Here's a life lesson.
When you feel like your life is falling apart, overemphasis again, like everything that is happening is getting out of your control, when you are being intimidatingly challenged, when you know that you have done your part good and there's nothing more of anything to be done from your side, when everything you said and did is absolutely true, when there's nothing that you are hiding from the situation, the only thing that remains is to smile. Your smile will not show your weakness but reflects your strong moral. Your smile can be a replacement for a thousand unsaid words. It can counter strike whatever it is that made you lose your balance. A simple curve can bring you new confidence, and it can make you receive more smiles in return.
I smiled to the part where I knew I have nothing to say. I smiled looking at him to let him know that he's correct. And my reply will stop this game or whatever it is, here and now. I'm giving him what he wants. That should do it.
"I was genuinely busy, professor Whi-" Oh, boy. Almost busted. "-Shaurya."
I continued.
"I'm sorry, if it looked like I was avoiding you."
Part of what I said is both true and untrue. I was busy last month, I barely talked to any of my friends. Also I was ignoring him not because I didn't remember his name but to avoid this kind of situation I'm currently in. I should have tried harder.
He didn't say anything. He looked at me with a discrete expression, like I just broke something of him.
"She was really busy."
Neil must have sensed my weird vibe, because he stressed on his really in a very flirty way which made me laugh as well as throw my panic crumbled tissue at him. He ducked and the white snow like ball landed on the grass.
"Go pick it up, Tara. Scientists should not encourage littering."
Neil is taking advantage of my situation. I rolled my eyes at him. He was laughing hard now as I stood up from my chair rather in fake anger, stomped over to the place where my tissue fell, lazily bent down to my full and picked it up. So much of my energy got wasted in one simple move. I'm going to retaliate, Neil. A naughty smile took hold of my face as I quickly dropped the paper ball inside Neil's shirt from behind, through the small space available between his neck and the collar of his shirt.
"Hey."
Neil's sexy vocals now squeaked as he sprang up from his seat doing strange movements to get the paper out of his clothes. Laura and Helen exchanged a glance before joining my laughter. Czes shook his head smiling, he did not approve of this but did find the whole act funny. After few failed tries from Neil's part, I took it out for him and did a basketball hesitation move before throwing it into a far away public dustbin.
"Woah, Tara. That was cool."
"I used to play basketball in high school."
The conversation became lively after that. Everyone spilled their version of sport stories. Neil played almost every game, so his bluffing was intolerable but was good content for today's arguments. The professor whom I clearly did not avoid after that, passed small comments while he focused on drinking his black tea and also our conversation. I wanted to hear him say something, anything at all, at least a syllable, because as I said before his personality may be a little unacceptable but his voice showed me many things at once. In short, each time his sound wave hit the skin on my ears, I feel bright sunshine on my face, melting dark chocolate on my tongue, a waterfall images in my eyes and the smell of old books overwhelms me altogether. All the senses working together in a heightened way. Only musicians have brought this kind of response in me.
"So, Shaurya?"
I started but his expression turned wild, like he just heard something unpleasant or mostly unexpectant. Bruh, he is the one who told me to call him that in the first place. Now he doesn't like it?
"I can call you that right?"
He simply nodded which was slowly accompanied by a sly smile, his eyes trailed off into distance while taking a sip from his drink again.
"Do you sing?"
He almost choked on his coffee. He looked at me wide eyed, his expression once again guarded. It was a simple question but he was preparing himself for something big. I just needed a yes or no.
"No. What made you think that?"
His reply did disappoint me. His voice is perfect for a singer, it's a shame he's not one.
"Well, I thought you-. Um, never mind."
Czes interrupted my awkwardness.
"I have never seen him listening to any songs and he doesn't know Harry Styles. Singing is out of his league."
"What?"
I looked at Shaurya in disbelief. How can someone exist without music?
"Yes, not much of a music person."
Shaurya's words were hesitant. And what is a music person? Everyone lives listening to music, humming the wrong lyrics, and dancing around to inaudible songs playing in our heads. This is how music works and if he's not doing any of this then he's not living enough. Additionally, he's not my type at all. Not that I considered it before.
"I don't have much to say to that but I practically live off music."
"And caffeine."
Neil is correct but I can't admit yet.
"Everyone is."
"Not like your addiction."
I rolled my eyes at him. Today is totally his day.
________________________________________________________________________________
6 AM
Friday.
Today's grand party is messing up with my perfect routine. I had to rearrange my gym timings so that I could go to the party I don't even want to attend. Yesterday night was all about three strong forces, Hera, Ridha and Ryan, persuading a single weak me into going to this night madness. I was persistent at first but gave my hold away after considering their rebuttals.
Listed below are the key points that led to their win.
One, I have been nothing but a workaholic. True. Two, my mind needs something fun to relax. True. Three, not sure if we will be free for any more parties. True. Four, great memories for when we get back to India. Five, according to Ridha, I get to meet the one. Cheesy.
They were right. I had kept myself busy with my research and other research related things, I dedicated my whole self for it that now I feel like I do not belong to a blithesome world at all. Lord, this is trouble. It's been forever since I watched any movie or went to a fine dining for a dinner. Day and night, everything around me had been science and as they said, it wouldn't hurt to spend a couple hours freezing my career life.
Yesterday, after agreeing to their considerate demand, we went party shopping to the same mall nearby. Anything that involves pretty clothing needs results in Hera taking up charge and rushing to the best fashion outlet. I told her I already have some of the dresses I packed from India and she said no to all of them. What's so special about this party that I had to spend my savings on a costume I would hardly ever touch again?
Early morning breeze welcomed me as I stepped out of my apartment building in sweatpants and a loose translucent active t-shirt over a racerback sports bra. Drops of sweat puddled my lower back as I ran all the way to the gym in my white sports shoes. Shawn Mendes is singing for me through my pods as I jogged, the chill air refuting the temperature of my heated up body.
"Hey, Tara. Aren't you too early today?"
My gym instructor, Jules, joined me in the entrance to the gym. Thank god she's here. I was worried because I forgot to call and fill her in that I would be coming early today. I would have been wandering alone like a ghost if she hadn't come, not knowing what to do in the mirror world of muscle contractions.
"Are you free to help me now? I have plans tonight so..."
Twenty minutes in the gym went by perfectly normal, with me lifting weights (I was no near successful), until I noticed someone familiar running in one of the treadmills in the men's section. It's professor White Shi-, Shaurya can be used now since we had a good talk the other day at the university canteen. Well, good is the farthest possible word that I would use to describe the talk that day. Oh, so he goes to the same gym as me but in the morning, huh. Now the only dilemma is that if I should ignore or unignore him. He still hasn't noticed me, he's busy fidgeting with the buttons on the treadmill screen, in tanks and shorts, looking so un-professor-y, his outfit and the setting making him look younger and well... My first thought was to take out my phone and click a picture of him. Rare sight, it is. Unless I decide to attend the gym every morning instead of my signed up time. Sweat dripped down from his forehead, down through his thick eyebrows dripping down from the sides of his face. His dark brown hair, which almost tricks you into believing that it's black, is drenched wet in sweat, and as he runs his hands through his hair, it sticks to place but eventually falls down to his eye catchy eyes.
Lost too much time observing and memorizing his out-of-university look, because now I have no other possibility but to unignore him. He's already sensed my stare and now he's offering me the same. He saw me. Nice. What would any normal citizen do when he/she comes across a person they know in the street, or anywhere other than the place they're used to meet? We smile and wave, and if the person is close to you then we move forward to have a word with them. Before giving it a second thought, I, as a not-a-permanent-citizen-of-California, gently placed my weights down before waving at him cheerfully with a smile. When he sees me he should receive something like- Hey, it's me Tara. I would have done the same, if it had been anyone else in his place, if it had been someone from the university, or the waitress at Kik's, or the cashier at the canteen. Anyone I know and I would have done it. Acknowledging people that they exist is not a very big job to do. Not for me, at least. But looks like it is for him.
His gaze went through my body, head to toe, with a speedy movement of his pupil. His brows knitted together as he controlled me with his stare, like I had no permission to move when I'm under his observation. The abnormal feeling to run and hide from his icy cold stare took hold of me, even though I was what, ten feet apart from him. He stopped his run, his eyes on me all this while, grabbed a towel from his bag and walked away towards the men's wash, wiping the sweat off his shoulders.
Did he not see me at all? Or did he just act like he didn't notice me? Like I don't exist at all? Am I not worth even a small wave, or a nod? I'm having existential crisis because of some lame Indian jerk who happened to be a professor in the university I'm working. I am feeling shameful just because he didn't respond to my failed attempts to becoming friends. I don't know what's wrong with him. One moment he wants to talk casually, wants me to call him Shaurya and wants to play tricks into making me feel sorry for accidently being near him. And the next, he acts like he doesn't know me at all. I really don't know what's going on anymore. He's making me lose my sanity. I do not, in a million years, want to go through this embarrassment again. Never again would want that same stare on me nor do I want to meet him by chance to relive irritating situations like today's. That's it. I'm stopping gym.