"Earth to, Lilpop," Tim poked me as I gazed up at the pegboard holding the t-shirts.
"Sorry, we're running low on men's large," I murmured.
"I know; I placed an order yesterday."
Tim had pulled me from my focus and allowed the noise of soundcheck to echo in my head. Setting up the merch table had become my go-to during soundcheck. Something about the hollow venues made the spotlight on Billy brighter and me more unsettled. Distraction was good.
"Lilipop," Tim shot again with more annoyance.
"I'm sorry, Timmy. What did you say?"
"Do you want to see some of the road footage? You make a few appearances," he teased.
Tim seemed to record more than not lately, especially with me around to help with the merchandise. After dropping a guitar and nearly breaking my foot, Billy wouldn't let me help with the breakdown anymore. He didn't even care about the guitar, even when I reminded him that my foot would've healed, unlike the guitar.
"Sure," I absently mumbled as I glanced around the finished table. "You want to go now?"
"Nothing better to do." As he spoke, he slung a heavy arm around my shoulders. "I can't believe the summer is almost over. You sure you don't want to stick around for Europe? Should be wild."
Tim knew the answer, but he also knew that Billy had only asked once, and my no stuck. Tim felt it was his duty to check if I had changed my mind.
"You know I have to go back to school. Besides, I'm tired of doing all your work for you," I teased.
"It has been nice. I'll ask again tomorrow," Tim conceded as he flopped down on the couch in a storage closet that was doubling as a dressing room. "You have your laptop on you, right?"
"Yep," I said as I pulled it from my bag.
"Any lollipops?" He added as he peered into my bag.
"Mmhmm," I pulled out a candy for him as well.
Tim plugged in his camera and brought up the footage. "I only edited to the first half of the summer, so there isn't much of you in it yet."
"Sounds perfect; I'd prefer zero appearances," I sighed.
The images flickered up in black and white, to my surprise.
"No color?" I asked.
"Nah, feels more rock in black and white. Right?" Tim's eyes stayed glued to the screen as Billy and the boys played on some foreign stage.
"Yeah, sure."
When the song died out, Billy shot his quick thank you and good night before charging from the stage. Immediately, the clips changed to shaky shots of the band snaking through various hallways.
"Sometimes, I think all we do on tour is weave through a mouse maze," Tim mused.
I could hear the tease in his joke, but it curdled in my ears.
"Where is this?" I asked as a crowded room filled the screen.
"Oh, that's Madison," Tim noted. "I can tell because that's Suzy." Tim tapped the screen.
"Oh, Suzy, like Billy's ex?" I kept my voice even.
"Yeah, in the flesh... well, on the screen," Tim corrected.
My eyes clung to her. She had pulled her dark hair back behind her pale moon face. Fringe bangs hung low, accenting her dark eyes. The camera moved closer to her, and suddenly Billy was there, sitting on the couch next to her. They both sucked down cigarettes, sharing an ashtray and a passing word or two. The camera panned away to some of the other band members telling cheesy jokes and flinging bottle caps at each other. The distraction irked me, as I wanted to see Billy and Suzy more.
"This was Madison?" I asked again. "Yeah, I think the place was called The Annex. They had a few decent record stores there; Sugar Shack, B-side..." Tim trailed off as he recalled record stores.
I turned my attention back to the screen. A live performance of the band muted the sounds of the party. Occasionally, Tim had spliced in a few seconds of a performance before blinking back to the party shenanigans. Finally, my search was fruitful as the shot landed back on Billy and Suzy. They had extinguished their cigarettes and now chatted. The volume of the room pulled them close together. I watched as Billy leaned into her; his lips were so close to her ear. She smiled as his hair tickled her neck. When he pulled away, he was smiling, dimple smiling. She leaned into him to respond, and he dipped his head to give her easier access to his ear. He lifted his face to her and gazed at her for a minute before leaning into her ear again.
I closed my eyes hard. It was just a conversation. Nothing was happening. And yet, I wanted to explode into nothing. Billy and I didn't commit to each other; we never had. Love isn't binding, and we had never made our status official. I shook my head, trying to shatter the flickering images that burned into my head.
"Lil, you okay?" Tim nudged me.
"Yeah," I lied. "I just have a headache."
"Let me get you some water." I felt the couch cushion lift as Tim rose.
I opened my eyes only long enough to stop the video. Was this my fear? Was this the fame I feared? Suzy wasn't a stranger clawing at a performer. She was familiar and stabbed deep into me. Had it been a random girl lured to Billy by his talent and stage bravado, would it have been better?
I let my head fall to my hands as my fingertips dug into my temples, attempting to provide some relief from the pounding images in my head.
"Lil," Billy's voice cut through and I realized his hand was rubbing up and down my back.
"Billy," I opened my eyes, but the pressure from my clenched eyelids blurred my eyes.
"Hey, are you okay? Tim said you weren't feeling well." Billy's gaze coursed over me with concern. His hand slipped away long enough to crack open a bottle of water. As soon as I took it, his hand returned to my back. "You want to go back to the hotel?"
"Yes, please," I murmured. I didn't intend to, but my body recoiled from his touch. Had his expression not changed, I may not have realized I had done it.
Billy started to pack up my laptop before I stopped him with a curt, "I've got it." Billy's hands froze and then slowly slipped away from the task as I offered an apologetic, "thanks, though."
"Mmhmm," Billy absently mumbled. "I'll let Tim know we're headed back."
I silently nodded as Billy rose and paced away. I wanted to call out to him. My eyes flickered to him as he slipped away, but I couldn't say anything. He had done nothing wrong. Billy could talk to other girls. He could have an ex-wife and an entire life that I wasn't a part of at all. I was the one in the wrong. Despite his pleas, I pushed him away and sent him out there without me. He deserved comfort; he deserved familiarity.
"What happened?" Billy's words were a low growl outside the door as I neared.
"I don't know, man," Tim's voice was high-pitched as he tried to explain. "We were watching some of the tour footage, and I looked over, and she was all pale and holding her head."
"Tour footage? Was it soundcheck?" Billy's mind was searching for the answer that was so close.
"No, it was just the Madison afterparty," Tim explained.
"Madison?" I knew it clicked with Billy.
"Yeah, you know, just everyone hanging out." Tim still didn't know what he had unleashed.
"Yeah, hanging out." Billy's voice was absent, but he knew.
"Hey," I whispered as I joined them.
"Ready?" Billy's voice wasn't apologetic; it was smooth, devoid of emotions.
"Yeah." I gave him a sorry smile.
His hand landed firmly on my lower back, but it wasn't the soothing usher I usually felt. It pressed me forward at a pace faster than comfortable.
"Can we walk?" I asked as we exited the venue.
"No." Billy asserted as he hailed a cab.
I didn't argue. I just waited as the cab pulled up and Billy opened the door for me. He slid in next to me but didn't make contact. He was entirely separate. The silence seemed to pull us further from each other. The hush continued to permeate the elevator ride and even for a few minutes after Billy dropped to the loveseat.
After a quiet moment, he took a deep breath and let his face drop to his hands as he attempted to rub the blur of the moment away.
"Ask your questions, Lil." His words were curt as he shored himself up for an argument.
But I didn't have an argument in me. I was only warring with myself, not him.
"I don't have questions," I offered.
"That's a lie." His dark eyes bore into me.
"It's not. I wouldn't lie to you."
"Sure, you would. You do all the time."
"What? Billy, what are you talking about?"
"My success doesn't scare you. Losing privacy or the toll it may take on me doesn't make you run. You're afraid I'll cheat. You think I already have."
"That's not true," I argued.
"Ask your questions, Lil," he demanded.
"Who are you?"
"What?" An insane laugh escaped him.
"Who are you? Are you my friend, my boyfriend, my protector, my adversary? I don't know who you are."
"I can't answer that for you." Billy's brow furrowed in confusion.
"If you can't answer it, who can?" I needed to know who had the answers.
"Lil, you have to answer that. When you figure it out, let me know." Exhaustion deflated him.
It made sense. I had to decide who Billy was to me, but I was too confused to think clearly about it.
Billy's annoyed laugh shattered my thoughts. "You seriously have never asked yourself who I am?"
My hand lifted to my head as the room spun. I slumped down to the bed. "I..." I hadn't. I had never figured out who Billy was or what I wanted him to be.
"What the fuck, Lil?" Billy sat back heavily on the love seat, causing it to knock against the wall with a thud.
"I just..."
"How the hell am I supposed to be what you want if you don't think about what you want?"
"I want you to be happy," fell from me. It was the only truth I knew.
Billy let out an exhausting sigh.
"Who am I to you?"
"Happiness and sadness, peace and frustration, pleasure and anger; you're my compass. When you're with me, I'm always home."
The tears silently rolled down my tears.
"Nothing happened." Billy stood as he spoke. "She... Nothing happened. I wouldn't let anything happen. You're my home."
"I know." I did know. I knew he wouldn't hurt me. "She wanted you."
"Lil, it happens. They don't want me; they want the showman. They don't even know me." Billy's voice rose with his plea for me to understand.
"But she knows you. Suzy knows you. You love her; you married her."
"Lil, it's not like that. Sometimes familiarity feels like love. She was lonely and drunk, but nothing was ever going to happen."
"Sometimes familiarity feels like love," I echoed. It was like a line from one of his songs.
"Lil, what do you want from me? I'm trying here." The anger was seeping in again.
"I want to unsee it. I don't want to see how you bend to each other. I don't want to see the tenderness. I want to forget it. But it's there; burned into my brain."
"So, what? This can't break us. Please, Lil, don't let this break us."
"I..." I wouldn't. I knew nothing had happened, but the words didn't come.
"Lil," Billy was there, his hands on my hips, calling for me to meet his gaze. "Don't let this break us. We're connected. We're more than this."
"I know." I didn't meet his gaze; I just let my face burrow into his chest.
Billy's arms circled me as his hands coursed up and down my back. "We're okay," he murmured.
"We're okay," I echoed.