had still been in London when I wrote him about the attack.
"I'll ask around then, should be fairly easy." Ezekiel watched as the docks receded, being replaced by shops and houses. "What if he turns you down, though?"
I looked down to my lap, "I don't know, I've been trying not to think about it."
"Well, you always have me." He took one of my hands, giving me a squeeze. "Not to marry though, for God's sake." The cab shortly pulled up outside a hotel, and two bellboys were sent to carry my trunk inside through a side door while Ezekiel and I went into the lobby. It was smaller than the hotel I had stayed at in London, but a room was quickly found and the key passed over.
I looked to Ezekiel. "Do you want a room?"
"I'm fine on the Star." He shrugged, "Bit simpler. Can't stand thinking about maids going through my things." He started for the doors, "I'll ask around and be back in the morning. Not too early though," He yawned, "Maybe noon would be better."
"Just send word up when you're here." I shook my head, watching him head off. The room I had been given was on the second floor, and was simple compared to what I was used to. A plain bed, a table and chairs, a basin and ewer on a side table, and my trunk underneath a window that would have afforded a great view of the harbor if not for the building across the street. I sat on the bed, pulling my hat off and letting my hair loose.
What would tomorrow hold? Would Will be glad to see me, or would he be angry? Would I have made this trip only to be abandoned? I sniffed, shaking my head. I couldn't think like that, otherwise I would not be able to sleep. Tomorrow would bring what it would, worrying about it would change nothing. Instead I would focus on preparing what I could for tomorrow. Looking in the trunk showed it was as Peggy had said, mostly shirtwaists and sturdy skirts, but underneath all of those was a travelling suit. It wasn't as tailored as the light blue silk one I had worn when boarding, in fact I remembered it being a few seasons old. But it was a well maid suit, in hunter green silk and accented with white ribbon on the lapels. I pulled it out, brushing it down and letting it hang to get the wrinkles out. My straw hat would have to do, no hatboxes had made the trip from New York.
I looked at my suit for tomorrow, feeling the familiar twist of anticipation and worry in my gut. Food would settle that though, and I set off to arrange for it.