"And oh oh, you could bring it back
Who wouldn't want it when he looks like that?
Oh, oh, I want you to stay
And if I try my hardest, would you look my way?"
❀
- V -
Taehyung sat next to the kitchen counter with his plate, twirling the chicken with his chopsticks. His appetite had gone on a vacation, it seemed. The maknae had taken his heart, his peace of mind, and somehow, his appetite as well. He hadn't been able to sleep properly either since the past few days.
They had shifted into their new dorm and set up their new rooms. The new apartment wasn't enormous, but it was spacious enough.
A definite upgrade.
But Taehyung had a hard time reveling in the excitement of a new place. The aloofness in the maknae's behaviour since the night he pushed him away, literally and figuratively, had only increased. He was chummy with everyone else, but made an active effort to avoid Taehyung. He had racked his brains in search of answer. He had not even touched alcohol since a long time so there way no way he did something stupid again after getting drunk. Neither was he able to remember any incident which caused the maknae to detach from him. He could see the conflict in Jeongguk's eyes, and he desperately wanted to help, wanted to bring out the younger from whatever battle he was fighting alone it had been almost two weeks and the maknae would not budge. He was playing real life pacman with Taehyung and Taehyung was tired from head to toe.
The maknae's words, although Taehyung knew were said in fit of frustration and he did not actually mean them, still slash across his heart.
Annoying.
"Why are you so annoying Kim Taehyung?"
"Nobody would want to be friends with such a weird kid"
"He is like an alien"
The words had cut through him like razors, bleeding his heart into a puddle. But he picked himself up and brushed himself off before stuffing down all the emotions and going back inside with the usual Taehyung smile on his face.
He tried every morning, noon, and night to get the younger to talk to him, but he uttered straight cut replies and didn't bother conversing.
He understood something was wrong, but a heart that understands also gets tired.
His mother had informed him that his grandmother was ill and he had desperately pleaded for a leave over the weekend but important shoots were comimg up and it just did not seem possible. Though his grandmother had assured him last night that she was all fit and fine but he yearned to meet her. It had been months since he had gone home.
"Jeongguka, how is school going on?" Namjoon asked bringing him out of his thoughts. He was having a glass of beer.
They had decided to celebrate their new place with a few drinks and some fried chicken.
"It is good," Jeongguk answered, scrolling through his phone.
"You've been keeping up with your assignments and projects?" Namjoon followed up.
"Yes hyung," Jeongguk let out a laugh.
"Ah Namjoona, you're no fun, you know, who talks about homework in high school," Hoseok rolled his eyes, "Jk! Tell us about the interesting stuff! Do you have a crush? Like anyone from your class?"
Taehyung shot his eyes towards the maknae, who was still staring at his phone. Jeongguk straightened up and cleared his throat, "Uh-- I--"
"He does have a crush, I am sure about it," Jin stated, taking a sip of his beer, "He keeps staring in space lost in thoughts and sometimes starts blushing randomly. These are all signs of a crush."
"Oh, or maybe a girlfriend?"Hoseok chuckled, "Come on, tell us who you like?"
Taehyung's lungs were collapsing. He was absolutely sure of it. How else would they not be able pull air in? That's the reason, and it's definitely not because of this pale boy with doe eyes who apparently has a girlfriend now.
So is that the reason he keeps avoiding me?
Because of the girl he likes?
His throat feels dry and he can hear a faint buzzing in his ears. Hoseok laughs in the background and Jimin counters with something equally funny but he can't hear it.
He is drowning. He is drowing within the shadows of his mind and none of them have even the slightest idea.
Black shadows dance in his peripheral vision and Taehyung knows of he does not get his thoughts in check the physical signs of his fucked up brain might become visible to everyone. He can't have that.
He counts his fingers one by one, moving his eyes from one to the next. By the time he reaches eight, the world becomes clearer. He takes a deep breath and seamlessly gets back into the discussion.
He looks around to see if anyone foumd out but everyone is still busy with the maknae inquisition.
Nothing to worry about.
"Our liitle baby is growing up," Jin's laughter makes him look at them.
"Ah Jeongguka, enough with the suspense - who is she?" Hoseok whined.
Jeongguk pauses and Taehyung looks down on his lap.
He doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't know why this conversation is affecting him the way it is.
The maknae is a teenage boy, an idol, a star, he bound to have a girlfriend, what's so wrong in that? Why is his stomach sinking and heart racing thinking about a nameless, faceless girl.
"Yeah, she-"
"He likes her so much that he can't even name her without stuttering," Jimin snickered.
Taehyung was going to faint. He was definitely going to faint right on this countertop. This oblivious boy was going to talk about his crush or maybe even his girlfriend. He was not even listening to what the maknae was saying. Did not even want to.
He was in a mild panic situation to put it lightly.
His heart was thundering in its cage, and the sounds around him came muffled.
"Taehyunga," a cool hand over his own jolted him back. "Get me my jacket from the room, would you? I feel a bit chilly," Yoongi asked him.
Taehyung shot up from his seat faster than lightning. He rushed into the bathroom and stood against the closed door. His hands trembled, and his lips quivered. Tears lined his eyes, and he closed his fists to get a hold of himself.
"Why- why does it hurt so much-", he whimpered as the stray tears escaped his eyes.
"He can like other people, he is supposed to like girls- he should have a girlfriend- it was nothing- that is his best friend- then why the fuck does it hurt-"
He put his hands on his face and cried silently into them.
When he had befriended Jeongguk in their trainee days, Taehyung had actively hoped that the maknae would find a girl who would make him happy.
What changed?
His heart felt like a knife plunged through it
He desperately hoped the clenching of his insides would end.
"Taehyunga?", a muffled voice called out from outside.
Taehyung slowly cleared his throat and tried to make his voice sound as normal as possible, "Y-yes? Just a minute-"
He opened the faucet to splash his face with water again before looking at himself in the mirror. His eyes were rimmed with red.
He couldn't go out like this.
Taking some tissue he dabbed at his face and fanned himself to get his face back to normal.
"Taehyunga?" It was Yoongi.
"I am coming hyung- just- "
He wiped nose with his sleeve, and fixed his hair, pretending to look as normal as possible and opened the door.
"Hey, you okay?" Yoongi asked as soon as he was in sight.
"Uh- yeah I am fine hyung, just had to pee really bad." Taehyung grinned.
"Okay." Yoongi did not seem convinced and Taehyung was thankful when he didn't pry further. He followed him back to the living room where the soju had finally worked it's magic.
A few bottles of beer and soju had worked their magic and Hoseok and Jimin were doing karaoke with a ladle instead of a mic while Jeongguk along with Namjoon and Jin cheered them on, joining them from time to time.
Yoongi settled on the sofa pouring two shots of soju and offering one to Taehyung.
He had decided not to touch alcohol again after the last fiasco but he needed the numbness today. Anything to feel less.
"Just breathe out and gulp it down," Yoongi advised. "It is easier that way."
He clinked his glass with Yoongi and downed it like he said. The clear liquid burned through his throat warming up his insides.
Looking up he saw Jeongguk texting in his phone.
Girlfriend, huh?
"Hyung," he was calling Yoongi before anything could change his mind. "Can I have another one?"
Yoongi laughed, pouring another one in his glass.
Four shots and either four minutes or four hours later, Taehyung found himself at peace. His emotions were numb, his mind was free, and his heart was afloat.
"What are you smiling about?" Namjoon asked, settling down next to him.
Taehyung looked at him with hooded eyes and a lopsided grin. "Life's miseries hyung, aren't they beautiful?"
Namjoon's eyebrows furrowed in concern. "Taehyunga," he felt Namjoon's hand on his knee. "Are you okay?"
"I am- what do you call it hyung? Peachy!"
"Do you want water?"
Taehyung leaned in closer, smiling at his ever concerned hyung.
"If I tell you what I want- would you still be my friend?"
Namjoon looked confused.
"Taehyunga- what do you mean-"
Taehyung's heart was running in circles. He could tell Namjoon his predicament. Tell him what his fucked up brain and outrageous heart were feeling, but would the leader understand?
"I think I like someone too, hyung."
Namjoon grinned, "That's nice, isn't it? Who is it?"
Doe-eyes, pink pouted lips, dimples across his smile.
He tried to lean in further towards Namjoon's ear. "It's a secret hyung. A bad kinda secret."
But the alcohol had dulled his control and before he could fall further on Namjoon's chest he felt gravity shift when he realised he was pulled back by his sweatshirt.
"He needs to sleep."
The all too familiar voice cut in.
Taehyung looked up to find three Jeongguks standing behind him. It was the alcohol wasn't it?
One hand in his pocket and one hand in holding Taehyung's sweatshirt in a death grip. Jeongguk smiled at Namjoon who was looking between them quizzically. "He's had too much to drink hyung." Jeongguk spoke to the leader. "You know how shitty his capacity is."
Shitty capacity, my ass.
Taehyung stood up, getting out of the maknae's hold making everyone look at him.
"I am fine, thank you," He muttered in perfect English, swaying but balancing himself again.
Jimin whistled behind him. "You tell him TaeTae."
His eyes held a challenge and even in his drunken stupor he could recognise the fury in the maknae's eyes.
"You're drunk hyung."
"So?" Taehyung stumbled back pointing an accusatory finger at the maknae. "Do you have a problem with it?"
Jeongguk stepped closer to him and spoke in a low voice.
"You said you wouldn't drink again."
Taehyung brought his face next to Jeongguk's ear and whispered. "And you said you'll be my roommate when the time came, so I suppose we're both not guys of our words now, are we?"
Before Jeongguk could react, Taehyung shifted back and bowed dramatically. "I apologise, your majesty! You may never talk to me again for this travesty!"
Getting back up, he saw the hard set of the maknae's jaw, his fist clenched by his side.
"Oh, but you already don't talk to me, ah well-" he shrugged. "So much for being friends."
The others looked between them as if still confused whether to laugh or break up a fight. Taking the phone from Jimin's hand and pressing play on the music, he pulled in Hoseok and Jin to dance along until the party resumed it's pace again.
Taehyung finally flopped down on a corner stool, gulping down a glass of water.
Faint shadows lingered at the corners of his mind but alcohol flooded his system like a mind-numbing medicine. He couldn't help but wonder about the faceless girl the maknae liked, couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to be in her place. To be the subject of the maknae's affection.
He scoffed, shaking his head.
What absurd shit was he even thinking about?
Running a palm through his face, he willed himself to get up.
I need to sleep.
Getting past the sofa he noticed Hoseok's sleeping form, the empty bottle of soju encased withing his arms like a teddy bear. He would've clicked a picture for the laughs if he was not on the verge of dropping into unconsciousness himself.
Swaying and stumbling towards his room, he stood in the middle of three beds and looked around.
They had managed to decently decorate the room, the three of them. Hoseok had his manga collection displayed on his bedside shelf. Jimin had his favourite plushie on his pillow. And Taehyung had bought three huge pillows to keep himself comfortable. Hoseok and Jimin were exemplary roommates, always included Taehyung in all the discussions they had, went out of their way to cheer him when he was low, but most of all, understood his need for human touch. But his mind couldn't stop from imagining a scenario where the maknae would be his roommate. There was comfort with Hoseok and Jimin, but there was peace with Jeongguk.
And though the hurricanes of his heart lingering with unwanted feelings for the youngest still waged on, there was nobody who was as precious to him as Jeongguk.
Jeongguk. Jeongguk. Jeongguk.
Taehyung groaned in frustration, pulling lightly at his hair.
Fuck Jeongguk.
"If he doesn't want to talk to me then fuck it," Taehyung mumbled taking off his sweatshirt.
It was hot today wasn't it? Or was it just the Soju?
Maybe it was the soju.
He took off his Tshirt as well, throwing it away in the laundry hamper then tried to pull down his pants but forgot he was wearing socks. Holding his right foot up and standing on the other like a flamingo, with his pants sitting below his knees, he tried to pull away the sock with all his might.
The sock was fighting with him.
Stupid sock.
Get off.
Succeeding with one foot he picked up the other but the other sock was a great warrior. Bouncing in place on one leg he cursed at his sock and before he could realise his balance was severely off he was tumbling backwards.
The collision with the cold floor never came. Instead, he was encircled in a pair of familiar arms, with the smell of oranges circling him.
His mind was hazy, but he could recognise that touch even in a coma.
They stood still for a minute before his catcher spoke. "What the hell are you doing, hyung?"
He was made to stand upright, the presence still behind him, arms around his waist.
Taehyung was tired. He wanted to shove himself off the maknae and accuse him of how shitty he made him feel and how sad he was but he was just too tired.
"The sock was fighting with me."
He heard Jeongguk laugh lightly. "The mighty sock, huh? Giving you trouble?"
Taehyung nodded and he felt Jeongguk bend down to sit on his haunches. "Lift up your foot."
Taking the sock off and then pants, he was somehow tingling all over.
Why was he feeling hotter after taking off his clothes?
Sitting down on his bed he faced the maknae who stood facing him with his arms crossed. Taehyung felt uncomfortable under his stare.
Was he angry with him?
Why was he angry with him?
He was supposed to be mad at Jeongguk.
"Are- are you mad at me?"
He could see the younger was taken aback by the question but then he smiled.
"Why do you think that?"
Taehyung scoffed. "You're avoiding me like the plague. I am not blind Jeonggukshi."
Jeongguk sighed. "I am not mad at you, hyung. It's just-"
Taehyung didn't want to hear excuses. He just wanted to hear the truth and be done with it.
"What's her name?"
Jeongguk's face furrowed. "Mwo? Her? Who?"
Taehyung's cheeks were on fire. He rubbed the back of his neck, looking at the floor tiles. "The girl- you like."
There was a long pause and Taehyung thought he fucked up but Jeongguk responded with a laugh making Taehyung look up at him. His eyes were crescents and his teeth were on display as he held his stomach and kept on laughing.
"Wae- Wae? What's so funny?"
Wiping away a tear, Jeongguk came to stand in front of him before bending down to his eye level. "What's so funny, you ask? Well hyung, it's not just funny it's downright hilarious!"
Taehyung was even more confused. "Don't beat around the bush Jeonggukshi, I am not sober enough to understand." He let out a small pout.
Jeongguk leaned in and Taehyung's heart skipped a beat.
What the fuck is doing?
He was going to jump up but Jeongguk's lips touched Taehyung's forehead. He spoke against his hair. "Like I said hyung, you're just a stupid boy with stupid brown eyes annoying me every chance you get."
Taehyung's heart fell.
Still annoying, huh?
He felt a finger beneath his chin before his face was lifted up to meet Jeongguk's eyes. "And I wouldn't have it any other way, Tae."
Jeongguk stared at him for a moment, eyes glazed, hair all tousled around. Uninhibited, like he always was around Taehyung.
Taehyung could sense he wanted to say something, he could see it in his eyes. He felt a thumb slide across his lips and almost shivered.
"I am sorry," he heard Jeongguk faintly mumble. "I don't know- what to do with you-"
"Be my friend." Taehyung spoke up almost immediately.
He straightened up and Taehyung missed the warmth of his touch.
"Go to sleep, hyung," he muttered before walking out and closing the door behind him.