Ryujin and I are in my room. We're sitting on the foot of the bed, both of us looking straight ahead and not at each other. I can feel a negative tension between us.
"What did you want to talk about?" I ask breaking the tension. I see her slowly nodding her head from my peripheral.
"Should I say my final goodbye?" She ask.
I didn't say anything because I'm not sure what to say. "I'm sorry" I whisper.
"You're sorry? What did I do wrong? I'm sorry for getting carried away earlier but is that enough for you to want to end this?" I feel her move so she's looking at me but I'm still looking straight ahead.
"I'm human too, Yeji. I still have my own feelings. You could have talked to me instead of running away and leaving feel worse than I already did" she says.
I look down, "I'm hard to love. You're probably better off without me."
"If I wanted things easy then I would stay single but I'm choosing to be with you. Relationships are hard that requires work from both party. I know there would be challenges in this relationship but I still want to be with you. Loving you isn't hard. Loving you is easy. What's hard is trying to get you to let me in. When I feel I'm getting close, you push me away. That's what's hard but I'm not giving up. Is it that easy to give up on me? Am I not worth fighting for? Whenever you feel scared or have doubts, you don't have enough trust in me to push through it?" She takes a deep breath.
"Do you think I'm not scared? I am scared to death, Yeji. But I'm fighting through it because being with you means more to me. I'd rather you yell at me, curse me out, be angry with me than running away because at least you would be communicating with me. You can't keep wanting to end things and expect me to be there in the end. At some point, I have to think about my own mental health."
She crouches down in front of me to make me look at her, "I can get through with you pushing me away because I'm willing to fight my way back in but I can't keep being scared that whenever things are not good between us that you'll leave. That will make me crazy to keep wondering if you're gonna stay or not when things get tough. I'm gonna give you some time to figure out what you want. I won't make it in this relationship if I'm the only one fighting for it."
"I still don't understand why you're choosing me when you've seen how difficult how I am" I croak out.
"Yeji, I understand why you think you're difficult. You've been through so much and you've overcome so much. When you push me away, I don't think about leaving you. So push me away all you want but just don't think about leaving me" she says.
"You could be happier with someone else" I say.
"Who says? Don't I get a say in that? Wouldn't I know if I'd be happier with someone else?" She questions.
"Do you love me that much to put up with me like that?" I ask.
"Do you not love me enough to want to fight for our relationship?" She ask instead of answering.
I want to be with her but I feel like she's too good for me. Every time I'm getting close to completely dropping my guard around her, the brain would start thinking about all the words that was said to me in the past.
'You're not good enough... no one will love you... you don't deserve to be love... no one will treat you well... who would want to be with you when you have a kid with someone else... a druggie like you don't deserve to be happy... only thing you're good for is sex... you're not wife material... you'll just be a piece of ass to guys...' are the words I can only think about.
"What if I'm never ready to have sex with a woman?" I ask.
"Then we won't have sex. I'm not with you for sex" she says.
I chuckle wiping the tear that came out, "I won't have sex with you but you'll find someone else to have sex with?"
"No. I can't have sex with someone unless I have feelings for them. If my partner doesn't want sex, I will respect that. Believe it or not, I don't get turned on that easily. I want to be with you because I enjoy it. I love your companionship. I love you that just being next to you is enough for me. Taking care of you, Eva and your unborn child, that's what I look forward to" she says.
"Why? You're only 20. Why would you want to be stuck taking care of 2 kids that's not even yours?"
"Just because I'm not biologically related to them, it doesn't mean I won't love them like my own. I already love Eva so much and I would do anything to protect her" she tries to hold my hands and I let her.
"You're not just enduring them because of me?" I whisper.
"Endure them? I don't feel like that at all. Yeji, if you having a kid bothered me, I wouldn't have pursued you" She says. Hearing her say that makes me feel glad.
I didn't say anything. I just stare at our hands thats on my lap. Why is it so hard for me to not push her away? Why do I want to run away just because I'm scared she would hurt me?
She stands up and I see her grab her bag. "I'm gonna go before I'm late for my flight. I love you, Yeji. If I don't hear from you, I hope you take care of yourself. I hope you can be happy even if it means without me."
I hear her leave and I fall on my back. I lay there staring at the ceiling. I wanted to stop her but my body wouldn't move. I just keep thinking she will be better off without me. Maybe this is for the best. I guess this is the end.